There is a post that is my most popular, and it has to do with perspective…that it is never two dimensional and requires we actually move from a solitary position to look at a situation from multiple angles and perspectives. And still, as I’ve been on this journey, my perspective has been limited or faulty along the way sometimes by my inability or lack of awareness in the moment to follow my own guidelines. At times, it was because of not being able to discern the difference between embracing potential and the reality of a situation, misplaced loyalty, holding onto a belief that didn’t hold up under scrutiny regardless of the clearly evident signs that it did not, or simply not wanting to face the obvious because of well…being naive or lacking in social cues, I’m me. These were often difficult, painful but necessary lessons in cleaning up my perspective in order to keep this journey moving forward toward whatever goal God has in mind for me. I see that some who spent time here looked for some posts that I have since deleted for my own reasons and let me just say this; as we all evolve, people and perspectives change and sometimes that means choosing different paths, whether they are parallel for a while, or completely diverge onto different roads. It is also the reason that I question my own perspective sometimes, and why it takes me a long time to figure things out. I think it has as much to do with what happens when you make the effort to climb to great heights, whether that be literal or figurative, and how that more expanded view forever transforms everything you see from that point on (and there is no way anyone can fake that view…meaning thinking they can see what you see without ever having made the effort is just not possible). But in the alternative, it has as much to do with my own susceptibility to fall into old patterns that have caused me lose faith in my own perspective that fogged up or skewed the view I see too.
The irony here is that the epiphany I have had about perspective happened when I stood in the still point, per my spirit guide and requiring to just be open and receive. It suddenly occurred to me that even when we move to see something from different perspectives, we still may not always get it right, especially when it requires human interaction. And given how calm I feel at this moment, simply standing still, I’m fine with that, as long as I know that my next steps include choosing to love unequivocally, which for me means God in all love’s expressions, so it can continue to be the power that moves me toward that greater faith in my perspective. While I admit I haven’t always had complete faith in my singular perspective, I do have faith that love will augment my limitations making it clearer and stronger in the future. To put it simply, I have to trust that God will move me where I’m destined to go regardless of the challenges or any limitations and as long as I am willing and am open to the necessary help offered to me, with eyes and heart wide open, I will get there and I pray that all of you do too.
The above picture is a perfect depiction of what my future path looks like. Usually from this place on the road you can see for miles…the fog was so thick, I could barely see the headlights of cars coming at me.
I don’t think the universe wants me to sleep, like ever. I was woken up at 1:30 in the morning by the app on my phone for the doorbell camera letting me know that my internet/router was not functioning. So, I got up and went downstairs only to find the router unplugged, my guess was that Steve lost the remote and couldn’t turn off the TV (same old nightmare, different day…and my guess was right, btw). Muttering like the cartoon Fred Flintstone character, I made myself a tea and opened my computer…big mistake. First, I can see on this blog if there is a particular category, tag, or keyword that is searched; I find it interesting to see what others are interested in. One I saw in particular, was a poem I wrote for my father on his birthday after he died. Of course, it cracked my soul wide open, and considering my present condition I was mortified to be so exposed…so I left this site and looked at more mundane fodder on my social media feeds. Boom, another slam. There is a place that I hold as my most sacred and beautiful, a place with so much magic that it has become the place I go to in my mind to meditate, to dance, to listen to my spirit guides, and it became in an instance not just my place anymore but an opportunity for another. While I should have been happy that others could see its magic, I wasn’t…and that revelation was problematic for me, no one else, just me. No place in the world can be just mine, which of course I already know rationally, but none of this is rational, of course. It also showed me how it feels to have the world go rolling by without me. In standing still, it suddenly occurred to me in the scheme of things how irrelevant at this point in time I am…at least that’s how I felt in the moment.
I can honestly say that in my interesting life I have never suffered from FOMO, i.e. fear of missing out. If I wanted to do something, I just did it, period and absorbed and learned from every moment. At this juncture, though, when my spirit guide more or less commanded that I stand still and be open to receive, which I dutifully did and was momentarily pleasantly surprised, said guide had now turned the tables to show me another side of standing still, one that I didn’t like at all, mostly because it reflected badly on me. When I should have been happy that there are those, whose journeys are taking them to new and exciting adventures, I was emotionally miserly and crushed at the thought of all that I was missing standing still here in this place. To add insult to injury, I couldn’t even remove myself to the mystical safe space I just mentioned because it had been, in my mind anyway appropriated and compromised. The profundity of that revelation, that I could be so unbelievably miserly and jealous about I place that I DON’T OWN OR HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER was mortifying. I haven’t felt such a deep want and need for something to remain only mine in a long time, and the petulance that came with it was gross. I’m sure all this personal sharing is also the reason I don’t sleep well anymore either, because I do loath it from the depths of my being. But I truly believe it is what is required of me on this journey. Telling the truth, even if it is unsightly keeps me real and flawed and hopefully gives me the credibility that I practice what I preach…even if at times I do it badly, I am at least willing to try.
So, I asked my guide what to make of all this. Why couldn’t I be happy to share, be patient or calmly keep standing still until I figured this shit out? I hated the answer because I also knew it was largely focused on the kind of love I’m weakest at, but he said this, and I’m still not sure what it means yet: “In order to love unequivocally, you have to be willing to love, even though it may mean you are not part of receiving any benefit from it at all, then and only then will you be equipped to not only wield love wholly, but also receive it wholly. Understanding these feelings is also how you know when to move forward. If it is from a place of envy and fear of missing out, then you are not being unequivocal, so until you can come to terms with what your motivation is, not generally, but specifically, and whether or not you truly want to be unequivocal in this instance, then just stand still until you do. The truth of the matter is that choosing to love unequivocally is the exception and not the rule right now and you have to be willing to embrace the kind of love you preach so eloquently about and for the love of God ask for help when you need it. Also, let me remind you that standing in the still point isn’t doing nothing. It is when you really come to know your dance.” I have to be honest, I already thought I was there…but as per usual, I am not, as evidenced by how pissed off and sad I am at standing still right now. For now, I will remain on what feels to be a sinking ship at the moment, although I do have to say that I am also an excellent swimmer.
“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless; Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is, But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity, Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards, Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point, There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”
The above quote from T.S. Elliot, is from a poem I remember reading when I was helping my father correct some English papers when I was younger…for whatever reason this line stuck with me and it came to mind yesterday. Ready to start the day, by girding my loins for whatever lesson came next with the express sense that I wasn’t going to like it at all…my spiritual helper’s voice boomed in my head: “You’re going to do nothing but stand still and be open to receive whatever comes your way.” Immediately, I was flustered because doing nothing has never been an instruction, an inclination or justifiable approach to any problem I’ve been presented or faced…I mean like, EVER. So in my head I stood still and didn’t move…and I didn’t like it, and was reminded all throughout the day to be still and receive and listen, like I was some sort of a toddler. But I did, and strangely, things did come, without any effort on my part and it was admittedly a little freaky, even though I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. Even though I barely slept…(which you can see by the bags under my eyes) and it is starting to become a pattern, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in awhile, because perhaps I can discover my dance at the still point and still have faith that God will not give me a stone when I need a loaf of bread.
While I still “feel” like I am walking in the dark, I don’t have the inclination to rush forward anymore, with a sense to just to get it over with. Slow, and still and being open to receive isn’t my go to, but for now it will have to do. Standing in a the still point, being open to receive took more faith than I ever realized. And in truth, for the first time in my life, for one who claims faith comes so easy, I felt like I was demonstrably bad at it (and I hate being bad at anything). Its humbling, and scary and I don’t know where I’m going but I’m beginning to believe strongly, and not just in a cognitive way, but in a heart way that it will be just as God planned, because my commitment to wielding love, unequivocally hasn’t wavered, so it gives me courage to keep taking one step at a time, and when I need to, to simply stand in the still point of my turning world.
