A New Dance

The above photo was taken on the way to surgery two days ago…the sunrise was beautiful, and I took it as a message that God was with me and had my back for what was to come.

I’m back for a quick update…Surgery done, new hip installed, and I am indeed, the valedictorian of recovery. During the week prior, I spent time doing all the pre-surgery protocols and appointments that, while they went great, left me in the throws of anxiety. Control was entirely in the hands of other people, and that is hard for me (others too…I know I am not alone in this). What I dreamed about often and what was all encompassing in my mind was the idea of how my injured hip, its damage and the pull and effect it had on the music in my soul and my dance in the world became the perfect metaphor for how limited we become in developing our blueprints in the physical world by those damaging circumstances we all have to face every day. I literally could not dance my dance or hear the music beginning to emerge in my soul clearly anymore because it was time to acknowledge what wasn’t working and fix it. This new hip, was to become for me, a new opportunity to hear the music in my head more clearly and now have the freedom to physically dance my dance. The spiritual part, though, was harder. It also meant that I had to release the damaged parts of my past that also limited my movement forward, meaning releasing all those people and behaviors that unnecessarily altered my physical journey as well. I apologize if I’m not being too clear, but at this point in my year of living on a higher plane, the physical world and the spiritual world are inseparable. So if I am to welcome new physical freedom I have to simultaneously welcome the same spiritual freedom too…and that means letting go of the spiritual damage that was limiting me just like my damaged hip was limiting me.

My surgery took place on Tuesday, (two days ago). I am already walking with a cane, doing stairs and am working hard doing exercises with an attitude of love as a welcome from my body to the new “part” to enhance my journey. I also decided to spiritually celebrate all those who were there for me during this process with love and gratitude as I released all the isolation I felt last time. To start, I want to thank those that helped me at Westfield Hospital: Megan, Michaela, Matthew, April, Nick, Avery, Dr Weiss and his team, Kenzie, Brittani, Hunter, Rinee, Tammie, Will, Kay, Nida, Jud, and Lynn who were present, loving and helpful throughout this ordeal. Healthcare workers never get enough credit for the level of amazing and often unsung work they do in the healing process. I had many lovely conversations getting to know these people, most were surprised that I actually asked their names and seemed interested in their lives. I always responded that it made it so much easier for me to utilize their help when I got a sense of who they were, and all were open and marvelous. I hate being in a hospital and was glad it was only overnight. Interestingly in one of my conversations with my case worker Lynn, she asked me what I did and when I told her I was a painter and showed her some of my work, she was moved and them came back later to share that she had contacted the Phipps center for the Arts at the University of Wisconsin River Falls who does the hospitals art on their gallery walls and it looks like I will display there too. What a great opportunity to bring the joy of art to the healing process. The new dance has begun.

The next few weeks will be filled with a different kind of effort, the changing of my dance. While the physical part manifests as overcoming the pain of such a dramatic physical alteration, for me it is a welcome pain, one that offers a freedom I have sorely missed. The spiritual part is more challenging, because behavioral change is hard, but I’m going to be the valedictorian of spiritual recovery as well. Yesterday, when I got home from the hospital (thank you my bebe Riley for picking me up) my sister texted and let me know my mother had fallen and cracked ribs. They are having her rest and managing her pain. You know what? I felt nothing, and was glad she was safe and sent a prayer of recovery for her…a huge landmark for me. There were also several “issues” of work and real world stuff that I either handled or let go for another day…and focused on myself, for once. It was good.

I want to end this rambling (I am still on medication…which I hate, but they limited upon my request, to which I am grateful) with how much appreciation I have to those trajectories, to those I love who sent me love…I felt it overwhelmingly and it was central in helping me make it through this experience easily. The hard part is over, I am on the mend and open to receive all that is coming my way. I am thankful and ready to dance into my new future.

A Moment of Respite

I finished this painting, a dedication to the colors that will lift us all up higher and out of our own personal impoverished or limiting circumstances, whatever they may be. Also, I’m stepping away for a minute…I’m getting a new hip, and more than ever I need some time to recoup, revamp and recover and focus on healing my physical body for the more adventurous future that is in store for me on my journey. I plan on being the valedictorian of recovery, like last time…and will be dancing in no time (last time I was walking without a cane in less than three weeks…but since I know what can happen when I get too arrogant…I promise to follow every rule/protocol and not over do it).

So let me leave with this beautiful message from a 14th century Sufi poet:

I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.

Pray with me…stay with me…I need your love.

Healing the Without and Within

So, I took the installation of my paintings that hung in the library during the month of July, and created a new one at our clinic. We take pride in offering healing through chiropractic and functional medicine, and now I add my part, which is to create an environment that soothes the soul as well. You can see better portrayals of each painting on Instagram and Facebook under: maryfrancesflood. Let the healing continue and magnify.

Sitting in the Dark with No Control

The above photo is a picture of a black hole I got from the NASA website. I figured it was apropos for this post because I am going to get a bit esoteric, which makes me grossly uncomfortable. This may seem a bit counterintuitive, for a person like me, given my chosen path and all that is presented here. I am, however, a pragmatist at heart and never would have continued to devote myself to this journey, if along the way I found no empirical evidence for what I am proposing here: my continued belief that cosmic love can and will save us all. I have recorded, throughout the years, exploits of challenging constructs as well as facing my own challenges to the ideals and axioms that have become the foundation to me moving forward. While pretty comfortable after all this time with the belief that I am on the right track…it appears that another break through was in order regarding the fundamentals of my/our present reality. Mind you, this is exactly what I am praying for all the time, to be a spiritual explorer, ready to face the unknown and soar to greater heights and yeah, I know, after all this time I should know better that what I think I am praying for may turn me on my head…and it did.

After a particularly daunting day, where up is down and down is up…and nothing made sense, especially the new concepts that I am working to wrap my head around, a functioning Noosphere, and its applicable and empirical relationship to the physical world, I was completely spent. It’s still a bit too theoretical for me and I was really getting confused about what was illusory, and what was real leaving me to wonder, then, how I was supposed to apply uniting the “within” to the “without” of the physical world in a pragmatic way. What followed was the reminder that I spent an inordinate amount of time along this journey releasing ideas, rules, permissions that no longer served the information I was uncovering and discovering right now, and yet I got the distinct impression I was still holding onto to some of those antiquated ideas and behaviors. And perhaps because I needed a crash course, I believe I was intentionally plunged into a darkness so deep, that I have never felt, like ever, along with the clear message that I had absolutely no control in this situation except to utilize “the Noosphere” and reach out to love there who would have all the control. Usually the colors and interactions I experience in my mind’s eye are amazing, but instantaneously that was turned into silence and blackness. It was terrifying and my first thought was that I was doomed…which was devastating, especially perhaps, because I was afraid that my gut reaction was a truer reflection of what little faith I had in my own hypotheses, which just added to the awfulness of the situation. In the deep dark, I did try to breath and remember that I was exploring unknown territory here, a road never travelled (at least by me, anyway), so I said these words I remembered when studying world religions: “from the mud the lotus grows”. So, as much as possible in my mind/heart/soul I sunk into the mud and let love take control.

