Power on a Higher Plane

Here is a beautiful picture of a hummingbird in my back yard, curiously I chose it to represent my power. I’ve been thinking a lot about power these days as I move into my future with freedom of movement. I am reminded of an old post I wrote about power and where I stand in the midst of it…I knew the power of the observer, from a quantum level and I wondered the part God had to play in our visible observations. Like most, I wondered, is God a particle or a wave? Particles exist in a defined space, while waves spread out over a region and can’t be pinned down. At this point in time, like light, I believe God is both a fixed point and spread out over our universe. I like to believe that we humans are the fixed point where God chooses to reside, for those who embrace the power of love, and our actions and intentions spread out creating ripples, trajectories of power. I want to stress again, the incredible power an observer has in shaping what a life journey will look like. We must be active and willing participants in what takes shape in our world amidst the good and the bad. How we engage with the world has an impact on it and the beliefs we have about it do too.

The words of scripture have shaped much of who I am as an observer, my outlook on the world and how I behave in it. I would like to believe that the power of the Word, as John speaks of it in the beginning of that gospel: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God”, guides my every movement, and yet being human I know I have succumbed to becoming deaf to it when the voices of fear, hate, judgement and sadness seemed just too loud. The tether God has to me, though, by my personal belief, choices, and experience, brings me back eventually. While my circle may be small, I still take my influence in it very seriously…as we all should in our own circles. I know that my small ripple when combined with others does impact our world. As an observer, I want the fruits’ of my labor to build trust, love, faith, hope and ease fear, pain, anger and sadness and move our evolution forward toward a greater cosmic love. I want my power to come from the gift Jesus left me through his death and resurrection, his grace and presence in all of our lives and not in the traditional structures of power built around him that limit human ability to live according to their own blueprint and instead live according to someone else’s truths. I’m not saying all traditional structures are like that…I don’t propose anarchy, just those who proclaim to have power when they don’t or claim to act in love when, by their behaviors reflect the opposite. Remember the Saviors last command…that they will know we are disciples by how we love one another and ourselves.

There is a particular exchange about power that I have been fixated on, in involves an exchange Jesus has with Pontius Pilate before he is crucified:

So Pilate went back into the praetorium and summoned Jesus and said to him, “Are you the King of the Jews?” Jesus answered, “Do you say this on your own or have others told you about me?” Pilate answered, “I am not a Jew, am I? Your own nation and the chief priests handed you over to me. What have you done?” Jesus answered, “My kingdom does not belong to this world. If my kingdom did belong to this world, my attendants (would) be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not here.” So Pilate said to him, “Then you are a king?” Jesus answered, “You say I am a king. For this I was born and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice. “Pilate said to him, “What is truth?” When he had said this, he again went out to the Jews and said to them, “I find no guilt in him. But you have a custom that I release one prisoner to you at Passover. Do you want me to release to you the King of the Jews?” They cried out again, “Not this one but Barabbas!” ‘Now Barabbas was a revolutionary. Then Pilate took Jesus and had him scourged. And the soldiers wove a crown out of thorns and placed it on his head, and clothed him in a purple cloak, and they came to him and said, “Hail, King of the Jews!” And they struck him repeatedly. Once more Pilate went out and said to them, “Look, I am bringing him out to you, so that you may know that I find no guilt in him.” So Jesus came out, wearing the crown of thorns and the purple cloak. And he said to them, “Behold, the man!” When the chief priests and the guards saw him they cried out, “Crucify him, crucify him!” Pilate said to them, “Take him yourselves and crucify him. I find no guilt in him.” The Jews answered, “We have a law, and according to that law he ought to die, because he made himself the Son of God.” and when Pilate heard this statement, he became even more afraid and went back into the praetorium and said to Jesus, “Where are you from?” Jesus did not answer him So Pilate said to him, “Do you not speak to me? Do you not know that I have power to release you and I have power to crucify you?” Jesus answered (him), “You would have no power over me if it had not been given to you from above. For this reason the one who handed me over to you has the greater sin.” Consequently, Pilate tried to release him; but the Jews cried out, “If you release him, you are not a Friend of Caesar. Everyone who makes himself a king opposes Caesar.” When Pilate heard these words he brought Jesus out and seated him on the judge’s bench in the place called Stone Pavement, in Hebrew, Gabbatha. It was preparation day for Passover, and it was about noon. And he said to the Jews, “Behold, your king! They cried out, “Take him away, take him away! Crucify him!” Pilate said to them, “Shall I crucify your king?” The chief priests answered, “We have no king but Caesar.” Then he handed him over to them to be crucified. 

So, in the middle of last night, I called upon the Savior and we had this exchange as we walked in my favorite place;

I’ve been thinking a lot about power these days as my movement is freed up, both in the physical and spiritual world…

I can see that, congrats! His smile so happy and encouraging.

Tell me about those moments with Pontius Pilate…

He sighed and said in a calm manner, I actually felt a bit sorry for him.

Why, I asked, surprised.

Because he seemed to believe that he had a power that was never his to begin with. It is the greatest hubris to think because your power rests in worldly structures that you have the right, or ability to determine what would happen to the path God laid before me and I embraced, and then somehow believed he could stop it from happening. Once I accepted my Father’s will in the garden, when I saw all the faces and beautiful blueprints of those who would benefit from my sacrifice, the power was in God’s hands alone and I stood strong and stoically in that power, even knowing what was to come. Pilate knew it and it made him afraid.

What happened to him? I asked

I will tell you this…his life ended in exile and death…completely powerless. But do not rest in revenge…it is just an example of reaping what you have sown…

So how do I navigate worldly power, even if it is illusory, it can impact how I walk in the world…

Remember one of our earlier conversations… just because someone says they have power over you doesn’t make it true, just as someone telling you that the actions they are taking are rooted in love just because they declare it to be so or using my name as the authority to do so. Look to all I have taught you and let that be your guide, and know that the only true and real power resides in God, in love…while you may be in the world, do not be of the world. Show the world your actions where the true source of your power comes from. You have given your life over to this journey, and understand that you have everything you need to bring the fruits of you labors of love to the world. While worldly power can and does influence your path, giving you opportunities to share your gifts, when you embrace the gift of my grace, my power becomes your power, my heart augments your heart. Also remember the plans I have for you are not for worry or woe, but for love and prosperity. You must, though, release control and let me, let love, lead the way. I have your back…and that is how you honor my sacrifice. It is the effort that you put into your journey now, that will reap the greatest benefits. There will be no shortcuts, but you’ve been preparing for this most of your life, and I will always be present to pave the way for all good things to be possible. The source of your blueprint is God alone and your expression of it resides in God alone.

Would it make you mad if I told you that I am a bit terrified? I said, cautiously. I have no idea what to say to people most of the time…it always comes across a bit awkward. Plus I have no idea how to present my art to the world…

He laughed and said, Let me remind you of the words you love from the book that so touched your heart: words are often the source of misunderstanding…it is with the heart that one sees rightly. I have placed people on your path who will provide loving sustenance, just as I have put you on other’s paths to do the same. You are not alone on this journey, you are part of the Body of Christ that is actively building in the external world the Kingdom of Heaven that resides within all you. Embrace that, embrace those you have tamed and have tamed you, and joyfully move forward into the kind of happiness that Teilhard so wisely talks about. There will be always be people who desire to rule over others, and they generally choose those who feel powerless to begin with.  Feeling powerless opens the door to being seduced by someone with illusory power who will promise you anything in exchange for a part of your soul. However, when you know where your true source of power comes from, you will attract those who will empower you and also be empowered by you. Take all you have learned on this journey and apply it to every situation, those lessons are a part of you now. Move with love into your future and like I have promised you everything you pray for in goodness shall be given to you, and remember what I said about worry…it won’t add a minute to your life, you only need the faith of a mustard seed.