This song, which is a bit old, has popped up in my mind a lot these days, especially when I begin to wonder if the darkness has finally begun to overpower us. I remembered that the lyrics always gave me comfort…so I looked them up and thought maybe you could be comforted by them too. The song is by David Wilcox and is called “Show me the Way” https://youtu.be/SBmIIDiN57E?si=uWg6Za6wdOYYtryf
I hope this short little post will bring the kind of comfort it brought me. The God of Love’s imagination is so much broader than our own little perspectives…
You say you see no hope You say you see no reason we should dream That the world would ever change You say the love is foolish to believe ‘Cause they’ll always be some crazy With an army or a knife To wake you from your daydream Put the fear back in your life
Look If someone wrote a play To just to glorify what’s stronger than hate Would they not arrange the stage To look as if the hero came too late? He’s almost in defeat It’s looking like the evil side will win, So on the edge of every seat From the moment that the whole thing begins
It is love who mixed the mortar And it’s love who stacked these stones And it’s love who made the stage here Although it looks like we’re alone In this scene, set in shadows, Like the night is here to stay There is evil cast around us But it’s love that wrote the play For in this darkness love can show the way
Now the stage is set You can feel your own heart beating in your chest This life’s not over yet So we get up on our feet and do our best We play against the fear We play against the reasons not to try We’re playing for the tears Burning in the happy angel’s eyes
For it’s love who mixed the mortar And it’s love who stacked these stones And it’s love who made the stage here Though it looks like we’re alone In this scene, set in shadows, Like the night is here to stay There is evil cast around us But it’s love that wrote the play For in this darkness love will show the way
So, living in the throes of painful emotions is not fun. One, because I am not good at them or understand them as evidenced by the shit show of the many incarnations I expressed over the last few days, and two, I had to take a moment to stand still to figure things out which I also wasn’t sure I wanted to do either. I simply find it easier, sometimes to just get lost in movement, like I usually do. So, I made a concerted effort to step away and then stand still in my messiness to ponder this: In my desire to wield love, what is my real motivation? Is the reason I am freaking out, that I am wielding it incorrectly? What is it that I want out of it? Am I being manipulative in any way, shape or form? And then, once the dam broke, the whole wellspring of feelings came pouring out all over the place. So, when the flood waters abated (pun intended), what was left exposed was one of my greatest fears, one that was drilled into me by multiple sources who should have known better…that the kind of love I desired and wanted to wield in the world, was not possible unless I changed who I was, because I am impractical and wildly imperfect and have such impossibly high standards and continue to push myself and others to be better relentlessly, or because there was not a person on the planet who could relate to someone so complicated, intense and driven like me, a spiritual whirling dervish, of sorts. Again, this is simply a revelation about what I was told by the most influential sources that surrounded me. And while I am aware that some acted on my behalf, because I know I can be difficult and a handful at times, I had to live with the sound of my soul on mute for a large part of my life, and as an observer that had an incredible effect on how I saw and at times still see the world. It is also the reason that I am so committed to doing whatever I can to help every individual out there know they were made just as God intended and hope no one ever has to live a moment of their lives with their souls on mute. So, for me, it was the appropriate time to acknowledge some difficult truths, that wielding love can never be done partially, with the kind of love I understand easily and am comfortable with, like spiritual love and familial/fraternal love. I have to embrace the scarier types too, because love is the source of a myriad of expressions and not just the ones we are comfortable with. This revelation also helped me understand why it has always been easier for me to embrace the love of an omniscient being who “has” to love me because my “worthiness” or “me-ness” was immaterial to the situation.
The good news is that I did, amongst other emotions, feel peace realizing that my motivation to wield love, while incomplete was propelled by a true desire to help others shine their light in the world, and not to manipulate anyone to my particular point of view, or acceptance of anything I have to offer. The nature of love, which according to my faith is always rooted in qualities that are clearly laid out in and evolved throughout the Old and New Testament only really come to mean anything at all when put into action. The expressions are myriad depending on the individual and the kind of love whether it’s from spiritual love called “agape” which is the highest form of love, to “philia” a brotherly/sisterly love, to “eros” the desire and passion between people in love. While the substance of love is the same for all three, the expressions or how we wield it is not, so I’ve come to understand. And, as I learn to fill in the emotional gaps in my year of faith, in hopes of being more effective and powerful at wielding love in the world, (the lessons of which I choose to keep close to my heart), I have to start with me. I am who I am, just as God has created me to be and am worthy of the kind of love I desire, all of us are, even though I’m not sure what that means at this point. Again, what motivates me is the key, and as I fumble forward anything rooted in fear or old beliefs is unacceptable, so I am, within the framework of my faith, tackling those things that don’t necessarily come easy, but I also know how important understanding love is, so I’m charging up that mountainside.
I also want to state clearly that I know how manipulative the world can be…I see it every day, especially on social media…but like I learned from the story of taming the wood fox in “The Little Prince”, it’s so much harder to be manipulated when the proper rites of establishing ties are followed, and taking the time and having the patience it takes to “waste” time for those you establish ties with is a clear part of the equation…and it is the only way to transform how someone sees a wheat field.
I wasn’t planning on posting today, but I am in such deep internal conflict, that I felt compelled to respond to well,…I don’t like my words from past posts used against me (which it intuitively feels like, not sure)…even if or when appropriate. It feels passive aggressive and well, more a mechanism to invalidate and pass judgment than appreciate and understand where someone is coming from. While I understand no one can understand a person’s soul, I think I’ve laid mine out pretty consistently here, and regardless of how flawed this journey has been and how damaged I may be, there has been an evolution from older to newer posts…and yet I am still a person of consequence in God’s eyes, and should be treated as such. Kahlil Gibran says that your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite, and that neither reason nor passion should rule alone. Reason without passion is confining, while passion without reason is self-destructive. They are the rudder and sails of the soul; both are needed for a controlled journey. I have always taken this to heart because often the greatest conflicts are internal, and as Gibran says, one must constantly treat passion and judgement like two loved guests in your house giving equal honor and attention to both. I try to also take Jesus’ advice to remove the plank from my own eyes before I point out a speck in another’s. Again, while I’m not always successful, I am the painter in this situation, and I always start with my own canvas first.
Even wielding love requires balancing reason, judgement, passion and appetite. And it is pretty obvious that I’ve treated one guest, reason and judgment in my soul better than the passion and appetite and in the attempt to balance them out it may have gotten a bit messy, especially moving into a space that I never intended, expected or understood how completely overwhelming it could be. Gibran also suggests that loving in secret is a way to protect the love itself from the “foolishness” of revealing secrets and the pain that comes from exposure. He advises keeping passion concealed, as it is both a secret and a medicine, and its hidden nature is what protects it, much like hiding troubles can keep you safe. And while I see the wisdom in that from an individual perspective, unfortunately I believe it conflicts with the love that is commanded of us by God. While praying and giving in private may be a mechanism to insure one’s motivations are pure, and to please God, love is not something that is done in secret, but proven by actions, actions that say to the world that no one should be embarrassed by love… in any form. And, as I have alluded to by my vibrant and vivid dreams of being naked all the time, also tells me that hiding love is something none of us can afford to do right now, so I won’t even when I feel cornered by emotions that are completely overwhelming. I will continue to love unequivocally and unencumbered by personal invention and in accordance to my faith, even knowing that it can and will cause me discomfort, awkwardness and at other times elation. So, there is the unvarnished truth that I didn’t want to share…and yet did. I am walking solo in my own shoes forward into a future that is terrifying yet at the same time rooted in the wonderful blueprint that I was born with and a faith that God has a future for me also rooted in joy and not sorrow. Let me conclude with another line from Gibran: let love be a moving sea between the shores of your souls, its seems to fit my particular situation perfectly.