With all my senses closed off, The only solace I got in this immovable darkness was a whisper from my spirit guide to remember that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things…love never fails, so reach out with your heart to the love which you cannot see, but can feel, for until you relinquish control to the love that exists on this higher plane, you cannot move forward. The next 24 hours were, well, a new experience for me…and slowly the darkness dissipated into greyness then to whiteness. While I’m still not sure what it all means because the movement from dark to light didn’t present a picture of anything…I did feel and was moved forward by love. I know it wasn’t a figment of my imagination either because afterwards, I could tell that I functionally began to interact with the world differently because the change had come from the outside in. The details are personal, but I guess I was surprised to learn how much control I thought I needed in my life and the idea of losing it was terrifying but was also what kept me from moving forward. At this point I do believe that “control” is the biggest illusion of all. While it is true we do control how we respond to our own personal set of circumstances, the belief that we have control over them and the particulars of our future is folly…there are just too many initial and continuing conditions we face that obliterate that idea. I am reminded that God answers all prayers asked in goodness, and to trust that in every situation, even those where it appears that our prayers are falling on deaf ears, Love has all the information that we do not, and requires us to have faith our prayers are being answered, especially in these moments. Releasing my control and trusting in cosmic love has opened a new door to unknown territory and I take up the challenge to explore where it takes me even if that road looks completely unexpected and unfamiliar. I am equipped with everything I need and it is my job to trust and believe in cosmic love that moves me forward.

A final thought…I had a dream last night where I picked pomegranate seeds, currants, grapes and shredded pink carrots out of a bowl at a banquet and placed them into a bowl of thick cream for a wonderful treat…

Cosmic Love and Utility

Here is a new painting I’m working on of a young east Indian girl selling balloons. The balloons are the only thing that will be painted in color, the rest is in grey scale…which is a perfect representation of today’s post, the colors of which are still unclear to me.

When Teilhard speaks of “cosmic love”, he is speaking of a real, physical energy of attraction that is binding the universe together. It is the driving force that is pulling all creation toward a unified divine state called the Omega Point. He also personalizes it by saying that love is not just a human emotion, but is a basic and foundational property of the universe. Just as gravity draws physical bodies together, cosmic love is the internal “within” or expression that draws human beings into a deeper connection. As separate parts of the universe feel an affinity for one another, it draws them into deeper connection. It ensures that creation does not fall apart into chaos, but instead grows more conscious and personal and creates higher levels of complexity and awareness. From my standpoint on this journey, I do see this happening all around me. Cosmic love is being manifested in powerful ways, of which I am a willing participant, and it is from this viewpoint that my journey is directed forward…until I was stopped dead in my tracks (and I shouldn’t be surprised, since just when I think I have a handle on “things” I am stopped and presented with another perspective).

The perspective I received is this: walking on a higher plane, with the clear understanding that we are all connected, also means extending ourselves both physically and spiritually as a utility, i.e. acting as a source of keeping extra power in reserve to extend or use when needed, especially when demand is high. While it is my understanding and deep belief that the power of love is an all encompassing, inexhaustible, and inextinguishable source of power and renewable energy, humans who act as a utility are not, our power and physicality is finite. There is this great line from “the Lord of the Rings”, where an aged Bilbo Baggins explains this concept clearly: “Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread”. It is such a simple and yet apt expression of how I am feeling at the moment: simultaneously enthused with all I’m learning, proud of risks I’m taking, and the happiness that comes with who I am taking this journey with, and yet at the same time I feel like a battery whose utility is spent. I think it is because in order to utilize cosmic love it must include both extending and receiving it like an electrical charge does that transforms the energy in quartz making it vibrate inside a watch to keep accurate time. Giving and receiving are inherent qualities of cosmic love, one cannot exist without the other and I forget about the receiving part a lot. While giving cosmic love is an unequivocal unlimited endeavor, receiving it is not, and while I’m not sure quite how yet, I did learn a few things yesterday that clarify what kind of energy transforms the receiving end of cosmic love and what does not.

Yesterday was my artist’s meet and greet. I wasn’t afraid or uncomfortable, which surprised me a bit…but I didn’t like it either, The interaction of explaining how I started over and over seemed a waste of time…it was already in the bio I provided that was on the wall with the drawings/paintings for everyone to read. While I genuinely appreciated kind words about my talent, I wanted my art to speak for itself and find out what they saw when they looked at each piece, and perhaps inspire them to appreciate the beauty in people from all walks of life in the future and also tap into their own undiscovered gifts. What made me uncomfortable, nervous even, is that putting the focus on “me” as a utility, somehow changed the energy of the cosmic love I put into the art, that somehow I was different from them, and that is what felt draining. There is a difference in receiving adulation from someone who doesn’t even know me and appreciating the illumination that comes from what I produced…and there were both kinds of people that day. The latter felt like a kinship, the former, well, it just felt draining. I do get nervous about what is to come in the future, and I wish I could put into words what I mean by that, but right now I just can’t articulate it.

Kinship and connection restores my utility, adulation drains it. I’m not happy with the word choice here because it sounds so worshippy, (and I am aware that I am but a drop in this cosmic bucket) but as I explained to someone recently how much I needed love to survive this, I was just as ill-equipped in the moment, to ask for and receive it. The giving of love unequivocally has never been the problem for me because I have such strong faith in the inherent gifts of those who I send love to, but in order to recharge and renew this inexhaustible source of cosmic love, receiving real love, and not the kind offered in a sycophantic, manipulative, or self deprecating kind of way is an absolute necessity. While it may still may appear in my line of sight as greyscale, I am hoping this is simply what comes when moving into unknown territory…and the color will come to me eventually as my understanding grows.

For Everything that Rises Must Converge

I decided to use the plainest, most unmade, end of day photo as a representation of my own rising and converging…especially challenging given how much I loath them.

The above quote is from Teilhard de Chardin, (although Flannery O’Connor used it famously, for a title of her short stories). Essentially, he proposed in his evolutionary theology that regardless of the path chosen, (he focused on science and religion), if people ultimately strive for truth and love, their paths will inevitably intersect and together be united in God, in Love, or as Teilhard calls it, “the Omega Point”. It is also why I am shifting from a just a horizontal perspective to include a vertical one. While still pushing the boundaries of reality by walking on water where we all can learn a new sense of balance, I also offer, simultaneously, that we push the boundaries “upward” as well, in defiance of the weight that human constrictions have unreasonably held upon those of us who are unsatisfied with the status quo, and have kept us from “rising” and evolving beyond traditional limits. Both add a perspective that no one can truly appreciate or even see unless they’ve made the effort…and I mean that as clearly and plainly as possible, not in a judgmental way…but a stating the obvious kind of way. This is one vantage point that cannot be faked, forged, declared, bought or appropriated regardless of the kind worldly power you think you have. From my faith (and I would heartfully acknowledge other faiths as well) it is a physical, mental and spiritual journey initiated and facilitated by an omnipotent God. For me, a Christian, I feel I have the added benefit of the gift of grace offered freely to anyone who is willing to embrace the sacrifice of Christ, and not in the “I accept him as my savior” kind of way and then live life according to whatever rules serve you specifically, but because you live according to the rules laid out by Jesus during his fairly short ministry otherwise its all just noise. It isn’t for the faint of heart either, it takes hope, faith, endurance and the belief that we can’t fail, because God won’t allow it…it requires all the requisites of any great physical challenge but also the same requisites of love to move us forward to the place Teilhard speaks of. It demands the suspension of human conventions and also demands relinquishing our personal will for the will of the most powerful force of in the universe…Love. I also think there is a point along the journey, where we become less myopic about our own journeys and look up and around to see that we are not alone, that there are others who have also embraced the rising and will walk with us forward. I am, in particular, happy about this because I’ve felt alone too long, and I really need support and encouragement when moments of darkness and past patterns sneak past my defenses and impede my progress. For those who’ve shown up for me, I am forever grateful and you have my unequivocal love. The road is open, the promises made are real, the future is full of hope.