We embraced and I finally went to sleep

To conclude…I have never cared much for worldly power structures, especially as a mechanism to express my blueprint…but others do, and that may create an obstacle or two. But I am clear on this…I will stand firm in the power of Love to move me forward, as well as embrace those, who in partnership, are aligned with me to bring the Kingdom within to the outside world…you are loved by me and an omniscient God, that will never change and you will never be alone.

The Kingdom of Heaven on Higher Plane

When I was studying theology, there was a notable controversy among scholars on the meaning of the Greek words: entos hymōn when Jesus was referencing the Kingdom of God. Some translations interpret the words to mean, “within the circle, or among” meaning a direct challenge to the Pharisees, that Jesus himself represented the Kingdom of Heaven, that he was there among them, although they refused to see him as such. The other translations interpret these words as “within” you, meaning an internal spiritual reality that exists in one’s heart. While I was trained to understand the former meaning…I also believe after the efficacious death and resurrection of Christ in our physical history, for those who embrace his Grace through his death and resurrection, means that now the Kingdom of Heaven actually does reside within us. So at this point in time, the argument among scholars is mute because for those who choose, Jesus’ presence does lie within each and every one of us now. What that means for every individual, I believe, is different depending on the blueprint and path each of us were meant to fulfill. This corresponds with what Teilhard explains as the work of evolution, the Kingdom that is actively present, being built moment by moment in everyday human labor, moral striving and love and affection for each other. It is Love that is the unifying energy that draws human minds and hearts together…which also aligns with what Paul says in Corinthians, that we are all parts of the Body of Christ. The expansion of the Kingdom of Heaven relies on, especially on a higher plane, embracing others who are our equals in genuine relationships dedicated to the ever evolving power or love.

I think this is the reason that I focus so deeply on treating every person as if they were of consequence. Two of Jesus most famous metaphors, the reality of the Kingdom of God within and the parable of hiding the lamp under a bushel basket become a powerful directive to how it will be manifested in the world, and specifically, on a higher plane. Jesus says this in Luke 11:33

No one who lights a lamp hides it away or places it (under a bushel basket), but on a lampstand so that those who enter might see the light. The lamp of the body is your eye. When your eye is sound, then your whole body is filled with light, but when it is bad, then your body is in darkness. Take care, then, that the light in you not become darkness. If your whole body is full of light, and no part of it is in darkness, then it will be as full of light as a lamp illuminating you with its brightness.

So that is the challenge, right? How do we keep the lamp of our body full of light? It is a continuous journey demanding faith in who we are as a beautiful blueprints of God, and our ability to project its light into the world. Notably, it won’t be through our words, because the light is in our very soul, our very being…and it also reminds me of one of my favorite passages in “The Little Prince”: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye…it is the time you have wasted for your rose which makes her so important, you become responsible forever for what you tame. To me, that means that our eyes never lie…the heart speaks invisibly through who we are and not just what we do and say and how we hold those relationships, those we have tamed, in deep care that exemplifies the deep emotional fulfillment kind of happiness that Teilhard talks about. So hiding oneself in the face of an uncompromising set of circumstances or culture, treating the Kingdom as if it were a solely private or internal feeling, or finally, allowing worldly anxieties or material pursuits to overwhelm us can and will smother the light and pull it into darkness.

The last couple of days, have been transformative and deeply encouraging. I am not alone, none of us are, and for those whom I have tamed, and have tamed me, let us be safe havens for each other and let our light shine into the world and dispel the darkness. Love is our catalyst and our guide, and I offer my augmented heart with his heart to a greater transcendent whole. Let the adventures begin!

Timing on a Higher Plane

Here is the next half hour…it doesn’t look much better, yet.

Do you ever feel that if only you had received the necessary information at the time you could have saved yourself a lot of emotional angst and struggle? That describes my feeling in the moment…and yet I completely understand that if that said information would have been laid out for me in a complete picture diorama at the time, I wouldn’t see things the same way as I do now…which is a good thing, I’ve decided. It appears, that I missed plenty of signs, validation, glaringly obvious messages leaving me feeling pretty dense for someone who claims to be a pretty acute observer in the world. In the moment, I felt a bit foolish and embarrassed, until I realized that God’s/love’s timing is definitely not my timing. So, I am choosing to believe that my delayed awareness was intentional, to give me time to get out of my own way, out of my own head and not run for the hills in complete panic. It was a particularly unexpected lesson in letting go of control, asking for help and clarification and then allowing God/love, to help me see what I was missing. When I let go of control, (and I am not saying become a puppet) because I had clearly hit a wall and was stuck in the stalemate of my mind…I focused on all I have learned recently, and the past I’ve let go of, and focused on everything that love promises, and suddenly, the blockades came down, and the path ahead suddenly seems clearer, which, I guess, carries its own set of problems…namely there are no more excuses, its time to start moving and let go of the worry that some how I will fuck this up…which, at this juncture is pretty much impossible…the new information sealed the deal for me. I just need to adjust the rhythm of my life now and move according to a different timing, which isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Having the freedom of movement is wonderful…but new choreography, especially when you’re not the only one dancing, still takes practice.

I also read what Jesus says about worry:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat (or drink), or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil

Today, I am a bird, a flower in a grassy field in all its splendor…I have all I need.

Quiet Bravery and Happiness on a Higher Plane

As you know by now, just when I think I understand where this journey is going, I don’t…end of story. Every time I started to work on the concept of happiness on a higher plane the words bravery kept coming to mind…like in an irritating “pay attention” kind of way, and the more I avoided it, the louder it became. So I spent some time talking about it with another, and doing some study. It turns out bravery is a necessity for the achieving the kind of happiness found on a higher plane, and I was definitely found wanting.

For context, when I had my paintings up at the Public Library on display, more that one person commented that I didn’t have any older people, so I chose a climber from a wonderful photographer I follow on social media and blended two photos together for the piece I am creating. While I always raise the bar for each piece, I have to admit this one is really a difficult one to draw (and paint, there are mountains on the other side of the face that will be watercolor).What you see is the first 20 minutes of sketching and it looks pretty much like crap, the hair on this one will kill me. I’m showing you this for a couple of reasons, the first being that it takes a certain amount of bravery to begin a work and to take it to another place, and there are many times, like most endeavors, when even embracing the bravery to continue, there is no guarantee the outcome will work out. Giving up and starting over is always a real possibility (one I’ve had to face more than once…failure is a good learning tool after all) There is a point, though, when I begin to see the other side and I am excited to finish, the bravery was worth it. The second reason I’m showing you this, is to highlight the bravery that is necessary when it is done and I have to put it out into the world (to which I’ve admitted plenty of times I hate). I had a dream last night, where I ran into both the subject and the photographer, and walked unhindered right up to them in a friendly manner and told them what I had accomplished, and wanted to show them. The looks I received from both, were initially surprising and very much a who the hell are you and why are you talking to me moment, then both turned away as if I were the most inconsequential (and perhaps strange) person in the world. I’m throwing no shame on these two men, but I think my dream was reminding me that in the physical world there is a hierarchy of people’s worth and worldly significance based on a whole set of cultural factors…(which I normally disregard and in this instance I, in particular, rested simply on the fact that I am a not a serial killer but a good person, and I am a very talented artist). Objectively, in the dream, I walked away muttering to myself that the reaction they gave me was completely obvious and expected, I should have known better. The bravery to create a thing, and the bravery to put it out into the world for affect are not the same thing, especially in a world that does not see all people as if they all were of equal consequence. This is not a feel sorry for me moment, because I don’t, rather, it is simply an acknowledgement of how differently I approach the world than other people do. But I was still confused about the bravery angle, so I went back and studied a bit.