A change in scenery is often a benefit for me when I am stuck in a place where I feel an inability to move anywhere, on any level. So, the chance to go to Louisville Kentucky to experience the bourbon capital of the world and a Jim Gaffigan concert to kickoff of his bourbon tour by a dear friend of Steve’s was a gift from God (even though, honestly, I don’t like bourbon…like AT all). Staying at the amazing 21cMuseum hotel that also housed its own museum of modern art, which I don’t understand but fell in love with anyway, was the perfect context to appreciate and embrace the emotions that I didn’t understand either. Before the trip I prayed that I would be in the moment for every personal interaction and make good eye contact and let the moment itself lead the way. What followed over the next few days, while exhausting and invigorating at the same time, stilled many of my fears about what and how to feel. I simply chose not to control them, and regardless of how awkward I felt about what the “right” thing to do was, or put any particular name or parameter on them, I just felt what I felt and let my heart guide whatever came out of my mouth (which for someone as cerebral as I am, was a bit like riding a bike with a blindfold on). It wasn’t always perfect, but it was true and honest, which I guess is the best that I could ask for.
I had amazing encounters, for example, I loved the trans concierge who I made sure to keep eye contact with while we bonded over funny stories. She was “obsessed” with my eyelashes and couldn’t believe they were real, told me stories about her ex and the Green Bay Packers and I showed her my latest painting and then asked if I could take her picture because I wanted to paint her. I’m not sure if she believed me, but I got her contact info and look forward to the surprise she will receive someday soon. There was also a moment when I was able to with a look and a give heart gesture with my thumbs because I didn’t know what else to do to give comfort to a server who dropped a whole tray of glassware at the bar and had the wherewithal to ask first if everyone was ok, and was so upset she had to leave the area, but not before I flashed her what hopefully was my sign of been there done that and don’t worry about it. She smiled, though, in a real way…so maybe it helped. I chose, specifically, to make eye contact with the doorman, and thank him for all the great info he gave us about Louisville and oh the smile that lit up his face! I focused on all the staff at the distilleries and restaurants who served us and thanked them personally (because you know they all wear name tags). I think I freaked a few of them out…but the fact that I had to use my umbrella after a while for a cane because my hip was literally killing me from all the standing and the walking we did made me seem a little less, well, weird, I guess. I think there are a lot of people in the world who go about their day doing hard work for others who never get noticed and I made it a personal commitment to notice everyone I had contact with. And it was lovely, and yet, because you know there will always be another side…I was also forced to acknowledge that no amount of training will change the reality that my other hip was clearly coming to a point of no return and would need replacing…like soon. So, amidst the pain of everything emotional, the pain of the physical was right there too but in a weird way it put me in the perfect place to deal with my emotional weakness. Pain seems to have a way of keeping me from faking anything…at all. As an aside, my last hip replacement was a dream, I walked out after less than 24 hours, with just a cane, and was pretty much back to normal after just a few weeks (which is also when Steve nearly killed himself in a bike race). And who knows, maybe there is another mountain or cliff to climb in my future…always good to have goals, right?
The weird thing about letting my heart do the walking and the talking on this trip is that it is also when I felt most deeply that letting go of control, of trying to choreograph what something is “supposed” to look like is when I felt the power of God, of love the most deeply. I want to be very careful here, because I’ve heard plenty of tales of “love made me do it” as a way to justify behavior and other kinds of bullshit, and that isn’t what I’m saying at all. What I am trying to say, however inarticulately, that while I understand cognitively what love means to me, as the force and power that propels me forward from a standpoint of belief, I also needed to allow “it” to be what actually moved me, in whatever form it needed to take without my own baggage getting in the way of it, especially without my interpretation of the what the “rightness” of it should look like. I hope this isn’t too confusing but simply saying that I learned to let go and let God seemed too trivial and stupid, for all the upheaval it has caused me. While I have not completely let go of all the compartmentalized crap I’ve held onto for so long, I have moved beyond it to hopefully a freedom to trust my own heart and allow it to feel what it feels and trust that it will be in accordance with what God requires of me.
I did continue to have trouble sleeping. In the quiet the feelings I avoid would manifest themselves quite powerfully leaving me in a puddle much of the time…but that’s all I’ll say about that. The good news is I never felt alone, ever, but just needed to “let go and let God”, as it were (plus Steve sleeps like the dead so I didn’t have to worry about keeping him awake).
All in all, the trip was incredible, with great restaurants and distillery tours and tastings, and especially the Jim Gaffigan concert, and being able to attend his after party. I don’t think I’ve laughed that long and hard for a very long time. Who knew Louisville and learning to become bourbon forward would help me have faith in living in the moment, but it did.
The woman sat quietly on a rock facing blowing sands of the desert as a guide approached her. “You’re new,” she said.
He sat beside her and asked, “How are the love trajectories going?”
“Is that meant to be sarcastic?” she replied, immediately irritated.
“Perhaps, a bit,” he replied, “it feels a bit silly and naive” he added.
“What is that supposed to mean?” she said.
Well,” he said cautiously, “I think you are focusing on the more frivolous aspects of, what do you call them, ‘ripples of love’…
“Hmm, there is nothing frivolous about any kind of love, especially when I know that the song of my heart rings true, and I will not allow anyone, even you to make commentary on it. Thats not why I am here, and you know it.” She felt suddenly cold but knew the moment she set in motion had arrived.
“Ok, he replied, “Then why are we here?”
“Why should I tell you, isn’t it your job to instruct me?” She turned to face him.
He laughed and said, “Come on, I have been present in your life all along, you know the sound of my heart, you should be able to guess pretty accurately by now”
To which she responded, “Oh Serpent, we both know you don’t even have a heart”
Taken off guard, he said “What did you call me?”
She responded quietly, “Yes its true, you have been present in my life all along. You were there in every trauma, every obstacle, and every attempt to break me.”
Shifting quickly, he said: “Yes I have, especially in that faulty human structure of yours, the challenges, of which I am particularly proud to have thrown you off your game…I must say you have functionally allowed me to place limits on you in so many ways.”
“Once again, serpent, you’ve completely misread the situation” the woman challenged back, “While I don’t know how much of your hand was involved in my broken spine, the autoimmune diseases, or damage from accidents, you completely fail to understand how the grace I received transformed all those challenges, no, transformed me into the defier of odds, a beneficiary of strength I never would have known otherwise.” She said with a growing confidence that comes with saying it out loud.
“And yet I’m telling you; it will only crush you in the end.” He said, in a way only a serpent could.
The woman didn’t miss a beat, “You’ve said that before through the doctors who told me early on, that without the surgery, I would never carry children, and I had two, they said I would be walking with a walker by 40, and I’ve ridden my bike hundreds of miles across this country, camped out and hiked, sailed, climbed and learned to adapt to dietary restrictions, and health practices to curb my anxiety and focused on my brain and went to law school, and tried a host of other ways to pivot your attempts to break my spirit, my blueprint. You’ve stolen my smile three times, and three times, I did every protocol, and my smile came back. You have plagued me but never broken me. I’ve never taken an illicit drug, or painkiller ever, and I have embraced every necessary health regimen to be as normal as possible.” The woman looked directly into the serpent’s subtle shift in expression, “Your smirk is misguided! I have become something so much more and I celebrate my tenacity, strength and adaptability, so let me tell you, your threats of my demise are as empty as your soul, they do nothing but inspire me to work harder!”
His tone, becoming more ominous, said: “Celebrate all you like. You are but an insect, whom I simply enjoy torturing. What have you called our dance? Death of a thousand cuts?”
