Category: sexuality

No Room for a Saint

Awkward subject to follow…just a head’s up.

When I was a child attending Catholic school, we spent a lot of time learning about the saints, I suppose as an incentive on how to behave as a good Catholic/Christian. What I remember in a general way were that male saints performed heroic deeds in the name of spreading the gospel against those who would try and silence them and often died horrible deaths. For women saints, however, the highlight of their heroic deeds included defending their virginity against those men of power who would forcibly take it from them, and by refusing to do so, also died horrible deaths, or another prerequisite was remaining a virgin because the church decided it was an indication of purity. I made a decision early on that saint hood was definitely NOT for me…best decision of my life. I want to tread carefully here, I DO NOT mean to defame or demean those in history who did what they did for God. But remember what I said about love…that just because you decide an act/behavior/expression is love, doesn’t necessarily make it so. Well, I believe the same goes for the kind of behavior that “the church” had decided was requisite for sainthood…in particular, for women.

Early on in my theological training, especially as I became more knowledgeable in scripture, I saw major contradictions between the interactions Jesus had with women and those historically, who went on to become saints in his defense. I’ll just say out loud what I’ve thought for a long time…Jesus didn’t give a shit about whether a women was a virgin or not. Sure he challenged them to straighten out their lives, but didn’t he challenge everyone to do the same? I think he meant that everyone should live a good and honest life, live up to their greatest potential and choose the greater path (remember the choice offered to Mary when her sister Martha demanded she help serve?). One of my most favorite gospel stories (included in all four), is when a woman, (in one it is Mary, in others she is unnamed and a woman of “ill repute” they are each a bit different) comes to where Jesus and the disciples are dining to wash his feet with her tears, wipe them with her hair and anoint his head with expensive oils…one of the most beautiful images I can recall about an intimate physical and loving expression between Jesus and another woman in scripture. When the men present (the gospels differ, some of the men are his disciples, others those he met along the way, and yet another is a healed leper) are vexed by what she is doing, especially since the oils could have been sold for a great deal of money to help the poor, he chastises them and says she has done a good thing, they offered no hospitality to him, but she did. And then he said the this famous line: “The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me.” I’ve always loved this story, because as a man, Jesus declared that she had shown him “great love”. Mary Magdalene (after who I am named) another woman Jesus loved, stood with and supported Jesus until the very end, at his crucifixion and was the first to see him when he rose from the dead…an apt tribute to her behavior in my book…and it had nothing to do with her virginity, but that they loved each other. Contrary to popular belief, no where in the bible is she described as a prostitute.

I completely understand that in the context of the time and culture in the stories of the early saints, when a woman chose to remain a virgin and unmarried, it was more likely that she did so to retain her own agency and the freedom to live independently and preach and teach the gospel in the way she felt compelled to, and also because as a women she was considered chattel and under the control of a man, whether it be a father or a husband. Jesus openly challenged that antiquated social convention over and over, and it has always made me sad that the church never seemed to embrace his attitude. It has always seemed ridiculous that women were continued to be sanctified by simply abstaining from sex, as if the breaking of her hymen whether by force, culture or marriage somehow made her “less than” or not as pure, it’s not only irrational, but unreasonable in response to the gospel message. That their sainthood rested in protecting their “greatest virtue” from another man’s appropriation of it stymied even my 11 year old self (I clearly wrote about it in my fifth grade diary and please note that I had just “found out” about sex the year before, to which I believe sounded awesome…although I was unsure of the mechanics of it, my passion for David Cassidy at the time led me to believe that I was in for something big and I was 10… and also yes, I was indeed a very strange child). When I became older and studied theology, I was pissed off even more, especially since Jesus never saw the women that surrounded him in that way. I felt the church clearly put the onus on me to be a woman who remained functionally “unexciting” and still preach about love and the gospel. While it was clearly obvious, although unfair, I knew, as I prepared for ministry, it was simply a reality that I had to navigate carefully in a church culture of totally fucked up sexual understanding, value and behaviors. I did “abstain” because it was true that the expectations and standards were different for women than men, and given that I was attractive and dynamic (which is simply a fact, so get over it) I simply kept to those definitions of love, laid out by Paul, and did the best that I could in any given situation to retain the highest integrity that I could. What helped me, in a weird way, was recommitting to the child hood decision I had made that sainthood was definitely not for me. I loved men too much, even though I was completely clueless how to “engage” (but not in any way that was untoward, because deciding that I wasn’t a saint, didn’t mean I rendered null and void the rules of love). The sad truth, beyond the fact that I sucked at it, what often kept me from “dating” a man I liked was what I did for a living: a spiritual and social “cold shower” as it were. More importantly, I truly believe that if God could choose me, a whirling dervish and the antithesis of sainthood, to walk this path as a whisperer of love, then perhaps there were better qualities/gifts I had to focus on rather than worry that I had a fowl mouth, no filters and well, the rest will be unsaid.

