Category: control

Power on a Higher Plane

Here is a beautiful picture of a hummingbird in my back yard, curiously I chose it to represent my power. I’ve been thinking a lot about power these days as I move into my future with freedom of movement. I am reminded of an old post I wrote about power and where I stand in the midst of it…I knew the power of the observer, from a quantum level and I wondered the part God had to play in our visible observations. Like most, I wondered, is God a particle or a wave? Particles exist in a defined space, while waves spread out over a region and can’t be pinned down. At this point in time, like light, I believe God is both a fixed point and spread out over our universe. I like to believe that we humans are the fixed point where God chooses to reside, for those who embrace the power of love, and our actions and intentions spread out creating ripples, trajectories of power. I want to stress again, the incredible power an observer has in shaping what a life journey will look like. We must be active and willing participants in what takes shape in our world amidst the good and the bad. How we engage with the world has an impact on it and the beliefs we have about it do too.

The words of scripture have shaped much of who I am as an observer, my outlook on the world and how I behave in it. I would like to believe that the power of the Word, as John speaks of it in the beginning of that gospel: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God”, guides my every movement, and yet being human I know I have succumbed to becoming deaf to it when the voices of fear, hate, judgement and sadness seemed just too loud. The tether God has to me, though, by my personal belief, choices, and experience, brings me back eventually. While my circle may be small, I still take my influence in it very seriously…as we all should in our own circles. I know that my small ripple when combined with others does impact our world. As an observer, I want the fruits’ of my labor to build trust, love, faith, hope and ease fear, pain, anger and sadness and move our evolution forward toward a greater cosmic love. I want my power to come from the gift Jesus left me through his death and resurrection, his grace and presence in all of our lives and not in the traditional structures of power built around him that limit human ability to live according to their own blueprint and instead live according to someone else’s truths. I’m not saying all traditional structures are like that…I don’t propose anarchy, just those who proclaim to have power when they don’t or claim to act in love when, by their behaviors reflect the opposite. Remember the Saviors last command…that they will know we are disciples by how we love one another and ourselves.

There is a particular exchange about power that I have been fixated on, in involves an exchange Jesus has with Pontius Pilate before he is crucified:

So Pilate went back into the praetorium and summoned Jesus and said to him, “Are you the King of the Jews?” Jesus answered, “Do you say this on your own or have others told you about me?” Pilate answered, “I am not a Jew, am I? Your own nation and the chief priests handed you over to me. What have you done?” Jesus answered, “My kingdom does not belong to this world. If my kingdom did belong to this world, my attendants (would) be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not here.” So Pilate said to him, “Then you are a king?” Jesus answered, “You say I am a king. For this I was born and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice. “Pilate said to him, “What is truth?” When he had said this, he again went out to the Jews and said to them, “I find no guilt in him. But you have a custom that I release one prisoner to you at Passover. Do you want me to release to you the King of the Jews?” They cried out again, “Not this one but Barabbas!” ‘Now Barabbas was a revolutionary. Then Pilate took Jesus and had him scourged. And the soldiers wove a crown out of thorns and placed it on his head, and clothed him in a purple cloak, and they came to him and said, “Hail, King of the Jews!” And they struck him repeatedly. Once more Pilate went out and said to them, “Look, I am bringing him out to you, so that you may know that I find no guilt in him.” So Jesus came out, wearing the crown of thorns and the purple cloak. And he said to them, “Behold, the man!” When the chief priests and the guards saw him they cried out, “Crucify him, crucify him!” Pilate said to them, “Take him yourselves and crucify him. I find no guilt in him.” The Jews answered, “We have a law, and according to that law he ought to die, because he made himself the Son of God.” and when Pilate heard this statement, he became even more afraid and went back into the praetorium and said to Jesus, “Where are you from?” Jesus did not answer him So Pilate said to him, “Do you not speak to me? Do you not know that I have power to release you and I have power to crucify you?” Jesus answered (him), “You would have no power over me if it had not been given to you from above. For this reason the one who handed me over to you has the greater sin.” Consequently, Pilate tried to release him; but the Jews cried out, “If you release him, you are not a Friend of Caesar. Everyone who makes himself a king opposes Caesar.” When Pilate heard these words he brought Jesus out and seated him on the judge’s bench in the place called Stone Pavement, in Hebrew, Gabbatha. It was preparation day for Passover, and it was about noon. And he said to the Jews, “Behold, your king! They cried out, “Take him away, take him away! Crucify him!” Pilate said to them, “Shall I crucify your king?” The chief priests answered, “We have no king but Caesar.” Then he handed him over to them to be crucified. 