Laughing, she turned to him and said “An insect can also wreak havoc too serpent, look at any pandemic in history! It seems you don’t recognize the sound of my heart, after all. While you have received my sad message of taking a beat to stay intact as I wrote this post, know that it was simply a ruse to lure you here by feigning weakness, it dawned on me that sound, one you will never hear allows me to move beyond you, and around your machinations.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”, the serpent replied, “While you are correct that I don’t have a heart, I can feel the vibrations of your pathetic human heart caught in fantasies of sending out trajectories, fantasies of wielding love and bringing light into the world, which in truth, carry no greater weight than a spec of sand in the face of billions, and you think your sorry attempts matter at all? Right now, I am grooming multitudes into monsters, who will maim and kill and there is nothing you can do about it.
“Yes, it’s true…I’ve seen your latest handiwork at the Catholic School I know so well, Serpent”, the woman said in a slow condescending manner, “But please note, however, mine is not just a singular heart anymore, I am Eve, the first sinner, I am also Mary, the first saved…”
Showing a hint of irritation for the first time, the serpent, now in his true form said “So you figured it out, tread carefully woman, I too knew you before you were born, I tempted you to fall the first time, I will do it again”
“Oh, I’m not finished” the woman said, “I have come to learn, and to understand, and be transformed by a multitude of hearts that have crossed my path in a myriad of ways.” The woman turned quietly and said fiercely, “Though you can’t feel my heart, serpent, know that it is no longer just a frail human one shrouded in innocence and fear, it is augmented by His heart, His love, His gift of grace along with studying a millennia of your game playing and tricks, which, by the way, have more than blessed me with opportunities to find goodness in whatever you placed in my path this time around and I have become even stronger. So, hear me now, I am God’s whisperer, and I am not afraid of you or your chaos”
“As it stands whisperer” the serpent responded, “I can make it so no one will ever hear you again. I can make it so you become a joke, a woman who is delusional, a person of no consequence.”
“While you may try, and its true I am just a small woman whose great accomplishment is her simple persistent presence in the world, the multitude of experiences and interactions I have had in the world is clear evidence of the contrary. And remember the most important axiom of the Savior, all people are of consequence, faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains, and love never fails.” the woman continued, “And in all truth serpent, while you always focus on the big flashy picture, and the buildup of powerful tyrants and devastating wars, I, and others like me, have appreciated the power of the movement of butterfly wings to affect the future. I never needed to be big and powerful, although my path put me in the presence of some pretty powerful trajectories, just to see how at their core they are no more powerful a force than I am. The ripples of love already unleashed in the world in simple and ordinary ways are shining brightly in a manner that you can’t even begin to recognize…and you won’t because you don’t really know the sound of my heart, God’s heart, or anyone else’s heart out for that matter. The sound of those hearts is a chorus of love, the songs of their souls, the manifestation of the heavenly blueprint they were made to be and are shining their light in both simple and dramatic ways at this very moment, thus creating not just ripples, but tides of love, that you can’t possibly stop. I know this because you would need a heart to hear it, to feel it, and you would need to know the vibration of the sound of love, and how powerful it has become but you can’t. You may be the purveyor of lies, the Father of smoke screens, but those are temporary illusions at best and will not hold beyond the temporary chaos they create. The momentum has already begun; the tide is turning.”
The Serpent became angry and ominous and got in her face and spit out his final words “I will continue to bury this world in Chaos, noise and fear, and I will twist the Savior’s words like I have throughout history, and I will rip you and others apart like I have done since you ate that apple in the garden and unleashed sin into the world, and I will celebrate its demise”
Backing a step away, she thought for a moment and whispered: “That is the beauty of being just a small, ‘insignificant’ speck, one of many, we have, together, already defeated you. When Jesus died, and before he rose, he broke the walls of hell. You have relied on lies to cover this truth up, but they will no longer hold. The war has already been won with his sacrifice. What is left is each individual choice to receive his grace, to believe they are worthy of it. In this, I will succeed, because I have prayed for it, and if you know anything about His promises, anything asked for in goodness, shall be given to me” She paused and took a deep breath and said with authority, “Oh, and He asked me to tell you this: “You have lost the bet serpent, there is nowhere my love can’t reach. She is mine and I will be there for her, and when she calls me, I will answer,” She stepped back and looked into the void that were his eyes and felt calm and completely unafraid and said, “so let me add my message as well, a favorite quote from the priest and scientist Teilhard de Chardin, whose rhythm also beats in my heart: ‘Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, humanity will have discovered fire.’ And just so you don’t forget, let me repeat myself, though I may be small and seemingly insignificant in your plot, I have prayed for and sent out love to support the initial conditions of a multitude of beautiful blueprints God has created everywhere for decades, so we together, can take this newly discovered fire, this harnessed love and wield it in our world. Your biggest mistake was disregarding the simple movement of a butterfly’s wings, or the power of a mustard seed. Trajectories have expanded, the seeds of love have taken root, and their lights are shining bright. With God together we will wield love and bring the Kingdom to fruition.”
The serpent stood silent before her. She took a deep breath and said: “You tire me serpent…I brought you here to tell you that I am no longer afraid of you and the havoc you have brought into my life, you cannot and will not hurt me anymore. God won’t allow it, because I finally see myself clearly enough to have already asked Him not to allow it. God is unequivocal, Love is unequivocal, and now I am unequivocal. In every step forward, I am fire, harnessing love and sending it out without restrictions, without limits, fully and without fear with a deep abiding faith that in each and every visual light I see and prayerful whisper I release to every person I send it to, is a love strong enough to shape weather and move mountains. A love that is a seal on my arm, a seal on my heart, stronger than death and one that never fails. So, yes I will continue to send out ‘my trajectories of love,’ as you call them, and once they are received and it cracks open souls like it has mine, they will do the same, and begin to affect the world as only love can do and together we shall unleash the powerful blueprints we were all called to be, in all their myriad of colors and expressions.” She looked up to where the serpent began to dissipate and said, “And always remember, there is no place anywhere, even in hell where the love of God can’t reach.”
There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces. A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace
Today I apologize for being cryptic as I share the above quote from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. Right now I am working on my next post entitled: Faith and the Serpent, a daunting title, I know. I need the time and space to move ahead in tact, and had a very strong need to explain that. Think of it as my experience in the desert like Jesus did facing challenges and temptations. I may be quiet for a bit, but forging through whatever is necessary. A good thought or two my way would be good.
There is no picture this time, because it is my belief that it would jinx the great possibilities of what is to come….so read on.
I think it was after my dad died in 2016 that my faith in what is to come shifted dramatically towards the negative. Curiously, I would call myself a Pollyanna by nature, but my father, however, used to say it was just naivete. Over time I realized while my optimism was a great gift, when blind and disregarding the glaringly obvious, it is ceased to be a gift and became a millstone around my neck. When I say blind, I have always had a tendency to superimpose my belief and hope in individuals over who they really were and are at any given moment. Seeing potential in someone, or a community or country and seeing who they really are, are two very different things…and it is a bit embarrassing to admit that in the past I had been pretty thick about who or what I believed about the people that surrounded me. The school of hard knocks woke me up to this fact in many blistering ways and I had to learn that as much as I am hard on myself, I had to learn to be hard on others too when they came up short and I was the one left wounded. I know plenty of others have had the same kind of experiences, but since these are my observations, I choose to let the wounds help me evolve, and looking back I am a very slow learner, it would seem. I am also fully aware that I don’t live in a vacuum, I am culpable as well, I’m sure there are those who are disappointed in me too, but what is a bit different for me is that I already walk in the world completely unfiltered, so what you see is what you get, flaws and all, so usually people are just disappointed in me right away. There are plenty of posts beginning with 2017 that deal with truth, lies, power etc. that show a progression of how I tried to move more objectively in the world while trying hard to remain optimistic as well as hold onto the faith I always had in my future path. While those were pretty dark days of the soul, I knew I had to rebuild the foundation in how I moved forward in the world, while often in companionable silence with others (I never talked about it much), I grew to know that my faith in what is to come is ultimately a solitary endeavor, I learned how to rely on myself, and reassess what that looked like for everyone else in my life and shift accordingly.
