Category: fear

The Secret of Success

So between a shit show and shining success…that is the attitude of what yesterday and today felt like, to which I write with a quick deviation from instruction on learning to live on a higher plane, because I’m not all too sure that what I feel at the moment is actually representative of living on a higher plane. To start, the day of the move to memory care ( and the day of my show) was laden with anxiety, mostly for my sisters who were on site, directing the move right under my mother’s nose (first time I’ve name her as THE family member), and me not being present, because I had committed to participate in an art show, feeling powerless to help in any way. At about an hour before I was done with my first day showing and selling my art, I started getting emergency phone calls dispatched from my mother’s life link button she wears around her neck. I spent the last portion of the show walking back in forth in the parking lot desperately trying to, and and delicately explaining to this company not to dispatch the emergency crew because she was safe at her new memory care facility, and was just unhappy with her circumstances. Finally, in a hysterical laughing, crying way…I just had to tell the truth, that my mother would continue to push this button because it was “her means” to call her husband, Elon Musk to whom he had given her full responsibility to distribute his money, to come and get her. I could hear silence on the other end, and then a choking voice (I knew she was covering up her laughter) that she would transfer me to her supervisor. Once connected, the same funny noise came, when she read the explanation of her underling, and I had to interject and say out loud, that yes, I knew it was crazy, and yes, it was it was ok to laugh…to which she let out the loudest guffaw I have every heard. Her response: Mam, this is the singular best story I have ever heard in this job (most of the details, I did not share here). She closed the account and even gave me a refund. for the rest of the year…to which the full staff at her new place and my sisters now think I am a rock star (because the staff finally witnessed, first hand, the transformation that we, my siblings, all knew personally that was akin to the most frightening horror story character ever created). In this moment, and I know I’m not being kind and loving unequivocally and I’m OK with that, given how this ordeal unfolded, that I am not sorry for it, I released a huge burden. And if God happens to give me a smack of karma, I’m ok with that too. The true heroes of this story are my sisters and the people that have to deal with her now. We all did the best we could for her to honor my dad’s promise and keep her safe, and now realize she has made her bed and well….enough said.

The other side of the last two days is the pride I felt when so many people were amazed and impressed with my art. I received an invitation to display some of my pieces at the new libraries’ artists gallery wall this summer and also met a wonderful gallery owner who is excited to what we can do in the future. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I felt pride at my ability to squelch the fear that started to rise up when I accepted the invitation at the library and also when I told the other gallery owner I would be proud to have her present one or more of my pieces in her space. There was also an artist who saw the piece I did called, “A portrait of an artist at rest” (Wang Yibo), and said that it reminded him of one of Rembrandt’s techniques regarding shading and depth. I absolutely had no fucking idea what he was talking about, and also didn’t tell him that I just acted by the seat of my pants, and simply thought that if I added an iridescent paint to the black it would give the appearance of a velvet background….which means that I guess that the attempt was successful…and even though I didn’t have a clue about anything else that came out of his mouth. I just smiled, like Mona Lisa and shook my head in the affirmative. Also, both my brother, (who came in from Florida) and my youngest sister came up to see me, in leu of seeing my mother and I was so shocked and pleased because my brother had never seen my art in person before. So, as far as I’m concerned at the moment, I am happy that I stood on my own two feet and weathered both storms…my mother and my own fear of success. I still have one more day to show tomorrow, but somehow I already feel like I’ve won and passed the test, because I know my mother is now safe, regardless of how angry she is…and I believe that am really good at what I do, end of story, which leaves me better equipped to live and love on a higher plane.

One quick epilogue that I am amending to this post…I added a picture of a little hedgehog who picked out a piece of jewelry…my favorite customer of the weekend. Also? I have conflicted feelings about a lot of the gushing about my work…often, I didn’t like it at all, because it felt like the focus was on the wrong thing and was often followed by words like I have no talent, or you are so lucky. I wanted them to be moved by the art, or feel encouraged to make their own or use their own gifts. Regardless of how many times I explained that I only started this a few years ago, and didn’t know what I was doing either, that if they felt a passion for it, they should just try. The important part is in the creation…because it changes the individual as well as the environment…most looked at me like I was nuts…and it made me feel sad. I am even more resolute to bring love into the world one piece of art at a time.

Anger and Life on a Higher Plane

I spent the afternoon working on a drawing in the next in a series of epiphanies and a sketch of a new painting…and thinking about what was next on living on a higher plane when I had my own epiphany. I am angry at what is happening in our country right now, in the state of Minnesota where I grew up and spent half my life.

I know many people are angry, and I won’t limit the anger to just what is happening in America, any kind of injustice affects us all, regardless of where we are on this beautiful globe because we are all connected in some way, shape, or form. So, it is my stance that everything that happens sends ripples outward to the rest of the world, and I would like an opportunity to intensify the energy of all the righteous anger out there by pleading to everyone that it be rooted in love. And the power of that love can move mountains. Let me say first that it is a fallacy to believe that there is no room for anger when wielding love and existing on a higher plane. Jesus was angry plenty of times, but he was always motivated by love, like when he turned out the money lenders at the temple because they were denigrating the sacred, or when he rebuked the disciples who tried to turn away the children brought to him saying that the Kingdom of Heaven belonged to the likes of them, or when the church hierarchy showed no compassion or love to a man with a withered hand, and most importantly, how he rebuked the Scribes and Pharisees for the depth of their hypocrisy. I also believe that he would be just as angry at what is happening in Minnesota with two unjustified killings, and the complete disregard for the rule of law and compassion for those immigrants, many of which were detained in violation of the law and were shown absolutely no mercy like the Savior commands of us as followers. I say these things dispassionately because I did do my research, and I do know the law, and you would have to be willfully ignorant of the most basic foundational principles and axioms of our Constitution, or blindly and ridiculously naïve, or are simply so tied to a particular bias that you refuse to believe what is right in front of your eyes. To believe the messages of this administration, in all the false representations they have been pedaling when there is definitive proof to the contrary, and are also asked to disregard what you can see with your very own eyes, means living and existing on a higher plane is just not for you. I don’t say this lightly…because to stand for what can only be called a master class in gaslighting and behavior that stands in direct opposition of the most basic tenets of our Christian faith, hell against the most basic tenets of how we are expected, as civilized people of this great country, to comport themselves mean that you have chosen fear over love and lies over truth and will have to live by the consequences of that choice.