So, in the middle of last night, I called upon the Savior and we had this exchange as we walked in my favorite place;

I’ve been thinking a lot about power these days as my movement is freed up, both in the physical and spiritual world…

I can see that, congrats! His smile so happy and encouraging.

Tell me about those moments with Pontius Pilate…

He sighed and said in a calm manner, I actually felt a bit sorry for him.

Why, I asked, surprised.

Because he seemed to believe that he had a power that was never his to begin with. It is the greatest hubris to think because your power rests in worldly structures that you have the right, or ability to determine what would happen to the path God laid before me and I embraced, and then somehow believed he could stop it from happening. Once I accepted my Father’s will in the garden, when I saw all the faces and beautiful blueprints of those who would benefit from my sacrifice, the power was in God’s hands alone and I stood strong and stoically in that power, even knowing what was to come. Pilate knew it and it made him afraid.

What happened to him? I asked

I will tell you this…his life ended in exile and death…completely powerless. But do not rest in revenge…it is just an example of reaping what you have sown…

So how do I navigate worldly power, even if it is illusory, it can impact how I walk in the world…

Remember one of our earlier conversations… just because someone says they have power over you doesn’t make it true, just as someone telling you that the actions they are taking are rooted in love just because they declare it to be so or using my name as the authority to do so. Look to all I have taught you and let that be your guide, and know that the only true and real power resides in God, in love…while you may be in the world, do not be of the world. Show the world your actions where the true source of your power comes from. You have given your life over to this journey, and understand that you have everything you need to bring the fruits of your labors of love to the world. While worldly power can and does influence your path, giving you opportunities to share your gifts, when you embrace the gift of my grace, my power becomes your power, my heart augments your heart. Also remember the plans I have for you are not for worry or woe, but for love and prosperity. You must, though, release control and let me, let love, lead the way. I have your back…and that is how you honor my sacrifice. It is the effort that you put into your journey now, that will reap the greatest benefits. There will be no shortcuts, but you’ve been preparing for this most of your life, and I will always be present to pave the way for all good things to be possible. The source of your blueprint is God alone and your expression of it resides in God alone.

Would it make you mad if I told you that I am a bit terrified? I said, cautiously. I have no idea what to say to people most of the time…it always comes across a bit awkward. Plus I have no idea how to present my art to the world…

He laughed and said, Let me remind you of the words you love from the book that so touched your heart: words are often the source of misunderstanding…it is with the heart that one sees rightly. I have placed people on your path who will provide loving sustenance, just as I have put you on other’s paths to do the same. You are not alone on this journey, you are part of the Body of Christ that is actively building in the external world the Kingdom of Heaven that resides within all you. Embrace that, embrace those you have tamed and have tamed you, and joyfully move forward into the kind of happiness that Teilhard so wisely talks about. There will be always be people who desire to rule over others, and they generally choose those who feel powerless to begin with.  Feeling powerless opens the door to being seduced by someone with illusory power who will promise you anything in exchange for a part of your soul. However, when you know where your true source of power comes from, you will attract those who will empower you and also be empowered by you. Take all you have learned on this journey and apply it to every situation, those lessons are a part of you now. Move with love into your future and like I have promised you everything you pray for in goodness shall be given to you, and remember what I said about worry…it won’t add a minute to your life, you only need the faith of a mustard seed.

We embraced and I finally went to sleep

To conclude…I have never cared much for worldly power structures, especially as a mechanism to express my blueprint…but others do, and that may create an obstacle or two. But I am clear on this…I will stand firm in the power of Love to move me forward, as well as embrace those, who in partnership, are aligned with me to bring the Kingdom within to the outside world…you are loved by me and an omniscient God, that will never change and you will never be alone.

Timing on a Higher Plane

Here is the next half hour…it doesn’t look much better, yet.

