Tag: blueprint

Power on a Higher Plane

Here is a beautiful picture of a hummingbird in my back yard, curiously I chose it to represent my power. I’ve been thinking a lot about power these days as I move into my future with freedom of movement. I am reminded of an old post I wrote about power and where I stand in the midst of it…I knew the power of the observer, from a quantum level and I wondered the part God had to play in our visible observations. Like most, I wondered, is God a particle or a wave? Particles exist in a defined space, while waves spread out over a region and can’t be pinned down. At this point in time, like light, I believe God is both a fixed point and spread out over our universe. I like to believe that we humans are the fixed point where God chooses to reside, for those who embrace the power of love, and our actions and intentions spread out creating ripples, trajectories of power. I want to stress again, the incredible power an observer has in shaping what a life journey will look like. We must be active and willing participants in what takes shape in our world amidst the good and the bad. How we engage with the world has an impact on it and the beliefs we have about it do too.

The words of scripture have shaped much of who I am as an observer, my outlook on the world and how I behave in it. I would like to believe that the power of the Word, as John speaks of it in the beginning of that gospel: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was Godā€, guides my every movement, and yet being human I know I have succumbed to becoming deaf to it when the voices of fear, hate, judgement and sadness seemed just too loud. The tether God has to me, though, by my personal belief, choices, and experience, brings me back eventually. While my circle may be small, I still take my influence in it very seriouslyā€¦as we all should in our own circles. I know that my small ripple when combined with others does impact our world. As an observer, I want the fruitsā€™ of my labor to build trust, love, faith, hope and ease fear, pain, anger and sadness and move our evolution forward toward a greater cosmic love. I want my power to come from the gift Jesus left me through his death and resurrection, his grace and presence in all of our lives and not in the traditional structures of power built around him that limit human ability to live according to their own blueprint and instead live according to someone else’s truths. I’m not saying all traditional structures are like that…I don’t propose anarchy, just those who proclaim to have power when they don’t or claim to act in love when, by their behaviors reflect the opposite. Remember the Saviors last command…that they will know we are disciples by how we love one another and ourselves.

There is a particular exchange about power that I have been fixated on, in involves an exchange Jesus has with Pontius Pilate before he is crucified:

So Pilate went back into the praetorium and summoned Jesus and said to him, “Are you the King of the Jews?” Jesus answered, “Do you say this on your own or have others told you about me?” Pilate answered, “I am not a Jew, am I? Your own nation and the chief priests handed you over to me. What have you done?” Jesus answered, “My kingdom does not belong to this world. If my kingdom did belong to this world, my attendants (would) be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not here.” So Pilate said to him, “Then you are a king?” Jesus answered, “You say I am a king. For this I was born and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice. “Pilate said to him, “What is truth?” When he had said this, he again went out to the Jews and said to them, “I find no guilt in him. But you have a custom that I release one prisoner to you at Passover. Do you want me to release to you the King of the Jews?” They cried out again, “Not this one but Barabbas!” ‘Now Barabbas was a revolutionary. Then Pilate took Jesus and had him scourged. And the soldiers wove a crown out of thorns and placed it on his head, and clothed him in a purple cloak, and they came to him and said, “Hail, King of the Jews!” And they struck him repeatedly. Once more Pilate went out and said to them, “Look, I am bringing him out to you, so that you may know that I find no guilt in him.” So Jesus came out, wearing the crown of thorns and the purple cloak. And he said to them, “Behold, the man!” When the chief priests and the guards saw him they cried out, “Crucify him, crucify him!” Pilate said to them, “Take him yourselves and crucify him. I find no guilt in him.” The Jews answered, “We have a law, and according to that law he ought to die, because he made himself the Son of God.” and when Pilate heard this statement, he became even more afraid and went back into the praetorium and said to Jesus, “Where are you from?” Jesus did not answer him So Pilate said to him, “Do you not speak to me? Do you not know that I have power to release you and I have power to crucify you?” Jesus answered (him), “You would have no power over me if it had not been given to you from above. For this reason the one who handed me over to you has the greater sin.” Consequently, Pilate tried to release him; but the Jews cried out, “If you release him, you are not a Friend of Caesar. Everyone who makes himself a king opposes Caesar.” When Pilate heard these words he brought Jesus out and seated him on the judge’s bench in the place called Stone Pavement, in Hebrew, Gabbatha. It was preparation day for Passover, and it was about noon. And he said to the Jews, “Behold, your king! They cried out, “Take him away, take him away! Crucify him!” Pilate said to them, “Shall I crucify your king?” The chief priests answered, “We have no king but Caesar.” Then he handed him over to them to be crucified. 