That doesn’t mean that moving forward is easy peasy. There are trials now, and trials ahead. Darkness abhors the light, and we all must commit to shining ours brightly. Even today, when I think about “rising” I am faced with how our beautiful planet is struggling. Here where I live, we are in an air quality alert because of the wild fires up in Canada and in the Boundary Waters in Northern Minnesota. The amount of haze and fog and “burnt” smell is clear evidence that we are not taking care of our beautiful planet, the only means by which human beings have a chance of evolution and survival. If our planet dies…so do we. There is much work to do and it won’t be easy. We can, however, with the power of love, unite together and do what is necessary to continue to rise and converge..

The Road Less Travelled

I’ve been thinking about this poem by Robert Frost a lot lately. It is one of the first poems that I was introduced to in a great books program in elementary school. I saw myself then as a road less travelled girl, one who wanted to see things for the first time instead of following the masses. It also reminds me why I always wanted to be independent, embrace my curious nature and tackle the unknown, and become an adventurer, of sorts…hence all my exploits, both physical and spiritual. But as I look back…my choices were often more rooted in escaping the restrictions my world at the time had imposed upon me. I came to realize that running away from something isn’t the same as choosing something purposefully. Thankfully, I had a little divine help to guide me back toward more purposeful meanderings when I had no idea where to go, and had the foresight to ask for help (and an overpowering voice in my head that wouldn’t let up until I did). Slowly, especially along my journey here, as I embraced clarity and released illusions, opened my eyes and ears and broadened my perspective, and focused on love, truth, leadership, hope, how to be joyful and push the limits on faith, the road less travelled has lead me here to this higher plane. I also learned to trust myself and my instincts whenever life presented situations where I had to decide who and what to trust and when to say yes, that works for me and when to say no, that doesn’t work for me and move on. When I look around at where I am standing now on this higher plane, it is much higher up than I ever thought, because my focus on this journey was always on what was presented on the path directly in front of me at the time where the effort was so continuous and consistent that the incline didn’t feel noticeably all that steep. Now when I look around I see where all the uphill work has brought me; an elevation high enough to see not only the flatter paths below me, but more of what lies ahead, and that view is very encouraging.

The multitude of paths below I see create a three dimensional world, one that is good, regardless of how well travelled they are. There are also dark and barren areas where the paths stop or decay, but that is an observation for another time. What I see from this vantage point is how all the paths below intertwine with each other creating a network of humanity and culture…and that is a good thing and gives me hope. When I look forward, however, I also see multiple paths less travelled aligning or merging together making this journey of mine wider and directed toward a common goal. What is most comforting and exciting for me at the moment, is to let go of the idea that I have to be alone on this less travelled path. I see now that there are a plethora of others who are moving in the same direction as I am, guided by love and the commitment to bring our full blueprints to fruition, and I am so looking forward to learning from all your perspectives to expand my own. The New Testament is focused on the like minded uniting together and supporting each other as well, and I anticipate meeting so many new people, just as Teilhard foretold, where the intuited world embraces and manifests in the physical one and for the second time in the history of the world we discover fire, the fire of love.

I would like to end with a caveat…When I speak of being on higher ground and having a vantage point of seeing paths below, I am shifting to living on a higher plane more as “up” rather than simply being “out” on the water…that is intentional. I am not saying in any way that my placing is any way hierarchical, or “better than”… because I’m not saying that at all. What I am saying, however, is that I did the work, often with great effort and commitment and the results of that effort brought me to where I am standing right now…and I will never apologize for that. I earned this vantage point, which is a very unique one for that matter,. There are plenty of others who chose an easier path, and I take no issue with that, as Paul says when he speaks about the different gifts necessary in building the body of Christ. I always wanted to push the limits of present reality and make the most out of every adventure, that has always been my prayer and I believe to the depth of my soul that that prayer was and will continue to be answered. And as evolution pushes us all forward, I will continue to be the God of Love’s whisperer, sharing all that I learn through words and art, regardless of how it sounds to anyone else…time will tell, I suppose, and I am fine with that too. To those of you who have put in the effort of forging new untraveled paths, you know my words are true and consistent and I will continue to pray for you and send you love. Love is the way…the only way we can all reach our destinations, and I plan on helping to lead the way in any way the God of Love deems appropriate for me. I also promise to those I send love to, that will I strive to become an even stronger conduit for you all to become shining lights to the world.

Lies and Living on a Higher Plane

Today is my mother’s 95th birthday, as well as my country’s 250th birthday…both fill me with conflicting emotions, hence the subject of this post.

This is an uncomfortable topic for me, I admit, given my history, and I also admit that I am not always adept at knowing when someone is lying to me or not. I usually take people at face value in the beginning…assuming they presumptively tell the truth, especially since most people want to put their best foot forward right away (and yes, I know, some lie about that too). And because I often feel like I’ve been thrown into a game where everyone else knows the rules except me, I do pay attention to what follows afterwards to see if their behavior is consistent with the words that come out of their mouths and how they treat other people. I have spoken before of being a person with no filters, so I believe that I am borderline incapable of the kind of deception that creates a persona that doesn’t really exist, and it kind of freaks me out at how good some people are at creating a whole new external facade than what truly lies underneath. And while I used to see that as a weakness, perhaps it is one of my greatest strengths. Modern culture thrives on the fabricated and presents people who society should mirror as smooth and sparkly in the attempt to create a template of the flavor of the moment, both for what a person “should” be and then offer the kinds of products or ideologies that can make the rest of us sparkly as well (I’m not just speaking here in the US, but globally). There is also the flip side to this negative worldly influence on those authentically smooth and sparkly people who just want to shine their blueprint and are obstructed or inhibited to do so by the tendency of masses of individuals who obsess over, and idolize their gifts and talents rather than use that influence as inspiration to develop their own. Putting someone up on a pedestal above the rest does nothing to help anyone’s authenticity, since we are all of the same fabric. While its true we all have different gifts, and are on a spectrum of how they are developed and used in the world, remember, we are all on this journey together and it is incumbent upon us all to do our fair share. It’s more than appropriate to celebrate the talents people are born with and the hard work they’ve put in when sharing those gifts to the world, it’s quite another to anchor oneself to them and emotionally feed off them like a vampire…they end up depleted, and leave many gifts left undeveloped.