Do you ever feel that if only you had received the necessary information at the time you could have saved yourself a lot of emotional angst and struggle? That describes my feeling in the moment…and yet I completely understand that if that said information would have been laid out for me in a complete picture diorama at the time, I wouldn’t see things the same way as I do now…which is a good thing, I’ve decided. It appears, that I missed plenty of signs, validation, glaringly obvious messages leaving me feeling pretty dense for someone who claims to be a pretty acute observer in the world. In the moment, I felt a bit foolish and embarrassed, until I realized that God’s/love’s timing is definitely not my timing. So, I am choosing to believe that my delayed awareness was intentional, to give me time to get out of my own way, out of my own head and not run for the hills in complete panic. It was a particularly unexpected lesson in letting go of control, asking for help and clarification and then allowing God/love, to help me see what I was missing. When I let go of control, (and I am not saying become a puppet) because I had clearly hit a wall and was stuck in the stalemate of my mind…I focused on all I have learned recently, and the past I’ve let go of, and focused on everything that love promises, and suddenly, the blockades came down, and the path ahead suddenly seems clearer, which, I guess, carries its own set of problems…namely there are no more excuses, its time to start moving and let go of the worry that some how I will fuck this up…which, at this juncture is pretty much impossible…the new information sealed the deal for me. I just need to adjust the rhythm of my life now and move according to a different timing, which isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Having the freedom of movement is wonderful…but new choreography, especially when you’re not the only one dancing, still takes practice.

I also read what Jesus says about worry:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat (or drink), or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil

Today, I am a bird, a flower in a grassy field in all its splendor…I have all I need.

Sitting in the Dark with No Control

The above photo is a picture of a black hole I got from the NASA website. I figured it was apropos for this post because I am going to get a bit esoteric, which makes me grossly uncomfortable. This may seem a bit counterintuitive, for a person like me, given my chosen path and all that is presented here. I am, however, a pragmatist at heart and never would have continued to devote myself to this journey, if along the way I found no empirical evidence for what I am proposing here: my continued belief that cosmic love can and will save us all. I have recorded, throughout the years, exploits of challenging constructs as well as facing my own challenges to the ideals and axioms that have become the foundation to me moving forward. While pretty comfortable after all this time with the belief that I am on the right track…it appears that another break through was in order regarding the fundamentals of my/our present reality. Mind you, this is exactly what I am praying for all the time, to be a spiritual explorer, ready to face the unknown and soar to greater heights and yeah, I know, after all this time I should know better that what I think I am praying for may turn me on my head…and it did.

After a particularly daunting day, where up is down and down is up…and nothing made sense, especially the new concepts that I am working to wrap my head around, a functioning Noosphere, and its applicable and empirical relationship to the physical world, I was completely spent. It’s still a bit too theoretical for me and I was really getting confused about what was illusory, and what was real leaving me to wonder, then, how I was supposed to apply uniting the “within” to the “without” of the physical world in a pragmatic way. What followed was the reminder that I spent an inordinate amount of time along this journey releasing ideas, rules, permissions that no longer served the information I was uncovering and discovering right now, and yet I got the distinct impression I was still holding onto to some of those antiquated ideas and behaviors. And perhaps because I needed a crash course, I believe I was intentionally plunged into a darkness so deep, that I have never felt, like ever, along with the clear message that I had absolutely no control in this situation except to utilize “the Noosphere” and reach out to love there who would have all the control. Usually the colors and interactions I experience in my mind’s eye are amazing, but instantaneously that was turned into silence and blackness. It was terrifying and my first thought was that I was doomed…which was devastating, especially perhaps, because I was afraid that my gut reaction was a truer reflection of what little faith I had in my own hypotheses, which just added to the awfulness of the situation. In the deep dark, I did try to breath and remember that I was exploring unknown territory here, a road never travelled (at least by me, anyway), so I said these words I remembered when studying world religions: “from the mud the lotus grows”. So, as much as possible in my mind/heart/soul I sunk into the mud and let love take control.