Anyway, the reason I bring all this up is another attempt to challenge the draconian cultural rules (total crap) that historically have plagued, mostly women, but also those who express love in different ways, so there is a clearer understanding of how to live on a higher plane. I am no less a disciple of the God of love because of the manner in which I choose to express love. I, and only I, ultimately know whether its source is love or not…no one else. And, I must say with the increasing stories of sexual exploitation and abuse in modern society, we have to hit this bullshit head on. I don’t care how awkward it is. Look at the colossal horror story the Epstein files have created and the damage that has occurred. And the fact that there is so much secrecy and pushback about bringing the perpetrators and the truth to the public is even more reason to address this issue. Like I’ve said countless times before, we are all connected and in this together when it comes to moving into our future and the misguided ideas about sex and sexuality have to be addressed. How we do that is a whole other matter and way above my pay grade, but as a casualty of the distortion of a beautiful expression of love, I do not want any other human being to become collateral damage of the way the darkness has weaponized it.

As I’ve said in many posts this year, we have to decide which cultural rules or the world’s rules (as defined by humans) help us live successfully on a higher plane (which are never defined but discovered by or revealed to humans), and which ones hinder us. I think history has shown, especially through all the arts, that humanity can progress in a way where it is possible to live in the world as well as on a higher plane, but sometimes, however, it doesn’t. So, one of my main goals this year is to offer, rationally, when its time to let go of antiquated or illusory “world” views when it comes to what is necessary to live on a higher plane, especially when it comes to the power of love, and understanding how to wield it according to its true nature: the source of life and what guides and evolves us forward, and sainthood, happily is not a prerequisite. I am not a saint, never was, never will be…I am a simple whisperer for the God of love, a mustard seed, and my small little butterfly wings (although a badass one) will express my love and will change the weather a world away. What gives me faith in this statement? Jesus said that they will know you are my disciples by how you love one another.

Truth…Bringing Sexy Back

bringing sexy back

Today’s post is somewhat tawdry, and deals with some antiquated ideas perhaps, but in this new era where truth is false and falsehood true, I’ve chosen to get a little down and dirty. My intent is to shed a different light and a little humor to point out something about power. And we all know how powerful sex is, right? It sells things, draws attention, allures us and awakens desires. It compels behavior in both good and bad ways. Most importantly, what would the world be like without it? Yet the same goes for truth, what would our world be without it? While studying World Literature, I will always remember the play “Lysistrata” by Aristophanes, the plot of which centers on a woman, Lysistrata who, fed up with the constant fighting and poor decisions of the men in Greece convince the women to withhold sex as leverage to negotiate a peace to the Peloponnesian war. It was one of the few Greek plays that literally made me laugh out loud (especially at a Catholic University)…and yet gave me great pause knowing full well the power of sex in a male dominated culture. (This is not to say the culpability falls on men alone or in general…OK, that’s bullshit, for my purpose here, I am saying exactly that). My friends, wouldn’t it be great if we could connect sex and truth together and harness that same carnal power to force the present culture to negotiate a peace to the war on Truth?

Here is one of my favorite exchanges from the play:

Lysistrata: “Here goes, then; no need to beat around the bush. Ladies, if we’re going to force the men to make peace, we’re going to have to give up—”

Calonice: “Give up what? Tell us.”

Lysistrata: “You’ll do it, then?”

Calonice: “We’ll do it, even if it means our death!”

Lysistrata: “All right. We’re going to have to give up—the prick. Why are you turning away from me? Where are you going? Why are you all pursing your lips and shaking your heads? What means your altered color and tearful droppings? Will you do it or not? What are you waiting for?”

Calonice: “Count me out; let the war drag on.”

and after some convincing…

Calonice: “Well, what if we did abstain from, uh, what you say, which heaven forbid: would peace be likelier to come on that account?”

Lysistrata: “Absolutely, by the Two Goddesses. If we sat around at home all made up, and walked past them wearing only our diaphanous underwear, with our pubes all plucked in a neat triangle, and our husbands got hard and hankered to ball us, but we didn’t go near them and kept away, they’d sue for peace, and pretty quick, you can count on that!”