So be angry and act on it…but let me be clear, the source by which those actions are fueled means everything. Any action forward must be powered by the proper motivation: love and not fear. The goal must be positive and honestly address the problem of the moment which simply stated is defending and treating those who are seen as the least of us as if they were Christ, because all God’s people are of consequence, loving our neighbors as ourselves all while acting within the laws and tenets laid out in our Constitutional principles and laws that we all must abide by if we are to move forward together. We the people, are the core of this nation, not those who would place themselves above us by claiming positions of power and authority. The people of Minnesota have shown the rest of this country and the world how to channel righteous anger into powerful examples of efficacious love, by supplying food, gathering to watch over their neighbors, supporting affected local businesses, soliciting legal help, peaceful marches, prayers and vigils, and presence and protests in subzero weather, filming and keeping those in power accountable and standing for truth and justice against tyranny, and joining their voices together in large and small ways to challenge the assaults on personal freedoms protected by this great country that are not acceptable. Those who choose to live on a higher plane have to know that all real power does not come of this world or any political ideology, but from the God of love. Love is sovereign, not fear. Love is sovereign, not control. Love is sovereign, not forceful violence. Love is sovereign, not the dissemination of lies over truth.

In truth, I hated writing this post…but to remain silent would make me complicit in the destruction of so many essential connections and parts of the Body of Christ, and I can’t do that. Living on a higher plane demands actions that are in accordance to the power of love as scripture defines it:

Love is patient,

love is kind.

It is not jealous,

It is not pompous,

it is not inflated,

it is not rude,

it does not seek its own interests,

it is not quick-tempered,

it does not brood over injury,

it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things,

believes all things,

hopes all things,

endures all things. 

Love never fails

Blessed are the Ties that Bind

To begin on a light note, there are about 50 turkeys that sleep up in the trees in our woods, and every morning I wake up to the noise, noise, noise, noise of their waking and coming down from their perches. In turkey speak its probably what I sound like before my morning coffee.

Per usual, when I said one of the foundational axioms of living on a higher plane is understanding that we are all connected, and that as wielders of love we are charged to strengthen the ties for the body of humanity to continue to evolve forward, that I would be presented with a challenge to practice what I preach. And while I have alluded to this connection before, I will say it is the most significant and yet also the most damaging connection of my entire life, and like a huge boulder put right smack dab in the middle of my path, dealing with it was the only option for me to move forward. After all the work I did last year recognizing weaknesses and facing fears and and in doing so how it strengthened my faith, I must take all these lessons and put into practice all the behaviors that are expected in living on a higher plane. Honestly, I knew this was coming, especially with this directive from my spirit guide, as the incarnation of the Savior:

“If you cannot respond in forgiveness to the most broken connection right in front of your nose, not only is it impossible to have the authority to speak on God’s behalf as a whisperer, you cannot even exist and move onto a higher plane. You have asked in the past: how are my followers demonstrably different from all others? Acting on the knowledge that all people are of consequence and are connected you must love them as if they are me, even those who have caused you pain. I have preached endlessly that you must being willing to forgive seven times seventy, to turn the other cheek, to love those who persecute you, to love your enemies, to forgive others as my Father forgives you, and pray for those who persecute you, then and only then and will the power the pain caused be released.”

I also know that reestablishing or mending a connection doesn’t require another’s compliance or acceptance of it simply because I cannot control anyone but myself, but it does demand actual interaction in some way, shape for form because wielding love is demonstrable, actionable and efficacious. The bottom line, for me, is that I have the power through the God of love to reestablish and mend connections through love and forgiveness when the situation presents itself, and present itself it did. Sparing the details, two songs came to mind as a result of my interactions (you know the whole trying to connect to the music of my soul thing): “I can’t make you love me if you don’t” by Bonnie Raitt, and “For Good” from the musical Wicked. The first song came to me after, from my vantage point anyway, mending/forgiving the connection…of course not in the romantic way the song intended, because she is family, but the sentiment is still there. There is absolutely nothing I can do to when someone is just not willing to see or understand the wounds they have created, and still holds onto the rigid conditional and demonstrably unloving behavior that they’ve maintained all along. Could and Should no longer enter into the equation and I had to embrace the sad truth that it would never be reciprocal, I can never force that to happen, and yet remarkably, even though it took a moment and some needed love from others, I felt a certain freedom by releasing the power that pain held in my life, and I was able to extend the loving behavior that was needed and necessary in the moment even when there were attempts at pushback and manipulation. The song “For Good” came to me afterwards amidst all the messy emotions, which I still hate, by the way, defining the true transformation of this experience. After I accepted the fact that my forgiveness was one way, I was able to see and understand that even amidst all the negatives I have focused on for so long, as the song says: “because I knew you, I have been changed for good.” Yeah, it made me cry…because I am a composite of her, the building blocks of my soul come from her, as well as all I learned along the way. I can see that now and I am grateful for it.