There is the archetypal kind of bravery that mythologist Joseph Campbell speaks about, that is all about the call to adventure where a hero’s journey is doing extraordinary things more like a super hero, like standing up to corruption or a bully, confronting physical dangers for a greater cause etc. And then, there is the more quiet bravery, the kind that doesn’t depend on adventure but is an invisible kind of anchor, a journey of endurance that may never be visible to the public, but demands a slower, more methodical approach to saving the day. I think Jesus, while showing plenty of the traditional “hero” qualities spent much more of his ministry highlighting the latter, emphasizing the more quiet version of bravery, and this is the one that I find most difficult.

When Teilhard argued that happiness is found in growth and progress and giving oneself over to a purpose larger than the individual, rather than static tranquility, comfort, or avoidance of risk, or hoarding possessions or seeking the kind of control offered by the world, there is an inherent expectation that a certain amount of “bravery” will be necessary to override the world’s offerings of happiness to do so, because true happiness will not be found there. Jesus calls us to be “in” the world, but not “of” the world. As defined in the dictionary, happiness is a state of well being and contentment characterized by joy, satisfaction and sense of fulfillment. There are the short term kinds, like good food or a fun trip, and there are the long term kinds that give one deep emotional fulfillment. From my standpoint, it is the latter that I focus on for happiness on a higher plane and also the one that often makes me want to hide in a closet. Here are Teilhard’s three pillars again:

  1. The inner unification of self
  2. The union of our being with others who are our equals through genuine relationship
  3. The subordination of our individual life to a greater transcendent whole, the collective evolution of the universe

I want to focus on the first two. The first, unification of self, is the journey of self discovery and evolution of our personal blueprints, as it were. I’ve been working on this for a long time, and if I’m honest, it has taken a lot of bravery to do so, and I am pretty proud of how far I’ve come (and yes, I know I have a ways to go). I am blessed to know and send love to those who are also on this journey of discovering self. It is the second, the union of others who are our equals through genuine relationship that has me a bit frozen. Establishing genuine relationships, not just secretly in the heart has always been a terrifying proposition for me, and while I do feel equal and of consequence to unite with others, the world does not necessarily see me, or others that way. That dreadful hierarchy of “who’s who” needs to be broken down if we are to get to Teilhard’s third pillar…and I know that I, or any of us can’t get there without the love that creates genuine relationships in this physical world. The only way I know how to do that, is following the path of love laid down by Jesus. It’s all a bit terrifying…but I promise you, I will be quietly brave, with whatever comes my way.

Drive

I. Love. To. Drive. I always have, especially since being the third of Irish triplets in my family (which means being born in quick succession often less than a year between siblings) meant I couldn’t get my license until I was 18 because of the cost of insurance (both my brothers also had “incidents”). When I finally got that picture ID in hand as proof to the world I had reached a whole new level of independence, I felt such incredible joy and freedom. And while I am a rule follower, there is nothing like a long road trip along a freeway going fast with the music blasting in the background. Anyway, yesterday was my post-op appointment. It went great, and the best part was being told I could drive again (since it is my left hip and I am not taking opioids). I felt a similar joy in the moment that I got my license the first time…the freedom to move on my own, especially in accordance to my own rhythm and schedule again. That autonomy is such a simple pleasure, one I was a bit surprised at how much I had already missed (I know its also only been 10 days). The idea of “drive” also brought to mind a whole host of other things. What are all the many things that will drive me now with my new freedom of movement on this higher plane? While it’s true, I have all sorts of ideas and possibilities floating around in my head on “where” this drive will take me, which is exciting, BUT per usual on this journey…I was also presented with the question of “what” will drive me too…and it was more than humbling.

Yesterday after my post-op appointment an embarrassing thing happened. Once the bandage was removed, my new scar was visible along with the deep bruising of the surgeon’s fingers along my hip, and well, other places and I found it deeply shocking. Now of course I am aware the amount of force that is necessary when they shove the spike of the new hip into my femur, but it is quite another thing to see the proof of it…it was quite disconcerting and in that exact moment, the horror on my face in the mirror was proof I also thought it was quite ugly as well. My normally small hip and thigh looked monstrous. While I don’t consider myself to be a vain person, that visceral reaction at what my body went through and then actually recoiling at the sight of it in the mirror, shocked me a bit. Moreover, it kicked my joy to the sideline. I felt so sad that I didn’t rise above it in the moment. How stupid is that? Crap, am I really that conventional? Logically, I know it is temporary, because you can barely see the scar from the other hip now…but in the moment it was quite humbling and revelatory that I am still driven by simple externals and world definitions too. To add insult to injury I also got a bit of a reaction/dermatitis to the anti-inflammatories I’m taking so my neck is bright red and on fire…thank God for aloe.

Having the ability to “drive” oneself is such a freedom, but it is also important to check once in awhile all those vanities that subliminally influence where and how we drive forward too. Sometimes the most simple reaction brings the greatest epiphany. The picture below while still disheveled, includes a bit of vanity too, red neck and all.

I also promise that next post I will be back on track to living on a higher plane…which will focus on happiness…

Here is a tidbit:

Views on Happiness

Teilhard argued that true happiness is found in growth and progress rather than in static tranquility, comfort or avoidance of risk. It does not come from hoarding possessions or seeking control, but from giving oneself over to a purpose larger than the individual. He characterized three pillars:

  1. The inner unification of the self
  2. The union of our being with others who are our equals through genuine relationship.
  3. The subordination of our individual life to a greater, transcendent whole (serving God or the collective evolution of the universe).

Ripples into Waves

Here I am, flaws and all, once again extremely unfiltered and disheveled after a long night of sleeping only an hour or two at a time and yet I feel such deep contentment because I am able to walk around my kitchen/ bedroom and other small spaces for short periods of time without my cane. My surgery was a week ago at exactly at this time and the tired smile on my face is a genuine reflection that I am indeed the valedictorian of recovery and have earned those bragging rights. I’ve earned them not only because I put in the effort, listened and trusted those experts who assisted me and followed every protocol, (and I know there are many others who have this surgery and have done well too…I am not remarkable in that), however, I will make this distinction; I am at this place because my physical recovery is the exact manifestation and validation of all the internal work I’ve been doing thus far embracing and allowing cosmic love to surround and move me forward completely. The power of love is the game changer. This surgery is so different than the last time, and while the initial conditions are always diverse and innumerable, I know at my core…love is the reason that changed the game for me, and while the specifics are personal to me, I just wanted to declare that out into the world, the result of which will make my small ripples into waves of light and love into the future.

Teilhard said:

A glow ripples outward from the first spark of conscious reflection. The point of ignition grows larger. The fire spreads in ever widening circles till finally the whole planet is covered with incandescence.

This is a bit how I feel right now. Of course I am aware that I might be in the throws of the kind of giddiness that comes with being able to walk straight and smooth again, (and no it is not the pain medication, which I only had to take once at day 3) so what follows may be even more challenging, but, and I say this cautiously, I am the cumulative result of all that has gone before and my arsenal has grown steadily as a result. My mind is full of ideas, opportunities, business plans and such a deep desire to utilize the fruits of my gifts to benefit the planet and the beautiful blueprints who are also here to save it. I also want to take this moment to say to those who cross my path every day and especially to those I have tamed and who have tamed me…you are the game changer and proof that love is taking hold of our world and will forever give me the strength I need to stand up to darkness and do my part to bear good fruit into the world. I pray we all continue to follow the rules of cosmic love:

If I speak in human and angelic tongues  but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

A New Dance

The above photo was taken on the way to surgery two days ago…the sunrise was beautiful, and I took it as a message that God was with me and had my back for what was to come.

