This post may sound a bit unlike my usual intensity, a slight deviation from usual workings of my brain, but I think it’s necessary sometimes to step outside of oneself and try something new. Waking in the wee hours of the morning, overwhelmed by the energy in my heart and mind of the love that propels me forward and invigorates my soul (that often comes in the throws of creating a painting) where the practice and practicality of expressing it at the moment was pretty limited, I usually try to pray and send that energy outward into the world to all those I love and pray for. However, this time it wasn’t really effective, so I got up, and decided to try a new tactic. Love is energy, and the more I learn about, and embrace it, the more I feel like a conduit that is ready to explode if I don’t share it. So today, I decided to take that energy and infuse it in every action I performed, from cleaning, to grocery shopping, to engaging with everyday people in everyday ways, and to try and see and approach these tasks and interactions and transform them into something more. Yes, I am aware that my mind works a bit differently from most, but strangely? I did feel different as I walked in my world today, and I don’t think it was my imagination. People do respond differently when you try to incorporate the “love” energy in all you do. It was pleasant. It was moving. It was validation that I am definitely onto to something here. The love is real, it is palpable and efficacious. While it may go under the radar for most people, I am good at reading faces, and the responses I received seemed to be happy ones. Imagine if we all did this in our simple interactions every day. I think we change the tide for how the world moves forward…for all of us. One of the last things I did, was share a bit of love to myself by getting a pedicure. The whole experience was magical (and I admit, I get them all the time and usually sitting that long and feet touching is uncomfortable for me). I was lucky to get someone at the last minute, who I remembered I sold a piece of jewelry to a few years ago, and she was happy I remembered who she was…I could feel that simple love as she massaged my legs and feet. It was subtly transformative. I see why the washing of feet in the Gospel was such a moving experience for Jesus to share with people.
In a time where we focus on the “big” impacts of love, we can’t dismiss the simple and subtle ones either. Massaging the tension out of one’s life does make a difference, whether it is by using words or our hands. It was a good day. Tomorrow, practice simple love, you won’t regret it.
The above is the first self portrait I did requested by my mentor early on…I updated it a bit, but still kept the rough edges of representing an early work…
I have been dreading this post…circumstantially, it has been physically (although my lungs are finally clearing from the crud), emotionally and materially overwhelming in every regard. And it was within this context that the subject of success, primarily my own, has been hammering in the forefront of my mind (and the incessant chattering of my spirit guide, which more than any other time lately, I even tried to convince myself was a function of my imagination…to no avail). I am a participant in a county wide art show coming up this weekend. That in and of itself is a challenge: finishing pieces, pricing, organization, presentation, packaging, setup utilizing all aspects of advertising and promotion offered to me, etcetera, etcetera all in the context of baring my soul to the general public, many who are perfect strangers, which I find deeply disconcerting. Also, at the same time, the moment came suddenly for “the move” to a safer space for a family member which, being the medical representative, demands my presence in a myriad of ways, from physically approving the space, to the myriad of checks, paperwork and meetings with medical professionals. The move, of course, happens over the same period of time as my show…which fucking sucks, especially since we can’t say anything to her until the last minute. I have to take time off work (the running of our clinic, which also takes a huge chunk of my time) this coming week to join with my sisters and healthcare representatives to break the news just prior to the move and it will not be pretty. Thankfully, I have amazing sisters who have generously given me permission to focus on the show during the actual move and they would do the dirty work, (my son Riley offered to help move the heavy stuff…love you for that, my bebe). They were all so excited to be present with me at this show, but now will sadly be otherwise occupied…leaving me to stand on my own two feet.
The other issue, which is a direct connection to what I described above, were the messages this person hammered into my head from as early as I could remember. Messages like: Don’t shine, you will make everyone else feel bad, Don’t stand out, Don’t be better than, Be quiet, Be invisible, You can’t do that, I won’t allow that, I won’t pay for that, Be this, don’t be that, Who do you think you are, You were built wrong, Respecting me means doing what I say, Being smart is good enough, don’t get greedy, You think you know so much, you’re so arrogant…etc. were axioms that took so much of my time and life to untangle that I was left not only with a skewed view of what my God given talents were, but how I was supposed to use them, actually, of how I am still supposed to use them. This is NOT in any way, shape or form, a mechanism for your pity, that is insulting to me, especially since there are so many others who have risen from more harsh circumstances than mine, It is, however, merely an explanation of how I ended up where I did. As in all our lives, some of the worst points of darkness, offer the greatest opportunities for uncovering a deeper and more beautiful light, and that is how I am trying, amidst great consternation, to look at it. But…as was made clear by all that has been ruminating in my mind and intuition, I still have some dismantling to do with some of the more pervasive messages, namely, it is perfectly acceptable to have been given many different kinds of gifts from God that may make me stand out ahead of the herd and it is time to stop running from them, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me feel right now. My focus must be on taking the “talents” I’ve been given, like the parable says, and make something of them. I have taken comfort in Teilhard’s definition of success: The slow work of God often involves passing through stages of instability, meaning success requires patience and faith in God’s ultimate plan rather than immediate and measurable results, and how well one acts according to God’s will and participates in the ongoing, creative work of the universe. True success is moving toward a greater awareness of a “higher” state of being where individual spirits converge and unite in love. I have also taken comfort in the words of scripture: love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love. Never. Fails.
I had a sudden and harsh realization amidst all the myriad of emotions this week, that I will never reach a higher state of being, or converge and unite in love unless I face my own fear and worthiness of success. While I cognitively know how capable I am, and talented…I do hide and am comfortable in anonymity, which, according to the parable is tantamount to burying my talents in the ground. (and the very reason this parable has always made me a little sick to my stomach). So, regardless of my natural inclination to be “supportive” rather than be in the lead…it is important, at this point anyway, to prove to myself and “her” that I can be and will be in the forefront of a creative movement, even if only momentary, and that is the lesson at this appointed time. Ironically, the circumstances of the moment only seem to serve as the exact incentive for to me to forge ahead. It is her messages that I bury in the ground, and not my talent…and doing so with just my own two hands and feet seem to be the appropriate way to do so.
I don’t think it would be incorrect to say that evil is a subject that most human beings are curious about. Just look at its presence in the world, from its popularity in all the mediums of storytelling, to religious institutions using it as leverage to ensure appropriate behavior, to world politics who use it to vilify their enemies and as a reason to wreck havoc on them. And yet from another perspective, the fragile nature of human beings has shown throughout history, that they are not only capable of, but have committed horrible evil acts for a host of reasons and moral guidance is a necessity in developing a personal ethos, as well as cultural ones, which can’t be done without the recognition that evil does, in many forms, exist. In a particular turbulent time for me, I once read a book called: “When bad things happen to good people” by Harold Kushner that I found incredibly helpful. The online synopsis describes it like this: ‘It tackles the theological problem of evil, proposing that God does not cause tragedy or intervene to stop it, but rather offers comfort, strength, and love, enabling people to find meaning in a flawed world’. I would also add that while the gift of free will allows humanity to choose our future road forward, it also becomes glaringly obvious (to me, anyway) how much we need God/Love’s assistance to do so successfully. For me the jury is still out on how evil actually manifests itself in our world, except to say that I have had experiences of it that have pushed the limits of believable reality, and I am humble enough to admit that I am the limited one in this scenario and therefore walk forward with the knowledge that there are things in reality that I can’t completely understand, that I do not walk alone, and that the cornerstone of my faith must be in the power of love that will ultimately protect me and the world from evil. I also think it is futile to try and understand the nature of evil in any other way except to say this; 1) it is parasitic in nature and cannot exist independently on its own, my faith taught me that Jesus took care of that when he bore our sins and conquered death and before he fully transformed, broke the walls of hell, and 2) it feeds off our fear in a myriad of ways. In my experience, it also roars its ugly head whenever we are close to a change in state forward…to create a cosmic setback, as it were. Because of the latter reason, it also makes it difficult for me not to ascribe some intelligence and malice to it, hence why I often refer to evil as if it were the serpent in the old testament from the Garden of Eden.
The reason I started with a look at evil, was not to explain what it is, exactly, but to simply accept it is definitely a part of the human journey, and figure out how best we can counteract it as we live on a higher plane. I’ve always found Teilhard’s suggestion of using the evil that happens to us as opportunities to transform it into good (kind of like Faust did when Mephistopheles tried to trip him up with evil acts…there was always an option for good too) as the simplest and most positive way forward.
Teilhard says we can turn evil into good in three ways:
1) Occasionally one of our failures will divert our energies to another channel that may be a more virtuous one.
2) Sometimes the loss we experience will cause us to return, out of frustration, to less material areas.
3) The most common way, because we see diminishment all around us almost continually, is by uniting with God and transfiguring our suffering within the context of a loving annihilation and union. God carves out a hollowness in us in order to make room for love’s entrance into our innermost being. Thus everything can be taken up again to be recast in God (love) even our failures.