So, in the middle of last night, I called upon the Savior and we had this exchange as we walked in my favorite place;

I’ve been thinking a lot about power these days as my movement is freed up, both in the physical and spiritual world…

I can see that, congrats! His smile so happy and encouraging.

Tell me about those moments with Pontius Pilate…

He sighed and said in a calm manner, I actually felt a bit sorry for him.

Why, I asked, surprised.

Because he seemed to believe that he had a power that was never his to begin with. It is the greatest hubris to think because your power rests in worldly structures that you have the right, or ability to determine what would happen to the path God laid before me and I embraced, and then somehow believed he could stop it from happening. Once I accepted my Father’s will in the garden, when I saw all the faces and beautiful blueprints of those who would benefit from my sacrifice, the power was in God’s hands alone and I stood strong and stoically in that power, even knowing what was to come. Pilate knew it and it made him afraid.

What happened to him? I asked

I will tell you this…his life ended in exile and death…completely powerless. But do not rest in revenge…it is just an example of reaping what you have sown…

So how do I navigate worldly power, even if it is illusory, it can impact how I walk in the world…

Remember one of our earlier conversations… just because someone says they have power over you doesn’t make it true, just as someone telling you that the actions they are taking are rooted in love just because they declare it to be so or using my name as the authority to do so. Look to all I have taught you and let that be your guide, and know that the only true and real power resides in God, in love…while you may be in the world, do not be of the world. Show the world your actions where the true source of your power comes from. You have given your life over to this journey, and understand that you have everything you need to bring the fruits of you labors of love to the world. While worldly power can and does influence your path, giving you opportunities to share your gifts, when you embrace the gift of my grace, my power becomes your power, my heart augments your heart. Also remember the plans I have for you are not for worry or woe, but for love and prosperity. You must, though, release control and let me, let love, lead the way. I have your back…and that is how you honor my sacrifice. It is the effort that you put into your journey now, that will reap the greatest benefits. There will be no shortcuts, but you’ve been preparing for this most of your life, and I will always be present to pave the way for all good things to be possible. The source of your blueprint is God alone and your expression of it resides in God alone.

Would it make you mad if I told you that I am a bit terrified? I said, cautiously. I have no idea what to say to people most of the time…it always comes across a bit awkward. Plus I have no idea how to present my art to the world…

He laughed and said, Let me remind you of the words you love from the book that so touched your heart: words are often the source of misunderstanding…it is with the heart that one sees rightly. I have placed people on your path who will provide loving sustenance, just as I have put you on other’s paths to do the same. You are not alone on this journey, you are part of the Body of Christ that is actively building in the external world the Kingdom of Heaven that resides within all you. Embrace that, embrace those you have tamed and have tamed you, and joyfully move forward into the kind of happiness that Teilhard so wisely talks about. There will be always be people who desire to rule over others, and they generally choose those who feel powerless to begin with. Ā Feeling powerless opens the door to being seduced by someone with illusory power who will promise you anything in exchange for a part of your soul. However, when you know where your true source of power comes from, you will attract those who will empower you and also be empowered by you. Take all you have learned on this journey and apply it to every situation, those lessons are a part of you now. Move with love into your future and like I have promised you everything you pray for in goodness shall be given to you, and remember what I said about worry…it won’t add a minute to your life, you only need the faith of a mustard seed.