I’m back for a quick update…Surgery done, new hip installed, and I am indeed, the valedictorian of recovery. During the week prior, I spent time doing all the pre-surgery protocols and appointments that, while they went great, left me in the throws of anxiety. Control was entirely in the hands of other people, and that is hard for me (others too…I know I am not alone in this). What I dreamed about often and what was all encompassing in my mind was the idea of how my injured hip, its damage and the pull and effect it had on the music in my soul and my dance in the world became the perfect metaphor for how limited we become in developing our blueprints in the physical world by those damaging circumstances we all have to face every day. I literally could not dance my dance or hear the music beginning to emerge in my soul clearly anymore because it was time to acknowledge what wasn’t working and fix it. This new hip, was to become for me, a new opportunity to hear the music in my head more clearly and now have the freedom to physically dance my dance. The spiritual part, though, was harder. It also meant that I had to release the damaged parts of my past that also limited my movement forward, meaning releasing all those people and behaviors that unnecessarily altered my physical journey as well. I apologize if I’m not being too clear, but at this point in my year of living on a higher plane, the physical world and the spiritual world are inseparable. So if I am to welcome new physical freedom I have to simultaneously welcome the same spiritual freedom too…and that means letting go of the spiritual damage that was limiting me just like my damaged hip was limiting me.

My surgery took place on Tuesday, (two days ago). I am already walking with a cane, doing stairs and am working hard doing exercises with an attitude of love as a welcome from my body to the new “part” to enhance my journey. I also decided to spiritually celebrate all those who were there for me during this process with love and gratitude as I released all the isolation I felt last time. To start, I want to thank those that helped me at Westfield Hospital: Megan, Michaela, Matthew, April, Nick, Avery, Dr Weiss and his team, Kenzie, Brittani, Hunter, Rinee, Tammie, Will, Kay, Nida, Jud, and Lynn who were present, loving and helpful throughout this ordeal. Healthcare workers never get enough credit for the level of amazing and often unsung work they do in the healing process. I had many lovely conversations getting to know these people, most were surprised that I actually asked their names and seemed interested in their lives. I always responded that it made it so much easier for me to utilize their help when I got a sense of who they were, and all were open and marvelous. I hate being in a hospital and was glad it was only overnight. Interestingly in one of my conversations with my case worker Lynn, she asked me what I did and when I told her I was a painter and showed her some of my work, she was moved and them came back later to share that she had contacted the Phipps center for the Arts at the University of Wisconsin River Falls who does the hospitals art on their gallery walls and it looks like I will display there too. What a great opportunity to bring the joy of art to the healing process. The new dance has begun.

The next few weeks will be filled with a different kind of effort, the changing of my dance. While the physical part manifests as overcoming the pain of such a dramatic physical alteration, for me it is a welcome pain, one that offers a freedom I have sorely missed. The spiritual part is more challenging, because behavioral change is hard, but I’m going to be the valedictorian of spiritual recovery as well. Yesterday, when I got home from the hospital (thank you my bebe Riley for picking me up) my sister texted and let me know my mother had fallen and cracked ribs. They are having her rest and managing her pain. You know what? I felt nothing, and was glad she was safe and sent a prayer of recovery for her…a huge landmark for me. There were also several “issues” of work and real world stuff that I either handled or let go for another day…and focused on myself, for once. It was good.

I want to end this rambling (I am still on medication…which I hate, but they limited upon my request, to which I am grateful) with how much appreciation I have to those trajectories, to those I love who sent me love…I felt it overwhelmingly and it was central in helping me make it through this experience easily. The hard part is over, I am on the mend and open to receive all that is coming my way. I am thankful and ready to dance into my new future.

A Moment of Respite

I finished this painting, a dedication to the colors that will lift us all up higher and out of our own personal impoverished or limiting circumstances, whatever they may be. Also, I’m stepping away for a minute…I’m getting a new hip, and more than ever I need some time to recoup, revamp and recover and focus on healing my physical body for the more adventurous future that is in store for me on my journey. I plan on being the valedictorian of recovery, like last time…and will be dancing in no time (last time I was walking without a cane in less than three weeks…but since I know what can happen when I get too arrogant…I promise to follow every rule/protocol and not over do it).

So let me leave with this beautiful message from a 14th century Sufi poet:

I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.

Pray with me…stay with me…I need your love.

Healing the Without and Within

So, I took the installation of my paintings that hung in the library during the month of July, and created a new one at our clinic. We take pride in offering healing through chiropractic and functional medicine, and now I add my part, which is to create an environment that soothes the soul as well. You can see better portrayals of each painting on Instagram and Facebook under: maryfrancesflood. Let the healing continue and magnify.

Sitting in the Dark with No Control

The above photo is a picture of a black hole I got from the NASA website. I figured it was apropos for this post because I am going to get a bit esoteric, which makes me grossly uncomfortable. This may seem a bit counterintuitive, for a person like me, given my chosen path and all that is presented here. I am, however, a pragmatist at heart and never would have continued to devote myself to this journey, if along the way I found no empirical evidence for what I am proposing here: my continued belief that cosmic love can and will save us all. I have recorded, throughout the years, exploits of challenging constructs as well as facing my own challenges to the ideals and axioms that have become the foundation to me moving forward. While pretty comfortable after all this time with the belief that I am on the right track…it appears that another break through was in order regarding the fundamentals of my/our present reality. Mind you, this is exactly what I am praying for all the time, to be a spiritual explorer, ready to face the unknown and soar to greater heights and yeah, I know, after all this time I should know better that what I think I am praying for may turn me on my head…and it did.

After a particularly daunting day, where up is down and down is up…and nothing made sense, especially the new concepts that I am working to wrap my head around, a functioning Noosphere, and its applicable and empirical relationship to the physical world, I was completely spent. It’s still a bit too theoretical for me and I was really getting confused about what was illusory, and what was real leaving me to wonder, then, how I was supposed to apply uniting the “within” to the “without” of the physical world in a pragmatic way. What followed was the reminder that I spent an inordinate amount of time along this journey releasing ideas, rules, permissions that no longer served the information I was uncovering and discovering right now, and yet I got the distinct impression I was still holding onto to some of those antiquated ideas and behaviors. And perhaps because I needed a crash course, I believe I was intentionally plunged into a darkness so deep, that I have never felt, like ever, along with the clear message that I had absolutely no control in this situation except to utilize “the Noosphere” and reach out to love there who would have all the control. Usually the colors and interactions I experience in my mind’s eye are amazing, but instantaneously that was turned into silence and blackness. It was terrifying and my first thought was that I was doomed…which was devastating, especially perhaps, because I was afraid that my gut reaction was a truer reflection of what little faith I had in my own hypotheses, which just added to the awfulness of the situation. In the deep dark, I did try to breath and remember that I was exploring unknown territory here, a road never travelled (at least by me, anyway), so I said these words I remembered when studying world religions: “from the mud the lotus grows”. So, as much as possible in my mind/heart/soul I sunk into the mud and let love take control.