This approach keeps the road forward open, regardless of any obstacle thrown on our path…we can always find an alternative route, an opportunity to use the empty spaces created by experiences of evil by filling them with Love and utilizing its power to transform our failures and recast them as learning experiences and into an even stronger love and faith life. It is the action of moving beyond the evil that make us powerful, and utilizing the power of Love in those very moments that shed a light into that darkness and dispel it so we can move forward unhindered by it.
Jesus, too, acknowledges evil in the desert when he was presented with three temptations by Satan:
Physical Needs: Turning stones into bread to break his fast, to which Jesus responds: humanity cannot live on bread alone.
Testing God: Throwing himself from the temple pinnacle to prove God’s protection, to which Jesus responds, do not put the Lord your God to the test.
Worldly Power: Worshipping the devil in exchange for all the kingdoms of the world, to which Jesus responds, the Lord your God you shall worship, to God alone you shall serve.
Jesus showed us that even when we are at our weakest and we are tempted to give into evil, we are never alone, we have the power of Love on our side, and the promise that when God is for us, there is nothing that will get in the way of that power of Love. It is also important to remember, while the apparatus of the world may not always visibly change, the way we act in it does, and those actions, in turn do change the world apparatus. Teilhard puts it this way: when we come to realize that the divine milieu has been revealed to us, it is possible to make a pair of important observations. First, the manifestation of the divine causes no apparent changes on the outward nature of things as perceived by our senses—though their meanings may be accentuated. Second, the persistence of the revelation is guaranteed by Christ himself. No power can keep us from the accompanying joys of acting with love as our source of movement into the future.
I conclude with this: let love be your source of power to react to the evils that befall you, let love transform any obstacle into an opportunity for good, and let love open up new and exciting paths forward.
Holy Thursday, the first day in the Christian triduum, which represents Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday, is the most difficult for me. The last supper occurs on that day, as well as Jesus visit to the Garden of Gethsemane where he asks his fellow disciples to stay awake with him as he prepares for his coming sacrifice…in which they all fall asleep, leaving him alone in his fear and despair. I’ve written about this before: https://maryfrancesflood.com/2013/03/30/agony/ Ironically, it was when I finally fell asleep last night after hours of trying to do so that I finally received some comfort and insight.
I was in the garden…after the fact. At first, I sat quietly and waited, and finally he came in his risen form and I tried to breathe amidst the turmoil of the moment. He reached over and took my hand in his and with the other gently turned my face toward his and looked into my eyes and said: “Tell me.”
“Remember when that priest told me the movie in my head was much better than the real thing, and that I was setting myself up for disappointment? In this moment, more than ever, I feel like he may have been right. I am finding that trying to bring the richness of what is in my mind and make tangible in the world feels impeded or blocked at every turn. I so want to honor the choice you made…” The tears began to flow, “that you bore the weight of my sin, of our sins.” He rubbed his thumb over my hand and waited for me to continue. “Sitting here, is where you chose to sacrifice yourself so that people like me would have unlimited access to the power of love to wield in the world. I have spent my lifetime trying to figure out how to do that and looking around, I’m not too sure I am any better at it than I was when I started.” He looked at me with brow furrowed and sighed deeply.
“Stop trying to be perfect, you are not me!” And he put his hand up by my mouth before I could interrupt him. “I never expected you to love perfectly, or follow exactly in my footsteps. This”, pointing to the garden “was my journey, my choice, my sacrifice. I embraced it in the beginning. I knew everything that was coming, and even though I became human, and I was afraid, your beautiful face and the faces of so many other beautiful blueprints were my inspiration in that moment to say yes, to what was required of me. You, Mary Frances and others like you gave me hope that it would be all worth while. Your love and light inspired me in the darkest moment of my journey to drink from my Father’s cup. Love saved us all in that moment…and I want you to look into my eyes and let that sink in. Your journey is unique to you alone, with all you need to succeed already given to you and I am perfectly happy with your progress thus far. But I sense the depth of your sadness…so talk to me.”
“But what of those who you love, but don’t love you back? I don’t want to be a resounding gong or a clanging symbol like Paul talked about. I have forgiven and tried to appreciate all the good things I’ve been given and I’ve tried hard to love according to Scripture’s definition, promising to be unequivocal, but when I expect the same in return,…” Crest fallen, I started to fall apart, a bit, and in an incredible intimate gesture, Jesus pulled me on his lap and held me tight.
“You can’t make someone love you, if they don’t (like the song you love says)…but what you need to know is that how she decided to live with, or bury her gifts is her decision alone. I saw how hard you worked to be a good daughter. And now, I know signing that paper placing her where she is safe, is an act of love, on your part, and on your siblings part and not a betrayal. Sometimes wielding love is painful.” He turned my face toward his. “But that isn’t everything, is it?”
I sighed deeply and shook my head in the negative. “No. but compared to your sacrifice, it seems almost insipid to bring it up.”
“Love in any expression is never insipid. I would have thought you would know that by now.” He took a deep breath and continued, “All I have ever asked of you, of all of you, is believe that I am the way, the truth and the life and that none of you come to God, to love except through me…” he paused, looked at me and smirked “and I can already see the wheels turning in your head, so when I say ‘through me’ you know I mean by how you love one another, as I have taught you, so trust the plan I have for you and utilize all the gifts you’ve been given to shine your light in the darkness and you will move mountains. And believe me when I say all who seek me will find me. We are tethered together, you and I, and you need to trust that my grace is sufficient, and trust those whom I have placed with you on your journey. You are never alone. Simply concentrate on utilizing your gifts to bear good fruit in the world, and your song of love will shape the future.” He looked deep into my eyes, and said: “I know all the prayers you asked for, in goodness, not only for yourself but for others, and I always keep my promises. Remember, Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…Ever” He kissed my on the forehead and I woke up to a new day,
I hope my dream can inspire you. Have a Blessed Easter…and never give up on the movie in your head.
The above picture is a contemplative monastery, Christ in the Desert, that I stayed at while in college trying to figure out, as I wrote in my journal, “this whole faith thing”. As you can see, I’m still trying to figure it out.
Lately, I’ve been dealing with the very difficult and problematic task of how to handle a loved one and her increasing descent into dementia from Alzheimer’s disease. My sister and I are her medical/legal guardians and it is up to us to decide how to move forward, however challenging that may be. However, I had a curious thought during all our interactions over the past months that seems apropos to what I am doing here…and it was how adamant and confident she had become in her delusions, many dangerous to her well being…which I won’t go into, but it begged the question: how are the delusions she moves in any different than someone like me, or Teilhard, or Scientists or Mystics who from an intuitive place put faith in a future potential of/in something yet unknown or not physically obvious at our present point of evolution in this world? For one thing, having it come to fruition at a later date in time…from both the perspective of the “without” and the “within” is essential in continuing to invest in those kinds of intuitions that keep pushing our understanding of reality, but from whom or where does that intuition come? From my family member’s perspective, she believes she is the “chosen one” (and because she has fallen prey to a foreign money scam that preys on vulnerable people…which we have in hand). What of the rest of us?
When I speak for myself, regarding things I can’t explain, like the fact that I have a firm belief that God has spoken to me auditorily…how is it that I continue to move forward in my faith journey that is rooted in something that could easily be tossed aside as delusional so confidently? Where is the proof? First and foremost, I challenge myself on this notion pretty much all the time to keep me grounded in how I move forward. I also am aware, however, that I am not alone when I state that there are plenty of others who stake their lives on things beyond their present understanding that they believe move our evolution forward. Throughout my lifetime, many individuals who have crossed my path were shown, by experience, to be predators and charlatans preaching a bunch of malarky to buy into something for the sake their own enrichment (i.e. snake oil salesmen). Especially in the present environment, I am astonished at how many people root their belief in things that are patently untrue, and easily fact checked. I don’t want to ever fall into that trap or lead anyone astray, which is why, for the most part, I throw all this stuff out into cyberspace with no conditions whatsoever except to say it is my hope that it can in some way give people hope in their own potential to make a difference in the world and shine a little light. I am also aware that having a stake in future possibilities cannot be rooted in just a single or few minds or disciplines, which is why I have tried to broaden my perspective to see things from the angle of multiple disciplines. And in doing so, I see so many similarities in their expressions in the physical world (like a similar musical theme, to use my favorite metaphor). From Teilhard’s idea of the Noosphere shaping into the blanket of reflective thought we know as the internet, to Scientists identifying and understanding different natural forces, only to have that insight become even more altered as time and understanding and science continues to develop, to Artists who express an intuitive golden proportion that is pleasing to the eye, all the way down to my little, small and fallible voice who believes in an omnipotent God who loves me deeply enough to answer all my prayers asked in goodness and also guides me and helps me exist with others on a higher plane (and as I explained to another…when our lives have transformed so much how can we believe that we made all this shit up?). Obviously, my starting point is the fact that I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease (regardless of how others may see me, I am definitely of sound mind). Secondly, I always go back to that point on the mountain where God claimed my attention and acceptance, and where my real faith journey began (and has been validated immeasurably over the years,) and it wasn’t through adulation, but through all the hard lessons (of which I wear my scars proudly), along with the successes I’ve achieved through facing all challenges that were presented to me, and yes, here I go again, often through dreams and the direction of my spirit guide, and amazing people I’ve met along the way. Thirdly, continuing to challenge and reinvent my faith according to the wise instruction of my father who taught me that faith unchallenged is dead. And lastly, the cumulative efforts of those people throughout my life via education, travel, adventures, jobs, etc., that have resulted in hindsight giving me an even deeper and stronger faith in love guiding the world. Through them I continue learn how how to wield love’s power in all its expressions to help other’s share their blueprints and light to build up the Body of Christ, and also give me the love, strength and intuition/foresight to continue to move into the unknown. Here are two quotes by Teilhard, that explains my position:
Though frightened for a moment by evolution, the Christian now perceives that what evolution offers us is nothing but a magnificent means of feeling more ‘at one’ with God and of giving oneself more to God, the whole. To be able to say literally to God that I love you, not only with all my body, all my heart, and all my soul but with every fiber of the unifying universe…is a prayer that can only be made in space-time.