While I am aware that every situation is unique, and there is such a wide spectrum of weakened or broken connections out there that only we as individuals can set out to mend, some may not be so difficult, but procrastination and the kind of self talk that one can engage in thinking it doesn’t really matter, keep the forgiveness from happening or those who have experienced irreversible damage making forgiveness all the more difficult but absolutely necessary need to know that the whole idea of forgiveness is not to excuse bad behavior, but to free up whatever pain and fear linger as a result of said behavior. Jesus makes it crystal clear that forgiveness is a requirement to be a true follower, and essential in moving forward. Forgiveness heals the broken parts of the body of humanity, releasing the negative power that holds each one of us captive, darkening our view, and limiting our ability to love fully and unequivocally.

This lesson showed me that no one, not even the most powerful in our world can proclaim to be successful in wielding love, or expressing their blueprints to the fullest without, at minimum, addressing the most significant broken connections in their lives, whether shared with others or experienced individually. We all have to do the work, and the release of that negative power will allow the power of love to expand exponentially bringing us all to a higher plane.

To Infinity and Beyond

I found the picture from climbing Chichen Itza…and the view looking back down. It was exhilarating and scary at the same time, but the story didn’t end there. When we got to the top and just after I took this picture, Steve told me that I had to go down and get a helicopter to come up and pick him up, at first I laughed, but then realized he was dead serious. His face was completely white, and I suddenly knew he was not only afraid of heights, but also agoraphobic as well. I told him I wouldn’t leave without him, so either we died up there or we took our time getting back down together. It took me over an hour to talk him down backwards, which is quite a feat for someone who is 6 ft 4, and a size 14 shoe. I went down backwards first, right behind him, he knew if he fell or slipped I would go tumbling downward, and it kept him thinking with a level head, to move one small step at a time, until we reached solid ground.

The reason I brought up this story is not to disparage anyone because of their fears, I’ve talked about my own plenty, but more as a reminder that we all have them, regardless of how you look to the rest of the world, and most often they remain hidden. In the moment, though, when we act in a way that disregards, or is a denial that we have them, the end result is that the fear can and often does win. In my small and insignificant world, after the shooting by ICE in Minneapolis, where I spent much of my life, I too was paralyzed with the kind of fear that left me wondering if the darkness had finally won, that this journey of mine was nothing more than a fools errand, and that the little bit of light I brought to the game was nothing compared to the black whole of chaos that is beginning to swallow this country. The lies from those in power, come so frequently and blatantly that, from a leadership position, I began to wonder if it is just impossible to keep this ship afloat. And yet, I know, that throwing the lying, liars that lie overboard is not an option. Why? because according to everything I know about living on a higher plane, the foundational axiom is this: we are all connected. So every movement I make affects the whole, regardless of how small…even if it is just a whisper. Every choice made in fear, weakens and as in the case of Renee Macklin Good, destroys connections that are meant to move and evolve us forward.

It is that very concept, a reminder that we are all connected, that gave me the strength to continue on this journey, fools errand or not, and a very specific connection that talked me away from my fear, and that’s all I’ll say about that. All I know, in my lifetime, I have had plenty of opportunities to help people face their fears and move beyond them, and it is my prayer today that all those lights, blueprints or whatever you want to call them I feel connected to have someone, right now, who can do the same for them. We, those who choose love over fear, need each other right now. And while I love the amazing solidarity of people protesting the violence, I do caution that while doing so, we take the time necessary to face and acknowledge the fears we have right now, and enlist those we love to help overcome them. Fighting for justice and change is important, but reaching out and loving each other is just as important, because that love will define what the fight looks like.

And now the title I used for today’s post, yep, another appropriation…I think quoting Buzz Lightyear is perfect. He may have suffered an identity crisis after learning that he is just a toy, and not the hero that saves the universe, but when he finds his true purpose of being a loyal friend, and being loved and cherished for who and what he is, perhaps he really does…save the universe, I mean. And Buzz also reminds me that it only takes the faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain…

Faith and Fear

Early on in my life, because the powers that be were very restrictive, I made a promise to myself that fear would never be a reason for me to do or not do anything, even if it meant going against those very same powers that held me restricted. I’m being purposefully opaque because it is not my purpose to malign any person or entity in my development, especially since I was the one that gained all the benefits of lessons learned. That isn’t to say that fear wasn’t a powerful factor in my life, people often called me fearless, not true, its constant presence was sometimes so daunting, I believe that it was the cause of a lot of my autoimmune problems. Even having a deep faith in God, and knowing that somehow, I would always be ok in the end, didn’t mean that my journey and not allowing fear to be the controlling reason for the decisions of my life would always be smooth sailing. I often knew the choice to do something that I believed was necessary, or exciting, or a way to obliterate limitations despite the fear present would definitely cause me pain and would sometimes leave scars…hence my deep appreciation for the beauty of imperfection which means I am the super model for conquering fear. A life well lived should leave scars…the simple proof of growth and conquering limitations. And as I mentioned in a previous post, pain is a central and natural part of being human and all of our journey’s. Those who avoid it never evolve…period. But as I grew, and faced difficult situations, the hindsight that I gained also became clear evidence that all this stuff that I believe in hook, line and sinker is actually true, real and effective, and no one can convince me otherwise. It is also why I love the story about Jesus and Peter walking on water, when we are asked to suspend our belief in the natural order of physics and the workings of the world and regardless of the fear, have faith, step out of the boat and just keep walking. It’s the actual getting out of the boat that is hardest for me, even when my heart tells me Jesus’ words are foolproof…the fear is still palpable. So, while I’m not an adrenaline junky, I’ve learned to use the fear as my jumping off point, to propel me forward and then embrace the power of love to suspend my human and often limited belief and allow it to take me wherever God needs me to go…even if, like what I’m working on right now I am just standing in the still point and receiving whatever comes my way. I must say, the kind of fear that it is causing me is just as powerful as the time I climbed to the top of the pyramid of Chichen Itza and my physical response of terror that came when at the top, I turned around and then looked down (It is so steep I don’t think they let people scale it anymore).