Which brings me to this moment. I think the years of building and learning hard lessons paved the way for me to walk with cautious optimism into my future. Don’t get me wrong, I think we are living in the biggest shit show of our time, where foundations of culture are rattling against the will of powerful men (not being sexist here, just look around) who just want to be King of the Hill at the expense of the less powerful. I am not blindly optimistic anymore. While I still see and recognize unlimited potential in myself and others, the proof of that is in how you actually walk in the world. I have let go of false limitations that hinder my movement and embrace the fact that while at any given moment, my trajectory may bring me to uncomfortable and scary moments, it may lead me to as many amazing and celebratory ones too. It is simply a consequence of living in a deeply flawed yet beautiful world. And I do trust that God has my back. This quote from Jeremiah 29:11-14 helps me move through the tough moments as well as those that make my heart happy:
For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart you will find me with you, says the LORD, and I will change your lot.
I truly believe that God would not have called me to this life to be stymied by it, even when it was by my own flawed sight. But as I have said before, I am limited to four dimensions, but God is not. God’s sees the end of my trajectory, I cannot. I do however know that if my movements are fueled by the deep love in my heart that I can withstand any challenge before me. I do believe God listens, and when I look for Him, for love, I will find him. For the first time in my life, I think I can say with confidence that the older wiser version of my Pollyanna nature is spot on in believing we can have faith in what’s to come.
There is no point in believing you can have faith in God without love…The following verse from 1 Corinthians 13 is one that is embedded in my mind and soul. It as a directive for my daily living and am as emboldened by it as debilitated by it. I am measured by it and found wanting by it a lot, a simple and painful truth, but let’s just say that with what follows I’m keeping true to the promise I made at the beginning of this journey and because of the incessant broadcasting of my incomparable heavenly voice not letting me off the hook…again.
If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing
That pretty much sums it up. If you search this site, I have many posts about love, its substance, wielding it, how it will never be limited to expression or structure, and most importantly that while its essence remains constant, it is also a melody that is unique to each soul, guiding each person to choreograph their own unique dance to make it efficacious in the world spreading its light outward to halt the darkness. So, faith without love, for me anyway, is dancing a choreography that has no music to it whatsoever. It is simply an empty gesture that moves nothing and no one. I see a lot of empty choreography in the world right now, and the reasons why the music is on mute I’m sure are myriad, since I can’t say what mutes the music for anyone else, here’s what muted it for me. (I am completely verklempt right now, so taking a break)
First, let me explain the picture I chose for this post. I was just over two years old, and I was playing with my brothers and the neighbor boys and based on my expression was a bit peeved that I had to stop playing so my father could take the picture (he told me about it much later). I never cared about being proper, or getting messy, I just wanted to play…so it is this little girl who so easily danced to the music of her soul, that will help me focus through the rest of this post, so please be kind.
Dreams have always been important to me. I dream vividly and my unconscious world is a place of mysticism and magic where I encounter revelation, lessons, warnings, people I don’t know irl, and it is a sacred space for me. I had a powerful dream, in which my spirit guide handed me a black, oblong shaped rock and told me it would get me into hell. I was shocked and tried to give it back literally screaming “Why the hell would I want to go to hell?” I never did get an explanation but was shoved forward. Maybe I blocked it, or maybe I wasn’t ready to be conscious of it, but I don’t remember what happened next, until the lesson presented itself in real life.
Remember the story in the last post about the telephone pole? Well, that is only part of the story. The context was a leadership retreat I was on, where we had to do different team building activities, like obstacle courses high up in the trees and fear challenging activities like the telephone pole, etc. all to build trust in our team. Feeling proud that I had mastered them all pretty easily, I should have remembered my prayer about never becoming an asshole, because the last challenge, one that was unique to each individual helped me understand the hell dream I had. Context is important here, so let me just say that music and dance are built into my DNA. I wasn’t allowed to learn dance, but I was allowed to study classical piano which I did for 12 years. Of course, I danced anyway whenever I could, whether at clubs, classes I paid for, and even teaching dance aerobics classes. These two activities were, for me anyway, impossible to put on mute, my soul itself was on display. For piano, I developed a debilitating stage fright that made recitals and competitions almost impossible. Dance, if it was on my own terms was doable, but considering all my other pursuits, it often fell to the background and with the exception of my classes, never in front of an audience, and now structurally it is hard on my body (but I still crush it in my head). So, enter my last challenge on the retreat. (Ok, I’m taking another break and going to work out).
No one ever told me why this challenge was given to me, but with dread I accepted it and hardened myself to the increasingly common response I would have to something that terrified me…the “I’ll show you response” The challenge I was presented was a dance I had to create and present to my team to the music of a Joe Cocker song “You can keep your hat on”. I had two hours to prepare and get the necessary supplies (one being a visit to Victoria’s Secret). I kept more than my hat on, but not much. I had to decide whether to fake it or make it. I chose the latter and merged my soul with the dance I created and by the end there were plenty of responses including and not limited to the level of discomfort and lack of eye contact (everyone was in a circle around me) and a number of increased hand clasping in front of their crotches (I desperately tried to find more genteel language…but decided “fuck it” there was no delicate way to say it). I didn’t die but I didn’t feel good about it either, and I still don’t. You know why? None of them ever looked at me the same way after that, which I hated, and even upon leaving that night I heard a few of them telling Steve, who had come to pick me up and who I was just dating at the time, that he was a very lucky man. It was his look that made the whole experience worthwhile for me. He never asked why but simply looked at them with an expression of “duh, I already know that” and it suddenly dawned on me that he saw me in my entirety and no contrived dance would change that.
I couldn’t understand the challenge of my dream, until I ventured into the dark recesses of my unconscious, my own personal hell. I discovered that I could never comfortably dance my dance in the world if I thought it would have to be embraced, appreciated, or always understood by others. I left ministry as a profession forever a few months later and became a stripper (JUST KIDDING!!!!) I really did leave ministry as my profession though, and accepted Steve’s marriage proposal and moved to Wisconsin where I started a whole new path less travelled. I simply realized that the choreography imposed by church structures became incompatible to the music of my soul. I’m not speaking of black or white here, all things are on a spectrum, but as I’ve said before, if the structure of the choreography that you have chosen for whatever reason inhibits the melody of your soul, in whatever situation, be it professional or relationships, then I think it’s time to visit your own personal hell and figure out how to repair the balance. In my case any real balance seemed untenable, so I moved on.
In conclusion, what propels me in this moment is a commitment to love, to never be a clanging symbol. The world needs every melody, every movement. Our world is filled with experts in choreography, whose dance falls flat and empty. Somehow the void needs to be filled by those of us who have the courage to let our melodies sound. My dance is far from perfect, and I admit I am a lot for people to deal with. I am not an easy person period, but I truly believe that God intended me to be this way and as long as I am committed to visiting hell once in a while and make sure the music of my soul rings clear, the sound of my melody gets stronger.
Before I begin, I should have realized that doing a video would open me up to…questions? scrutiny? a bunch of crap? So a few clarifications…I do not publish comments on this site ever, because, well, I don’t want to. I find the process vainglorious and often disingenuous, at least for people I don’t know personally (to those I do know that have commented, I have read them but as a general rule I don’t publish or respond to them as a matter of course but they do make me smile). I turn off “likes” and “counters” to the best of my ability because I think they are the heroin of the internet…and because, well, I just don’t care. I never did this for adulation, validation or criticism…I started this blog to record and share my ordinary observations and just send them out in the most ordinary way possible, and it is my belief that it reaches anyone who could benefit without strings, end of story.