Someday, after mastering the the winds, the waves, the tides, and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, humanity will have discovered fire.
Both quantum physics and Christian theology teach us that the relationship of one thing to another is what creates reality, AND that the sum is greater than the individual part…remember according to quantum theorists, the observer is essential in determining reality, and that the apostle Paul described us all as one body, but with many members, all different but essential for the body to function. I am adamant in the belief that however I express/wield love as an observer is essential to building this future potential, and I really don’t give a a whoop if no one else thinks so. As I’ve said before, I am the cumulative result of a lifetime of experiences and evolution that gives me the unmitigated gall to declare that I am, (of course along with unnumerable others) a maker of our future potential (the power of a mustard seed or impact of a butterflies wings). Importantly, relationships are not objects, they are experienced (which is why I love the quote from “The Little Prince” which says that it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye). The invisible part, or the part that is beyond the four dimensions (height, width, length and time) that humans are presently defined by is the issue that I’ve been focused on this week, and also propels me to continue on this unknown road, delusional or not. Why? because it all makes sense to me, after balancing so many different perspectives…there is proof that I am on the right road, that my foundations are on solid ground and not some madness I’ve embraced to face an illogical and increasingly troubled world. We have had our future success laid out on a silver platter by an omnipotent and loving God, we only need to keep walking forward, rooted in those axioms left to us by the Savior of the World.
As a final caveat for this post, that I will build on for next time, let me share how science has moved from an intuited position to one that became, with new measurement and understanding, the new norm. Originally, it was understood that there were four different fundamental forces of nature (the without): gravity, electromagnetism (responsible for the structure of atoms and molecules) , nuclear weak force (causes beta decay, where a neutron changes into a proton crucial for nuclear reactions in the sun and radiocarbon dating), and nuclear strong force (responsible for holding the nucleus of an atom together). Over time, physicists combined the electromagnetic force with the nuclear weak force. Now, through theories based on supersymmetry (interestingly represented by the circle) they are working to unite additionally, the strong nuclear force leaving only two forces of nature. Now I do know how to count…but now, what scientists hope to prove is that there really is ultimately only one force…or so called The Grand Unified Theories (known as GUTS). Interestingly, the GUTS theory works out mathematically if you add an additional dimension or force…which perhaps humans, who are presently limited to four dimensions (within) haven’t developed enough to comprehend completely, the fifth…which for all intents and purposes is Love…the most powerful source of all. Keep tuned.
I took a moment, giving my brain a rest, and tried in the silence to rediscover the song in my soul, to hear its whisper, but the snowstorm outside and incredible wind kept me distracted (I don’t like the hard kind of wind that worries me whether or not the trees will make it till morning). So to quiet that fear, I listened to music…a song in particular that I hadn’t heard in a long time, but was brought to mind during the Chanel show and it slowed my mind and I could begin to hear, in pictures, the song that is brewing inside, which is demonstrably different than the song above, but moves me in the same kind of way…and can’t share because it isn’t ready yet.
Standing still with arms raised, a maestro quells the cacophony of noise inside that often times occurs when fear takes hold and and gloams into the rising light that love’s song quietly brings. With a subtle shift of her wrist, she moves her wand and offers a prayer to God above and around us to fill her with the power of love and the necessary silence required to hear the song’s subtle beginning whisper and again moves her wand with a gentle gesture, and like a chaste kiss the orchestra begins.
She celebrates love’s triumphant song, with multiple melodies and instruments yet none to reign supreme but created to blend together in harmony. Her wand sways, hones and weaves together notes to become more than what they are alone. Tempering movements from dissonance to congruous symmetry, melodies all uniquely inspired by love become the heart song she longs for.
One voice low and uncomplicated, from disordered to measured in equivalent beats pushing past the present to future’s possibilities, directed and soul understood, pensive and building toward a moment of perfect harmony.
One voice even, temperate but eager to dance to creation’s beauty and the celebration of higher potential, drawn forward by heaven’s pull and the promise of a blueprint fulfilled.
One voice, quiet, continuous and with foresight, rearranging the stars above to places of harmonic unity, bringing wholeness and happiness to those who choose to be and share their light.
Finally one voice, dramatic, unequivocal and full of love that celebrates the ties that bind together multiple voices, each unique but adding dimension and fullness to the song of her heart.
Notes upon notes, upward and forward along with voices, whose lyrics sometimes strained but sounding hope in trying times, stills the cacophony of fear that drove the discord disrupting and pervading our world, to advance in fullness the song of the Kingdom. Today, I share the idea of my melody song as a prayer for all soul songs of love…
There is nothing that represents freedom to me more than a full moon upon a full body of water…so here is a picture of the snow moon up on Lake Superior…
free·dom
/ˈfrēdəm/
noun
the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint
While I am aware that all of us live within different cultural rules depending on where we exist on this beautiful globe, this post is not about which societal rules are most beneficial. I am speaking about freedom in the context of living on a higher plane. And when it comes to living on a higher plane, the concept of freedom differs from the standard definition I listed above. While all of us are born with the power and right to express our blueprints as God intended without hindrance or restraint, there should be an additional addendum to that definition…Because we are all connected, the freedom “to be” must also be done in accordance to the special part each blueprint plays with respect to the rest of the body, both in a physical and spiritual sense and embracing the kind of behavior that will keep the body healthy and moving forward. Paul in his first letter to Corinthians explains it like this:
Now the body is not a single part, but many. If a foot should say, “Because I am not a hand I do not belong to the body,” it does not for this reason belong any less to the body. Or if an ear should say, “Because I am not an eye I do not belong to the body,” it does not for this reason belong any less to the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But as it is, God placed the parts, each one of them, in the body as he intended. If they were all one part, where would the body be? But as it is, there are many parts, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, “I do not need you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I do not need you. “Indeed, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are all the more necessary, and those parts of the body that we consider less honorable we surround with greater honor, and our less presentable parts are treated with greater propriety, whereas our more presentable parts do not need this. But God has so constructed the body as to give greater honor to a part that is without it, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the parts may have the same concern for one another. If (one) part suffers, all the parts suffer with it; if one part is honored, all the parts share its joy. Now you are Christ’s body, and individually parts of it.
It is within the context of this living body of humanity, and the fact that we are all connected together in one body, that the freedom to be as we were intended is balanced with the direction that God has intended for us to follow. In practical application, no single body, community, or civilization can exist without the application of systems or conventions that balance individual freedoms with the freedom of the whole to prosper. As humanity evolves, so too must those systems that balance individual freedom and responsibility to the whole. Think of it this way; the brain, lungs, hands have evolved over time to achieve greater function, but without the body…they cease to have any function or purpose at all. Their value must be seen in light of the whole. This is a bit of a conundrum, especially if ‘the whole’ deviates from God’s purpose and somehow decides that you can’t be who you were meant to be for often fear based reasons. I think the Savior understood the necessity of challenging power and money for this reason. It is also why Paul emphasized that there would always be parts of the body that are given greater spiritual power and understanding because it was their responsibility to make sure greater propriety was given to the weaker parts, because they too, are essential to function of the whole. If the weaker parts fail, so does the whole…if the weaker parts thrive…so does the whole.