I know I’m writing a lot these days, my heart finds it necessary (although my spirit guide is painfully quiet, except to keep reminding me to stand still and receive…so irritating). So many in the world are facing challenges that could dim their light, inhibit their blueprints, and allow darkness to gain ground…in both dramatic and inane ways. I am also beginning to understand, that learning to love completely in all love’s expressions, unequivocally, that I am even more powerful when I pray and the love I send outward to all of you is also more powerful, because the sound of my heart is different, its melody seems more intricate and all the more encompassing. Last night when I was looking up at the super moon, knowing all of you could see the same moon, I prayed that fear never have a hold on your life, your dreams. I want you to just think of Peter walking on water, don’t be one of little faith, but believe and embrace the power of love and it will propel you where you need to go. An aside, the latest elections in my country have given me renewed hope that indeed the villains need not win, because love is the author of our play. I also want you to read the following line from scripture (1John 4:16-19) whenever you feel that fear has a controlling power in your life:

We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us. God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in them. In this is love brought to perfection among us, that we have confidence on the day of judgment because as God is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because he first loved us

Faith in Simple Things

Because of a headfirst plunge into paralyzing emotional discomfort, which on this journey I shouldn’t be surprised by but constantly am (like Charlie Brown is when he continues to believe Lucy’s promises that she won’t pull the football at the last minute just as he tries to kick it, and which she continues to do every time) I’ve found solace in focusing on simple tasks, gestures and daily regimens to help me cope and keep moving forward when all I want to do is to shut up and shut down. So, I clean, (nothing more grounding than cleaning a toilet and being reminded that no one is above getting their hands dirty), do clinic paperwork, cook, paint, work out, perform the general repair of broken things in my small world and pray pretty much all day. Let me begin by saying that I would rather endure extreme challenges physically, mentally, and spiritually than deal with the emotional upheaval of feelings that this journey has thrown in my face as of late. Emotions I cannot avoid, if this journey is to mean anything at all…feelings that have been deeply compartmentalized because they are so rooted in fear and trauma that, at the time, were simply a method I used to survive, and now all I feel is anger which has begun to leak out everywhere, hence the reason for this lesson I suppose. In truth, emotions are not my superpower; I am not good at them and feel completely lost when in order to continue to move forward, I must face and become more adept at what I’m weakest at, most importantly because in order to become more adept at them you have to actually engage with other people to do so.

At this point, it feels like a lot of the time everyone else is speaking a different language fluently that I do not understand leaving me with limited comprehension and confused having only a rudimentary understanding to help me fumble through, or a game that everyone plays all the time, which everyone knows the rules to except me. Yes, that sounds extreme, but it’s taken a lifetime for me to learn how to navigate through and around emotions and if I’m being honest, learned particularly to fake my way through when I don’t know what else to do. God will have none of that right now though, which in time I suppose I will appreciate like I have every other lesson along the way, but for now? I FUCKING HATE IT. It feels like being required to sing a beautiful aria or perform a complicated dance when you know that you absolutely don’t have the requisite skill at the moment to do so even adequately. The message that keeps me awake at night is this: “Easier is not better, you can’t fake your way around the depth of feelings you have if you want to wield love in this world.” Needless to say, my spiritual voice and I are not on speaking terms at the moment…And as an aside, for all of you who feel that emotions are your superpower, I ask you to look at the one thing in your life you are terrible at (come on, we all have them, so step out of your denial) and focus on that for the purposes of this post.

I know Jesus experienced deep emotions, joy, mercy, compassion, love, anger, sorrow, despair and so many more. And these teachings have been the basis for much of my emotional and spiritual intelligence to date. Except I am not Jesus, and I am not a man. The “man” part was so weird for me to admit to because I have spent much of my life proving I am as good as a man, but not so much embracing the feelings of being a woman that make me demonstrably different. And I know I am demonstrably different and perhaps have been in denial about that. Let me be clear, though, embracing my difference does not in any way subordinate me inherently to men out there, especially for those I choose to love. I say that because of the growing sense of misogyny that exists, which I believe is perpetuated by small insecure men (and not in the quote from Ephesians 5 that is woefully taken out of context). But for the sake of my experience at the moment, the spiritual acuity I’ve developed isn’t helpful, in that while it is foundational, it won’t help me understand why I do what I do or feel what I feel in the messy human way that is required of me right now. If wielding love effectively is my goal, then, I think, the dream I had so long ago about being asked to venture into hell is an appropriate place for me to start. A caveat…I wear an oblong black aventurine around my neck at all times as a protection and reminder of a particular symbol of this dream, and I also a wear a symbol of the alpha and omega as a reminder that God is always with me. Needless to say, I have been clutching them a lot lately.

While I will never go into particulars of how I learn this lesson, the nature of cyber space being the predominant reason, (Whether it is because I inspire negative feelings, which is not my intent, or because many of you are fucking mean) please know that I am diligently working on facing what I’m weakest at. Having come so far on this journey, I can’t stop now (and because I secretly believe this lesson came so late in the process so I wouldn’t quit now that I’ve come so far and am so close to whatever conclusion is a result of this journey). I will cope by immersing myself in simple things and promising to face every personal interaction that comes my way, whether I like it or not. And I also promise to continue my prayers and sending ripples of love out into the world…knowing that God will augment my imperfect human heart with a love greater than any of us can know.