Second clarification…I do my own art, with my own hands, period. Never took a class EVER. The story of learning to draw and paint during COVID is 100% accurate. Why or how I never knew I could do this is a story for another time and place and I’m really, really, irritated that I felt I needed to post something unfinished just to to prove authenticity and am equally as irritated at myself for caring whether or not anybody thinks I’m a fraud, but clarity is important to me so there you have it. To get juvenile for a moment…some people are a bunch of poop heads…tantrum over.
Now to the subject at hand, which I think goes well with the snark from above. When I think of power, ultimately what defines it is the source, the means by which it is propelled or moved forward. For me, there is a distinct difference from an external power, like a wind or a weapon, and an internal power like fear or love. Of course, power like any energy is on a spectrum. There have always been ways culture has created or structured ways to protect or insulate oneself from external powers, be it weather or war, which have, throughout history, have had varied degrees of success, but that is an issue for another time. My focus today, regardless of what external powers you face in your life, is what internal power moves you, strengthens you, centers you, keeps you on solid footing even when the world is not and you face a power or force that wants to move you in a direction you don’t want to go. It is then, in those moments, where you to need to decide what kind of internal power you put your faith in. I deeply distrust or have no faith in anyone who believes that they are somehow by divine placement, popularity, or ancestry, inherently blessed with greater power than anyone else. Appearances are deceptive, from those that hold great worldly power to those that hold none, we are of the same substance. While external power may favor the few, it is the internal power of love that will strengthen the multitudes. One of my favorite New Testament verses comes from Paul’s letter to the Philippians, 4:11-13 (the last line of which you may be familiar because a lot of athletes have tattoos of this)
Not that I say this because of need, for I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient. I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need. I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.
In my lifetime, I have become measurably stronger, by heaven’s standards anyway, because I am aware of and have chosen to have faith in the God of love that moves me, stills me, strengthens me in whatever situation that comes my way, whether in need or abundance (even on the internet 😉 ). I also know in this spinning world, the determinative factor in not allowing it to spin out of control are those of us who stand in strength, regardless of where, or who we are from the lowest places to the highest sourced by the God of love who empowers us.
I know everyone experiences both love and fear, essential parts of being human. There is a difference, though, between what we experience as love or fear, and what power becomes its driving force. For example, it isn’t uncommon for a person to “love” something or someone in such a way that in fear of losing it or feeling undeserving of it that fear becomes more of a motivation than the initial experience of love. Scripture tells us that love and fear are mutually exclusive, so when fear is a stronger motivator than love, the results are never good.
Regarding the general environment of the world today, I often hear the phrase, “how did we come to this” meaning the general level of anger, bullying, violence, greed, mistrust, blaming, etc. I think its taken a long time to get here. When love and fear are so intermingled for so long, its hard to keep those corrupting forces at bay. If you’ve ever been to a Christian wedding, I’m sure you’re familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, which espouses the many qualities of love: patient, kind, not jealous, not pompous or inflated, not rude, does not seek its own interests, slow to anger, doesn’t obsess over injury, does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in truth. Importantly, love bears all things, hopes all things, and endures all things…and never fails. A powerful phrase that I never forget: “If I speak in human and angelic tongues, but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or clanging symbol:.
Seems pretty clear to me. I can’t say I love my brother or sister and behave in a way that is antithetical to any of those descriptions of love listed above. And since we are all human, its understandable to believe that no-one acts purely out of love or fear, but when the fear out weighs the love the scale tips in favor of all the vitriol we are facing today. I may not control what motivates others, but I can see how they behave, and often, even when defining what love “looks” like, whether it is love of God, another, or a country, it doesn’t take a genius to see what their primary motivation is. In truth, those angry, accusatory, and loud mouth individuals out there blaming sections of the population for all the world’s ills, are nothing but gongs and clanging symbols. There are loving ways to express anger and outrage…and that noise? It’s not love.
Jesus spoke a lot about separating the goats from the sheep (in my mind those who are motivated by fear and those by love respectively) and he speaks of what their personal motivation is: “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me” And when the righteous challenged him responding that they had never seen him in any of those situations, he said: “Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sister, you did for me.” Boom
While it may appear that I’m being swept away by alliterations, I think that this is the most apropos way to end my discussion on leadership and lies. Think for a moment, why would anyone remain loyal, pledge their fidelity to a leader who lies to them? There are many of us who have given our fealty to people who didn’t deserve it, whether it is due to ignorance, willful or not, fear of violence, retribution or loss, perpetuating an environment that supports our own personal illusions, or because stepping away they would lose any advantage they believe they might have as a result of an association with them. I completely understand there are a myriad of reasons why people do what they do, but this isn’t about that, this is about not wanting to remain loyal to a liar. If you don’t care, move on…but if you want to grow and evolve, it would seem to make sense that any loyalties you have should grow and evolve too. This is about analyzing and letting go of loyalties that are just not good for you anymore…and while it should go without saying, the first step is to recognize and acknowledge when you are being lied to.
While I can’t comment on anyone else’s reasons for choosing who to be loyal to, I can tell you the reasons I choose. I remember a long time ago when discussing codependency, I was challenged to look into those relationships that had, but did not deserve my loyalty. Initially, standing on my “strong woman” platform my gut reaction was that that my circle was not huge and that everyone in it was already worthy of my loyalty and I theirs. I thought it would be an easy task and like many of my initial conclusions, I was so wrong. Instead of seeing who certain people really were, I saw them as who I needed them, or wanted them to be much of the time. Without going into detail, I had to decide what criteria was necessary for me to choose who to be loyal to, and secondly, based on that criteria, did the people already in my circle deserve it. And finally, was I deserving of their loyalty too, it is a two-way street after all.
My first criteria is the foundation for any and all of my deep connections I have in my life, any loyalty has to be founded in truth. Liars, carnival barkers and gas lighters need not apply. I had to evaluate whether my associations worked to my detriment or to my sustenance and growth. Did I like who I was as a result of this association, did it bring out or stifle my potential, or did it bring out my better angels and in turn, did I bring out the best in that association as well. It was and still continues to be a long and harrowing journey, because some of the constructs and people I held onto for dear life, began to dissolve before my very eyes when they didn’t hold truth anymore, and the road ahead became more ambiguous and challenging without those comforting landmarks that no longer gave me confidence and hope. I have learned that while life’s journey is filled with many people, most moving beautifully in and then out of ours lives, more often than not our personal journey is a solitary one. And after awhile, I felt comfortable seeing my sojourns as solitary ones, even in the presence, direction and companionship of any leader I choose to follow along the way. Ultimately, where I end up at the end of my life is on me. I feel as if I can see, hear, feel and understand God much better once I stopped trying to see, hear and feel God through someone else’s construct. I think that is why I have such a visceral reaction to those lying liars who lie. Loyalty to these types of leaders is inviolate, never to be questioned or challenged, and more times than not is not reciprocal.
My second criteria is responsibility. Any leader who blames everyone else for their problems, or scapegoats other groups when they get caught up in a lie, making a mistake, or acting in a way that is contrary to what they say they believe, is unworthy of my loyalty. Leaders, regardless of their effectiveness make mistakes…period. If they admit them, take responsibility for them, and learn from them, it is a sure sign that they may indeed deserve my loyalty. The phrase “the buck stops here” has so much more meaning to me now, given the state of blamers out there. I am firmly of the “those who have not sinned throw the first stone” kind of attitude when it comes to responsibility. When a leader understands that they are not infallible, I think they work harder to get it right.
My third criteria is courage. It takes courage to stand in the forefront, share your vision and ask people to follow you even when you may make mistakes, even when you tell them the road may be hard, and there will be challenges and sacrifices along the way but that a renewed commitment to those fundamental building blocks, and axioms that hold us together as a group will set our path toward success. It takes courage to say that one leader doesn’t have all the answers and that we all need to work together and use our individaul gifts collectively. It also takes courage to make choices that help foster unity and not divisiveness, regardless of how hard it is. As the apostle Paul said so eloquently:
But as it is, there are many parts, yet one body.