When I think about living free from hindrance or restraint, and expressing my blueprint to the best of my ability, I must also take into consideration all those other essential parts of the body who choose to walk with me on a higher plane wherever they are. And rather than being left to figure out on my own how to do that, it is my faith and commitment to the God of love to lead the dance on this higher plane and show me the necessary steps I need to take to balance developing my own blueprint, and the responsibility I have to the rest of those I choose to love as we all move forward. I make this distinction because I can’t be everything to every part of the body of humanity, but I can center my regard and love to those parts of the body who cross my path every day, especially those trajectories I send out love to. I also have to acknowledge how much regard and love I’ve received from those who have been instrumental in helping me figure out the melody of my soul so the part I play in this body is also effectual in the body moving forward. I’m beginning to see that my simple footprint in this world does make a difference and choosing love as the source of my actions every day is all the proof I need to believe in its power.
Besides working to keep the body healthy and in tact, standing still is never an option. The body of humanity will continue to evolve, perhaps not as much from the physical sense…but directionally from a consciousness perspective, and the stakes could not be higher. According to my faith, and indeed many other faiths, there is a cosmic consciousness that has set the direction of humanities’ journey through time, and because of the freedom to choose, it is incumbent upon all of us to decide individually, if we are going to choose God as the cosmic brain that moves us forward or not. The Savior didn’t really give any of us a ton of options. Either we follow him forward as expressions of the Kingdom of Heaven, or we choose the alternative…which is bleak. Now I hate ultimatums just as much as anyone, but laid out over time, not only throughout history but my own life, I came to the conclusion early on that the choice the Savior offered me makes perfect sense, especially in regard to the rhythm of my own soul. Now I also know that humanity has made terrible mistakes when it comes to the applications of all the Saviors teachings especially within traditional church structures, which is why it is always important to keep challenging them, as even Jesus did when their behaviors run contrary to tenets and axioms of what God requires. It is at this point in time where choosing which kind of energy: fear or love will determine whether we evolve forward or backward. For a moment, let me also use science to support this argument.
So, there is also a natural blue print for life as we know it from a scientific perspective which I will explore in a deeper sense in my next post, so I’ll just give you a taste…Teilhard spoke about the necessary precursors to the development of consciousness in humans:
To culminate in humanity at the stage of reflection, life must have been preparing a whole group of factors for a long time and simultaneously. It is true that in the end, from the organic point of view, the whole metamorphosis (i.e. evolution) leading to humans depends on the question of a better brain. But…how was this cerebral perfectioning carried out–how could it have worked–if there had not been a whole series of other conditions brought together at just the same time? The birth of reflective thought marked a critical transformation–a mutation from zero to “everything.” But that birth could be compared with the emergence of a fetus from the womb. The baby at that point still must undergo constant growth before they would become a mature complete human. So it is with humanity: what first issued across the threshold of reflective thought was not yet a complete human, but rather a sort of pre-human. If the creature from which humans evolved had not been a biped, their hands would not have been free in time to release the jaws from their prehensile function, and the thick band of maxillary muscles which had imprisoned the cranium could not have been relaxed. Thanks to two-footedness freeing the hands, the brain was able to grow; and thanks to this too, the eyes (brought closer together on the diminished face) were able to converge and fix on what the hands held and brought before them–the very gesture which formed the external counterpart of reflection. How is it then, that we are not more sensitive to the presence of something greater than ourselves moving forward within us and in our midst.
In conclusion, I will say this about freedom on a higher plane: God gives us individually the right and power to develop our blueprint without hinderance or restraint, but also with the understanding that we do so within the context of being a part of the body of Christ. It is in this context that embracing the power of love, which is the source of our existence and the power by which, in all its expressions, we will keep evolving forward. Like the famous line in the Beatles tune “The End” says: ‘And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make’…
I spent the afternoon working on a drawing in the next in a series of epiphanies and a sketch of a new painting…and thinking about what was next on living on a higher plane when I had my own epiphany. I am angry at what is happening in our country right now, in the state of Minnesota where I grew up and spent half my life.
I know many people are angry, and I won’t limit the anger to just what is happening in America, any kind of injustice affects us all, regardless of where we are on this beautiful globe because we are all connected in some way, shape, or form. So, it is my stance that everything that happens sends ripples outward to the rest of the world, and I would like an opportunity to intensify the energy of all the righteous anger out there by pleading to everyone that it be rooted in love. And the power of that love can move mountains. Let me say first that it is a fallacy to believe that there is no room for anger when wielding love and existing on a higher plane. Jesus was angry plenty of times, but he was always motivated by love, like when he turned out the money lenders at the temple because they were denigrating the sacred, or when he rebuked the disciples who tried to turn away the children brought to him saying that the Kingdom of Heaven belonged to the likes of them, or when the church hierarchy showed no compassion or love to a man with a withered hand, and most importantly, how he rebuked the Scribes and Pharisees for the depth of their hypocrisy. I also believe that he would be just as angry at what is happening in Minnesota with two unjustified killings, and the complete disregard for the rule of law and compassion for those immigrants, many of which were detained in violation of the law and were shown absolutely no mercy like the Savior commands of us as followers. I say these things dispassionately because I did do my research, and I do know the law, and you would have to be willfully ignorant of the most basic foundational principles and axioms of our Constitution, or blindly and ridiculously naïve, or are simply so tied to a particular bias that you refuse to believe what is right in front of your eyes. To believe the messages of this administration, in all the false representations they have been pedaling when there is definitive proof to the contrary, and are also asked to disregard what you can see with your very own eyes, means living and existing on a higher plane is just not for you. I don’t say this lightly…because to stand for what can only be called a master class in gaslighting and behavior that stands in direct opposition of the most basic tenets of our Christian faith, hell against the most basic tenets of how we are expected, as civilized people of this great country, to comport themselves mean that you have chosen fear over love and lies over truth and will have to live by the consequences of that choice.
So be angry and act on it…but let me be clear, the source by which those actions are fueled means everything. Any action forward must be powered by the proper motivation: love and not fear. The goal must be positive and honestly address the problem of the moment which simply stated is defending and treating those who are seen as the least of us as if they were Christ, because all God’s people are of consequence, loving our neighbors as ourselves all while acting within the laws and tenets laid out in our Constitutional principles and laws that we all must abide by if we are to move forward together. We the people, are the core of this nation, not those who would place themselves above us by claiming positions of power and authority. The people of Minnesota have shown the rest of this country and the world how to channel righteous anger into powerful examples of efficacious love, by supplying food, gathering to watch over their neighbors, supporting affected local businesses, soliciting legal help, peaceful marches, prayers and vigils, and presence and protests in subzero weather, filming and keeping those in power accountable and standing for truth and justice against tyranny, and joining their voices together in large and small ways to challenge the assaults on personal freedoms protected by this great country that are not acceptable. Those who choose to live on a higher plane have to know that all real power does not come of this world or any political ideology, but from the God of love. Love is sovereign, not fear. Love is sovereign, not control. Love is sovereign, not forceful violence. Love is sovereign, not the dissemination of lies over truth.
In truth, I hated writing this post…but to remain silent would make me complicit in the destruction of so many essential connections and parts of the Body of Christ, and I can’t do that. Living on a higher plane demands actions that are in accordance to the power of love as scripture defines it:
Love is patient,
love is kind.
It is not jealous,
It is not pompous,
it is not inflated,
it is not rude,
it does not seek its own interests,
it is not quick-tempered,
it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
I often find it difficult to write about abstract ideas in a way that gives them a certain dimensionality so they become more real, more concrete, and also so people don’t look at me like I’m nuts. It’s why Jesus used parables to instruct us about God, his own ministry, and his purpose of reconciling God and humanity and connecting to a world, much of which at the time anyway, was beyond human comprehension. So, using the same kind of idea, I am appropriating, once again, a story that I think gives concrete dimensionality to what living on a higher plane looks and feels like from my perspective. “Horton Hears a Who” by Dr Suess is one of my favorite books from child hood and I have to thank my older brother for bringing it to mind one day when we were talking.