Fueling the Power of Love or Fear

I know everyone experiences both love and fear, essential parts of being human. There is a difference, though, between what we experience as love or fear, and what power becomes its driving force. For example, it isn’t uncommon for a person to “love” something or someone in such a way that in fear of losing it or feeling undeserving of it that fear becomes more of a motivation than the initial experience of love. Scripture tells us that love and fear are mutually exclusive, so when fear is a stronger motivator than love, the results are never good.

Regarding the general environment of the world today, I often hear the phrase, “how did we come to this” meaning the general level of anger, bullying, violence, greed, mistrust, blaming, etc. I think its taken a long time to get here. When love and fear are so intermingled for so long, its hard to keep those corrupting forces at bay. If you’ve ever been to a Christian wedding, I’m sure you’re familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, which espouses the many qualities of love: patient, kind, not jealous, not pompous or inflated, not rude, does not seek its own interests, slow to anger, doesn’t obsess over injury, does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in truth. Importantly, love bears all things, hopes all things, and endures all things…and never fails. A powerful phrase that I never forget: “If I speak in human and angelic tongues, but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or clanging symbol:.

Seems pretty clear to me. I can’t say I love my brother or sister and behave in a way that is antithetical to any of those descriptions of love listed above. And since we are all human, its understandable to believe that no-one acts purely out of love or fear, but when the fear out weighs the love the scale tips in favor of all the vitriol we are facing today. I may not control what motivates others, but I can see how they behave, and often, even when defining what love “looks” like, whether it is love of God, another, or a country, it doesn’t take a genius to see what their primary motivation is. In truth, those angry, accusatory, and loud mouth individuals out there blaming sections of the population for all the world’s ills, are nothing but gongs and clanging symbols. There are loving ways to express anger and outrage…and that noise? It’s not love.

Jesus spoke a lot about separating the goats from the sheep (in my mind those who are motivated by fear and those by love respectively) and he speaks of what their personal motivation is: “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me” And when the righteous challenged him responding that they had never seen him in any of those situations, he said: “Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sister, you did for me.” Boom

Leadership and Fear

There is a song that I used to love to sing during Mass, called “Be not Afraid” by Robert Dufford, a Jesuit. The refrain goes: “Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me and I will give you rest.” It is a reminder to me that throughout the whole of the Old and New Testament, the message is clear; God is always with us and will pave the way forward, regardless of the circumstances. It’s a difficult concept to embrace in these troubled times, given a pandemic, climate catastrophes and political upheaval (all the products of accumulative human free will and not God’s punishment, by the way). And yet, for me anyways, it is the most essential quality of any great leader that fear is never the guiding principle for any action and that the trust, hope and faith in the ideals and principles one stands for run so deep that nothing will impede their progression forward in bringing them to light. A leader must be the voice that rises above fear, and reminds us of who we are and what we stand for. A leader must not be swayed by the darkness that threatens us but be that hopeful voice that challenges us to stop hiding our light under a bushel basket and to uncover it for all to see and shine so bright the darkness cannot and will never win. They must remind us that we are not alone, and that together, with our combined light and talent (and for people of faith the presence of God) will guide us all to a better place.

I’ll end this short post with one of my favorite lines from scripture from the first letter of John in which we are reminded that love is the opposite of fear:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because God first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” but hates their brother or sister, they are a liar; for whoever does not love a brother or sister whom they have seen cannot love God  whom they have not seen. This is the commandment we have from God: whoever loves God must also love his brother or sister.

Truth and Courage

The word “courage” and the word “truth” are intimately connected…in my book, anyway. While the word courage is often identified with magnanimous feats in history, of war heroes and historical figures and fictional super heroes, I think its most important function is as the foundation for truth. Telling the story of who you are with your whole heart, speaking your truth takes more courage than most would admit, especially, given the temperament of the world today. Given the blatant disregard for truth that exists within powerful hierarchies and the level of sophistication of the lies told, it becomes an even greater challenge to recognize what the actual truth really is so that telling the actual truth becomes an even more courageous exploit. In order to combat the pathology that a culture of lies create…we all need to embrace the courage to tell our own personal truths first, and then stand together when those talented liars who lie try to attack us for it. Once you stand for truth, I’ve found, it is intolerable to accept or perpetuate lies coming from anybody else. And it is speaking out against those lies where courage is so necessary…because there are plenty of people in the world who are not only content with those lies, but thrive on them.

Stripping down the illusions that I surrounded myself with took the greater part of my lifetime and I found the courage to wipe those illusions away in large part because of my faith and a deep experience of unconditional love of God and also those brave souls who’ve shared the stories of their hearts and showed me a different facet of life through their experiences. Being on the beneficiary side of those personal stories revealed to me a broader truth and with every story a greater perspective. Championing truth requires perspective, and since I only have one set of eyes and limited control over my physical movement I often depend on listening to other perspectives to expand and form my world view. As I’ve mentioned before, truth is not two dimensional, it demands we move and try and see things from a different angles and perspectives. Once you strip your own life from illusions it isn’t as difficult when listening to another’s perspective to tell who is being truthful and who is either lying to themselves or has too high a stake in believing the lie. That was a hard statement to write because am I not prescient (well, maybe a little), and certainly don’t want to inhibit anyone from telling their story, but this isn’t about judgement, its about truth. I want everyone to be able to share their truth…I’m just saying that there are some criteria that I use in deciding whether or not I allow their perspective to shape mine or not.