We embraced and I finally went to sleep

To conclude…I have never cared much for worldly power structures, especially as a mechanism to express my blueprint…but others do, and that may create an obstacle or two. But I am clear on this…I will stand firm in the power of Love to move me forward, as well as embrace those, who in partnership, are aligned with me to bring the Kingdom within to the outside world…you are loved by me and an omniscient God, that will never change and you will never be alone.

The Kingdom of Heaven on Higher Plane

When I was studying theology, there was a notable controversy among scholars on the meaning of the Greek words: entos hymōn when Jesus was referencing the Kingdom of God. Some translations interpret the words to mean, “within the circle, or among” meaning a direct challenge to the Pharisees, that Jesus himself represented the Kingdom of Heaven, that he was there among them, although they refused to see him as such. The other translations interpret these words as “within” you, meaning an internal spiritual reality that exists in one’s heart. While I was trained to understand the former meaning…I also believe after the efficacious death and resurrection of Christ in our physical history, for those who embrace his Grace through his death and resurrection, means that now the Kingdom of Heaven actually does reside within us. So at this point in time, the argument among scholars is mute because for those who choose, Jesus’ presence does lie within each and every one of us now. What that means for every individual, I believe, is different depending on the blueprint and path each of us were meant to fulfill. This corresponds with what Teilhard explains as the work of evolution, the Kingdom that is actively present, being built moment by moment in everyday human labor, moral striving and love and affection for each other. It is Love that is the unifying energy that draws human minds and hearts together…which also aligns with what Paul says in Corinthians, that we are all parts of the Body of Christ. The expansion of the Kingdom of Heaven relies on, especially on a higher plane, embracing others who are our equals in genuine relationships dedicated to the ever evolving power or love.

I think this is the reason that I focus so deeply on treating every person as if they were of consequence. Two of Jesus most famous metaphors, the reality of the Kingdom of God within and the parable of hiding the lamp under a bushel basket become a powerful directive to how it will be manifested in the world, and specifically, on a higher plane. Jesus says this in Luke 11:33

No one who lights a lamp hides it away or places it (under a bushel basket), but on a lampstand so that those who enter might see the light. The lamp of the body is your eye. When your eye is sound, then your whole body is filled with light, but when it is bad, then your body is in darkness. Take care, then, that the light in you not become darkness. If your whole body is full of light, and no part of it is in darkness, then it will be as full of light as a lamp illuminating you with its brightness.

So that is the challenge, right? How do we keep the lamp of our body full of light? It is a continuous journey demanding faith in who we are as a beautiful blueprints of God, and our ability to project its light into the world. Notably, it won’t be through our words, because the light is in our very soul, our very being…and it also reminds me of one of my favorite passages in “The Little Prince”: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye…it is the time you have wasted for your rose which makes her so important, you become responsible forever for what you tame. To me, that means that our eyes never lie…the heart speaks invisibly through who we are and not just what we do and say and how we hold those relationships, those we have tamed, in deep care that exemplifies the deep emotional fulfillment kind of happiness that Teilhard talks about. So hiding oneself in the face of an uncompromising set of circumstances or culture, treating the Kingdom as if it were a solely private or internal feeling, or finally, allowing worldly anxieties or material pursuits to overwhelm us can and will smother the light and pull it into darkness.

The last couple of days, have been transformative and deeply encouraging. I am not alone, none of us are, and for those whom I have tamed, and have tamed me, let us be safe havens for each other and let our light shine into the world and dispel the darkness. Love is our catalyst and our guide, and I offer my augmented heart with his heart to a greater transcendent whole. Let the adventures begin!

Lies and Living on a Higher Plane

Today is my mother’s 95th birthday, as well as my country’s 250th birthday…both fill me with conflicting emotions, hence the subject of this post.

