Category: creation

Faith and Pain

While this topic has been in the forefront pretty much the whole year, honestly, I was afraid to tackle it knowing that when I choose a topic (usually rammed in the front of consciousness) it is often accompanied by a test in real life, so I’ve been avoiding it. But given the last few months, I think I’ve pretty much gone through the gamut, so it doesn’t feel like much of an issue right now. There are so many examples I could use to articulate how pain is inherently tied to my faith development that are deeply personal, and I will keep those closest to my heart. There is one, though, that I feel comfortable sharing because it involves participating in the great gift of creation, and being given the opportunity to celebrate in another of God’s powerful blueprints.

I was finishing my last bike marathon across Iowa, and for some reason I was really being affected by the heat…to the point where I almost fainted a couple of times. Of course, I was confused because the heat has never been an issue with me. I was standing in a cold shower at one of the contracted high schools where we all cleaned up and while doing some math in my head, I suddenly realized that I could be pregnant. While I didn’t say anything, everyone in my group knew about my heat sensitivity and when I started celebrating at the end of the daily ride refusing any alcohol it didn’t take much for them to figure it out. (which Steve was always irritated by because they knew before he did). While I was extremely healthy, I also had the worrisome issue of my spinal fracture and the warning the doctors had given me about carrying a child.

Because I am obsessively diligent, I followed every protocol, but it wasn’t easy. I carried the baby very low, almost below the break in my back, and it wreaked havoc on my pelvis. I even continued to work out and do aerobics classes (much to the chagrin of all the other women in the class who thought I was being reckless). By the time I was ready to deliver I could no longer drive because I couldn’t fit behind the wheel of the car. While I only gained about 20 pounds with my pregnancy, I swear the baby’s feet were pushing straight against my pelvis and their head against my belly. Anyway, long story short, during delivery, my bebe got stuck. My hips are very narrow, and while his head was crowned, their shoulder’s got stuck. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place (Connor was born with the broadest little shoulders I have ever seen…) After 3.5 hours of trying every possible position, including putting a suction cup devise on their head and pulling…two doctors determined they would have to push the baby back in and do a C-section.

During this whole process, I was freakishly calm and in problem solving mode (the nursing staff even made an award they gave me for quietest and calmest difficult delivery ever). Steve brought in Pizza at around hour 2 for people (he is always hungry) to which the doctor and my dad were ready to kill him for (by that time there was a crowd present). So, when the doctors told me what their plan was, I was adamant and told them absolutely not, after all this time I was not going to have a C section (plus the baby’s heart rate was stable). I told the doctor to take a leg, and my sister-in-law to grab the other, and the other doctor to push from behind and we were going to get this baby out. It worked like a charm. There were tons of complications after which I won’t go into, but I do realize that creation is a risky endeavor, especially for me but I knew that God was with me…hence my calm during the process. As I have mentioned prior, this beautiful creation has kept me on my toes my whole life, and the pain of participating in their creation and development was and is a central tenant to my faith development. There are countless other examples in my life where pain, whether it is emotional, physical or spiritual, in hindsight, was a central ingredient to the woman I have grown into, which gives me courage in this moment to weather through whatever is presently laid down on the path in front of me.

There are all sorts of opportunities to be a co-creator with God, even if it is simply manifesting one’s own blueprint, but I will tell you this: it absolutely cannot be done without pain, without effort, without sacrifice, without trial and error, without trusting oneself, and especially without faith, in whatever power of love, or universality you believe in. And when I’ve opined in my prayers at how confusing and hard this time is for me right now, my spiritual helper brought to mind that I need to have the same resolve that I did when I have faced the physical and mental challenges I have weathered, all of which has brought me to a more powerful place. I guess what I’m saying is that I was told to stop being such a melodramatic fucking baby about it and keep moving forward regardless of any emotional pain or discomfort…because I know it’s simply part of the process, one that I will pretty much guarantee will be rooted in wild pendulum swings of emotional upheaval, which is simply a microcosm of where the larger world swings right now too. So, know this…I am still sending out ripples of love outward, in the hopes that whatever pains of growth you are experiencing it will take you to a better place if you embrace it and learn from it.