Fear is the first condition I have for rejecting someone’s perspective. Perpetuating fear is the opposite of courage, and is the true cause of hatred in this world. Please let me be clear, being afraid is not the same thing as rooting one’s perspective in it and using it to justify your choices and behavior. Because fear is the greatest illusion of all, truth cannot exist in someone who roots their ideology in fear (1John 4:18), I don’t care if what they are afraid of is the devil, a political party, race or gender, or an intimate partner. It is embracing courage to face your fears and not be controlled by them that frees your heart to speak your truth. And speaking that truth literally makes you free and will distinguish you from the rest of the population who simply succumb to lies that feed their fears.

The second condition is the willingness to change. This is a bit of a slippery slope, because I certainly am not talking about being malleable, to change in accordance with everybody else. I’m also aware that change happens over time and never all at once. I’m talking about the willingness to make necessary changes that must be made in a person’s life when things aren’t working, or honesty when you decide you’re just not ready to make a needed change. Change, while inevitable, is still one of the things that is hard for most people, and it takes a lot of courage to do so. We tell people up front at our clinic that we can’t “fix” anybody without their help. If they are unwilling to change bad habits, there is nothing we can do to help them turn their health around…the individual themselves is the change agent, not those who are supposed to magically fix them. And there are those who will try and convince you that “they” can fix you. It’s just not true. I am the superstar in this equation, I make the changes, I reap the benefit for doing so.

The third condition are those who refuse to take responsibility for their lives and blame others for their life challenges. People who are never responsible for anything that happens in their lives and can point a finger at everyone else but themselves, are not being courageous or truthful. Again, while there are plenty of people who are tragically victimized or face tragic circumstances, I am not talking about them. I am speaking about those who consciously refuse to proactively engage in finding a solution to any problem they face, and instead find a scapegoat to vent their rage and frustration, even if they turn it inward on themselves. While blame may give momentary solace, it never fixes anything and is the source of some of the greatest conflicts in history.

Lastly, are those people who allow structures and institutions in our world to  control them and tell them who they should be in a way that redefines them according to to the acceptable norms within the structure or institution. They tell them who they should be instead of who God created them to be. While I understand civilized people embrace certain behaviors, like the golden rule for instance, those structures whose purpose is only for power and control and superimpose a perspective at the detriment of an individual…I reject. So when someone tells me that God deplores homosexuals, or black people are inferior, or illegal aliens don’t deserve humane treatment, or their “faith” is the only true faith, I know right away they really don’t understand God at all.

All in all, I think truth and courage go hand in hand. It is difficult to share your truth when there are people who would condemn you and judge you for it. It also takes courage to speak truth to power again for the same reasons. I struggle at times worrying about the consequences of the words I speak, I’ve had my share of condemnation and judgment too. But the alternative would be to lie and that’s just not possible at this stage of the game. So, today I pray for courage and to tell the story of who we are with our whole heart.

Truth vs Fear

fear

So here’s something all humans have in common…we are all afraid of one thing or another. Here’s another thing…it’s not always clear what exactly it is that we are afraid of, and that is where truth becomes essential, otherwise, it’s difficult to control the negative behavior that fear inspires. Just google: fear as a source of negative behavior, and you’ll see what I mean. From a theologian’s perspective…fear is the antithesis of love, and will impede the work, the gifts, the power of God.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love 1 John 4:18

For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry, “Abba,  Father!” Romans 8:15

Peace  I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid. John 14:27

Truth, is the armament of love.

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And truth will keep fear at bay…but not if we don’t face it, accept that we have it, and work to overcome it. At the core of Christianity is the belief that on our own, salvation is impossible, but with God, ALL things are possible. My struggle in my over inquisitive mind is this: If this is true, then after all this time, where is the ALL possible? What are we, as Christians, doing wrong? While the answer to that question is demonstrably huge and complicated, I keep coming back to fear and behavior. When we let fear dictate the course of our actions and behavior, we do not act in accordance with the belief that in God we can do all things. It is a direct affront against that basic tenet. And well, that sucks because I come face to face with fear every day. Questions like: Am I enough, Did I do that right, Was that unkind, should I do more…the list is endless. When I am truthful about my fears, however, and ask God to help me overcome them…the power of that fear fades. More importantly, when I face the consequences of fear based behavior, I become even more determined to not let that behavior dictate future decisions…because those decisions have never taken me to a better place, ever.

I will also say this: pretending that we are not afraid, or pretending that fear is justified gives it strength over our future behavior. And if we can’t handle personal fears and the behavior it inspires, there is no hope that we can conquer fear on a larger level. I just don’t think its possible. And I don’t mean any of this in the way of chastisement, not at all. It should be a source of great comfort to know that nothing will stand in the way of God’s love for us and any and all the fears out in the world. It should cause a huge wave of relief.

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom do I fear? The LORD is my life’s refuge; of whom am I afraid?

Walking on Water

walking-on-water-prank.jpg

Let me begin by saying this post is indeed political and may indeed seem polarizing, but it has nothing to do with political parties or the election per say. As part of my year of clarity, which is almost at an end by the way, I remain committed to see the world as Christ intended when he said blessed are those who have eyes to see and ears to hear. Having come so far, I certainly am not going backward now. In many ways, this year has been a torturous stripping away of every illusion, every chain and old belief that I held onto as an appeasement to my fears, insecurities and those beliefs that limit my personal evolution. I never anticipated what asking for the eyes to see and ears to hear would do to my life. It was upended. Be careful what you pray for, I’ve heard. And as much as I had no idea how naive my request was, I remained stalwart through every point of this journey, sometimes to the detriment of my health and personal psyche. I also want to say, while not everyone is a Christian like I am, I hope you will appreciate the conclusions I’ve come to anyway. Today, I am Peter, when Jesus was walking on water:

Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore, was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night, Jesus came toward them, walking on the sea. When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified, “It is a ghost,” they said, and they cried out in fear. At once Jesus spoke to them, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.” Peter said to him in reply, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw how strong the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

Even after all I’ve learned and how deep my faith has become having answered Jesus when he said “Come,” now that I am here standing amidst the turbulence, I am trying not to be afraid, trying not to sink into the depths. I have the benefit of hindsight that Peter didn’t. I already know Jesus response, “oh you of little faith, why did you doubt.” In this moment of such turbulence, I will not let fear falter my journey. That doesn’t mean that I won’t be afraid, I just simply reject the doubt so I don’t sink. I will walk on water regardless of my fear. I will respond to Jesus command when he says come. So what does that even look like? This may take a moment, so please bear with me until the end.