This is an uncomfortable topic for me, I admit, given my history, and I also admit that I am not always adept at knowing when someone is lying to me or not. I usually take people at face value in the beginning…assuming they presumptively tell the truth, especially since most people want to put their best foot forward right away (and yes, I know, some lie about that too). And because I often feel like I’ve been thrown into a game where everyone else knows the rules except me, I do pay attention to what follows afterwards to see if their behavior is consistent with the words that come out of their mouths and how they treat other people. I have spoken before of being a person with no filters, so I believe that I am borderline incapable of the kind of deception that creates a persona that doesn’t really exist, and it kind of freaks me out at how good some people are at creating a whole new external facade than what truly lies underneath. And while I used to see that as a weakness, perhaps it is one of my greatest strengths. Modern culture thrives on the fabricated and presents people who society should mirror as smooth and sparkly in the attempt to create a template of the flavor of the moment, both for what a person “should” be and then offer the kinds of products or ideologies that can make the rest of us sparkly as well (I’m not just speaking here in the US, but globally). There is also the flip side to this negative worldly influence on those authentically smooth and sparkly people who just want to shine their blueprint and are obstructed or inhibited to do so by the tendency of masses of individuals who obsess over, and idolize their gifts and talents rather than use that influence as inspiration to develop their own. Putting someone up on a pedestal above the rest does nothing to help anyone’s authenticity, since we are all of the same fabric. While its true we all have different gifts, and are on a spectrum of how they are developed and used in the world, remember, we are all on this journey together and it is incumbent upon us all to do our fair share. It’s more than appropriate to celebrate the talents people are born with and the hard work they’ve put in when sharing those gifts to the world, it’s quite another to anchor oneself to them and emotionally feed off them like a vampire…they end up depleted, and leave many gifts left undeveloped.

Since I started this journey so many years ago, I have learned to listen to my gut, my intuition, my native good judgement a lot (even if sometimes it takes a beat). All the lessons that I have learned along the way were hard won, and have taught me to let go of illusions and falsehoods that have cluttered my life for so long, so believe me when I say that the most important requirement of living on a higher plane is rejecting all that bullshit the world is trying to shove down our throats that corrupts who God created us to be. Maybe I was lucky to be born the way I was, without smooth and sparkly attributes, because I’ve learned that life isn’t supposed to be like that, and there is no magic product or social construct that can make us perfect except for adhering to who and what were created to be in the first place…and I firmly believe that God created us intentionally, with the exact gifts necessary to fulfill/complete the journey we were placed here to make to not only evolve personally, but to use our gifts to evolve humanity, the only necessity for growth being love, and learning to wield it in the world. And I will say that most of my grief at the moment is recognizing how much energy, from important people in my life was put into keeping my own blueprint from shining (which I truly believe is the result when the illusion of one comes face to face with the authenticity of another). Rather than seeing it as an Achilles’ heal, though, I have chosen to see it as a strength, one that has made me even more forceful (my badass butterflyness), and more dedicated to following the path God has laid before me. I have come to understand that there is a power in being unknown and pretty much invisible, because better than most, I can grow unimpeded by all the vacuous enticements out there…like clothing that shrouds rather than enhances our true selves, they just don’t fit me, like ever.

As far as wielding love in the world to establish, grow, and shine our blueprints, it is more of a logical than mystical process than people would think, and also a mechanism to determine if someone is being truthful or not. I have spoken before of using logic when referencing leadership and love, and if you pay attention, you begin to realize that putting faith in either one has to be rooted in the truth of beginning with if how you present yourself to the world. So, instead of looking at whether an argument is valid, let’s use logic to determine if a person is being valid. If someone presents themselves as one thing, but behaves in ways that are contrary, they are not who they say they are. Even if a person truly believes the illusion they present to the world, (for a host of reasons from no self knowledge, to the more nefarious) the truth of that illusion will be exposed eventually, because that is the nature of truth. Let me be clear, self knowledge is not only hard because it is entangled in all the past damage/hurt/fears that have come before, but also because the world itself encourages so many of us, in order to be successful or thrive, to become something “other” to be acceptable. The result is that there are too many people out there who aren’t clued into their authentic selves, and that they don’t really know or understand the gifts they bring to the world that are not only meant to drive the passion for their path forward, but build the connections with others they were meant to influence and affect. I know how arrogant that sounds, I really do, but I’ve been at this game (and it is a game, of sorts) long enough and been dismantled down to the bones enough to recognize that authenticity is one of the fundamental rules of living on a higher plane and moving evolution toward the Love that initiated everything.