Since I started this journey so many years ago, I have learned to listen to my gut, my intuition, my native good judgement a lot (even if sometimes it takes a beat). All the lessons that I have learned along the way were hard won, and have taught me to let go of illusions and falsehoods that have cluttered my life for so long, so believe me when I say that the most important requirement of living on a higher plane is rejecting all that bullshit the world is trying to shove down our throats that corrupts who God created us to be. Maybe I was lucky to be born the way I was, without smooth and sparkly attributes, because I’ve learned that life isn’t supposed to be like that, and there is no magic product or social construct that can make us perfect except for adhering to who and what were created to be in the first place…and I firmly believe that God created us intentionally, with the exact gifts necessary to fulfill/complete the journey we were placed here to make to not only evolve personally, but to use our gifts to evolve humanity, the only necessity for growth being love, and learning to wield it in the world. And I will say that most of my grief at the moment is recognizing how much energy, from important people in my life was put into keeping my own blueprint from shining (which I truly believe is the result when the illusion of one comes face to face with the authenticity of another). Rather than seeing it as an Achilles’ heal, though, I have chosen to see it as a strength, one that has made me even more forceful (my badass butterflyness), and more dedicated to following the path God has laid before me. I have come to understand that there is a power in being unknown and pretty much invisible, because better than most, I can grow unimpeded by all the vacuous enticements out there…like clothing that shrouds rather than enhances our true selves, they just don’t fit me, like ever.

As far as wielding love in the world to establish, grow, and shine our blueprints, it is more of a logical than mystical process than people would think, and also a mechanism to determine if someone is being truthful or not. I have spoken before of using logic when referencing leadership and love, and if you pay attention, you begin to realize that putting faith in either one has to be rooted in the truth of beginning with if how you present yourself to the world. So, instead of looking at whether an argument is valid, let’s use logic to determine if a person is being valid. If someone presents themselves as one thing, but behaves in ways that are contrary, they are not who they say they are. Even if a person truly believes the illusion they present to the world, (for a host of reasons from no self knowledge, to the more nefarious) the truth of that illusion will be exposed eventually, because that is the nature of truth. Let me be clear, self knowledge is not only hard because it is entangled in all the past damage/hurt/fears that have come before, but also because the world itself encourages so many of us, in order to be successful or thrive, to become something “other” to be acceptable. The result is that there are too many people out there who aren’t clued into their authentic selves, and that they don’t really know or understand the gifts they bring to the world that are not only meant to drive the passion for their path forward, but build the connections with others they were meant to influence and affect. I know how arrogant that sounds, I really do, but I’ve been at this game (and it is a game, of sorts) long enough and been dismantled down to the bones enough to recognize that authenticity is one of the fundamental rules of living on a higher plane and moving evolution toward the Love that initiated everything.

Choosing to reject the world’s illusions has always been an essential part of my journey, so choosing to live on a higher plane, then, ups the ante even more. Walking unhindered by a host of things that can obscure or twist the blueprint we were created to be is even more necessary out on “the water” because gaining a solid proprioception is impossible when covered in illusion, or rooted in falsehoods, because then a person cannot walk unhindered, they just sink. I can’t become a facsimile of the person I was created to be, as dictated by societal appropriateness and expectation, or bypass the work of evolution by pretending to be something I am not, because it not only inhibits my ability to successfully live my truth and bear good fruit from the gifts I was born with, it completely corrupts them. The true path to shining one’s unique light on a higher plane has to be based on the perfect creation the God of Love intended you to be, flaws and all, societal acceptance be damned. To choose otherwise, decreases your ability to shine your unique light at its brightest, which in my mind is the same as allowing the darkness to dim your light (or as Jesus said, hide it under a bushel basket). It also means that whatever comes out of our mouths must also be the truth as we know it at the time, because as we all know, developing our “blueprint” as I call it is an evolving proposition, as the truth of the world expands its presence. We all have to be willing to make mistakes, and to fail at times, to be sure, but mistakes for the sake of evolving is what is required. We have to be willing to embrace our own personal dishevelment and look foolish for the sake of growth, and still focus on how our unique talent helps the whole lot of us evolve. The connections we make, demand truth, demand our authentic selves. Lies, illusions, and all the subterfuge that come with modern living will ruin those connections. I should know, I have first hand experience…both of being lied to and trying to conform myself to what I believe the world thinks is appropriate…and I don’t really like it, so acknowledging those experiences, I chalk them up to learning to love unequivocally with even more power. To wielding love I am dedicated and sure…and I will never break the promises I’ve made to those I choose to love and send love to…the Savior didn’t, and neither will I…whatever the expression.

Prayers for You on my Birthday

It is that time of year again…I made it yet another cycle around the sun, although this last year was packed with, well, more than anything I’ve experienced on this journey I’ve travelled so far combined. For someone who proclaims how easy faith in the God of Love is for me (you know how some are naturally good at science or sports) this natural proclivity was tested at every measure, and I think I came out the other end even more adept…time will certainly tell. Add six months of my next theme, “living on a higher plane”, which is mind blowing (to me anyway) and wouldn’t have been remotely possible without all the ways my faith had been tested (and continues to be, part of evolution, I guess). So here I am, in all my dishevelment, (made even harder because I despise selfies, or any pictures in general…with no makeup, all sweaty, with the humidity wrecking havoc on my hair, which in this weather is pulled back 90% of the time, because of curls and cowlicks in all the wrong places) because this unequivocal and unfiltered state is my new normal. Per usual at this time of year, let me take a moment to send out prayers to all of you “trajectories” I’ve sent love to over my lifetime. Whether you know it or not, you all helped keep me on this journey as well as expand my own small blueprint helping to add my unique song and light to the world.

I was born at 6:40 in the morning, so today I got up early (it is Saturday, after all) and at that moment sent of blast of love outward into the world to all of you, in the hopes that the ripple will add to your individual beautiful blueprints in facing your day. Never forget the Savior’s promise that whatever you ask for in goodness, shall be given to you. So extend that same prayer to your own trajectories. You’re welcome. Here is my prayer, (in general, some are private)

I pray that the light you share to the world through your unique and exclusive gifts are magnified tenfold sending not just ripples, but waves of love out into the world

I pray that you make sacred even the simplest of actions you perform today and everyday because you never know how they will influence or affect another.

I pray that you love unequivocally, fully and freely without conditions or expectation of return, and watch its beautiful influence in your world. Losing yourself to love increases you, and never diminishes you because love is an inexhaustible and continuous energy.

I pray that you surround yourself with those you have tamed, and who have tamed you and strengthen those connections for any trials and tribulations to come, asking for help and support when you need it…especially from the God of Love who always has our backs. None of us were meant to take this journey alone.

I pray, most importantly that you really come to know and understand that Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Believing the above statement alone, is the key to living happily on a higher plane, where walking on water is the new norm, where we can face the unknown with confidence, balance, with grace, together.

I’m off, to celebrate me!