The gist of the story is this: Horton, a big elephant is relaxing in the water one day when a speck of dust floats by and Horton could swear he hears a noise coming from it. Because his ears are more sensitive than other animals, he thinks that maybe the noise was a cry for help. It turns out it was, a creature so small was calling from atop the speck of dust that he can barely hear him. Concerned that the speck of dust would float into the water and drown this small creature, Horton puts the speck of dust on a clover and delivers the most famous line of the book: “I’ll just have to save him. Because after all, a person’s a person, no matter how small.” Horton realizes that there is a whole other world living on that speck of dust, and the voice he was hearing belonged to the mayor of Whoville, an entire town of small creatures and right then and there commits to keeping them safe. Unfortunately, a kangaroo and her “joey” over hear and see Horton and mock him for conversing with a speck of dust and because of their small ears they can’t hear the little Who and decide that Horton can’t either. No amount of convincing by Horton in explaining how sensitive his ears are is enough to elicit trust from the kangaroos that he is, in fact, telling the truth. Soon the whole jungle hears about the speck of dust and there a many who try to take away the clover and one in particular, a nasty black bottom eagle, finally succeeds in grabbing the clover tosses it into a huge field of clovers. Horton spends night and day going through the whole field and finally, to the great happiness of the mayor of Whoville, gets reunited with Horton…only to be confiscated again by the largest Kangaroo and other jungle animals. They plan on boiling the speck of dust in oil, and in a last ditch panic, Horton implores the mayor of Whoville to have everyone yell at the same time, which they do. Surely everyone had to have heard the singular cry. But to no avail, they don’t. They overcome Horton and cage him. In a last desperate moment Horton implores the mayor to check and make sure everyone is doing their best. The mayor does one last search and sure enough, he finds his small son, JoJo, playing with a yoyo. He grabs him and brings him back to the top of the town, and with JoJo’s little “YOPP” as the final addition, the sound finally travels to all the other animals ears. Horton rejoices and says: “Their voices were heard! They rang out clear and clean. They’ve proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their whole world was saved by the smallest of ALL!”
I love this story. It gives credence and context to my journey, not because my story mirrors the Suess tale specifically, but in ways that challenge individual truths and perspectives to go beyond their direct experience and be open to embrace truths that are just beyond their present periphery. At times I have felt like all three major players in this story, Horton, for hearing a whispers that no one else can hear, the mayor for knowing we need help from a world beyond, and little JoJo who even in his smallness turns the tide to save their world. I have felt exhausted, in the past, knowing that many don’t believe or understand the whispers I hear, or in the cry to heaven that our world needs help and we can’t be saved on our own, and in finally in the belief that one small voice joining with all the others who demand to be heard can turn the tide. I don’t feel exhausted anymore, because my periphery has shifted, I know without a doubt that it is in loving unequivocally and the power and efficacious actions of love in all its expressions that strengthens the ties of God’s beautiful blueprints, and is the very source and breath of what living on a higher plane requires.
As I move forward, this little story gives me hope, and if you choose to read it, I hope it gives you hope too; a hope that we the many, both large and small, can join our voices together and with love as the source of our power cast out the the darkness that surrounds us, and shine a light toward a brighter future.
I’ll just have to save him. Because, after all, A person’s a person, no matter how small.
I found the picture from climbing Chichen Itza…and the view looking back down. It was exhilarating and scary at the same time, but the story didn’t end there. When we got to the top and just after I took this picture, Steve told me that I had to go down and get a helicopter to come up and pick him up, at first I laughed, but then realized he was dead serious. His face was completely white, and I suddenly knew he was not only afraid of heights, but also agoraphobic as well. I told him I wouldn’t leave without him, so either we died up there or we took our time getting back down together. It took me over an hour to talk him down backwards, which is quite a feat for someone who is 6 ft 4, and a size 14 shoe. I went down backwards first, right behind him, he knew if he fell or slipped I would go tumbling downward, and it kept him thinking with a level head, to move one small step at a time, until we reached solid ground.
The reason I brought up this story is not to disparage anyone because of their fears, I’ve talked about my own plenty, but more as a reminder that we all have them, regardless of how you look to the rest of the world, and most often they remain hidden. In the moment, though, when we act in a way that disregards, or is a denial that we have them, the end result is that the fear can and often does win. In my small and insignificant world, after the shooting by ICE in Minneapolis, where I spent much of my life, I too was paralyzed with the kind of fear that left me wondering if the darkness had finally won, that this journey of mine was nothing more than a fools errand, and that the little bit of light I brought to the game was nothing compared to the black whole of chaos that is beginning to swallow this country. The lies from those in power, come so frequently and blatantly that, from a leadership position, I began to wonder if it is just impossible to keep this ship afloat. And yet, I know, that throwing the lying, liars that lie overboard is not an option. Why? because according to everything I know about living on a higher plane, the foundational axiom is this: we are all connected. So every movement I make affects the whole, regardless of how small…even if it is just a whisper. Every choice made in fear, weakens and as in the case of Renee Macklin Good, destroys connections that are meant to move and evolve us forward.
It is that very concept, a reminder that we are all connected, that gave me the strength to continue on this journey, fools errand or not, and a very specific connection that talked me away from my fear, and that’s all I’ll say about that. All I know, in my lifetime, I have had plenty of opportunities to help people face their fears and move beyond them, and it is my prayer today that all those lights, blueprints or whatever you want to call them I feel connected to have someone, right now, who can do the same for them. We, those who choose love over fear, need each other right now. And while I love the amazing solidarity of people protesting the violence, I do caution that while doing so, we take the time necessary to face and acknowledge the fears we have right now, and enlist those we love to help overcome them. Fighting for justice and change is important, but reaching out and loving each other is just as important, because that love will define what the fight looks like.
And now the title I used for today’s post, yep, another appropriation…I think quoting Buzz Lightyear is perfect. He may have suffered an identity crisis after learning that he is just a toy, and not the hero that saves the universe, but when he finds his true purpose of being a loyal friend, and being loved and cherished for who and what he is, perhaps he really does…save the universe, I mean. And Buzz also reminds me that it only takes the faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain…
While I love the long days of summer and all its light…my favorite time of year is right now, when cold and darkness envelopes my small world, making the breakthrough of beautiful light all the more crisp and piercing. With the cold (set to be -15F/-26C on Saturday) and darkness barely waning when I leave for work, and its blackness engulfing me when I come home, the drive home amidst all the twinkling Christmas lights makes the darkness almost magical. It is in the deep of night, however, that I seem to be struggling, per usual.
I hope you all have noticed by now, that I take each and every theme on this journey very seriously. As I move toward the new year, the idea of living on a higher plane, and what that means not only to me, but to all you out there, is a bit paralyzing. Instinctively, like I did the moment I started this journey for God so many years ago (see, “Dancing Naked before the Lord”) my first question is “Why me?” “What do I know?”. The answer is much the same I got from the voice of God the first time…”Because I asked you to, and you accepted.” I know for some, that borders on delusional…but here’s the thing, when I look back in hindsight, it all makes such sense, I see such a beautiful pattern and balanced rationality, from which I have gained so much insight and transformed me into the woman I am now, that I would be hard pressed to say that I made all this shit up.
The foundations of this journey are rooted in the hard work I’ve done cognitively and academically, with degrees in Theology, Education, Leadership and Law (I’m not trying to brag, but these were important mechanisms in how I learned to observe the world). Although pleasurable yet foundational, the hard work of holding multiple jobs so I could travel all over the world and the exposure it gave me to other people and cultures gave me a broader perspective than I ever could have had just standing in one place. The work of facing limitations, some self-imposed and some not, was probably where I have gained the most strength and insight, especially through facing the structural and physical challenges of living a life of pushing through limits and at times, disregarding and paying the consequences of the frailty of just being human. And lastly, (and I know now why this came last), learning to love unequivocally cracked open my soul and released the mute button, and since this experience, the freedom to dance my own dance, is still new and wildly unpracticed, it causes me the most consternation at present. While the above list may mean absolutely nothing to anybody else or give me any measure of credibility for what comes next, it did remind me and solidify my dedication and belief in this journey I’ve been charged with, because I am the one who lived and worked through every moment of it…and I am happy and proud of the results, most of the time.
The reason I say most of the time, is because I do feel like a pioneer of sorts when it comes to living on a higher plane. I know there are plenty of highly spiritual people who already live on a higher plane, and I’m certainly not trying to reinvent the wheel…but what I am attempting is somewhat of a course correction when it comes to what living and loving unequivocally looks like. It is also the reason I think God directed me on this journey. The words of Jesus have become so skewed and the road to manifest the Kingdom of God have become so full of unnecessary obstacles, that I have taken up the mantel to offer, humbly, a version that is more in tune with the tenets and axioms of what the Savior set down. Hopefully at the end of the next year, I will have offered some insight on how to live in such a way that they will know who we are by how we love one another, regardless of who we are, what job we hold or where we live in the world…that all God’s precious blueprints are bearing the fruit of those gifts in such a way that hope has returned and the darkness is obliterated.
And in truth, I have already had a moment, in the night, where the fear and loneliness were so palpable that no amount of comfort extended to me by my spirit guide seemed to get through, and I was tempted to turn and leap from the water back into the boat and I just prayed “HELP”. I missed my father desperately in those moments, especially his wise council and solid faith in God. The very next day, I received a gift that was, I believe, directly sent from above from my oldest brother John. He sent me my dad’s wedding ring, with the note: “Dad is always with us” along with a small part of one of my father’s sermons:
I have often wondered: why did God create us so imperfectly, that he needed such a majestic solution to our dilemma. Why didn’t God just create us and save us in one creative moment. The truth is, God could have done just that but didn’t. Instead of an instantaneous solution, we were given the gift of freedom. In this way we can choose the manner in which we will live our lives. It is also God’s wisdom that we participate in our own salvation; that we choose our God. For God to choose for us would discredit us and the gift of free choice.