With all my senses closed off, The only solace I got in this immovable darkness was a whisper from my spirit guide to remember that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things…love never fails, so reach out with your heart to the love which you cannot see, but can feel, for until you relinquish control to the love that exists on this higher plane, you cannot move forward. The next 24 hours were, well, a new experience for me…and slowly the darkness dissipated into greyness then to whiteness. While I’m still not sure what it all means because the movement from dark to light didn’t present a picture of anything…I did feel and was moved forward by love. I know it wasn’t a figment of my imagination either because afterwards, I could tell that I functionally began to interact with the world differently because the change had come from the outside in. The details are personal, but I guess I was surprised to learn how much control I thought I needed in my life and the idea of losing it was terrifying but was also what kept me from moving forward. At this point I do believe that “control” is the biggest illusion of all. While it is true we do control how we respond to our own personal set of circumstances, the belief that we have control over them and the particulars of our future is folly…there are just too many initial and continuing conditions we face that obliterate that idea. I am reminded that God answers all prayers asked in goodness, and to trust that in every situation, even those where it appears that our prayers are falling on deaf ears, Love has all the information that we do not, and requires us to have faith our prayers are being answered, especially in these moments. Releasing my control and trusting in cosmic love has opened a new door to unknown territory and I take up the challenge to explore where it takes me even if that road looks completely unexpected and unfamiliar. I am equipped with everything I need and it is my job to trust and believe in cosmic love that moves me forward.

A final thought…I had a dream last night where I picked pomegranate seeds, currants, grapes and shredded pink carrots out of a bowl at a banquet and placed them into a bowl of thick cream for a wonderful treat…

Cosmic Love and Utility

Here is a new painting I’m working on of a young east Indian girl selling balloons. The balloons are the only thing that will be painted in color, the rest is in grey scale…which is a perfect representation of today’s post, the colors of which are still unclear to me.

When Teilhard speaks of “cosmic love”, he is speaking of a real, physical energy of attraction that is binding the universe together. It is the driving force that is pulling all creation toward a unified divine state called the Omega Point. He also personalizes it by saying that love is not just a human emotion, but is a basic and foundational property of the universe. Just as gravity draws physical bodies together, cosmic love is the internal “within” or expression that draws human beings into a deeper connection. As separate parts of the universe feel an affinity for one another, it draws them into deeper connection. It ensures that creation does not fall apart into chaos, but instead grows more conscious and personal and creates higher levels of complexity and awareness. From my standpoint on this journey, I do see this happening all around me. Cosmic love is being manifested in powerful ways, of which I am a willing participant, and it is from this viewpoint that my journey is directed forward…until I was stopped dead in my tracks (and I shouldn’t be surprised, since just when I think I have a handle on “things” I am stopped and presented with another perspective).

The perspective I received is this: walking on a higher plane, with the clear understanding that we are all connected, also means extending ourselves both physically and spiritually as a utility, i.e. acting as a source of keeping extra power in reserve to extend or use when needed, especially when demand is high. While it is my understanding and deep belief that the power of love is an all encompassing, inexhaustible, and inextinguishable source of power and renewable energy, humans who act as a utility are not, our power and physicality is finite. There is this great line from “the Lord of the Rings”, where an aged Bilbo Baggins explains this concept clearly: “Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread”. It is such a simple and yet apt expression of how I am feeling at the moment: simultaneously enthused with all I’m learning, proud of risks I’m taking, and the happiness that comes with who I am taking this journey with, and yet at the same time I feel like a battery whose utility is spent. I think it is because in order to utilize cosmic love it must include both extending and receiving it like an electrical charge does that transforms the energy in quartz making it vibrate inside a watch to keep accurate time. Giving and receiving are inherent qualities of cosmic love, one cannot exist without the other and I forget about the receiving part a lot. While giving cosmic love is an unequivocal unlimited endeavor, receiving it is not, and while I’m not sure quite how yet, I did learn a few things yesterday that clarify what kind of energy transforms the receiving end of cosmic love and what does not.

Yesterday was my artist’s meet and greet. I wasn’t afraid or uncomfortable, which surprised me a bit…but I didn’t like it either, The interaction of explaining how I started over and over seemed a waste of time…it was already in the bio I provided that was on the wall with the drawings/paintings for everyone to read. While I genuinely appreciated kind words about my talent, I wanted my art to speak for itself and find out what they saw when they looked at each piece, and perhaps inspire them to appreciate the beauty in people from all walks of life in the future and also tap into their own undiscovered gifts. What made me uncomfortable, nervous even, is that putting the focus on “me” as a utility, somehow changed the energy of the cosmic love I put into the art, that somehow I was different from them, and that is what felt draining. There is a difference in receiving adulation from someone who doesn’t even know me and appreciating the illumination that comes from what I produced…and there were both kinds of people that day. The latter felt like a kinship, the former, well, it just felt draining. I do get nervous about what is to come in the future, and I wish I could put into words what I mean by that, but right now I just can’t articulate it.

Kinship and connection restores my utility, adulation drains it. I’m not happy with the word choice here because it sounds so worshippy, (and I am aware that I am but a drop in this cosmic bucket) but as I explained to someone recently how much I needed love to survive this, I was just as ill-equipped in the moment, to ask for and receive it. The giving of love unequivocally has never been the problem for me because I have such strong faith in the inherent gifts of those who I send love to, but in order to recharge and renew this inexhaustible source of cosmic love, receiving real love, and not the kind offered in a sycophantic, manipulative, or self deprecating kind of way is an absolute necessity. While it may still may appear in my line of sight as greyscale, I am hoping this is simply what comes when moving into unknown territory…and the color will come to me eventually as my understanding grows.

For Everything that Rises Must Converge

I decided to use the plainest, most unmade, end of day photo as a representation of my own rising and converging…especially challenging given how much I loath them.

The above quote is from Teilhard de Chardin, (although Flannery O’Connor used it famously, for a title of her short stories). Essentially, he proposed in his evolutionary theology that regardless of the path chosen, (he focused on science and religion), if people ultimately strive for truth and love, their paths will inevitably intersect and together be united in God, in Love, or as Teilhard calls it, “the Omega Point”. It is also why I am shifting from a just a horizontal perspective to include a vertical one. While still pushing the boundaries of reality by walking on water where we all can learn a new sense of balance, I also offer, simultaneously, that we push the boundaries “upward” as well, in defiance of the weight that human constrictions have unreasonably held upon those of us who are unsatisfied with the status quo, and have kept us from “rising” and evolving beyond traditional limits. Both add a perspective that no one can truly appreciate or even see unless they’ve made the effort…and I mean that as clearly and plainly as possible, not in a judgmental way…but a stating the obvious kind of way. This is one vantage point that cannot be faked, forged, declared, bought or appropriated regardless of the kind worldly power you think you have. From my faith (and I would heartfully acknowledge other faiths as well) it is a physical, mental and spiritual journey initiated and facilitated by an omnipotent God. For me, a Christian, I feel I have the added benefit of the gift of grace offered freely to anyone who is willing to embrace the sacrifice of Christ, and not in the “I accept him as my savior” kind of way and then live life according to whatever rules serve you specifically, but because you live according to the rules laid out by Jesus during his fairly short ministry otherwise its all just noise. It isn’t for the faint of heart either, it takes hope, faith, endurance and the belief that we can’t fail, because God won’t allow it…it requires all the requisites of any great physical challenge but also the same requisites of love to move us forward to the place Teilhard speaks of. It demands the suspension of human conventions and also demands relinquishing our personal will for the will of the most powerful force of in the universe…Love. I also think there is a point along the journey, where we become less myopic about our own journeys and look up and around to see that we are not alone, that there are others who have also embraced the rising and will walk with us forward. I am, in particular, happy about this because I’ve felt alone too long, and I really need support and encouragement when moments of darkness and past patterns sneak past my defenses and impede my progress. For those who’ve shown up for me, I am forever grateful and you have my unequivocal love. The road is open, the promises made are real, the future is full of hope.

That doesn’t mean that moving forward is easy peasy. There are trials now, and trials ahead. Darkness abhors the light, and we all must commit to shining ours brightly. Even today, when I think about “rising” I am faced with how our beautiful planet is struggling. Here where I live, we are in an air quality alert because of the wild fires up in Canada and in the Boundary Waters in Northern Minnesota. The amount of haze and fog and “burnt” smell is clear evidence that we are not taking care of our beautiful planet, the only means by which human beings have a chance of evolution and survival. If our planet dies…so do we. There is much work to do and it won’t be easy. We can, however, with the power of love, unite together and do what is necessary to continue to rise and converge..