The eye cannot say to the hand, “I do not need you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I do not need you.”
Indeed, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are all the more necessary,
and those parts of the body that we consider less honorable we surround with greater honor, and our less presentable parts are treated with greater propriety,
whereas our more presentable parts do not need this. But God has so constructed the body as to give greater honor to a part that is without it,
so that there may be no division in the body, but that the parts may have the same concern for one another.
If (one) part suffers, all the parts suffer with it; if one part is honored, all the parts share its joy.
1Corinthians 12:20-26
So all of you leaders out there who have deemed me as inconsequential and unnecessary, or anyone else who you blame for the word’s ills because you are too cowardly to take responsibility for your own actions…you will never have loyalty from me.
I know there are plenty of people, roughly more than half the country who are joyful and relieved at the outcome of the election, and roughly less than half who are not. So, I am thinking of the consequences of the kind of joy that Jesus spoke of in the gospel of John 15: 9-12:
As the Father loves me, so I also love you. Remain in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.
So this is a caution for all of us out there who claim to be people of faith, to keep Jesus’ words at heart. If you claim to be a Christian, and still cling to the belief that anyone who is not on your side isn’t worthy of Christ’s love, you have slipped too far into delusion and I wash my hands of you, just like Jesus instructed his disciples when they came up against those who would not listen and would treat them with ill will in Matthew 10:7:
Whoever will not receive you or listen to your words – go outside that house or town and shake the dust from your feet.
So for the rest of us, who really want to work toward unity and reflect what this country is founded on, this is for us. We are divided, that is true. But also true? Division will always exist with diversity and a nation built on the idea that all people are created equal and deserve an equal shot at life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I don’t claim to know what that will look like, but I do know that the anger, the conspiracy theories and the misinformation vilifying the party who won (and it isn’t Mr Trump’s party)isn’t working toward that goal . Our American world has thrived under administrations of both parties. It will continue to thrive if we keep our eye on the prize: A more perfect union, based on the structure that has maintained us for over two hundred years.
I am a democrat, fiscally conservative and socially liberal. If you really know me, you know I’m not evil, naive, misinformed about legitimate news sources or an idiot. So there goes your theory that I am part of a Satanic movement. I would say that Q-anon stuff is silly, but it is just too dangerous given the amount of people who are buying into it…and it is them that I am kicking the dust from my feet because obviously you have not understood the teachings of Jesus regarding, well, just about everything. You can hide behind all the traditional structures and denominations you want, but if you are not loving everyone, even the least among you like Jesus…you are the one suffering a morality crisis, not me.
I also caution those who are emboldened by Biden’s win. Our job now, is to be the party that leads, and not leave people behind or stop listening to people because we hate what they say. Yes, I will disregard those who work toward violence, anarchy and impede our evolution. But as some of greatest leaders have taught us, there is a way to lead that builds up the body, and gives regard to all parts of it. We have a government that is by the people and for the people for a reason, and we need to strengthen its infrastructure so that no one has the power to over ride the will of the people and its laws ever again. We can no longer be naive and think that once someone is in high office that tradition of honesty and integrity will prevail. There must be consequences when that doesn’t happen.
So I am cautiously joyful, and praying for consequences for those who choose not to remain in love, whether it be how you treat your neighbor or interpret God. Because if you continue to read the Gospel we know what happens then too.
What more can I say, except what I’ve said most of the year…a year of joy is proving to be more challenging than I ever expected. I have, lately, been ruminating though, on the idea that it is indeed darkest before the dawn. I think of all the literature that I’ve read, as well as scripture, that the darkness, in desperation, works incessantly to cloud, impede, circumvent and appropriate all the progression that light, love and the building of the kingdom lays forth. For me it has truly become a observational moment, where the goats are separated from the sheep, and the quality of our character determines whether we embrace falsehood and fear, or truth and love. It has all become so clear. It is my hope, then, that the one God who made us and saved us all, who is truth and love will prevail. It is also more clear than ever that if we are going to continue on a road of truth and love that we can’t do it alone. We must join together, every last one of us, all with unique and essential gifts and parts to play in the continuing drama of our country and world’s evolution. When we act, ripples outward are created. Will they perpetuate darkness or light?
I’ve also been ruminating about the warnings of the New Testament to beware against wolves in sheep’s clothing. There are so many sparkly people who claim to be leaders of the future, who shroud themselves in flags and national rhetoric as the savior of the people. I heed this caution and shred through the illusions and watch instead their behavior and the results that come from those choices. If your words spew hate and fear it is glaringly obvious that you don’t represent the evolving future of our country. Going backwards is not evolution. Limiting the perimeters of who qualifies as worthy of liberty and justice isn’t evolution…it is the exact opposite. Investing time and energy into unfounded and conspiratorial filth completely cuts off ones ability to embrace the talents God has given an individual to bear their own good fruit. I see instead people walking around with hatchets destroying the fruits others have been laboring to build all on shaky unsubstantiated rumor. I am stunned and amazed at how easily some are swayed to believe these rumors and pass them around as truth, taking absolutely no effort to check their veracity. I think to the gospel story of the woman caught in adultery and the challenge Jesus issued to those who would stone her, “let you among you who has not sinned throw the first stone” At least in that situation, the crowd had the ability to be humbled and walk away. In today’s environment? I feel no joy in knowing that some are so entrenched in their righteousness that they would not only throw stones, but would light her on fire, and then demand that Jesus thank them for it.
I am humble enough to admit that it has taken often herculean efforts to wake up, commit to truth, wielding love and expanding the talents God has given me to bear fruit and evolve this world. I too often take personally the vitriol and judgement projected through social media and common interactions (even if it is the hatred that is spewed over the simple wearing of a mask). I find I hold my breath…a lot. It saddens me at how miserly people are with how we are facing such a crisis in our present day. So much discussion about who deserves what, always watching their own backs and pocket books. This, clearly, is amplified for people of faith. When Jesus tells the people that it is harder for a rich person to enter the gates of heaven than a camel to go through the eye of a needle, he understood the hold that wealth can bring, with out it we would have to have faith in our gifts and God to provide what we need, and as the multiplication of the loaves and fishes shows us, we truly could always have enough to share.
So to end this rambling, I have walked the way of the sheep…as prescribed by Jesus: to treat the least among me as I would Christ, to tend my gifts and bring forth fruit and pray for those on the same journey, as children of the light, truth and love that we may overcome the darkness and the fear, the lies and the judgment and celebrate the joy in this simple axiom: “Anything you ask of me in goodness shall be given to you” The focus should be on the word “goodness”, and not “given”. The Gospels have always laid a clear path on how to behave, and not what to look like, or words to say. Remember that next time someone sparkly speaks
I wanted to start with sorrow, because it is the most prevalent emotion I feel everyday…but that isn’t the focus of my year, its joy. So I think that in this shit show of a world right now, where the condemnatory gifs and memes that condemn the year 2020, I am choosing to live in the “darkest before the dawn” sentiment and imagine that this is exactly the kind of year that will lead us to deeper and greater joy.
Perhaps the joy lies in not taking things for granted, like societal connections both strained and limited by a disease and challenged to transform because the horrific death of George Floyd. The greatest joy would lie in the belief that we really are all in this together. As Jesus says:
God has so constructed the body as to give greater honor to a part that is without it, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the parts may have the same concern for one another. If (one) part suffers, all the parts suffer with it; if one part is honored, all the parts share its joy.
Perhaps the joy comes when people of all colors and backgrounds unify and walk the streets peacefully claiming that black lives do, indeed, matter and that we need to have difficult and necessary conversations about securing the safety and welfare of all our citizens.