Lampito: “Like Menelaus! As soon as he peeked at bare Helen’s melons, he threw his sword away, I reckon.“

In a modern twist, wouldn’t it be great to have a campaign to make truth as tantalizing as sex? Wouldn’t that be fantastic? Just think, instead of People magazine coming out with the Sexiest Man/Woman alive issue, they could have the Most Veracious Man/Woman alive. I can see it now, a centerfold of (feel free to pick your favorite flavor, there are plenty of truthful women out there too) Jake Tapper or Chuck Todd stripping away illusion like a well-worn suit, taunting us with tantalizing factual information rooted in multiple and verifiable sources. I had to stop writing for a moment, my blood pressure just skyrocketed. If truth were as powerful as sex, our news programs could begin with seductive, low lights and music…Baum chiki baum, baum…”Good evening I’m Wolf Blitzer (a perfect name for news porn), for tonight’s top story, only new objective and concrete evidence will be discussed and our esteemed panel, suited with lie detector machines will weigh in and get shocked whenever they spin (I had to throw a little 50 shades of Gray thrown in there). Like in Lysistrata, we would recognize the lying liars who lie because of how deprived they behaved. That deprivation, in the play, meant all the men of Greece and Athens suffered from constant chaffing because of, well, you know what rubbing against…let me just say we wouldn’t see Putin riding a horse for any time soon.

The un-augmented would be the fashion, truth tellers the new celebrity. Not hiding behind all the subterfuge would obliterate stress. Sex and truth would be desired equally. When we turned on cable news, we would simply be informed, there would be no need for endless panel discussion any longer unless the focus was pure problem solving. Of course that may mean some may lose their jobs, but running the world would be a whole lot easier. The truth has brought sexy back and made us free, and with freedom comes much responsibility (but a lot more fun). I will leave you with the last line of the play:

Lysistrata: “Come now, since everything has turned out well, take these women back with you, you Spartans. And, you Athenians, these ones are yours. Let each man stand beside his wife, each wife beside her man, and then to celebrate good times let’s dance in honor of the gods. And for all future time, let’s never make the same mistake again.”

Taking Umbrage…for and at Women

um·brage

noun \ˈəm-brij\

: a feeling of being offended by what someone has said or done

I started this post several times, wanting to be positive, a bit less controversal, and with propriety.  I couldn’t do it because I did promise a sense of wild abandon, so here goes.  I seem to take umbrage with almost every angle of the state of women in our world today.  I am sickened by movements to censure, mutilate, deny education, control and retract any advances made through history.  And yet, I take as much umbrage with a culture that objectifies, sexualizes, and at the opposite end values a woman based on some prudish matronly definition of goodness.  Seriously people, what in the sam hill is going on?

Jesus set the standard so clearly in his ministry.  Women were of great value to him; especially women who chose his instruction over what culture restricted them to, check out the Mary and Martha story…( I blogged about it here, maryfrancesflood.com/2012/06/18/im-a-mary-and-not-a-martha/.  I think women owe Jesus a great deal for the place that he brought us to…and with that comes responsibility.  We, as women, must take a stand against those who would force us to lose the sacred ground that many fought so hard to attain.  So where the hell do I stand?

While I am plagued with fear when I hear most men speak of rape, whether on a college campus, foreign soil, a military base or from the mouth of a politician, I have to admit that I am plagued with as much fear at the cavalier attitude and sexually charged culture in this country.  While I think we should celebrate our physical bodies, I am tired of how sex inundates our culture.  I don’t want to see young women run around in their underwear, or clothing designed to cradle a man’s package.  While I am not a prude…I say EEEWWWWW!  The pervasiveness of sex in just about everything is a problem for me. Being a good lover by today’s standards is understood by sexual prowess and not in the way the gospel intended.  Getting better at sex will never help us get better at love…PERIOD.  And it won’t help us reclaim our power either.

I have thought long and hard about whether or not my attitude is based on my aging form and diminishing beauty…and then that very thought even pissed me off!  Who defined aging and beauty anyway?  Well, I include myself when I say we all had a hand in that too.  With age, I’ve gained great experience and education and was for a moment ready to hold those accomplishments at a lesser value than my aging appearance…and yet, in all truthfulness I understand why. We live in a culture that worships youth and marginalizes maturity.  Look at the amount of money that goes into physical beauty; the money women spend on achieving some skewed idea of youthful perfection is tragic.  We could save all the starving children in the world many times over, if we allowed ourselves to age naturally and dump our obsession with beauty regimens.

I’m not saying as women, we can’t try to be beautiful and celebrate our sexuality.  But if we aren’t working as hard for the standard the Jesus set, i.e. we are as valuable as any man, and are offered the same gift of grace, with the same expectations for our behavior…then we’ve failed on a massive level.  Let’s be better at loving, starting with ourselves.