So what a year it has been. Training to wield love amidst, (I was going to say something more delicate but sadly the truth can’t be couched) SO MUCH SHIT is probably the most brutally effective and yet demonstrably most uncomfortable way possible. And yet now that I am at the end of this year of learning to wield love I’m not quite sure how adept that I have become. What I have learned is to strip down what love is not. It isn’t contingent on anything, it isn’t rigidly defined, it isn’t earned, it is not limited to religion, or what is culturally appropriate. It is not self contained or controlling, it is not present because of the use of the word…it is present because of the substance of the energy that it is. I know that last bit may be confusing, but the most important lesson I’ve learned this year? I have learned that most people don’t have a fucking clue what love is especially amidst the pain, struggle and challenges that most of us face in our lives everyday. The very power we should turn to to manage the struggle is circumvented by anger, hate and blame, sometimes couched in the very name of love that we are supposed to seek. That kind of love, the righteous, judgmental and fire and brimstone kind has nothing at all to do with the true nature of love. The love I’ve embraced, been overwhelmed by and grieved by the loss of, is made so much more clear by the darkness that has surrounded me…because then the love and its light is so much brighter.

And yet my greatest weakness in my training has been to curb the desire I have to rage against the unmitigated bullshit that people give to justify hate, lies, bias and racism, sexism, greed and so much more. I have had to revisit all the many things I’ve learned over that last five years to refocus all the emotions that come with movement in this world that is the antithesis of all the gospel preaches and just move forward with purpose, clarity. truth and love and find ways to embrace all that my faith teaches me, regardless of what I receive in return. Most of the time, in the moment, I think I’ve failed miserably this year. But now as I look back over the year, I do see progress. I have learned to set boundaries, demand as much from others as I am willing to give them, and love in the way that brings my heart joy, instead of someone else telling me how I should do it. I’ve learned to respond to hatred with kindness and expanded my prayers to include those that are not kind-hearted.

But the most important thing that I learned this year? I am certain that scripture’s words are my heart’s words also when it comes to defining love. It is patient, and kind, slow to anger and doesn’t celebrate fault, it is deliberate and the opposite of fear, it is omniscient and omnipresent, it is the source of everything and NEVER used in judgement or to punish. It never fails…and as long it is the source of my heart, neither will I. I also learned that I will wield love in any instant that threatens any person, place or thing that stands in opposition to it. That is powerful, and frightening and beautiful.