Choosing to reject the world’s illusions has always been an essential part of my journey, so choosing to live on a higher plane, then, ups the ante even more. Walking unhindered by a host of things that can obscure or twist the blueprint we were created to be is even more necessary out on “the water” because gaining a solid proprioception is impossible when covered in illusion, or rooted in falsehoods, because then a person cannot walk unhindered, they just sink. I can’t become a facsimile of the person I was created to be, as dictated by societal appropriateness and expectation, or bypass the work of evolution by pretending to be something I am not, because it not only inhibits my ability to successfully live my truth and bear good fruit from the gifts I was born with, it completely corrupts them. The true path to shining one’s unique light on a higher plane has to be based on the perfect creation the God of Love intended you to be, flaws and all, societal acceptance be damned. To choose otherwise, decreases your ability to shine your unique light at its brightest, which in my mind is the same as allowing the darkness to dim your light (or as Jesus said, hide it under a bushel basket). It also means that whatever comes out of our mouths must also be the truth as we know it at the time, because as we all know, developing our “blueprint” as I call it is an evolving proposition, as the truth of the world expands its presence. We all have to be willing to make mistakes, and to fail at times, to be sure, but mistakes for the sake of evolving is what is required. We have to be willing to embrace our own personal dishevelment and look foolish for the sake of growth, and still focus on how our unique talent helps the whole lot of us evolve. The connections we make, demand truth, demand our authentic selves. Lies, illusions, and all the subterfuge that come with modern living will ruin those connections. I should know, I have first hand experience…both of being lied to and trying to conform myself to what I believe the world thinks is appropriate…and I don’t really like it, so acknowledging those experiences, I chalk them up to learning to love unequivocally with even more power. To wielding love I am dedicated and sure…and I will never break the promises I’ve made to those I choose to love and send love to…the Savior didn’t, and neither will I…whatever the expression.

Reaping What We Sow and Standing Together

I feel like I’m at a pivotal point in my journey forward. Leaving false humility aside, I cried like a baby when the above painting was finished, it was a soul wrenching experience of beauty for me. After a bit more than seven days of its creation, when I was done with it, I soaked it in and deemed that it was good (the reference to the creation story was intentional). The gifts that I have been blessed with are beginning to manifest in a powerful way, standing as proof that all that has come before in my past is a result of the painstaking work of getting my hands dirty cultivating and building my house, my blueprint, on solid rock that will withstand all that the world may throw my way (even amidst the walking on water images I use, my “building of stone” floats easily šŸ˜‰ ) . Most importantly, I have not done this on my own, in fact, none of us have. No gift, or fruit, regardless of its goodness is a result of a solitary effort, but comes from a myriad of sources, many of which remain in the background. I suppose it is why I harp so much on the idea that we are all connected, that we are all of consequence and are all essential in moving evolution forward. In the center of all of this is the faith I have in the uncompromising affirmation of a personal God, who provides for and loves us with watchful care and who’s love is revealed through the wakening of souls and bringing us together. It is through learning to love unequivocally and allowing myself to be loved that cracked my soul wide open, and it is in awareness of, and gratitude for this experience that has readied me for whatever is to come next.

Jesus shares a powerful parable after the end of his sermon on the mount where he lays out behaviors that are necessary to be known as one of his disciples. In a cautionary way he warns them against false prophets who come to them in sheep’s clothing saying by their fruits you will know them, that it is impossible to pick grapes from a thistle or thornbush, essentially meaning a bad tree cannot bear good fruit, only a good tree can do that. Goodness can only come a store of goodness, evil comes from a store of evil…its as simple as that. He likens being known by good fruit as to building a house on solid rock that can withstand all the pressures and scrutiny that life may bring. The building of which, by abiding Jesus’ teaching, is as important as the fruit itself. I am responsible for “the tree” and “the building” and keeping it good, according to Jesus’ teachings, how the world sees and grows from my gifts…well that remains to be seen. But as I always say, to quote Julian of Norwich: All will be well, all things shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. Shine that blueprint of yours! I am praying for you and sending unequivocal love your way.