With all my senses closed off, The only solace I got in this immovable darkness was a whisper from my spirit guide to remember that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things…love never fails, so reach out with your heart to the love which you cannot see, but can feel, for until you relinquish control to the love that exists on this higher plane, you cannot move forward. The next 24 hours were, well, a new experience for me…and slowly the darkness dissipated into greyness then to whiteness. While I’m still not sure what it all means because the movement from dark to light didn’t present a picture of anything…I did feel and was moved forward by love. I know it wasn’t a figment of my imagination either because afterwards, I could tell that I functionally began to interact with the world differently because the change had come from the outside in. The details are personal, but I guess I was surprised to learn how much control I thought I needed in my life and the idea of losing it was terrifying but was also what kept me from moving forward. At this point I do believe that “control” is the biggest illusion of all. While it is true we do control how we respond to our own personal set of circumstances, the belief that we have control over them and the particulars of our future is folly…there are just too many initial and continuing conditions we face that obliterate that idea. I am reminded that God answers all prayers asked in goodness, and to trust that in every situation, even those where it appears that our prayers are falling on deaf ears, Love has all the information that we do not, and requires us to have faith our prayers are being answered, especially in these moments. Releasing my control and trusting in cosmic love has opened a new door to unknown territory and I take up the challenge to explore where it takes me even if that road looks completely unexpected and unfamiliar. I am equipped with everything I need and it is my job to trust and believe in cosmic love that moves me forward.

A final thought…I had a dream last night where I picked pomegranate seeds, currants, grapes and shredded pink carrots out of a bowl at a banquet and placed them into a bowl of thick cream for a wonderful treat…

Faith and Conflict

I wasn’t planning on posting today, but I am in such deep internal conflict, that I felt compelled to respond to well,…I don’t like my words from past posts used against me (which it intuitively feels like, not sure)…even if or when appropriate. It feels passive aggressive and well, more a mechanism to invalidate and pass judgment than appreciate and understand where someone is coming from. While I understand no one can understand a person’s soul, I think I’ve laid mine out pretty consistently here, and regardless of how flawed this journey has been and how damaged I may be, there has been an evolution from older to newer posts…and yet I am still a person of consequence in God’s eyes, and should be treated as such. Kahlil Gibran says that your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite, and that neither reason nor passion should rule alone. Reason without passion is confining, while passion without reason is self-destructive. They are the rudder and sails of the soul; both are needed for a controlled journey. I have always taken this to heart because often the greatest conflicts are internal, and as Gibran says, one must constantly treat passion and judgement like two loved guests in your house giving equal honor and attention to both. I try to also take Jesus’ advice to remove the plank from my own eyes before I point out a speck in another’s. Again, while I’m not always successful, I am the painter in this situation, and I always start with my own canvas first.

Even wielding love requires balancing reason, judgement, passion and appetite. And it is pretty obvious that I’ve treated one guest, reason and judgment in my soul better than the passion and appetite and in the attempt to balance them out it may have gotten a bit messy, especially moving into a space that I never intended, expected or understood how completely overwhelming it could be. Gibran also suggests that loving in secret is a way to protect the love itself from the “foolishness” of revealing secrets and the pain that comes from exposure. He advises keeping passion concealed, as it is both a secret and a medicine, and its hidden nature is what protects it, much like hiding troubles can keep you safe. And while I see the wisdom in that from an individual perspective, unfortunately I believe it conflicts with the love that is commanded of us by God. While praying and giving in private may be a mechanism to insure one’s motivations are pure, and to please God, love is not something that is done in secret, but proven by actions, actions that say to the world that no one should be embarrassed by love… in any form. And, as I have alluded to by my vibrant and vivid dreams of being naked all the time, also tells me that hiding love is something none of us can afford to do right now, so I won’t even when I feel cornered by emotions that are completely overwhelming. I will continue to love unequivocally and unencumbered by personal invention and in accordance to my faith, even knowing that it can and will cause me discomfort, awkwardness and at other times elation. So, there is the unvarnished truth that I didn’t want to share…and yet did. I am walking solo in my own shoes forward into a future that is terrifying yet at the same time rooted in the wonderful blueprint that I was born with and a faith that God has a future for me also rooted in joy and not sorrow. Let me conclude with another line from Gibran: let love be a moving sea between the shores of your souls, its seems to fit my particular situation perfectly.