Seeing Through Shadows on a Higher Plane

I took the above picture initially so I could gage what flowers to purchase to decorate our back patio on the edge of our beautiful woods where I tend to spend a lot of time in the summer. I noticed the interesting shadows, and retook it from another angle…the picture almost appears to have a large demon/monster towering over me (I am covered in a huge blanket, since it was cold that day, and no I am not in a wheelchair, but a high top bar chair sipping iced tea. 😉 ). It made me laugh, but also made me think. How often do we give credence to looming shadows in our lives and allow them to instill fear in us? Except when we really look at them from multiple angles, allow light to disassemble them or ask those we love for another perspective, they become nothing like what we feared they would be. I am guilty of succumbing to fear initially, but am also diligent in shifting direction and shedding light upon them. The operative word here, is “light”. With so many shadows that creep up on all of us every day, given how deeply invested the shadow masters of the world are into keeping us steeped in illusion (you know all the liars and wolves in sheep’s clothing out there), it does take a continuous commitment to the truth, to love, to having faith in a future free from those illusory fears that often impede our movement forward, especially in a world that is filled with an increasing and evolving reality. I have experienced first hand that I cannot face the darkness alone, and that, in and of itself, is releasing a shadow over me. It is often with herculean effort that I release the kinds of shadows that trap me into thinking that I am alone on this journey every single day, and ask for validation, for additional help from those I trust, and the support necessary to see things clearly as I move forward. Face it, we need each other, and while stating that may seem simple and obvious, asking for it, not only from heaven, but to someone’s face can feel heroic. So, be a hero…ask for what you need.

Heroism on a Higher Plane

Today is Father’s Day. I miss mine every day, and am comforted that he is watching over me spiritually and extending prayers my way. And while I can’t comprehend how, I do sense and feel his presence when most needed, and it also brought to mind the subject matter of this post. So, before I begin thoughts on heroism, let me share another caveat of being in an uncomfortable social situation, and asking for, and receiving validation. Like the last social event I spoke about, making the choice to act as my evolving self, and humbly asking for help to do so, I had another fortuitous encounter with my recent past. The venue where this social event was held looked remarkably like the venue of my son’s wedding, the memories of which brought me so much love and happiness. It turns out, both venues are owned my the same people (the properties are hundreds of miles apart), and for that reason I felt calmer…but that wasn’t the end, the same two bartenders, mother and daughter who served us so efficiently at Riley and Bri’s wedding were there. She recognized Steve and I and the moment felt heaven sent, as we were gathering to sit for dinner, (dinner placement is always unnerving for me, since I have no control and have to sit where I am told) she came running around the bar and gave me a big hug. We chatted and she remembered so fondly that day, how we teamed together to make sure all the bridesmaids drank water in between open bar cocktails…Isn’t that remarkable? How extending simple love does make an impact on a person. She wanted to give me her card in case we ever needed them for another event, because the venue we presently were at was just sold, and this was her last event there, so fortuitous!. Any way, just another example of how wielding love does make a difference, and love itself came around to give me another big hug for doing so.

Teilhard describes human existence as a heroic evolving quest, having the courage to push evolution forward by embracing the physical world, harnessing the “energies of love,” and willingly enduring suffering for the greater good. He believed it is far more “heroic” to dive into the work of the world—science, politics, and daily labor—and sanctify those actions instead of looking down on them like traditional religions tend to. Jesus displays this notion clearly by disassembling traditional understandings of power and redefines heroism from a focus on power, strength, and glorification of conquer, to a model based on love, humility, service to others, and self sacrifice. Jesus also says that the greatest show of heroism is to sacrifice personal preferences and safety for the sake of another, and to break the cycle of violence and vengeance by doing good for those who hate us and pray for those who persecute us. A difficult skill to master, assuredly, which is why it is all so important to master it in the everyday. Just like you can’t climb a mountain without the rigor of training, nor can you be your best hero without the same kind of diligence.

That is what my father represented to me. He wasn’t perfect, he knew that, but he showed up everyday, and committed to the kind of qualities Jesus preached about. He was one of the few men in my life who actually saw me, and loved me for it. He desired the best for me, and while in the end he questioned whether or not he was successful, the fact that he was committed to being a hero according to his faith for all those he came in contact with certainly made him a hero in my eyes. Happy Father’s Day!

Simple Love

This post may sound a bit unlike my usual intensity, a slight deviation from usual workings of my brain, but I think it’s necessary sometimes to step outside of oneself and try something new. Waking in the wee hours of the morning, overwhelmed by the energy in my heart and mind of the love that propels me forward and invigorates my soul (that often comes in the throws of creating a painting) where the practice and practicality of expressing it at the moment was pretty limited, I usually try to pray and send that energy outward into the world to all those I love and pray for. However, this time it wasn’t really effective, so I got up, and decided to try a new tactic. Love is energy, and the more I learn about, and embrace it, the more I feel like a conduit that is ready to explode if I don’t share it. So today, I decided to take that energy and infuse it in every action I performed, from cleaning, to grocery shopping, to engaging with everyday people in everyday ways, and to try and see and approach these tasks and interactions and transform them into something more. Yes, I am aware that my mind works a bit differently from most, but strangely? I did feel different as I walked in my world today, and I don’t think it was my imagination. People do respond differently when you try to incorporate the “love” energy in all you do. It was pleasant. It was moving. It was validation that I am definitely onto to something here. The love is real, it is palpable and efficacious. While it may go under the radar for most people, I am good at reading faces, and the responses I received seemed to be happy ones. Imagine if we all did this in our simple interactions every day. I think we change the tide for how the world moves forward…for all of us. One of the last things I did, was share a bit of love to myself by getting a pedicure. The whole experience was magical (and I admit, I get them all the time and usually sitting that long and feet touching is uncomfortable for me). I was lucky to get someone at the last minute, who I remembered I sold a piece of jewelry to a few years ago, and she was happy I remembered who she was…I could feel that simple love as she massaged my legs and feet. It was subtly transformative. I see why the washing of feet in the Gospel was such a moving experience for Jesus to share with people.

In a time where we focus on the “big” impacts of love, we can’t dismiss the simple and subtle ones either. Massaging the tension out of one’s life does make a difference, whether it is by using words or our hands. It was a good day. Tomorrow, practice simple love, you won’t regret it.

Weathering Turbulence

The above is a painting I’m working on which calms me a great deal while I forge ahead with building and sharing my gifts. I’ve placed some of my jewelry in a local boutique, and am finalizing details of the installation of my paintings in the public library during the month of July…both of which while great, still make me a little sick to my stomach.

Not that I believed living on a higher plane would be smooth sailing, or a simple exercise in mastering my sea legs…but I didn’t expect this kind of turbulence, especially the kind that nobody else can see, but those who choose to live on a higher plane. I hated writing that last sentence, because it sounds so pretentious, but really, its the opposite. The turbulence comes from the interactions and situations I am presented with, where I can’t unknow what I know now and am forced to choose between the person I was, or the person that I am in the moment, or the person who, in continuous evolution, I really desire to become, meaning every movement forward is a conscious choice between who I am going to be in that exact moment. I’m exhausted, and yet determined to never go backwards…so far, so good (except when I’m alone and I spill or break shit and swear like a sailor…that hasn’t changed). I’m not talking about the overthinking that I sometimes get trapped in…it is those obvious moments where I instinctively know there is a choice to make. The evolution also hasn’t been without help. I’ve had enough smacks on the head from God over my lifetime to remind me to ask for Love’s help when I need it, or to reach out to those I trust to ask for help too, and I’m getting better at it.

