So, living in the throes of painful emotions is not fun. One, because I am not good at them or understand them as evidenced by the shit show of the many incarnations I expressed over the last few days, and two, I had to take a moment to stand still to figure things out which I also wasn’t sure I wanted to do either. I simply find it easier, sometimes to just get lost in movement, like I usually do. So, I made a concerted effort to step away and then stand still in my messiness to ponder this: In my desire to wield love, what is my real motivation? Is the reason I am freaking out, that I am wielding it incorrectly? What is it that I want out of it? Am I being manipulative in any way, shape or form? And then, once the dam broke, the whole wellspring of feelings came pouring out all over the place. So, when the flood waters abated (pun intended), what was left exposed was one of my greatest fears, one that was drilled into me by multiple sources who should have known better…that the kind of love I desired and wanted to wield in the world, was not possible unless I changed who I was, because I am impractical and wildly imperfect and have such impossibly high standards and continue to push myself and others to be better relentlessly, or because there was not a person on the planet who could relate to someone so complicated, intense and driven like me, a spiritual whirling dervish, of sorts. Again, this is simply a revelation about what I was told by the most influential sources that surrounded me. And while I am aware that some acted on my behalf, because I know I can be difficult and a handful at times, I had to live with the sound of my soul on mute for a large part of my life, and as an observer that had an incredible effect on how I saw and at times still see the world. It is also the reason that I am so committed to doing whatever I can to help every individual out there know they were made just as God intended and hope no one ever has to live a moment of their lives with their souls on mute. So, for me, it was the appropriate time to acknowledge some difficult truths, that wielding love can never be done partially, with the kind of love I understand easily and am comfortable with, like spiritual love and familial/fraternal love. I have to embrace the scarier types too, because love is the source of a myriad of expressions and not just the ones we are comfortable with. This revelation also helped me understand why it has always been easier for me to embrace the love of an omniscient being who “has” to love me because my “worthiness” or “me-ness” was immaterial to the situation.

The good news is that I did, amongst other emotions, feel peace realizing that my motivation to wield love, while incomplete was propelled by a true desire to help others shine their light in the world, and not to manipulate anyone to my particular point of view, or acceptance of anything I have to offer. The nature of love, which according to my faith is always rooted in qualities that are clearly laid out in and evolved throughout the Old and New Testament only really come to mean anything at all when put into action. The expressions are myriad depending on the individual and the kind of love whether it’s from spiritual love called “agape” which is the highest form of love, to “philia” a brotherly/sisterly love, to “eros” the desire and passion between people in love. While the substance of love is the same for all three, the expressions or how we wield it is not, so I’ve come to understand. And, as I learn to fill in the emotional gaps in my year of faith, in hopes of being more effective and powerful at wielding love in the world, (the lessons of which I choose to keep close to my heart), I have to start with me. I am who I am, just as God has created me to be and am worthy of the kind of love I desire, all of us are, even though I’m not sure what that means at this point. Again, what motivates me is the key, and as I fumble forward anything rooted in fear or old beliefs is unacceptable, so I am, within the framework of my faith, tackling those things that don’t necessarily come easy, but I also know how important understanding love is, so I’m charging up that mountainside.

I also want to state clearly that I know how manipulative the world can be…I see it every day, especially on social media…but like I learned from the story of taming the wood fox in “The Little Prince”, it’s so much harder to be manipulated when the proper rites of establishing ties are followed, and taking the time and having the patience it takes to “waste” time for those you establish ties with is a clear part of the equation…and it is the only way to transform how someone sees a wheat field.