In choosing God and seeking how to find him in the joy of life that we attain our salvation. It is giving our life over to God, of love, when the joys of life are hard to find, that we attain salvation. It is knowing that in the dance of life, both partners-we and God-can’t lead. We can learn to relax and let God lead us in the right direction.
This was such an affirmation of learning to stand in the still point and being open to receive, because God tells us that when we call in need, God will answer. I will wear my father’s ring as a talisman that I am not alone, that I am walking a sacred path and I need not be afraid of finding my footing out on the water, even if it feels like I am on a solitary journey at times. And yet, all the while, I am continuing to send out love to all my trajectories and pray for an open pathway, for those who choose love, to bear fruit on our journeys, it also gives me the hope and comfort to keep moving forward. You, like the Christmas lights that so beautifully pierce the darkness this time of year, are my spiritual light in the darkness. Blessings on the Season to all of you!
Generally, my last post on the yearly theme comes with a bit of relief, because most often having conquered what I believe was expected of me over the course of the year leaves me enough time to celebrate the season of light (I steer away from the word “Christmas” because of the commercialization of it). Not so, this year. If anything, I think there will be a continued onslaught of lessons until I find the rhythm necessary to move into or onto, not sure which is more accurate, a higher plane (next year’s theme). I’ve come to believe that understanding faith and building a strong foundation necessary to move forward on my journey as a whisperer and wielder of love more fully and accurately isn’t like learning a language…that once you know it, that’s it, you’re done. Faith and wielding love are more like walking on water, no two situations or initial conditions are the same, and you need to develop a spiritual proprioception to keep your balance. I think the spiritual vertigo I’ve experience this year is an apt description for all the ups and downs I’ve had on this journey, and it didn’t dawn on me until now that I was approaching these situations too concretely.
The essence, experience and unlimited nature of faith and love can’t be understood by restricted concrete and formulaic expressions but are more akin to water, the world of the unconscious or living beyond the limitations of human dimensions. Allowing faith and love, both of which are the source of my blueprint, my dance, practically demands that I “jump out of the boat”, as it were, where I can move without the restrictions of form and convention, that I suspend the limitations of human dimensions and embrace the divine. If I can’t do that, then all this talk about faith in the God of love means nothing at all, at least to me anyway. Recently, after a particular difficult crisis of faith and failure at wielding love, even though momentary, in hindsight I watched how easily I fell into bad habits, the details of which are immaterial except to say I have figured out that my own personal rhythm is so much stronger that I have ever given it credit, so that when I stopped allowing outside forces, for lack of a better term, to throw me off balance or drag me down, I did quickly pull myself together by taking a moment to breathe, remember, and hold onto firmly to everything I’ve learned this year and in doing that, I got my rhythm back.
Looking back in hindsight, like I’ve done after most themes, I never could have predicted how it would have unfolded. In all honesty, I think given where I started, and knowing what it would entail, I would have hid in a virtual cave…especially given all the “feeling” and “sharing” I had to do. And, because God’s imagination is so much better than ours and is always right, in my case anyway (and whether you think I’m crazy or not, also the presence and influence of my spirit guide) …I am not the same woman as I was last January, not by a landslide. In some ways I feel smaller, softer and more delicate than when I began, and in other ways I have become one fucking badass butterfly. I have worked incredibly hard at what I am weakest at, especially in a public forum, often hating the exposure, but it brought me to such great heights and broadened my viewpoint so much that I am incredibly grateful, and also proud, mostly because I think it has been some of the hardest work I’ve ever done and I rose to every challenge. My soul was cracked wide open, and it won’t be on mute anymore; the sound of my heart became more full and more melodic than ever before, because I learned to love unequivocally. The God of love made me just as I am, and in embracing that blueprint, I am looking forward to all the comes as a result.
I am thankful and humbled by all those established and new trajectories out there who have shown me love along the way. I pray for you always and know I love you and that you will never be alone. Because all things asked in goodness are granted: may the God of love protect you, give you hope, strength and courage, and help you celebrate the impact your beautiful blueprint will have on the world. You are a light to the world, and some, in particular, a light to mine.
My son’s wedding went off without a hitch, the weather was perfect, the venue was perfect and everyone there to celebrate the bride and groom were wonderful. The above pics are getting ready and being pampered..(we were told to put our phones away so they weren’t in all the pictures…but I snuck a couple), It is amazing what happens to people when they come together in joy and love and celebrate each other in the moment. I was focused the whole weekend on doing my utmost to wield and celebrate love outward to everyone I met, including the bridal party, family members, guests, and staff and other helpers. It is an amazing reaction when everyone feels pulled into the “hug” of love that was present. And I admit and celebrate, that much of the love I was able to wield was sourced from ❤️ and all I have learned and embraced this year. It just felt magical, and I have a whole new source of love trajectories that I am celebrating and praying for.
While I want to revel in this experience for awhile and just coast a bit, I have been booted out of the still point and out of the boat. With a rush of fear, (I was surprised at how comfortable I had become just standing still, even in the face of all the emotions) stepped out onto the water, and started walking forward without any clear indication of where my immediate steps will take me, some of that is rooted in investing in the trust I’m building in others to help me along the way…which is terrifying and exciting at the same time. I was also presented with the theme for next year’s journey, which is rooted in learning to live on a higher plane (my brain already hurts), which I will invite all of my trajectories to embrace as well. Loving unequivocally demands that we are demonstrably different in how our journeys unfold…then truly the world will know who and what we serve by how we love one another. To conclude, here is the speech and toast I gave at the dinner for Riley and Bri:
Riley my bebe…and Bri also my bebe (and as an aside, I am so happy to add even more feminine energy to crazy town, where men and chaos have always ruled…) I am also happy and proud to be a part of this beautiful symphany you are writing together.
You all may not know, (I’m sure Riley doesn’t) that I studied classical piano for more than 10 years, and composition was one of the things that solidified the belief that I was never going to be a concert pianist, regardless of how big or fast my hands were (that and a debilitating stage fright). I did learn an important lesson, however, and it was how most of the masters started a symphony with one simple melody, and built upon it movement upon movement. Different beats and melodies were added that not only enhanced the original but would bring a piece to a whole other level…and so it is with relationships. Bob and Jeri, I am so happy to celebrate the merging of our two families, enhancing the beauty of this new symphony they are creating together.
As for Riley’s melody, he was nothing like his older sibling in behavior or sentiment…a whole new melody entirely, and everything I thought I had learned with my first, I had to throw out the window for the second. Quiet, reserved and focused, I had to work hard to figure out what was going on in his head. And while his melody may have been softer and more subtle, as he grew, I learned to read the micro expressions on his face, that he often wouldn’t articulate with words, through them, I could feel the depth of his melody develop and sound. Once when he was about 6 years old, he got up and ran to me on the porch where I used to read and escape the chaos and said: Moma! I had a dream that I moved the stars around. And as I look at him now, I believe he will, with the support of this amazing woman, to do just that.
I knew something dramatic happened when he met Bri, especially the first time he asked me what I thought, I looked for the tell on his face…the smiling, I’m not smiling thing he would always do to cover up how happy he was, and I knew he was a goner. I told him I liked her, that she was sassy, and when she texted me about a certain cheesecake dispute later on, I knew she could stand her ground, that he had met his match (because nobody rivals Riley in his love for cheesecake)
I am so happy for the both of you building this great symphony together, which is sure to be a masterpiece. You will always have all our love and support. Cheers to the bride and groom!
Early on in my life, because the powers that be were very restrictive, I made a promise to myself that fear would never be a reason for me to do or not do anything, even if it meant going against those very same powers that held me restricted. I’m being purposefully opaque because it is not my purpose to malign any person or entity in my development, especially since I was the one that gained all the benefits of lessons learned. That isn’t to say that fear wasn’t a powerful factor in my life, people often called me fearless, not true, its constant presence was sometimes so daunting, I believe that it was the cause of a lot of my autoimmune problems. Even having a deep faith in God, and knowing that somehow, I would always be ok in the end, didn’t mean that my journey and not allowing fear to be the controlling reason for the decisions of my life would always be smooth sailing. I often knew the choice to do something that I believed was necessary, or exciting, or a way to obliterate limitations despite the fear present would definitely cause me pain and would sometimes leave scars…hence my deep appreciation for the beauty of imperfection which means I am the super model for conquering fear. A life well lived should leave scars…the simple proof of growth and conquering limitations. And as I mentioned in a previous post, pain is a central and natural part of being human and all of our journey’s. Those who avoid it never evolve…period. But as I grew, and faced difficult situations, the hindsight that I gained also became clear evidence that all this stuff that I believe in hook, line and sinker is actually true, real and effective, and no one can convince me otherwise. It is also why I love the story about Jesus and Peter walking on water, when we are asked to suspend our belief in the natural order of physics and the workings of the world and regardless of the fear, have faith, step out of the boat and just keep walking. It’s the actual getting out of the boat that is hardest for me, even when my heart tells me Jesus’ words are foolproof…the fear is still palpable. So, while I’m not an adrenaline junky, I’ve learned to use the fear as my jumping off point, to propel me forward and then embrace the power of love to suspend my human and often limited belief and allow it to take me wherever God needs me to go…even if, like what I’m working on right now I am just standing in the still point and receiving whatever comes my way. I must say, the kind of fear that it is causing me is just as powerful as the time I climbed to the top of the pyramid of Chichen Itza and my physical response of terror that came when at the top, I turned around and then looked down (It is so steep I don’t think they let people scale it anymore).