The Road Less Travelled

I’ve been thinking about this poem by Robert Frost a lot lately. It is one of the first poems that I was introduced to in a great books program in elementary school. I saw myself then as a road less travelled girl, one who wanted to see things for the first time instead of following the masses. It also reminds me why I always wanted to be independent, embrace my curious nature and tackle the unknown, and become an adventurer, of sorts…hence all my exploits, both physical and spiritual. But as I look back…my choices were often more rooted in escaping the restrictions my world at the time had imposed upon me. I came to realize that running away from something isn’t the same as choosing something purposefully. Thankfully, I had a little divine help to guide me back toward more purposeful meanderings when I had no idea where to go, and had the foresight to ask for help (and an overpowering voice in my head that wouldn’t let up until I did). Slowly, especially along my journey here, as I embraced clarity and released illusions, opened my eyes and ears and broadened my perspective, and focused on love, truth, leadership, hope, how to be joyful and push the limits on faith, the road less travelled has lead me here to this higher plane. I also learned to trust myself and my instincts whenever life presented situations where I had to decide who and what to trust and when to say yes, that works for me and when to say no, that doesn’t work for me and move on. When I look around at where I am standing now on this higher plane, it is much higher up than I ever thought, because my focus on this journey was always on what was presented on the path directly in front of me at the time where the effort was so continuous and consistent that the incline didn’t feel noticeably all that steep. Now when I look around I see where all the uphill work has brought me; an elevation high enough to see not only the flatter paths below me, but more of what lies ahead, and that view is very encouraging.

The multitude of paths below I see create a three dimensional world, one that is good, regardless of how well travelled they are. There are also dark and barren areas where the paths stop or decay, but that is an observation for another time. What I see from this vantage point is how all the paths below intertwine with each other creating a network of humanity and culture…and that is a good thing and gives me hope. When I look forward, however, I also see multiple paths less travelled aligning or merging together making this journey of mine wider and directed toward a common goal. What is most comforting and exciting for me at the moment, is to let go of the idea that I have to be alone on this less travelled path. I see now that there are a plethora of others who are moving in the same direction as I am, guided by love and the commitment to bring our full blueprints to fruition, and I am so looking forward to learning from all your perspectives to expand my own. The New Testament is focused on the like minded uniting together and supporting each other as well, and I anticipate meeting so many new people, just as Teilhard foretold, where the intuited world embraces and manifests in the physical one and for the second time in the history of the world we discover fire, the fire of love.

I would like to end with a caveat…When I speak of being on higher ground and having a vantage point of seeing paths below, I am shifting to living on a higher plane more as “up” rather than simply being “out” on the water…that is intentional. I am not saying in any way that my placing is any way hierarchical, or “better than”… because I’m not saying that at all. What I am saying, however, is that I did the work, often with great effort and commitment and the results of that effort brought me to where I am standing right now…and I will never apologize for that. I earned this vantage point, which is a very unique one for that matter,. There are plenty of others who chose an easier path, and I take no issue with that, as Paul says when he speaks about the different gifts necessary in building the body of Christ. I always wanted to push the limits of present reality and make the most out of every adventure, that has always been my prayer and I believe to the depth of my soul that that prayer was and will continue to be answered. And as evolution pushes us all forward, I will continue to be the God of Love’s whisperer, sharing all that I learn through words and art, regardless of how it sounds to anyone else…time will tell, I suppose, and I am fine with that too. To those of you who have put in the effort of forging new untraveled paths, you know my words are true and consistent and I will continue to pray for you and send you love. Love is the way…the only way we can all reach our destinations, and I plan on helping to lead the way in any way the God of Love deems appropriate for me. I also promise to those I send love to, that will I strive to become an even stronger conduit for you all to become shining lights to the world.

Lies and Living on a Higher Plane

Today is my mother’s 95th birthday, as well as my country’s 250th birthday…both fill me with conflicting emotions, hence the subject of this post.

This is an uncomfortable topic for me, I admit, given my history, and I also admit that I am not always adept at knowing when someone is lying to me or not. I usually take people at face value in the beginning…assuming they presumptively tell the truth, especially since most people want to put their best foot forward right away (and yes, I know, some lie about that too). And because I often feel like I’ve been thrown into a game where everyone else knows the rules except me, I do pay attention to what follows afterwards to see if their behavior is consistent with the words that come out of their mouths and how they treat other people. I have spoken before of being a person with no filters, so I believe that I am borderline incapable of the kind of deception that creates a persona that doesn’t really exist, and it kind of freaks me out at how good some people are at creating a whole new external facade than what truly lies underneath. And while I used to see that as a weakness, perhaps it is one of my greatest strengths. Modern culture thrives on the fabricated and presents people who society should mirror as smooth and sparkly in the attempt to create a template of the flavor of the moment, both for what a person “should” be and then offer the kinds of products or ideologies that can make the rest of us sparkly as well (I’m not just speaking here in the US, but globally). There is also the flip side to this negative worldly influence on those authentically smooth and sparkly people who just want to shine their blueprint and are obstructed or inhibited to do so by the tendency of masses of individuals who obsess over, and idolize their gifts and talents rather than use that influence as inspiration to develop their own. Putting someone up on a pedestal above the rest does nothing to help anyone’s authenticity, since we are all of the same fabric. While its true we all have different gifts, and are on a spectrum of how they are developed and used in the world, remember, we are all on this journey together and it is incumbent upon us all to do our fair share. It’s more than appropriate to celebrate the talents people are born with and the hard work they’ve put in when sharing those gifts to the world, it’s quite another to anchor oneself to them and emotionally feed off them like a vampire…they end up depleted, and leave many gifts left undeveloped.

Since I started this journey so many years ago, I have learned to listen to my gut, my intuition, my native good judgement a lot (even if sometimes it takes a beat). All the lessons that I have learned along the way were hard won, and have taught me to let go of illusions and falsehoods that have cluttered my life for so long, so believe me when I say that the most important requirement of living on a higher plane is rejecting all that bullshit the world is trying to shove down our throats that corrupts who God created us to be. Maybe I was lucky to be born the way I was, without smooth and sparkly attributes, because I’ve learned that life isn’t supposed to be like that, and there is no magic product or social construct that can make us perfect except for adhering to who and what were created to be in the first place…and I firmly believe that God created us intentionally, with the exact gifts necessary to fulfill/complete the journey we were placed here to make to not only evolve personally, but to use our gifts to evolve humanity, the only necessity for growth being love, and learning to wield it in the world. And I will say that most of my grief at the moment is recognizing how much energy, from important people in my life was put into keeping my own blueprint from shining (which I truly believe is the result when the illusion of one comes face to face with the authenticity of another). Rather than seeing it as an Achilles’ heal, though, I have chosen to see it as a strength, one that has made me even more forceful (my badass butterflyness), and more dedicated to following the path God has laid before me. I have come to understand that there is a power in being unknown and pretty much invisible, because better than most, I can grow unimpeded by all the vacuous enticements out there…like clothing that shrouds rather than enhances our true selves, they just don’t fit me, like ever.