Getting your Hands Dirty

getting your hands dirty

Bearing good fruit into the world demands that we get our hands dirty. Creating something from nothing, or building on something to make it better, paving a new road, establishing a novel idea, are never easy or smooth…because life isn’t supposed to be easy or smooth. The dirt under our nails, whether it is metaphorical or actual grime, is a testament to what we are willing to sacrifice to bring something to fruition. When ministry became my chosen profession, God gifted me with many opportunities to get my hands dirty in ways that were humbling and well, sometimes even gross, like unwanted interaction with bodily fluids. Serving Christ demanded I roll up my sleeves and get messy. More than anything, I learned that bearing fruit in a sterile environment is impossible.

I know I’ve said this before in different ways, but you can’t skip the middle of cultivating any dream by bypassing the dirty work. Too much of the final product is predicated on the will, imagination and effort necessary to struggle through mire in order to achieve success. While frustrating, it is perfectly normal for people who are in the middle of any pursuit to wonder if the difficulty will ever end, if it is worth it, if the fruits of labor match the effort and expectation. The road yet traveled can be a daunting proposition. For me, that is why faith is so important to the process. We don’t have to be alone in our pursuits. God is the ultimate safety net, and is ever present even in the muck. And, it is often amidst the muckiest of muck where true revelation lies. Always keeping your hands clean, or the process sterile, kills growth and can mean you miss the best lessons life has to show you. The best fertilizer for the greatest fruit is sometimes noxious. It’s a testament to God’s great sense of humor that shit is one of the greatest ingredients for growth…both literally and figuratively.

So, I say, life is not sterile. Some of the greatest fruits come from mud, even seeing more clearly.

John 9:1-11

“As he passed by he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so that the works of God might be made visible through him. We have to do the works of the one who sent me while it is day. Night is coming when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” When he had said this, he spat on the ground and made clay with the saliva, and smeared the clay on his eyes, and said to him, “Go wash in the Pool of Siloam” (which means Sent). So he went and washed, and came back able to see. His neighbors and those who had seen him earlier as a beggar said, “Isn’t this the one who used to sit and beg?” Some said, “It is,” but others said, “No, he just looks like him.” He said, “I am.” So they said to him, “(So) how were your eyes opened?” He replied, “The man called Jesus made clay and anointed my eyes and told me, ‘Go to Siloam and wash.’ So I went there and washed and was able to see.”

Seeing Red

red

Yes, I know what that statement usually signifies, it signifies anger. Taken from what a bullfighter’s red cape triggers in the eyes of the bull…blind fury, it means feeling so much anger that it takes control of one’s actions. For me red signifies something different. Red is a color that also signifies love, and when I see red, that is what I see. Seeing love doesn’t preclude feeling anger, I think anger can be a powerful force for change. It is the feeling of anger that moves us to challenge discrimination and senseless violence, to fight those who reject liberty and freedom. Love of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is the foundation of our country, and whenever that is attacked, we should feel anger, even if it stems from within our own borders. As the most powerful country in the world, we should feel anger at any force who would try and dismantle all the good that has been built and established by the brilliance of our forebears. The difference, though, between allowing the rage of anger to blind us into acting like a bull and wrecking havoc, and allowing the power of love to expand our sight into acting like one who is evolved enough to wield it, marks the distinction between animal and human. Choosing the former reduces us to raw instinctual response, choosing the latter is the reason God gave us dominion over the earth.

We are made in God’s image. And God is love. God made the earth and all living creatures in it and said that it is good. God, who breathed life into us out of love, gave us dominion over that creation. As people of faith…we should know this, we should abide by this. And we should fight for God’s creation, all of it. It is right that we should feel anger when that creation is threatened…but as people who were created in the image of love, this and only this is what that dominion should look like:

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated,  it is not rude, it does not seek its own interest, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The power of love should be our strength, motivation and triumph. It is unlimited and unbounded in its capacity to protect and nourish God’s creations…all of them.

Let me conclude with a powerful phrase that has guided me always:

The day will come when, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, humanity will have discovered fire.

Tielhard de Chardin

The power of love is the only omniscience that can abide in us. Through the blood of Christ, we are perfected in the power of that love. Only we can choose to accept the power of love, or the power of anger. I choose love.