I know I’m writing a lot these days, my heart finds it necessary (although my spirit guide is painfully quiet, except to keep reminding me to stand still and receive…so irritating). So many in the world are facing challenges that could dim their light, inhibit their blueprints, and allow darkness to gain ground…in both dramatic and inane ways. I am also beginning to understand, that learning to love completely in all love’s expressions, unequivocally, that I am even more powerful when I pray and the love I send outward to all of you is also more powerful, because the sound of my heart is different, its melody seems more intricate and all the more encompassing. Last night when I was looking up at the super moon, knowing all of you could see the same moon, I prayed that fear never have a hold on your life, your dreams. I want you to just think of Peter walking on water, don’t be one of little faith, but believe and embrace the power of love and it will propel you where you need to go. An aside, the latest elections in my country have given me renewed hope that indeed the villains need not win, because love is the author of our play. I also want you to read the following line from scripture (1John 4:16-19) whenever you feel that fear has a controlling power in your life:
We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us. God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in them. In this is love brought to perfection among us, that we have confidence on the day of judgment because as God is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because he first loved us
There is a post that is my most popular, and it has to do with perspective…that it is never two dimensional and requires we actually move from a solitary position to look at a situation from multiple angles and perspectives. And still, as I’ve been on this journey, my perspective has been limited or faulty along the way sometimes by my inability or lack of awareness in the moment to follow my own guidelines. At times, it was because of not being able to discern the difference between embracing potential and the reality of a situation, misplaced loyalty, holding onto a belief that didn’t hold up under scrutiny regardless of the clearly evident signs that it did not, or simply not wanting to face the obvious because of well…being naive or lacking in social cues, I’m me. These were often difficult, painful but necessary lessons in cleaning up my perspective in order to keep this journey moving forward toward whatever goal God has in mind for me. I see that some who spent time here looked for some posts that I have since deleted for my own reasons and let me just say this; as we all evolve, people and perspectives change and sometimes that means choosing different paths, whether they are parallel for a while, or completely diverge onto different roads. It is also the reason that I question my own perspective sometimes, and why it takes me a long time to figure things out. I think it has as much to do with what happens when you make the effort to climb to great heights, whether that be literal or figurative, and how that more expanded view forever transforms everything you see from that point on (and there is no way anyone can fake that view…meaning thinking they can see what you see without ever having made the effort is just not possible). But in the alternative, it has as much to do with my own susceptibility to fall into old patterns that have caused me lose faith in my own perspective that fogged up or skewed the view I see too.
The irony here is that the epiphany I have had about perspective happened when I stood in the still point, per my spirit guide and requiring to just be open and receive. It suddenly occurred to me that even when we move to see something from different perspectives, we still may not always get it right, especially when it requires human interaction. And given how calm I feel at this moment, simply standing still, I’m fine with that, as long as I know that my next steps include choosing to love unequivocally, which for me means God in all love’s expressions, so it can continue to be the power that moves me toward that greater faith in my perspective. While I admit I haven’t always had complete faith in my singular perspective, I do have faith that love will augment my limitations making it clearer and stronger in the future. To put it simply, I have to trust that God will move me where I’m destined to go regardless of the challenges or any limitations and as long as I am willing and am open to the necessary help offered to me, with eyes and heart wide open, I will get there and I pray that all of you do too.
The above picture is a perfect depiction of what my future path looks like. Usually from this place on the road you can see for miles…the fog was so thick, I could barely see the headlights of cars coming at me.
I don’t think the universe wants me to sleep, like ever. I was woken up at 1:30 in the morning by the app on my phone for the doorbell camera letting me know that my internet/router was not functioning. So, I got up and went downstairs only to find the router unplugged, my guess was that Steve lost the remote and couldn’t turn off the TV (same old nightmare, different day…and my guess was right, btw). Muttering like the cartoon Fred Flintstone character, I made myself a tea and opened my computer…big mistake. First, I can see on this blog if there is a particular category, tag, or keyword that is searched; I find it interesting to see what others are interested in. One I saw in particular, was a poem I wrote for my father on his birthday after he died. Of course, it cracked my soul wide open, and considering my present condition I was mortified to be so exposed…so I left this site and looked at more mundane fodder on my social media feeds. Boom, another slam. There is a place that I hold as my most sacred and beautiful, a place with so much magic that it has become the place I go to in my mind to meditate, to dance, to listen to my spirit guides, and it became in an instance not just my place anymore but an opportunity for another. While I should have been happy that others could see its magic, I wasn’t…and that revelation was problematic for me, no one else, just me. No place in the world can be just mine, which of course I already know rationally, but none of this is rational, of course. It also showed me how it feels to have the world go rolling by without me. In standing still, it suddenly occurred to me in the scheme of things how irrelevant at this point in time I am…at least that’s how I felt in the moment.
I can honestly say that in my interesting life I have never suffered from FOMO, i.e. fear of missing out. If I wanted to do something, I just did it, period and absorbed and learned from every moment. At this juncture, though, when my spirit guide more or less commanded that I stand still and be open to receive, which I dutifully did and was momentarily pleasantly surprised, said guide had now turned the tables to show me another side of standing still, one that I didn’t like at all, mostly because it reflected badly on me. When I should have been happy that there are those, whose journeys are taking them to new and exciting adventures, I was emotionally miserly and crushed at the thought of all that I was missing standing still here in this place. To add insult to injury, I couldn’t even remove myself to the mystical safe space I just mentioned because it had been, in my mind anyway appropriated and compromised. The profundity of that revelation, that I could be so unbelievably miserly and jealous about I place that I DON’T OWN OR HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER was mortifying. I haven’t felt such a deep want and need for something to remain only mine in a long time, and the petulance that came with it was gross. I’m sure all this personal sharing is also the reason I don’t sleep well anymore either, because I do loath it from the depths of my being. But I truly believe it is what is required of me on this journey. Telling the truth, even if it is unsightly keeps me real and flawed and hopefully gives me the credibility that I practice what I preach…even if at times I do it badly, I am at least willing to try.
So, I asked my guide what to make of all this. Why couldn’t I be happy to share, be patient or calmly keep standing still until I figured this shit out? I hated the answer because I also knew it was largely focused on the kind of love I’m weakest at, but he said this, and I’m still not sure what it means yet: “In order to love unequivocally, you have to be willing to love, even though it may mean you are not part of receiving any benefit from it at all, then and only then will you be equipped to not only wield love wholly, but also receive it wholly. Understanding these feelings is also how you know when to move forward. If it is from a place of envy and fear of missing out, then you are not being unequivocal, so until you can come to terms with what your motivation is, not generally, but specifically, and whether or not you truly want to be unequivocal in this instance, then just stand still until you do. The truth of the matter is that choosing to love unequivocally is the exception and not the rule right now and you have to be willing to embrace the kind of love you preach so eloquently about and for the love of God ask for help when you need it. Also, let me remind you that standing in the still point isn’t doing nothing. It is when you really come to know your dance.” I have to be honest, I already thought I was there…but as per usual, I am not, as evidenced by how pissed off and sad I am at standing still right now. For now, I will remain on what feels to be a sinking ship at the moment, although I do have to say that I am also an excellent swimmer.
“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless; Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is, But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity, Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards, Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point, There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”
The above quote from T.S. Elliot, is from a poem I remember reading when I was helping my father correct some English papers when I was younger…for whatever reason this line stuck with me and it came to mind yesterday. Ready to start the day, by girding my loins for whatever lesson came next with the express sense that I wasn’t going to like it at all…my spiritual helper’s voice boomed in my head: “You’re going to do nothing but stand still and be open to receive whatever comes your way.” Immediately, I was flustered because doing nothing has never been an instruction, an inclination or justifiable approach to any problem I’ve been presented or faced…I mean like, EVER. So in my head I stood still and didn’t move…and I didn’t like it, and was reminded all throughout the day to be still and receive and listen, like I was some sort of a toddler. But I did, and strangely, things did come, without any effort on my part and it was admittedly a little freaky, even though I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. Even though I barely slept…(which you can see by the bags under my eyes) and it is starting to become a pattern, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in awhile, because perhaps I can discover my dance at the still point and still have faith that God will not give me a stone when I need a loaf of bread.