I was in a particular unsettling situation recently, ( for me anyway) when I needed a reminder that I was indeed a good person, who does good things, and has made a difference for good in my own way. So being aware that I was in a vulnerable place and didn’t want to backslide, or just coast through, I asked God for a little validation in the physical world from my trajectories, and it came…but not from where I thought it would. I recognized one of my old students at this social gathering, (I had to look him up on Facebook to make sure I didn’t embarrass myself, and it was him) I approached him and said Hello, and it was wonderful! It’s nice to not only be remembered, but to be remembered so fondly and then be introduced as his mentor, and have him share with me how much I have helped him in his life, especially with his faith, well, it made my heart full, and that one validation circumvented those who didn’t. It felt fortuitous that our paths crossed in the way it did and I am thankful to God for that. Accepting that we are all works in progress, evolving at our own pace is what I needed to be reminded of in that moment so I could learn to better deal with any turbulence that comes my way in the future, as well as be supportive of others during their turbulent times. It takes practice to be vulnerable and ask for help, and not look at it like its a weakness, because needing help is a simple facet of being human, and the quicker we all understand and embrace that notion, the quicker we can all evolve forward.

I told someone recently that everyone needs a place where they can feel safe to get all messy and emotional as we work through leaving our past selves behind and not be judged or rejected for it. It’s certainly what I want from those I choose to love, and expect from those who choose to love me. Regardless of my whirling dervish nature, I am worthy of that kind of safety as are those whom I have tamed, not only in the physical world, but the spiritual world as well, because we are forever responsible for those we tame, and also because that is what unequivocal love looks like in my book and it is the only way we keep moving forward together.

Before the Storm

I’m on my way to see my mother for the first time since she was placed in memory care. The above picture is full of trepidation, sleep deprivation and my last look in case I don’t make it out alive…Even though I feel pretty calm and almost resigned, it’s crazy the level of fear that she inspired in me my whole life, the remnants of which still lie deep beneath the surface and in the last 24 hours have come out sideways. I simply don’t understand the tendency for people to shut down, pull away or a host of other responses when someone goes to great lengths to give them their love, without reservation or strings. I guess, I will never understand it and I have chosen to love anyway…and not just in this instance, or with this person. I won’t ever be one who allows someone else to determine how I move forward, I’ve come too far, regardless of how confusing and awkward it may feel.. Anyway…pray for me.

So…I think the prayers worked, and I dodged a bullet. While I was meeting with my sister and talking about how to navigate the visit if things went awry, the nurse at my mother’s facility called and because of an incident, I couldn’t visit her (and for my safety). Obviously, while it was fortuitous that she called, I was frustrated and sad (hence the post pic, after some tears and a bit of comfort). I know I look like shit, so don’t judge. Gonna lose myself in a new painting I’m starting and sending her soul some love.

Reaping What We Sow and Standing Together

I feel like I’m at a pivotal point in my journey forward. Leaving false humility aside, I cried like a baby when the above painting was finished, it was a soul wrenching experience of beauty for me. After a bit more than seven days of its creation, when I was done with it, I soaked it in and deemed that it was good (the reference to the creation story was intentional). The gifts that I have been blessed with are beginning to manifest in a powerful way, standing as proof that all that has come before in my past is a result of the painstaking work of getting my hands dirty cultivating and building my house, my blueprint, on solid rock that will withstand all that the world may throw my way (even amidst the walking on water images I use, my “building of stone” floats easily 😉 ) . Most importantly, I have not done this on my own, in fact, none of us have. No gift, or fruit, regardless of its goodness is a result of a solitary effort, but comes from a myriad of sources, many of which remain in the background. I suppose it is why I harp so much on the idea that we are all connected, that we are all of consequence and are all essential in moving evolution forward. In the center of all of this is the faith I have in the uncompromising affirmation of a personal God, who provides for and loves us with watchful care and who’s love is revealed through the wakening of souls and bringing us together. It is through learning to love unequivocally and allowing myself to be loved that cracked my soul wide open, and it is in awareness of, and gratitude for this experience that has readied me for whatever is to come next.

Jesus shares a powerful parable after the end of his sermon on the mount where he lays out behaviors that are necessary to be known as one of his disciples. In a cautionary way he warns them against false prophets who come to them in sheep’s clothing saying by their fruits you will know them, that it is impossible to pick grapes from a thistle or thornbush, essentially meaning a bad tree cannot bear good fruit, only a good tree can do that. Goodness can only come a store of goodness, evil comes from a store of evil…its as simple as that. He likens being known by good fruit as to building a house on solid rock that can withstand all the pressures and scrutiny that life may bring. The building of which, by abiding Jesus’ teaching, is as important as the fruit itself. I am responsible for “the tree” and “the building” and keeping it good, according to Jesus’ teachings, how the world sees and grows from my gifts…well that remains to be seen. But as I always say, to quote Julian of Norwich: All will be well, all things shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. Shine that blueprint of yours! I am praying for you and sending unequivocal love your way.

A Rare Revision

Ok, you know how I said living on a higher plane meant there were no limits anymore? The above picture is just the perfect example of the quick karmic turnaround that happens when I get it…a bit wrong. I know I want to embrace the passion I had as a youth for just going for it…and I still do, with this qualification: it doesn’t mean I can throw common sense to the wind. I love movement and working out, and yesterday I amped it up and while I won’t go into details…it appears that my body, specifically my right knee wasn’t too happy about it…especially my knee cap which stopped tracking correctly and boom, is now swollen and sore(thankfully, no permanent damage). It appears, that with Love there is no risk…there is risk when it comes to understanding the frailty of our human structure. I’m embarrassed, I should know better, especially when it comes to handling the accumulation of damage I’ve done to my body over the years, while still embracing a healthy regimen of exercise. I have been schooled, and now forced to sit still, apply cold laser, and ARP (a tens unit on steroids). At least my art will keep me occupied. Pray for me.

Risk on a Higher Plane

I love Michelle Obama…she inspires me, and I really needed the inspiration this week, so I decided to paint her portrait…there is much still to be done…but I am excited about the progress so far.

After a rough couple of days falling prey to particularly painful and familiar emotional triggers, I literally bolted up in the night and suddenly said out loud, “this will not do”. I cannot live my life on a higher plane tripping over the same responses I have to situations that appear hard, hurtful, beyond my power and control, or deceptive. None of what I’m doing on this journey matters if the emotions ruling the moment are rooted entirely in someone else’s choices and behavior. In this instance, I acknowledged the limitations of my perspective and focused only on my choices, my behavior, my truth and then responded accordingly. I am no longer in the boat where fear and typical colloquial human behaviors rule, because I stepped out onto the water awhile ago, and the rules of survival here require that I let go of the old risk assessments that ruled my life and I must put into practice all that I’ve learned up until this point. It suddenly became clear to me, that if living on a higher plane is to be a real way of life and not just a hopeful pipe dream or philosophical fodder, I have to embrace the necessary spiritual proprioception that allows me to move smoothly into the future. I have to practice the belief’s I hold, whole heartedly, which means acknowledging the risks I’ve been fearful of simply don’t exist anymore. There. Is. No. Risk. Anymore. None of what I do from this point forward matters if I’m not all in with respect to the promises extended to me by the God of Love. Loving unequivocally means embracing that power fully and allowing it to be the force that drives my life forward and that another’s fear won’t sway me away from the love I already know is in my heart. I’ve worked too long and hard over these past years evolving this blueprint of mine, not to trust the journey at this point, and while I also may not understand all the who, what and why’s of everything that have happened thus far, the result is that I do love and wield love with so much more color, passion, and hope than ever before, and I certainly don’t want that to stop. While expressions change, the power of Love does not.