As far as wielding love in the world to establish, grow, and shine our blueprints, it is more of a logical than mystical process than people would think, and also a mechanism to determine if someone is being truthful or not. I have spoken before of using logic when referencing leadership and love, and if you pay attention, you begin to realize that putting faith in either one has to be rooted in the truth of beginning with if how you present yourself to the world. So, instead of looking at whether an argument is valid, let’s use logic to determine if a person is being valid. If someone presents themselves as one thing, but behaves in ways that are contrary, they are not who they say they are. Even if a person truly believes the illusion they present to the world, (for a host of reasons from no self knowledge, to the more nefarious) the truth of that illusion will be exposed eventually, because that is the nature of truth. Let me be clear, self knowledge is not only hard because it is entangled in all the past damage/hurt/fears that have come before, but also because the world itself encourages so many of us, in order to be successful or thrive, to become something “other” to be acceptable. The result is that there are too many people out there who aren’t clued into their authentic selves, and that they don’t really know or understand the gifts they bring to the world that are not only meant to drive the passion for their path forward, but build the connections with others they were meant to influence and affect. I know how arrogant that sounds, I really do, but I’ve been at this game (and it is a game, of sorts) long enough and been dismantled down to the bones enough to recognize that authenticity is one of the fundamental rules of living on a higher plane and moving evolution toward the Love that initiated everything.

Choosing to reject the world’s illusions has always been an essential part of my journey, so choosing to live on a higher plane, then, ups the ante even more. Walking unhindered by a host of things that can obscure or twist the blueprint we were created to be is even more necessary out on “the water” because gaining a solid proprioception is impossible when covered in illusion, or rooted in falsehoods, because then a person cannot walk unhindered, they just sink. I can’t become a facsimile of the person I was created to be, as dictated by societal appropriateness and expectation, or bypass the work of evolution by pretending to be something I am not, because it not only inhibits my ability to successfully live my truth and bear good fruit from the gifts I was born with, it completely corrupts them. The true path to shining one’s unique light on a higher plane has to be based on the perfect creation the God of Love intended you to be, flaws and all, societal acceptance be damned. To choose otherwise, decreases your ability to shine your unique light at its brightest, which in my mind is the same as allowing the darkness to dim your light (or as Jesus said, hide it under a bushel basket). It also means that whatever comes out of our mouths must also be the truth as we know it at the time, because as we all know, developing our “blueprint” as I call it is an evolving proposition, as the truth of the world expands its presence. We all have to be willing to make mistakes, and to fail at times, to be sure, but mistakes for the sake of evolving is what is required. We have to be willing to embrace our own personal dishevelment and look foolish for the sake of growth, and still focus on how our unique talent helps the whole lot of us evolve. The connections we make, demand truth, demand our authentic selves. Lies, illusions, and all the subterfuge that come with modern living will ruin those connections. I should know, I have first hand experience…both of being lied to and trying to conform myself to what I believe the world thinks is appropriate…and I don’t really like it, so acknowledging those experiences, I chalk them up to learning to love unequivocally with even more power. To wielding love I am dedicated and sure…and I will never break the promises I’ve made to those I choose to love and send love to…the Savior didn’t, and neither will I…whatever the expression.

Prayers for You on my Birthday

It is that time of year again…I made it yet another cycle around the sun, although this last year was packed with, well, more than anything I’ve experienced on this journey I’ve travelled so far combined. For someone who proclaims how easy faith in the God of Love is for me (you know how some are naturally good at science or sports) this natural proclivity was tested at every measure, and I think I came out the other end even more adept…time will certainly tell. Add six months of my next theme, “living on a higher plane”, which is mind blowing (to me anyway) and wouldn’t have been remotely possible without all the ways my faith had been tested (and continues to be, part of evolution, I guess). So here I am, in all my dishevelment, (made even harder because I despise selfies, or any pictures in general…with no makeup, all sweaty, with the humidity wrecking havoc on my hair, which in this weather is pulled back 90% of the time, because of curls and cowlicks in all the wrong places) because this unequivocal and unfiltered state is my new normal. Per usual at this time of year, let me take a moment to send out prayers to all of you “trajectories” I’ve sent love to over my lifetime. Whether you know it or not, you all helped keep me on this journey as well as expand my own small blueprint helping to add my unique song and light to the world.

I was born at 6:40 in the morning, so today I got up early (it is Saturday, after all) and at that moment sent of blast of love outward into the world to all of you, in the hopes that the ripple will add to your individual beautiful blueprints in facing your day. Never forget the Savior’s promise that whatever you ask for in goodness, shall be given to you. So extend that same prayer to your own trajectories. You’re welcome. Here is my prayer, (in general, some are private)

I pray that the light you share to the world through your unique and exclusive gifts are magnified tenfold sending not just ripples, but waves of love out into the world

I pray that you make sacred even the simplest of actions you perform today and everyday because you never know how they will influence or affect another.

I pray that you love unequivocally, fully and freely without conditions or expectation of return, and watch its beautiful influence in your world. Losing yourself to love increases you, and never diminishes you because love is an inexhaustible and continuous energy.

I pray that you surround yourself with those you have tamed, and who have tamed you and strengthen those connections for any trials and tribulations to come, asking for help and support when you need it…especially from the God of Love who always has our backs. None of us were meant to take this journey alone.

I pray, most importantly that you really come to know and understand that Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Believing the above statement alone, is the key to living happily on a higher plane, where walking on water is the new norm, where we can face the unknown with confidence, balance, with grace, together.

I’m off, to celebrate me!

Seeing Through Shadows on a Higher Plane

I took the above picture initially so I could gage what flowers to purchase to decorate our back patio on the edge of our beautiful woods where I tend to spend a lot of time in the summer. I noticed the interesting shadows, and retook it from another angle…the picture almost appears to have a large demon/monster towering over me (I am covered in a huge blanket, since it was cold that day, and no I am not in a wheelchair, but a high top bar chair sipping iced tea. 😉 ). It made me laugh, but also made me think. How often do we give credence to looming shadows in our lives and allow them to instill fear in us? Except when we really look at them from multiple angles, allow light to disassemble them or ask those we love for another perspective, they become nothing like what we feared they would be. I am guilty of succumbing to fear initially, but am also diligent in shifting direction and shedding light upon them. The operative word here, is “light”. With so many shadows that creep up on all of us every day, given how deeply invested the shadow masters of the world are into keeping us steeped in illusion (you know all the liars and wolves in sheep’s clothing out there), it does take a continuous commitment to the truth, to love, to having faith in a future free from those illusory fears that often impede our movement forward, especially in a world that is filled with an increasing and evolving reality. I have experienced first hand that I cannot face the darkness alone, and that, in and of itself, is releasing a shadow over me. It is often with herculean effort that I release the kinds of shadows that trap me into thinking that I am alone on this journey every single day, and ask for validation, for additional help from those I trust, and the support necessary to see things clearly as I move forward. Face it, we need each other, and while stating that may seem simple and obvious, asking for it, not only from heaven, but to someone’s face can feel heroic. So, be a hero…ask for what you need.

Heroism on a Higher Plane

Today is Father’s Day. I miss mine every day, and am comforted that he is watching over me spiritually and extending prayers my way. And while I can’t comprehend how, I do sense and feel his presence when most needed, and it also brought to mind the subject matter of this post. So, before I begin thoughts on heroism, let me share another caveat of being in an uncomfortable social situation, and asking for, and receiving validation. Like the last social event I spoke about, making the choice to act as my evolving self, and humbly asking for help to do so, I had another fortuitous encounter with my recent past. The venue where this social event was held looked remarkably like the venue of my son’s wedding, the memories of which brought me so much love and happiness. It turns out, both venues are owned my the same people (the properties are hundreds of miles apart), and for that reason I felt calmer…but that wasn’t the end, the same two bartenders, mother and daughter who served us so efficiently at Riley and Bri’s wedding were there. She recognized Steve and I and the moment felt heaven sent, as we were gathering to sit for dinner, (dinner placement is always unnerving for me, since I have no control and have to sit where I am told) she came running around the bar and gave me a big hug. We chatted and she remembered so fondly that day, how we teamed together to make sure all the bridesmaids drank water in between open bar cocktails…Isn’t that remarkable? How extending simple love does make an impact on a person. She wanted to give me her card in case we ever needed them for another event, because the venue we presently were at was just sold, and this was her last event there, so fortuitous!. Any way, just another example of how wielding love does make a difference, and love itself came around to give me another big hug for doing so.