Faith in Dishevelment

It is interesting to me what has come to mind just standing still…much of it is just the active clutter in my head by which I often am able to draw a singular thread of interest and beauty out of the colossal magnitude of stuff that floats around in there. The singular thread I was able to extract at the moment was this: I do not have faith in those who are “perfect” in the eyes of the world, shrouded with layers of shellac that are shoved in our faces every day. Nor do I trust the growing trend of “cool” dishevelment, a look that says, “I’m chill and relaxed” but still costs a fortune and hours to prepare. In my mind that kind of fakery is almost worse. I’m not condemning trying to put your best foot forward or celebrating one’s own inherent beauty whatever your personal style dictates…go for it, with joy, there are many of those I send my love to who do just that. I absolutely love fashion and all kinds of performance and have many beautiful friends. If I’m honest, though, what I have the most faith in and what I find most beautiful are the moments I catch of otherwise beautiful blueprints in a state of dishevelment. Let me be clear, I am not saying I relish when someone is at their weakest or ugliest, I always send a quick prayer of love their way, or that I only have faith in the unattractive moments of people. What I truly am saying, is that from someone like me, who notices almost too much detail when I observe the world and I see beauty absolutely everywhere, it is in those moments, where life is moving you in the wind, however and whereever that may be and your first priority in the moment isn’t what you look like but whatever you are engaged in, that is when there is authenticity, purity and beauty that leaks out from underneath the usual masks people tend to put on, whether it is irritation or pain or sadness or a host of other emotions. In my job, where many if not all walk in our door at different levels of dishevelment, I’ve learned to appreciate the beauty that comes with vulnerability of physical pain, often accompanied by emotional pain too. In that dishevelment, I see an authenticity that I perhaps otherwise would not, and that is sacred to me, and also what makes our clinic a safe place. We are worthy of their trust, and it is also where my paintings and drawings are displayed because I want them to know they are worthy of my trust and seeing my soul too (and it helps me get ready for art show displays which for me are a bit discombobulating).

Living without filters usually means that I look disheveled most of the time. At this point I don’t mind because the process of life in my head commands most of my attention at the moment. Whether it is being all sweaty working out and still taking time to chat with people regardless of the gross level of sweat rolling down my face, dancing to a new favorite song while cooking in my kitchen like a pirate because of my bum hip, or the ugly cry that happens when I think about my bebe getting married at the end of this month and listening to the mother/son song I picked out, is where I believe my true beauty shines (an aside…guess where I found out they were going on their honeymoon? yep, my favorite place…an example of God’s great humor…AGAIN. I am truly happy for them though; I am over my possessiveness). I also discovered, while standing still, that in my present dishevelment, there is beauty in the shadows. I don’t need to be so embarrassed of my shadow side anymore, because it is as much a part of my blueprint as the more sparkly stuff I wear on the outside. And while the majority out there may not agree with my personal assessment about beauty and dishevelment, and may judge me for my own disheveled nature, it is no longer any of my concern. Go ahead, cloak yourselves however you need to, my journey won’t be affected here or otherwise, God will always have a better imagination than any individual, and I believe wholeheartedly the universal source of love has my back. So, for those in any measure of dishevelment…I see you and your true beauty.

The above picture is my studio, which I admit is a mess but a true depiction of the beauty in my mind, even if it is cluttered. After I took the picture, I realized that I had my first communion dress and veil hanging from my window…and it made me laugh.