For a long time I have become so cautious that I can’t help but trip over myself over and over…which, if we are all being truthful, is a common experience that most of us learn to do after a lifetime of accumulating bumps and bruises. Following Jesus command to step out onto the water with him has brought me back to my childhood and youth where throwing caution to the wind was the natural way go to. While I still respect limitations, (age and wisdom will do that) I am also choosing to believe that if I let Love guide me, move me and light up this path I’m on, I will have all the protection I need, whatever challenges are presented. I also pray every day for those whom I love and send love to that they know they will be protected too…and because life on the water is glorious.

Symbols on a Higher Plane

My father loved elephants and collected them most of his life. My children inherited the collection, and while cleaning out the last remnants of my mother’s apartment, these two jade beauties came home with me until they are claimed. Elephants have been present in my mind and dreams lately, and are a spiritual link to my dad. As I’ve said before, I’ve always been a vivid dreamer, and in my study of world religions and psychology, developed a deep understanding of the symbology of dreams. Often in my work with youth, who occasionally described their vivid dreams to me in counseling, I would help give them possible insight into the messages of their unconscious, which I believe are meant to help and guide us, to navigate issues, often the intangible, illusive and emotional parts of us that, while part of our waking life, often escape the clarity needed to bring understanding into our lives. Looking into my own dreams has always been very instructive…especially those that wake me up with such a sudden clarity, that there is no question as to its meaning. After the emotional turmoil of the last couple of weeks, last night’s dream let me know that I am exactly on the right track.

I was in a crowd of people that I didn’t know (per usual) and I was taking a phone call on an ancient deep blue cellphone given to me by a caterer for a big event who wanted to make sure she could reach me (not sure why I was chosen). The call revolved around two families who couldn’t be more different, and she was asking for my help to navigate the situation. The scene shifted to what I was doing at the time, which was getting on a boat and moving into a sound that was bordered by two large hills. I told her I had to go, hung up the phone and then witnessed something so amazing I used the phone’s old camera to get pictures of what transpired. Standing at the front of the boat, in a Titanic-like moment, I looked to my left and saw a huge oversized elephant, and white tiger, and a normal sized water buffalo. They all ran down the hill and dived into the deep water toward me. A huge green and yellow elephant shaped building came out of the center of the water, as these huge animals came forward to stop them from running into the boat. I was never afraid, but totally amazed, and regardless of the age of the phone, wanted to document it somehow because it was so unbelievable. When I woke, I knew exactly what the dream meant to me, and felt such a huge relief, resolve and renewed commitment to this journey that I am on.

Sometimes the war between my rational and logical brain gets tangled up in all the emotional struggles that present themselves in my life. As I have said before, the emotional aspects of my life are largely my weakest point, and I am working diligently to get that emotional intelligence up to speed, so I can be more balanced as I move forward. The clearest point of the dream, (although most of the other details are for me alone) is that while in my life I was experiencing a clash between overwhelming pressures, fears, pushing against my deepest instincts, the elephants represent a safe haven of wisdom and protection, and by the color and nature of the building…an unshakeable foundation. The color green represents healing, growth and renewal, while yellow signifies joy, intellect and clarity. The shape of the building is important because it suggests that I am made safe by my own inner strength and wisdom and I can trust my instincts to shield myself from the turmoil of the moment. Because this dream came to me after the final clearing out of my mother’s apartment, putting to rest and finally being able to release all the weight of the past, I know that however I move forward will be rooted in my own strengths and lessons learned. I know I am more capable than I give myself credit for, especially regarding moving into a future that is full of unknowns and intangibles, and it seemed apropos that my validation came in dream form. Teilhard viewed the “dreams” of humanity and mystics not merely as nighttime visions, but as a profound psychological and spiritual drive toward unity with the divine. I have always trusted my dreams, they have never led me astray before, and I’m not about to lose faith in them now.

Appreciating symbols, dreams, instinct and intuition as central a tenet of living on a higher plane is as important as trusting what you see and hear with your very own eyes and all that the rational world presents. We are first, as humans, spiritual beings having a human experience that demands the appreciation and embracing of both the inner and outer worlds. The job of all of us is to reconcile both expressions as necessary parts of being all that we were intended to be. Whenever I waiver in trusting my gut…I think of this great line from “‘The Little Prince”: it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Truth on a Higher Plane

The above picture is my mother, nee Ruth Gleason, on her high school graduation day, a picture I had never seen, but was tucked away in all her stuff. The second is a ruby ring I made for her, also tucked away. I will now wear it as a reminder to think positive thoughts…about her and try to understand her., and me, I guess

It’s been a minute. Today is Mother’s Day, and while my mother is safe at her new residence, she is still so angry at all of us that the director there requested a no contact put in place for all of her children until she settles in so they don’t have to move her to a facility that deals with overly combative patients, especially since her delusions are still very front and center she still refuses to take the medications that will help her brain. While continuing to purge my mother’s apartment yesterday, my sisters and I were talking about how sad we were not to send flowers or visit her on Mother’s Day, (regardless of our feelings, we have never missed a one), I suggested we buy a beautiful plant and card that was simply signed: “Happy Mother’s Day, from all of us”. That way she could believe what ever she needed to, as to who sent it, and would put a smile on her face. I do want her to have a happy day, and whether or not I think it is true, she is proud to be a mother and grandmother, and I was taught to honor my parents. There is a post I wrote about my father before he passed that is quite popular, and I suddenly wondered what I would write when Ruth passed. It will be difficult, because I won’t be that person who waxes philosophically, full of platitudes simply because the moment requires me to say nice things, we never had that kind of relationship. But, I also know that all evolution is predicated on what went before us and to a large significance, I am who I am because of her. She is a gifted woman…intelligent, social, hard working, passionate about justice, and very committed to her Catholic faith. As I mentioned, my siblings and I have been clearing out my mother’s apartment, and oh my…the accumulation of stuff she has is mind boggling. I actually thought we had taken care of much of it when we cleared out my parents house and sold it almost a decade ago. She had boxes in storage that she hasn’t touched in a decade, with the demand that we keep them after she was gone (like every card she has ever received). My first thought was that she did this to remind us that she was popular, regardless of, well, whatever. All this (including about a thousand selfie-style pictures of she and my dad in random places), which to me felt like a true reflection of her life and treasure, went to recycling, because for the most part, they meant nothing to anyone else, but her. The furniture and decorations will be donated. There were a few things left that my brother and sisters all shared, and were things I’m positive she wouldn’t understand why they held any meaning for us like her high school graduation picture, or the ruby ring I made for her (because mostly they were packed away in boxes in her storage unit and not in a place where she could enjoy them). Anyway, it led me to today’s post, and I don’t say this lightly; truth on a higher plane can’t be rooted in the kind of figments of our imagination that supersede the truth of the life that we actually live, and what still lies ahead. While my hope is that once she settles in, my mother will be able to share in the love that her children have always had for her when we visit…if not, the truth of her life will become, like scripture taught us, a clanging gong or symbol and there isn’t anything I can do about that. She is worthy of love, and her life was filled with interesting things, and this post is in no way meant to disparage her, but to be a lesson for both of us on how to precede forward. So what about truth for the rest of us?