While I still “feel” like I am walking in the dark, I don’t have the inclination to rush forward anymore, with a sense to just to get it over with. Slow, and still and being open to receive isn’t my go to, but for now it will have to do. Standing in a the still point, being open to receive took more faith than I ever realized. And in truth, for the first time in my life, for one who claims faith comes so easy, I felt like I was demonstrably bad at it (and I hate being bad at anything). Its humbling, and scary and I don’t know where I’m going but I’m beginning to believe strongly, and not just in a cognitive way, but in a heart way that it will be just as God planned, because my commitment to wielding love, unequivocally hasn’t wavered, so it gives me courage to keep taking one step at a time, and when I need to, to simply stand in the still point of my turning world.
This song, which is a bit old, has popped up in my mind a lot these days, especially when I begin to wonder if the darkness has finally begun to overpower us. I remembered that the lyrics always gave me comfort…so I looked them up and thought maybe you could be comforted by them too. The song is by David Wilcox and is called “Show me the Way” https://youtu.be/SBmIIDiN57E?si=uWg6Za6wdOYYtryf
I hope this short little post will bring the kind of comfort it brought me. The God of Love’s imagination is so much broader than our own little perspectives…
You say you see no hope You say you see no reason we should dream That the world would ever change You say the love is foolish to believe ‘Cause they’ll always be some crazy With an army or a knife To wake you from your daydream Put the fear back in your life
Look If someone wrote a play To just to glorify what’s stronger than hate Would they not arrange the stage To look as if the hero came too late? He’s almost in defeat It’s looking like the evil side will win, So on the edge of every seat From the moment that the whole thing begins
It is love who mixed the mortar And it’s love who stacked these stones And it’s love who made the stage here Although it looks like we’re alone In this scene, set in shadows, Like the night is here to stay There is evil cast around us But it’s love that wrote the play For in this darkness love can show the way
Now the stage is set You can feel your own heart beating in your chest This life’s not over yet So we get up on our feet and do our best We play against the fear We play against the reasons not to try We’re playing for the tears Burning in the happy angel’s eyes
For it’s love who mixed the mortar And it’s love who stacked these stones And it’s love who made the stage here Though it looks like we’re alone In this scene, set in shadows, Like the night is here to stay There is evil cast around us But it’s love that wrote the play For in this darkness love will show the way
So, living in the throes of painful emotions is not fun. One, because I am not good at them or understand them as evidenced by the shit show of the many incarnations I expressed over the last few days, and two, I had to take a moment to stand still to figure things out which I also wasn’t sure I wanted to do either. I simply find it easier, sometimes to just get lost in movement, like I usually do. So, I made a concerted effort to step away and then stand still in my messiness to ponder this: In my desire to wield love, what is my real motivation? Is the reason I am freaking out, that I am wielding it incorrectly? What is it that I want out of it? Am I being manipulative in any way, shape or form? And then, once the dam broke, the whole wellspring of feelings came pouring out all over the place. So, when the flood waters abated (pun intended), what was left exposed was one of my greatest fears, one that was drilled into me by multiple sources who should have known better…that the kind of love I desired and wanted to wield in the world, was not possible unless I changed who I was, because I am impractical and wildly imperfect and have such impossibly high standards and continue to push myself and others to be better relentlessly, or because there was not a person on the planet who could relate to someone so complicated, intense and driven like me, a spiritual whirling dervish, of sorts. Again, this is simply a revelation about what I was told by the most influential sources that surrounded me. And while I am aware that some acted on my behalf, because I know I can be difficult and a handful at times, I had to live with the sound of my soul on mute for a large part of my life, and as an observer that had an incredible effect on how I saw and at times still see the world. It is also the reason that I am so committed to doing whatever I can to help every individual out there know they were made just as God intended and hope no one ever has to live a moment of their lives with their souls on mute. So, for me, it was the appropriate time to acknowledge some difficult truths, that wielding love can never be done partially, with the kind of love I understand easily and am comfortable with, like spiritual love and familial/fraternal love. I have to embrace the scarier types too, because love is the source of a myriad of expressions and not just the ones we are comfortable with. This revelation also helped me understand why it has always been easier for me to embrace the love of an omniscient being who “has” to love me because my “worthiness” or “me-ness” was immaterial to the situation.
The good news is that I did, amongst other emotions, feel peace realizing that my motivation to wield love, while incomplete was propelled by a true desire to help others shine their light in the world, and not to manipulate anyone to my particular point of view, or acceptance of anything I have to offer. The nature of love, which according to my faith is always rooted in qualities that are clearly laid out in and evolved throughout the Old and New Testament only really come to mean anything at all when put into action. The expressions are myriad depending on the individual and the kind of love whether it’s from spiritual love called “agape” which is the highest form of love, to “philia” a brotherly/sisterly love, to “eros” the desire and passion between people in love. While the substance of love is the same for all three, the expressions or how we wield it is not, so I’ve come to understand. And, as I learn to fill in the emotional gaps in my year of faith, in hopes of being more effective and powerful at wielding love in the world, (the lessons of which I choose to keep close to my heart), I have to start with me. I am who I am, just as God has created me to be and am worthy of the kind of love I desire, all of us are, even though I’m not sure what that means at this point. Again, what motivates me is the key, and as I fumble forward anything rooted in fear or old beliefs is unacceptable, so I am, within the framework of my faith, tackling those things that don’t necessarily come easy, but I also know how important understanding love is, so I’m charging up that mountainside.
I also want to state clearly that I know how manipulative the world can be…I see it every day, especially on social media…but like I learned from the story of taming the wood fox in “The Little Prince”, it’s so much harder to be manipulated when the proper rites of establishing ties are followed, and taking the time and having the patience it takes to “waste” time for those you establish ties with is a clear part of the equation…and it is the only way to transform how someone sees a wheat field.
I wasn’t planning on posting today, but I am in such deep internal conflict, that I felt compelled to respond to well,…I don’t like my words from past posts used against me (which it intuitively feels like, not sure)…even if or when appropriate. It feels passive aggressive and well, more a mechanism to invalidate and pass judgment than appreciate and understand where someone is coming from. While I understand no one can understand a person’s soul, I think I’ve laid mine out pretty consistently here, and regardless of how flawed this journey has been and how damaged I may be, there has been an evolution from older to newer posts…and yet I am still a person of consequence in God’s eyes, and should be treated as such. Kahlil Gibran says that your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite, and that neither reason nor passion should rule alone. Reason without passion is confining, while passion without reason is self-destructive. They are the rudder and sails of the soul; both are needed for a controlled journey. I have always taken this to heart because often the greatest conflicts are internal, and as Gibran says, one must constantly treat passion and judgement like two loved guests in your house giving equal honor and attention to both. I try to also take Jesus’ advice to remove the plank from my own eyes before I point out a speck in another’s. Again, while I’m not always successful, I am the painter in this situation, and I always start with my own canvas first.
Even wielding love requires balancing reason, judgement, passion and appetite. And it is pretty obvious that I’ve treated one guest, reason and judgment in my soul better than the passion and appetite and in the attempt to balance them out it may have gotten a bit messy, especially moving into a space that I never intended, expected or understood how completely overwhelming it could be. Gibran also suggests that loving in secret is a way to protect the love itself from the “foolishness” of revealing secrets and the pain that comes from exposure. He advises keeping passion concealed, as it is both a secret and a medicine, and its hidden nature is what protects it, much like hiding troubles can keep you safe. And while I see the wisdom in that from an individual perspective, unfortunately I believe it conflicts with the love that is commanded of us by God. While praying and giving in private may be a mechanism to insure one’s motivations are pure, and to please God, love is not something that is done in secret, but proven by actions, actions that say to the world that no one should be embarrassed by love… in any form. And, as I have alluded to by my vibrant and vivid dreams of being naked all the time, also tells me that hiding love is something none of us can afford to do right now, so I won’t even when I feel cornered by emotions that are completely overwhelming. I will continue to love unequivocally and unencumbered by personal invention and in accordance to my faith, even knowing that it can and will cause me discomfort, awkwardness and at other times elation. So, there is the unvarnished truth that I didn’t want to share…and yet did. I am walking solo in my own shoes forward into a future that is terrifying yet at the same time rooted in the wonderful blueprint that I was born with and a faith that God has a future for me also rooted in joy and not sorrow. Let me conclude with another line from Gibran: let love be a moving sea between the shores of your souls, its seems to fit my particular situation perfectly.