Faith and Pain

While this topic has been in the forefront pretty much the whole year, honestly, I was afraid to tackle it knowing that when I choose a topic (usually rammed in the front of consciousness) it is often accompanied by a test in real life, so I’ve been avoiding it. But given the last few months, I think I’ve pretty much gone through the gamut, so it doesn’t feel like much of an issue right now. There are so many examples I could use to articulate how pain is inherently tied to my faith development that are deeply personal, and I will keep those closest to my heart. There is one, though, that I feel comfortable sharing because it involves participating in the great gift of creation, and being given the opportunity to celebrate in another of God’s powerful blueprints.

I was finishing my last bike marathon across Iowa, and for some reason I was really being affected by the heat…to the point where I almost fainted a couple of times. Of course, I was confused because the heat has never been an issue with me. I was standing in a cold shower at one of the contracted high schools where we all cleaned up and while doing some math in my head, I suddenly realized that I could be pregnant. While I didn’t say anything, everyone in my group knew about my heat sensitivity and when I started celebrating at the end of the daily ride refusing any alcohol it didn’t take much for them to figure it out. (which Steve was always irritated by because they knew before he did). While I was extremely healthy, I also had the worrisome issue of my spinal fracture and the warning the doctors had given me about carrying a child.

Because I am obsessively diligent, I followed every protocol, but it wasn’t easy. I carried the baby very low, almost below the break in my back, and it wreaked havoc on my pelvis. I even continued to work out and do aerobics classes (much to the chagrin of all the other women in the class who thought I was being reckless). By the time I was ready to deliver I could no longer drive because I couldn’t fit behind the wheel of the car. While I only gained about 20 pounds with my pregnancy, I swear the baby’s feet were pushing straight against my pelvis and their head against my belly. Anyway, long story short, during delivery, my bebe got stuck. My hips are very narrow, and while his head was crowned, their shoulder’s got stuck. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place (Connor was born with the broadest little shoulders I have ever seen…) After 3.5 hours of trying every possible position, including putting a suction cup devise on their head and pulling…two doctors determined they would have to push the baby back in and do a C-section.

During this whole process, I was freakishly calm and in problem solving mode (the nursing staff even made an award they gave me for quietest and calmest difficult delivery ever). Steve brought in Pizza at around hour 2 for people (he is always hungry) to which the doctor and my dad were ready to kill him for (by that time there was a crowd present). So, when the doctors told me what their plan was, I was adamant and told them absolutely not, after all this time I was not going to have a C section (plus the baby’s heart rate was stable). I told the doctor to take a leg, and my sister-in-law to grab the other, and the other doctor to push from behind and we were going to get this baby out. It worked like a charm. There were tons of complications after which I won’t go into, but I do realize that creation is a risky endeavor, especially for me but I knew that God was with me…hence my calm during the process. As I have mentioned prior, this beautiful creation has kept me on my toes my whole life, and the pain of participating in their creation and development was and is a central tenant to my faith development. There are countless other examples in my life where pain, whether it is emotional, physical or spiritual, in hindsight, was a central ingredient to the woman I have grown into, which gives me courage in this moment to weather through whatever is presently laid down on the path in front of me.

There are all sorts of opportunities to be a co-creator with God, even if it is simply manifesting one’s own blueprint, but I will tell you this: it absolutely cannot be done without pain, without effort, without sacrifice, without trial and error, without trusting oneself, and especially without faith, in whatever power of love, or universality you believe in. And when I’ve opined in my prayers at how confusing and hard this time is for me right now, my spiritual helper brought to mind that I need to have the same resolve that I did when I have faced the physical and mental challenges I have weathered, all of which has brought me to a more powerful place. I guess what I’m saying is that I was told to stop being such a melodramatic fucking baby about it and keep moving forward regardless of any emotional pain or discomfort…because I know it’s simply part of the process, one that I will pretty much guarantee will be rooted in wild pendulum swings of emotional upheaval, which is simply a microcosm of where the larger world swings right now too. So, know this…I am still sending out ripples of love outward, in the hopes that whatever pains of growth you are experiencing it will take you to a better place if you embrace it and learn from it.