Category: initial conditions

Standing Firm

Here I am…unaware…on my perch, waiting for tea, but picture taken because my new movement allows it, even though it is a terrible picture, which I would have at least smiled for had I known.

You. Are. The. Only. One. For me, this phrase is everything. I am the only one who has the power to reflect my unique blueprint to the world, through the gifts that I have been given. But I also am charged with understanding “the who” I was created to be, because that awareness is the most instrumental means by which I release those gifts to the world. I have struggled with this for a long time, because I was under the impression that there was a prescribed way to successfully present my gifts to the world be it as an artist, a writer, a philosopher, teacher, a whisperer, a wielder of love etc., etc. To say succinctly, this journey of mine has been one long glare into a mirror that was so fogged by outside influences, I couldn’t even see let alone recognize the person I was created to be. And as I have said multiple times, it was that voice that said to me: “you are mine” that was and continues to be the very root of why my transformation was possible, whether you think I’m delusional or not, the end result is hard to argue with. I am the wonderful expression of those initial conditions I was born to bear fruit from…so it took a really long time, big fucking deal, I know the ending to this story…Love makes everything work, even a slow learner like me.

I am, by nature, more comfortable in the background than in the forefront. That can be a blessing and a curse…because its easy to hide there. And, after all this time, I can confidently say that I do see the world in a way that is beyond most people…again, I use the word beyond because of all the adventures and challenges that I’ve been through and thus have gained a pretty unique perspective (and I know very clearly that I am not the only one who can attest to what a unique perspective brings to each blueprint’s story…). I could list a whole bunch of other attributes, but I won’t, because my point here, simply, is to say that the “how” I put my gifts into the world has to be a reflection of those initial conditions which have taken a lifetime to uncover and develop.

My approach to sharing my gifts to the world is and will be rooted in the quiet bravery I have committed to, and one that honors those gifts. I believe to the depth of my soul, I was created like this for a reason. I love being nestled in the woods, the quiet of my studio, and the world of my mind that continues to expand as I explore the unknown world of the “within” that Teilhard’s Noosphere represents. And yet I am more than aware of the command I have from my Loving God…to move along the path laid down for me, regardless of my discomfort and how it may push the limits of my comfort zone. I truly believe Teilhard’s philosophy is rooted in the Gospel and lays out a path to build the Kingdom of God that is dependent on all of us, the timing of which belongs to God alone and not me (and the thing I probably push back against the most). I don’t care about pubic acclaim or money (which is easy to say perhaps because I don’t have either đŸ˜‰), but I care passionately about what my gifts can do when offered out into, unequivocally, the world, embracing the belief that I am not in control, but God/Love is. I also believe that it is the love in my heart through God and others, that have helped me develop my gifts…which I think you can see the development of over the years. I. Am. The. Only. One…For you, I hope this doesn’t come across as arrogant, but simply as a declaration that exponentially our blueprints are expressed, not as the world intends, but as God/Love, the author of this play, intends. Look in the mirror…learn to see and understand how and why you were built the way you were, flaws and all and love what you see back. I learned the hard way, you can’t wield love in the world until you wield it to yourself first.

One last caveat…none of us have to do this alone, the genius of our creator is that, if we allow ourselves to be tamed by those aligned in love, we will have all the help we need to move together, and for the second time in the history of the world…discover the fire and power of cosmic love.

Faith in Initial Conditions

Put your thinking caps on, this post is a bit heady. So, in chaos theory, a chaotic, or nonlinear system like weather or a singular human’s progression are deeply dependent on the initial conditions of the system’s starting point. Its opposite would be linear systems whose movements are predictable based on limited initial conditions, like the throwing of a ball or movement from A to B in a straight line. A chaotic system is often hard to predict because even the simplest change in a condition when there are a multitude, known as the butterfly effect, can have a dramatic and often times large effect on a future pattern. Unlike its name, however, chaotic systems are not random and when graphed out mathematically like a fractal for instance, are beautiful depictions of beauty and order. It is continued faith in the chaos, that even out of a seemingly randomly placed trajectory merging with another, a sense of pattern and beauty can emerge. Often looking back in hindsight, I have recognized the beauty of a pattern I didn’t even know existed that made the journey so much more worthwhile. In the unfolding of one’s own life pathway, taking time to understand one’s beginning and then supporting those initial conditions (that I believe are gifts from God built into our DNA) regardless of how chaotic they seem at any given point is an important element in learning how to shape and direct them into the future. It is a chess game of sorts, full of careful planning when we begin to recognize patterns and then make moves accordingly. It is the most important work of personal evolution and at times the most difficult, and while we never, ever should assume that chaos by its very nature is bad, but a long-term trajectory of your own butterfly wings it is also true that there is also chaos created in this world whose sole purpose is to act as a weapon against the fruition of your trajectory (which is another way of saying someone is acting against God’s gift of every individual purpose). The chess part is learning to understand when and how chaos can help you and navigate around the crap that hurts you.

When I think about the initial conditions that comprised my journey as a human, there is one that set the tone and tenor of every movement forward for this particular butterfly. At my inception, I was the third child of five. My parents had a two-year-old boy, and an eleven-month-old boy on the day I showed up (also called Irish triplets). During my mother’s pregnancy, there were complications with the RH factor which made it even more stressful. Concerned and fearful my father went to church and offered God a deal. He said if his unborn child were to be born safe and healthy, that the baby would belong to Him. He then told me afterwards, when I was born healthy that I would scream bloody murder whenever he came near me for at least the first six months, a testament to how I felt about this particular arrangement? perhaps. He never told me this story until we were having a conversation about why I chose the career path I did. He sheepishly said that he might have something to do with it and told me the above story. While my dad was a great storyteller, he was a devout man and never suffered fools. For me anyway, at this point, it added some context to the trajectory of my life. Also note, I am not saying in anyway shape or form that I was chosen by God for anything different than anyone else…except to say my dad offered God a deal and once I climbed that mountain that particular initial condition had expanded its trajectory with my own acceptance of said deal. I am also aware that this butterfly had absolutely no idea where the weather would blow, so even in the face of all the naysayers, I just followed the tune in my head and tried to find the order in chaos.

One of the reason’s I think it is so important to contemplate the initial conditions of our individual lives is based on a line in scripture from the book of Jeremiah 1:5:


The word of the LORD came to me thus:

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.

So, what does this mean? Simply, I think it means that God does indeed have a plan for us, that we are all born with all the necessary skills and the appropriate initial conditions to fulfill that plan. I will never say that our lives are predetermined, while there are some that do, I do not subscribe to that idea, because it renders null and void the freedom of choice: that we embraced in the story of Eden, that the reason Jesus came to earth was so we had the choice he presented to each individual, and for human beings to do incredible shitty things to each other. Our human world is flawed, complicated, beautiful and sinful all at the same time, which is why I so readily accept the fact that my limited perspective definitely needs a source of guidance and strength not of the human kind as well as the help of the human kind trajectories of other like-minded individuals on the same kind of journey that have come in contact with mine. It’s also the reason I’ve learned to become a pretty effective cosmic chess player in recognizing what kind of chaos is good and what kind is not.

While you can’t change the past or the initial conditions of who you were called to be, you can take a moment to look inside and figure out and understand what those conditions are and how you’ve helped or hindered your path forward. It is also totally fine, at any given moment to have no idea whatsoever, but please believe that God does. Simply breath, keep moving forward with love and have faith that they will guide you along your way.