For that last few weeks, I have pondered, and worried a bit over Jesus words in Matthew 10 when he describes the world they, as disciples, would venture into:

Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. For I have come to set a man ‘against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one’s enemies will be those of his household.’ Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more that me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take up his/her cross and follow after me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his/her life will lose it, and whoever loses her/his life for my sake will find it. Whoever receives you receives me, and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me. Whoever receives a prophet because he/she is a prophet will receive a prophet’s reward, and whoever receives a righteous person because she/he is righteous will receive a righteous person’s reward. And whoever gives only a cup of cold water to one of theses little one’s to drink because he/she is a disciple-amen, I say to you, surely he/she will not lose their reward.

Life as a disciple is often life shattering. It is an ultimate test of loyalty and faith. If we succeed, we can walk on water. Call it whatever you will, a metaphor, a means to make the unfathomable, fathomable…I really don’t care. What I really care about is that regardless of the fear that holds many of us paralyzed right now, we must keep walking, we follow Jesus command to come. We refuse to doubt and be one of little faith. We do what seems at the moment to be the impossible. Because with God, all things are possible…right?

Now, here is where it gets tricky for me. As many of you know, I have friends who are democrat and republican. I embrace and accept that different ideologies exist. We’ve all walked different journeys and have embraced our own conclusions about what we’ve seen. I have friends who are religious and non-religious alike. So, my beef isn’t about that, hence the latter scripture that speaks about peace vs the sword. Here is my beef. Political ideologies, in essence, belong to Caesar (see last post), and we give to Caesar in our own way. How we express those ideologies most definitely leaks into giving to God what is Gods. So this is when the fear grips me most deeply. When you use an ideology to set others apart, to demean or demoralize them, to treat them disrespectfully you are not a being a disciple of Christ. When you cross the line in defaming your opposition, someone who doesn’t support the candidate you do, you are not being a disciple of Christ. That doesn’t mean the conversations about ideas won’t be difficult and painful. Where it became appalling to me in this election cycle was the deeply vicious and slanderous way people shared their opinions and almost never to anyone’s face. I always thought that to the people who know me, they know I’m a good person and so would listen to things from my perspective as well as their own and  that they wouldn’t dismiss me or talk about me behind my back because I thought differently than they did, or get angry when I expected truth beyond salacious innuendo. I am not a bad person because I voted a certain way. Winning this election doesn’t give you God’s stamp of approval, God doesn’t give a shit about who won this election. But losing this election doesn’t give you the right to give up all hope or hate the other party either, God has clear opinions about those kinds of judgement too.

Being immersed in an environment that often is diametrically opposed to my most core beliefs has at times been difficult for me, but I’ve adapted because I’ve learned to see the deep goodness in the people who surround me. It has always been my prayer that others would offer me the same accord and it grieved me when that didn’t always happen. This year of clarity has given me freedom from that concern. I don’t care if you judge me, because my journey is sacred. I’ve said this before, that until you walk in another’s shoes you can never understand or judge their journey and I’ve worked hard to try and do that. So I implore people to listen to, and most importantly actually see those who are hurting right now and try and understand why. Sometimes seeing life through another’s eyes isn’t pretty, especially since it challenges our assumptions. There are people of color, sexual orientation, ethnicity, different levels of education and economics, who are devastated by the situation they are in today and the implications they may face come with deep feelings often times fear and rage. But when you take time to really see them and hear them, and break the confines of a limited perspective, fear diminishes and the walk gets easier, kind like gliding on water.

And yet to those who remain convinced that the problems we face are someone else’s fault, or that your “side” has the license on righteousness or God’s imprimatur, or that the answer lies in one person’s judgement against another, I choose to stand against you, whatever side of the aisle that puts you on. To refuse to recognize that we are all of us together, citizens who should all enjoy the the same self evident truths that are the cornerstone of this great country: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, is simply unacceptable to me. So, as a Christian, my sword will be lovingly raised, and wielded in every moment the Spirit deems fit. Go ahead hate me, reject me, whatever. I choose to answer the call and walk on water.

 

Pretty Little Liars

the open bibleI often wonder if people actually read the same scripture that I do.  SERIOUSLY, I really wonder that.  I am conflicted and challenged every day by my weakness when I read the words of Jesus. I remember the day when my heart broke in a vision of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane extending his hand to me and saying it is for you that I will make this sacrifice and felt first, the horrible guilt and then an overwhelming love fill me up.  It is because of that moment that I resist the impulse to lower myself to the level of those pretty little liars out there who would have you believe that 1.6 billion people are extensions of the devil, are diametrically opposed to the teachings of Christ, and that America is synonymous with the chosen people.  I don’t want to be lectured by smug individuals who turn the challenge on its head and point to the atrocities that are befalling innocent people right now, and how we must destroy them.  History has told us many a woeful tale of this same story.  Christians destroyed by Rome, Jews destroyed by Christians (and yes, we had our crazy factions too), women being burned as witches, etc. the list goes on.  And as the saying by Edmund Burke goes: “Those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it”