Faith and the Moment

A change in scenery is often a benefit for me when I am stuck in a place where I feel an inability to move anywhere, on any level. So, the chance to go to Louisville Kentucky to experience the bourbon capital of the world and a Jim Gaffigan concert to kickoff of his bourbon tour by a dear friend of Steve’s was a gift from God (even though, honestly, I don’t like bourbon…like AT all). Staying at the amazing 21cMuseum hotel that also housed its own museum of modern art, which I don’t understand but fell in love with anyway, was the perfect context to appreciate and embrace the emotions that I didn’t understand either. Before the trip I prayed that I would be in the moment for every personal interaction and make good eye contact and let the moment itself lead the way. What followed over the next few days, while exhausting and invigorating at the same time, stilled many of my fears about what and how to feel. I simply chose not to control them, and regardless of how awkward I felt about what the “right” thing to do was, or put any particular name or parameter on them, I just felt what I felt and let my heart guide whatever came out of my mouth (which for someone as cerebral as I am, was a bit like riding a bike with a blindfold on). It wasn’t always perfect, but it was true and honest, which I guess is the best that I could ask for.

I had amazing encounters, for example, I loved the trans concierge who I made sure to keep eye contact with while we bonded over funny stories. She was “obsessed” with my eyelashes and couldn’t believe they were real, told me stories about her ex and the Green Bay Packers and I showed her my latest painting and then asked if I could take her picture because I wanted to paint her. I’m not sure if she believed me, but I got her contact info and look forward to the surprise she will receive someday soon. There was also a moment when I was able to with a look and a give heart gesture with my thumbs because I didn’t know what else to do to give comfort to a server who dropped a whole tray of glassware at the bar and had the wherewithal to ask first if everyone was ok, and was so upset she had to leave the area, but not before I flashed her what hopefully was my sign of been there done that and don’t worry about it. She smiled, though, in a real way…so maybe it helped. I chose, specifically, to make eye contact with the doorman, and thank him for all the great info he gave us about Louisville and oh the smile that lit up his face! I focused on all the staff at the distilleries and restaurants who served us and thanked them personally (because you know they all wear name tags). I think I freaked a few of them out…but the fact that I had to use my umbrella after a while for a cane because my hip was literally killing me from all the standing and the walking we did made me seem a little less, well, weird, I guess. I think there are a lot of people in the world who go about their day doing hard work for others who never get noticed and I made it a personal commitment to notice everyone I had contact with. And it was lovely, and yet, because you know there will always be another side…I was also forced to acknowledge that no amount of training will change the reality that my other hip was clearly coming to a point of no return and would need replacing…like soon. So, amidst the pain of everything emotional, the pain of the physical was right there too but in a weird way it put me in the perfect place to deal with my emotional weakness. Pain seems to have a way of keeping me from faking anything…at all. As an aside, my last hip replacement was a dream, I walked out after less than 24 hours, with just a cane, and was pretty much back to normal after just a few weeks (which is also when Steve nearly killed himself in a bike race). And who knows, maybe there is another mountain or cliff to climb in my future…always good to have goals, right?

The weird thing about letting my heart do the walking and the talking on this trip is that it is also when I felt most deeply that letting go of control, of trying to choreograph what something is “supposed” to look like is when I felt the power of God, of love the most deeply. I want to be very careful here, because I’ve heard plenty of tales of “love made me do it” as a way to justify behavior and other kinds of bullshit, and that isn’t what I’m saying at all. What I am trying to say, however inarticulately, that while I understand cognitively what love means to me, as the force and power that propels me forward from a standpoint of belief, I also needed to allow “it” to be what actually moved me, in whatever form it needed to take without my own baggage getting in the way of it, especially without my interpretation of the what the “rightness” of it should look like. I hope this isn’t too confusing but simply saying that I learned to let go and let God seemed too trivial and stupid, for all the upheaval it has caused me. While I have not completely let go of all the compartmentalized crap I’ve held onto for so long, I have moved beyond it to hopefully a freedom to trust my own heart and allow it to feel what it feels and trust that it will be in accordance with what God requires of me.

I did continue to have trouble sleeping. In the quiet the feelings I avoid would manifest themselves quite powerfully leaving me in a puddle much of the time…but that’s all I’ll say about that. The good news is I never felt alone, ever, but just needed to “let go and let God”, as it were (plus Steve sleeps like the dead so I didn’t have to worry about keeping him awake).

All in all, the trip was incredible, with great restaurants and distillery tours and tastings, and especially the Jim Gaffigan concert, and being able to attend his after party. I don’t think I’ve laughed that long and hard for a very long time. Who knew Louisville and learning to become bourbon forward would help me have faith in living in the moment, but it did.