Teilhard describes human existence as a heroic evolving quest, having the courage to push evolution forward by embracing the physical world, harnessing the “energies of love,” and willingly enduring suffering for the greater good. He believed it is far more “heroic” to dive into the work of the world—science, politics, and daily labor—and sanctify those actions instead of looking down on them like traditional religions tend to. Jesus displays this notion clearly by disassembling traditional understandings of power and redefines heroism from a focus on power, strength, and glorification of conquer, to a model based on love, humility, service to others, and self sacrifice. Jesus also says that the greatest show of heroism is to sacrifice personal preferences and safety for the sake of another, and to break the cycle of violence and vengeance by doing good for those who hate us and pray for those who persecute us. A difficult skill to master, assuredly, which is why it is all so important to master it in the everyday. Just like you can’t climb a mountain without the rigor of training, nor can you be your best hero without the same kind of diligence.

That is what my father represented to me. He wasn’t perfect, he knew that, but he showed up everyday, and committed to the kind of qualities Jesus preached about. He was one of the few men in my life who actually saw me, and loved me for it. He desired the best for me, and while in the end he questioned whether or not he was successful, the fact that he was committed to being a hero according to his faith for all those he came in contact with certainly made him a hero in my eyes. Happy Father’s Day!

Simple Love

This post may sound a bit unlike my usual intensity, a slight deviation from usual workings of my brain, but I think it’s necessary sometimes to step outside of oneself and try something new. Waking in the wee hours of the morning, overwhelmed by the energy in my heart and mind of the love that propels me forward and invigorates my soul (that often comes in the throws of creating a painting) where the practice and practicality of expressing it at the moment was pretty limited, I usually try to pray and send that energy outward into the world to all those I love and pray for. However, this time it wasn’t really effective, so I got up, and decided to try a new tactic. Love is energy, and the more I learn about, and embrace it, the more I feel like a conduit that is ready to explode if I don’t share it. So today, I decided to take that energy and infuse it in every action I performed, from cleaning, to grocery shopping, to engaging with everyday people in everyday ways, and to try and see and approach these tasks and interactions and transform them into something more. Yes, I am aware that my mind works a bit differently from most, but strangely? I did feel different as I walked in my world today, and I don’t think it was my imagination. People do respond differently when you try to incorporate the “love” energy in all you do. It was pleasant. It was moving. It was validation that I am definitely onto to something here. The love is real, it is palpable and efficacious. While it may go under the radar for most people, I am good at reading faces, and the responses I received seemed to be happy ones. Imagine if we all did this in our simple interactions every day. I think we change the tide for how the world moves forward…for all of us. One of the last things I did, was share a bit of love to myself by getting a pedicure. The whole experience was magical (and I admit, I get them all the time and usually sitting that long and feet touching is uncomfortable for me). I was lucky to get someone at the last minute, who I remembered I sold a piece of jewelry to a few years ago, and she was happy I remembered who she was…I could feel that simple love as she massaged my legs and feet. It was subtly transformative. I see why the washing of feet in the Gospel was such a moving experience for Jesus to share with people.

In a time where we focus on the “big” impacts of love, we can’t dismiss the simple and subtle ones either. Massaging the tension out of one’s life does make a difference, whether it is by using words or our hands. It was a good day. Tomorrow, practice simple love, you won’t regret it.

Weathering Turbulence

The above is a painting I’m working on which calms me a great deal while I forge ahead with building and sharing my gifts. I’ve placed some of my jewelry in a local boutique, and am finalizing details of the installation of my paintings in the public library during the month of July…both of which while great, still make me a little sick to my stomach.

Not that I believed living on a higher plane would be smooth sailing, or a simple exercise in mastering my sea legs…but I didn’t expect this kind of turbulence, especially the kind that nobody else can see, but those who choose to live on a higher plane. I hated writing that last sentence, because it sounds so pretentious, but really, its the opposite. The turbulence comes from the interactions and situations I am presented with, where I can’t unknow what I know now and am forced to choose between the person I was, or the person that I am in the moment, or the person who, in continuous evolution, I really desire to become, meaning every movement forward is a conscious choice between who I am going to be in that exact moment. I’m exhausted, and yet determined to never go backwards…so far, so good (except when I’m alone and I spill or break shit and swear like a sailor…that hasn’t changed). I’m not talking about the overthinking that I sometimes get trapped in…it is those obvious moments where I instinctively know there is a choice to make. The evolution also hasn’t been without help. I’ve had enough smacks on the head from God over my lifetime to remind me to ask for Love’s help when I need it, or to reach out to those I trust to ask for help too, and I’m getting better at it.

I was in a particular unsettling situation recently, ( for me anyway) when I needed a reminder that I was indeed a good person, who does good things, and has made a difference for good in my own way. So being aware that I was in a vulnerable place and didn’t want to backslide, or just coast through, I asked God for a little validation in the physical world from my trajectories, and it came…but not from where I thought it would. I recognized one of my old students at this social gathering, (I had to look him up on Facebook to make sure I didn’t embarrass myself, and it was him) I approached him and said Hello, and it was wonderful! It’s nice to not only be remembered, but to be remembered so fondly and then be introduced as his mentor, and have him share with me how much I have helped him in his life, especially with his faith, well, it made my heart full, and that one validation circumvented those who didn’t. It felt fortuitous that our paths crossed in the way it did and I am thankful to God for that. Accepting that we are all works in progress, evolving at our own pace is what I needed to be reminded of in that moment so I could learn to better deal with any turbulence that comes my way in the future, as well as be supportive of others during their turbulent times. It takes practice to be vulnerable and ask for help, and not look at it like its a weakness, because needing help is a simple facet of being human, and the quicker we all understand and embrace that notion, the quicker we can all evolve forward.

I told someone recently that everyone needs a place where they can feel safe to get all messy and emotional as we work through leaving our past selves behind and not be judged or rejected for it. It’s certainly what I want from those I choose to love, and expect from those who choose to love me. Regardless of my whirling dervish nature, I am worthy of that kind of safety as are those whom I have tamed, not only in the physical world, but the spiritual world as well, because we are forever responsible for those we tame, and also because that is what unequivocal love looks like in my book and it is the only way we keep moving forward together.

Before the Storm

I’m on my way to see my mother for the first time since she was placed in memory care. The above picture is full of trepidation, sleep deprivation and my last look in case I don’t make it out alive…Even though I feel pretty calm and almost resigned, it’s crazy the level of fear that she inspired in me my whole life, the remnants of which still lie deep beneath the surface and in the last 24 hours have come out sideways. I simply don’t understand the tendency for people to shut down, pull away or a host of other responses when someone goes to great lengths to give them their love, without reservation or strings. I guess, I will never understand it and I have chosen to love anyway…and not just in this instance, or with this person. I won’t ever be one who allows someone else to determine how I move forward, I’ve come too far, regardless of how confusing and awkward it may feel.. Anyway…pray for me.

So…I think the prayers worked, and I dodged a bullet. While I was meeting with my sister and talking about how to navigate the visit if things went awry, the nurse at my mother’s facility called and because of an incident, I couldn’t visit her (and for my safety). Obviously, while it was fortuitous that she called, I was frustrated and sad (hence the post pic, after some tears and a bit of comfort). I know I look like shit, so don’t judge. Gonna lose myself in a new painting I’m starting and sending her soul some love.