So, to those of you who are so confident that you know the mind of God and believe anyone who disagrees with you be damned…see how successfully you live and breathe these words:

“But woe to you who are rich, for you have received your consolation. But woe to you who are filled now, for you will be hungry.  Woe to you who laugh now, for you will grieve and weep.  Wo to you when all speak well of you for their ancestors treated the false prophets in this way.  But I say to you who hear I say, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.  To the person who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other as well, and from the person who takes your cloak, do not withhold even your tunic.  Give to everyone who asks of you, and from the one who takes what is yours do not demand it back.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  For if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you.  Even sinners love those who love them”  Luke 6:24-32

I am angry because these words convict me every day to be a greater person and have faith that Jesus knew what he was talking about, and yet I don’t see a lot of support for this notion right now.  As hard as it is to look at the atrocities that are being perpetuated every day and have faith that the above formula is the greater course, it does revolve back to that great sacrifice of Jesus.  Jesus had faith in me, so I must have faith in him…it is really as simple as that.  When I face the banal every day workings of life, where I get to practice and master on an inane level the challenges listed above, I know that then and only then will my discipleship be honed and perfected.  And deep in the simplicity of everyday life, my greatest fear is coming to pass…that those pretty little liars out there are corrupting the gospel, perverting it and twisting it to serve another master, one who Jesus warns us of…the one who can entice us, utilize our fears to their advantage and sway us away from the kind of love God first gave us.  It is a master who would have us build a cocoon of our own self-righteousness, and prejudice, who will ply us with a twisted appreciation of what exactly grace will do which is to deny those we are commanded to love and give entry to only those who are deemed worthy, and condemn any who would disagree.

The central point of the gospel is that the invitation is extended to us all….including those 1.6 billion people out there who only see hateful rejection, persecution and judgement. The parable Jesus told of the great banquet in Luke 14:15-24 reminds us that those who find excuses not to come to his table will be shut out. Many have accepted the invitation in words, but let me remind you, Jesus never said that they will know you are my disciple by telling people that you’ve accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour; he said they will know you are my disciples by how you love one another, not judge, not condemn, not kill, not run in fear from…but how you love them, which means actually showing up at his table and not a facsimile of one you like better.  So where do you put your faith; do you put your faith in the words above, or those words that perpetuate the rancor, that undermine leadership, that feed self-righteousness. that are smug in their conviction that only one ideology rings true.  It is my prayer that all of us, during this Lenten season, ask this question: Do they know I am a follower of Jesus by how well I love others.

They Will Know That You Are Christains By Our Love

fear-notBeing ready to charge forth is how I always want to portray myself…but I am more a compilation of pacing, hyperventilation, tears, ending in quiet resolve.  I am aware of what I have to say, no less committed to continue on the path that I see so clearly, shaking but never wavering.  It just isn’t easy for me.  On that note, I am provoked by the faceless ugliness of social media and the fearful nature of information, convoluted to champion ideological superiority and then weaponizing it as a way to justify a belief and behavior that circumvents the gospel, and yes I did say circumvent…because Jesus could never, would never stand for it…the finger pointing and the blame, the violent solutions and polarization of the world and its people. In John 13:13, Jesus lays out the model of behavior he expects of his disciples:

You call me ‘teacher’ and ‘master’ and rightly so for indeed I am.  If I, therefore, the master and the teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash one another’s feet.  I have given you a model to follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do.  Amen, amen I say to you, no slave is greater than his master nor any messenger greater than the one who sent him.  If you understand this, blessed are you because of it.

He goes on to say in John 13:34,

I give you a new commandment: love one another.  As I have loved you, so you should love one another. This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

There will be those who will pick through scripture to find ways around this to justify their hatred of those who are the momentary evil of day…whether it is a political party, or those who terrorize in the name of their superiority.  We, as Christians, are not allowed that weakness.  That is what Jesus meant when he said:

You have heard that is was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you…

There are plenty of places to find what love looks like….which is where everyone should start.  More importantly, we have to look at what drives us away from love, which drives us to propagate gossip and innuendo as fast as wild-fire. It is fear.  It is fear.  It is fear.  It. Is. Fear.  How can that be?, we who wear the gift of grace?, we who are promised that anything we ask for in prayer, with faith will be given, we who are commanded not to worry because if God clothes the world in such splendor, how much more does he have in store for us, so little in our faith? We fear because we have been lulled into the illusion that evil has the greater edge, that it can defeat us, and the greatest illusion of all, that the gates of hell haven’t already been shattered by Jesus death and resurrection.  On the night he was betrayed he rebuked a disciple who burnished the sword:

Put your sword back into its sheath, for all who take the sword will perish by the sword.  Do you not think that I cannot call upon my Father and he will not provide me at this moment with more than twelve legions of angels?  Then how would scripture be fulfilled which say this must come to pass in this way?

That is the question isn’t it?  How will our fate, laid out in scripure be fulfilled?  Could God swoop down and finish the job?  Or does he know that the sacrifice of his son has given us the necessary tools to be our own champions? 1John 4: lays it out plainly:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us.

Love is what must be our core.  It doesn’t mean that it will be easy, but at any moment in time we can pray to God to augment our imperfect hearts with His perfect love, or we can give into fear in all its seeming righteousness, in its promise of vengeance, its illusion of creating peace and safety.  Violence will never be the answer; hatred exists as a bi-product of fear.  But that doesn’t mean I am naive, either.  I don’t condemn armies who fight for a cause…one of the conundrums of being human, I guess.  Perhaps that is what Jesus meant when he said that we should render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.  He also told us that we couldn’t serve two masters, and how narrow the road to righteousness really is. But certainly, the task at hand is to focus on how others will see us and know that we are his disciples…they will know us by how we love one another.