Perhaps the joy comes when there is a renewed effort to practice kindness…even when that kindness isn’t returned, because people don’t always act appropriately when they are overwhelmed and afraid.
Perhaps joy comes with realizing that the pandemic and racial violence also offers the opportunity to rebuild what was burned down, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, heal the sick, and visit the lonely especially those in prison.
Perhaps joy comes when empathy and compassion circumvent the need to demand perfection first. All of us are flawed and fallible at any given point in our lives…we should all be worthy, just like the good Samaritan deemed the thief worthy.
Perhaps joy comes with using your voice to ring out truths that are deemed inalienable by the founders of this great country, and continue their work to be our best selves by exercising one of our single greatest powers, the power to vote.
Perhaps joy comes with the freedom to wield our faith with impunity regardless of those who try to proclaim the belief that we cannot. There is no structure big enough, no limitation strict enough to keep us from engaging in grace and loving as Jesus commanded us to: To love your God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself. Structures and services are not the priority, the loving part is. The rest is just subterfuge perpetuated by fear mongers. For scripture also says:
If anyone says, “I love God,” but hates their brother or sister, they are a liar; for whoever does not love a brother or sister whom they have seen cannot love God 5 whom they have not seen. This is the commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love their brother or sister.
And lastly, perhaps, joy comes from having eyes to see and ears to hear the necessary truths shared by all our brothers and sisters that will set us on the road to building a better future. We are all creations of God with unique and singular gifts. To think that we can accomplish any greatness on our own…is folly and contrary to what makes humanity great.
This post was originally titled something else. I tried to live within the theme of joy, but given the current situation in our country and world, the message seemed inappropriate, because truthfully,…it felt trite, disingenuous, disrespectful, entitled, and simply unfair to be talking about joy right now. So, if you would indulge a bit of diversion this is my “not joy” insight. If joy is feelings of great pleasure, happiness and contentment, then we should all take a quick hiatus for a moment. There are times when given the gravity of the violence happening in my home town, when a discussion of joy is reserved for a later date. There may be a time to talk of joy amidst crisis, but that moment is not now.
I have only one single perspective. If I stand alone and demand that the only value is in what I see, and hear and dismiss any other vantage point because it is contrary or different than my perspective then it is antithetical to my personal evolution and contrary to my faith. If I try to move around to see things from different angles and ask for and listen to the perspective of those who may see things vastly different than I do, I think that not only helps me evolve and fulfills what Jesus requires of us, but is the only necessary place from which good solutions are to follow. I think its essential to take a moment and walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Looking at things from a variety of perspectives, asking and listening to others doesn’t mean that I have to buy in to any one perspective, but it is required if we are to love our neighbor as ourselves, and love the least among us as if they were Christ. What seeing from a variety of perspectives does for me is to create a sense of empathy, understanding and a greater truth beyond my own limited perspective. Then I get to re clarify and move beyond my limitations.
We have some difficult steps to take now and into the future. It can’t happen without a dialogue, one that is sure to be charged with emotions and opinions. But, if we truly want to get beyond this crisis of the pandemic, racial inequity and the resulting violence and bring together the people of this country, then confronting the uncomfortable and learning to address these problems with civility and respect is a necessary requirement. Before any of us stand in polarity for or against any issue, remember these words that Jesus spoke:
I tell you, on the day of judgment people will render an account for every careless word they speak. By your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.
There will be a variety of perspectives on all the worlds ills in the weeks to come, especially before our elections…let reason, love, truth and the golden rule of treating others as we would treat ourselves reign. I won’t tolerate bullying, but I am open for dialogue. I am praying all the time, for us all.
Suddenly the air is gone, lungs burn, the automatic function of living is momentarily halted because of an unthinkable tragedy…we have to breathe and we can’t, the shock of it halts the involuntary exercise of bringing air in and exhaling it out, it seems impossible, painful and exhausting. The heart stops and then begins to pound as the adrenaline and panic kick in. There is an unconscious will that supersedes the painful blow and we suck in air and as the pain spreads air is forced back out, and brought in again. Your thoughts go straight to no, no, no, this can’t be happening, this can’t be right, there must be a mistake. Lives so vibrant can’t be gone…life doesn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t work this way. The sadness is enveloping, overpowering and paralyzing.
There is no correct script for handling death…and there are no feelings that are off limits. The path that the immediate family walks is obliterated and altered to the road never wanted to be traveled, ever. But it is the love that fills in the cracks of all who are shattered by the simple gestures of loved ones: hugs, stories, prayers, and food that will help hold them up for whatever is to follow. The love is what will augment and keep resilient the shattered and brokenness of the present moments. It is the love that is the strength of this small community and the connections that are depicted in scripture when the apostle Paul talks about the body of Christ being many different parts holding on together each with different jobs to do to keep the body living and breathing together, in love. This body becomes a sanctuary that protects these moments of intimacy, and makes breathing, in and out become less stressful when it is done together. Being cherished and loved will make the new road traveled less lonely. It is impressive thing to witness for this big city girl.
There is much comfort that lives in this place, even amidst the pain. Kindness and generosity flow in waves over this community who have pulled together more than once to celebrate the ripple effect these two young men and others have brought into the world. It is a reminder to all of us to remain on our best behavior and place the pettiness that often overwhelms us aside and remember who we really are. The presence of these beautiful young men must continue to be reflected in our daily lives. Their ripples that flow outward into the world are now our responsibility. We now breathe for them and for all those who loved them.
So what a year it has been. Training to wield love amidst, (I was going to say something more delicate but sadly the truth can’t be couched) SO MUCH SHIT is probably the most brutally effective and yet demonstrably most uncomfortable way possible. And yet now that I am at the end of this year of learning to wield love I’m not quite sure how adept that I have become. What I have learned is to strip down what love is not. It isn’t contingent on anything, it isn’t rigidly defined, it isn’t earned, it is not limited to religion, or what is culturally appropriate. It is not self contained or controlling, it is not present because of the use of the word…it is present because of the substance of the energy that it is. I know that last bit may be confusing, but the most important lesson I’ve learned this year? I have learned that most people don’t have a fucking clue what love is especially amidst the pain, struggle and challenges that most of us face in our lives everyday. The very power we should turn to to manage the struggle is circumvented by anger, hate and blame, sometimes couched in the very name of love that we are supposed to seek. That kind of love, the righteous, judgmental and fire and brimstone kind has nothing at all to do with the true nature of love. The love I’ve embraced, been overwhelmed by and grieved by the loss of, is made so much more clear by the darkness that has surrounded me…because then the love and its light is so much brighter.
And yet my greatest weakness in my training has been to curb the desire I have to rage against the unmitigated bullshit that people give to justify hate, lies, bias and racism, sexism, greed and so much more. I have had to revisit all the many things I’ve learned over that last five years to refocus all the emotions that come with movement in this world that is the antithesis of all the gospel preaches and just move forward with purpose, clarity. truth and love and find ways to embrace all that my faith teaches me, regardless of what I receive in return. Most of the time, in the moment, I think I’ve failed miserably this year. But now as I look back over the year, I do see progress. I have learned to set boundaries, demand as much from others as I am willing to give them, and love in the way that brings my heart joy, instead of someone else telling me how I should do it. I’ve learned to respond to hatred with kindness and expanded my prayers to include those that are not kind-hearted.
But the most important thing that I learned this year? I am certain that scripture’s words are my heart’s words also when it comes to defining love. It is patient, and kind, slow to anger and doesn’t celebrate fault, it is deliberate and the opposite of fear, it is omniscient and omnipresent, it is the source of everything and NEVER used in judgement or to punish. It never fails…and as long it is the source of my heart, neither will I. I also learned that I will wield love in any instant that threatens any person, place or thing that stands in opposition to it. That is powerful, and frightening and beautiful.