As I have shared in an earlier post, Teilhard saw the universe as an “unfinished” creation, moving toward greater complexity and consciousness. He also viewed truth not as a static dogma, but as an evolving, unified reality where science and faith converge. As a priest and a scientist, he believed that evolution is the process by which God culminates in a “Christ” consciousness (the Omega Point) that integrates all scientific and spiritual truth. He had no problem seeing that a search for truth was to be a joyful active exploration of an often time messy, yet vital potential of God’s creation, which was controversial at the time, given how obsessed the church was with original sin and the true nature of God…which Jesus showed us was love, love, love. He also believed that what I now call living on a higher plane (the Noosphere for Teilhard) truth itself is not static, but evolving and has two criteria: coherence and fecundity (consistent, logical integration of diverse elements that result in a productive expression of fruitfulness).

Jesus taught us that the Kingdom of Heaven is not of this world, therefore truth does not come from earthly systems or power structures, but a higher spiritual realm and that truth brings freedom, not just from sin, but from the limitations of deception, fear, and human insecurity that are often imposed by human systems and power structures. Life with Christ is depicted as a higher plane characterized by overflowing forgiveness, unconditional love, and spiritual guidance rather than just physical reality laid in front of us. This is where truth on a higher plane can be difficult…because it is the foundation of bringing into existence, the intuited belief, hope and enduring love that we hold in our hearts. It is manifesting an evolving global creation that integrates all our creative connections and personal gifts/paths that are a productive expression of the Body of Christ, rooted in a love that hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things and never fails. What that exactly looks like is largely left up to how we, collectively, decide to define and live it. And like the relationship with my aging mother, there is a lot of reflection left for me to do that is necessary to find the goodness and truth necessary to evolve forward.

I also feel inclined to add that on my social media feeds, my algorithms have developed to show me things that I enjoy, make me laugh, are instructive, am passionate and feel deeply about, there is also a lot of garbage passing through that is completely contrary to any thing that even remotely interests or excites me, and is actually deeply offensive (true to the nature of the nooshere that includes both good and bad). To this, I am reminded of a dream I had last year when while looking for my car, I found a woman standing in front of it smugly holding my keys toward me in her outstretched hand, and I screamed in her face to give me back my motherfucking keys, that I was going to change the world’s weather (butterfly effect). I grabbed the keys from her hand, loving the surprised expression on her face and drove away, fast with music blaring. Regardless of the bullshit passing as truth about me that exists out there in cyber world…I will never be appropriated into something I am not. I am unequivocal about that…and how I choose to love and live my truth on a higher plane is mine, and mine alone and no one can change that…it is simply how truth on a higher plane works. No one will ever stand in the way of that. Love’s expressions, when we let it lead and drive our movement forward, and not society, or the liars that lie, or those rooted in fear, will help truth evolve for each of us and enrich all our lives on a higher plane.

The Secret of Success

So between a shit show and shining success…that is the attitude of what yesterday and today felt like, to which I write with a quick deviation from instruction on learning to live on a higher plane, because I’m not all too sure that what I feel at the moment is actually representative of living on a higher plane. To start, the day of the move to memory care ( and the day of my show) was laden with anxiety, mostly for my sisters who were on site, directing the move right under my mother’s nose (first time I’ve name her as THE family member), and me not being present, because I had committed to participate in an art show, feeling powerless to help in any way. At about an hour before I was done with my first day showing and selling my art, I started getting emergency phone calls dispatched from my mother’s life link button she wears around her neck. I spent the last portion of the show walking back in forth in the parking lot desperately trying to, and and delicately explaining to this company not to dispatch the emergency crew because she was safe at her new memory care facility, and was just unhappy with her circumstances. Finally, in a hysterical laughing, crying way…I just had to tell the truth, that my mother would continue to push this button because it was “her means” to call her husband, Elon Musk to whom he had given her full responsibility to distribute his money, to come and get her. I could hear silence on the other end, and then a choking voice (I knew she was covering up her laughter) that she would transfer me to her supervisor. Once connected, the same funny noise came, when she read the explanation of her underling, and I had to interject and say out loud, that yes, I knew it was crazy, and yes, it was it was ok to laugh…to which she let out the loudest guffaw I have ever heard. Her response: Mam, this is the singular best story I have ever heard in this job (most of the details, I did not share here). She closed the account and even gave me a refund. for the rest of the year…to which the full staff at her new place and my sisters now think I am a rock star (because the staff finally witnessed, first hand, the transformation that we, my siblings, all knew personally that was akin to the most frightening horror story character ever created). In this moment, and I know I’m not being kind and loving unequivocally and I’m OK with that, given how this ordeal unfolded, I am not sorry for it, I released a huge burden. And if God happens to give me a smack of karma, I’m ok with that too. The true heroes of this story are my sisters and the people that have to deal with her now. We all did the best we could for her to honor my dad’s promise and keep her safe, and now realize she has made her bed and well….enough said.

The other side of the last two days is the pride I felt when so many people were amazed and impressed with my art. I received an invitation to display some of my pieces at the new libraries’ artists gallery wall this summer and also met a wonderful gallery owner who is excited to what we can do in the future. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I felt pride at my ability to squelch the fear that started to rise up when I accepted the invitation at the library and also when I told the other gallery owner I would be proud to have her present one or more of my pieces in her space. There was also an artist who saw the piece I did called, “A portrait of an artist at rest” (Wang Yibo), and said that it reminded him of one of Rembrandt’s techniques regarding shading and depth. I absolutely had no fucking idea what he was talking about, and also didn’t tell him that I just acted by the seat of my pants, and simply thought that if I added an iridescent paint to the black it would give the appearance of a velvet background….which means that I guess that the attempt was successful…and even though I didn’t have a clue about anything else that came out of his mouth. I just smiled, like Mona Lisa and shook my head in the affirmative. Also, both my brother, (who came in from Florida) and my youngest sister came up to see me, in leu of seeing my mother and I was so shocked and pleased because my brother had never seen my art in person before. So, as far as I’m concerned at the moment, I am happy that I stood on my own two feet and weathered both storms…my mother and my own fear of success. I still have one more day to show tomorrow, but somehow I already feel like I’ve won and passed the test, because I know my mother is now safe, regardless of how angry she is…and I believe that am really good at what I do, end of story, which leaves me better equipped to live and love on a higher plane.

One quick epilogue that I am amending to this post…I added a picture of a little hedgehog who picked out a piece of jewelry…my favorite customer of the weekend. Also? I have conflicted feelings about a lot of the gushing about my work…often, I didn’t like it at all, because it felt like the focus was on the wrong thing and was often followed by words like I have no talent, or you are so lucky. I wanted them to be moved by the art, or feel encouraged to make their own or use their own gifts. Regardless of how many times I explained that I only started this a few years ago, and didn’t know what I was doing either, that if they felt a passion for it, they should just try. The important part is in the creation…because it changes the individual as well as the environment…most looked at me like I was nuts…and it made me feel sad. I am even more resolute to bring love into the world one piece of art at a time.