As I stated at the beginning of my year of faith, I based my journey on its definition in scripture: the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Whereas trust, is defined as: a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Over my lifetime, the two words have merged and have become so intertwined, because there was far less “proof of things not seen” and clear evidence of the reliability, strength, and the presence and activity of God in my life. When it comes to people though? That is a much trickier proposition for me, which is why I harp on the “taming” process so much. (see prior post on taming). Building faith and trust in someone takes time and effort. The jumping off point, though, has to start with faith, faith in the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen…that the possibility of future trust exists, one step at a time.
While this year has been a weird and challenging one for me, especially exposing and sharing personal experiences and feelings that run contrary to my nature, especially acknowledging the presence of my spirit guide (the implications of which either strengthen the faith and trust others have in me or obliterate it), leading me onward and as a result, I have become someone entirely new, not a 2.0 version, but a 10.0+version. And while I am rock solid in that assessment, I’m sure some are not, because words are often the source of misunderstanding, especially in translation from other languages and there is nothing I can do about that except to encourage you to take the time and develop the hindsight that gives you greater strength in your own faith in the God of love, and then perhaps, vicariously, trust in me, which is also why I love the line from “The Little Prince” which says : “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
I have learned that faith without trust is merely an academic proposition which does nothing for wielding love in the world, and through this journey I have been challenged to work and build upon what I am weakest at, and at times have also failed miserably at, only to pick myself back up, reassess and learn from my mistakes, of which there are a plethora, and begin anew. Admittedly, my track record for trust in people was abysmal in the past and I have learned to have empathy for those who fall into the same traps I did at one time. I do realize, however, that in order for all of us to fix what is broken in this world, working to strengthen the trust we have in each other is essential in order to save it. None of us can do it alone, and if we find those blueprints that we can love and celebrate with along the way, the whole endeavor will be worth it.
For now, my spirit guide says (here I go again…) that I must stay off social media because it is fucking with my head, and can only post here and the art that I complete on my Instagram and Facebook accts (which I’ve already broken once or twice…habits are hard to break). I am also still just standing in the still point and being open to receive which I hate but am trying to learn from. My son gets married on Friday, so a bit of celebrating is exactly what I need. Keeping transparent, the above picture is the so very tired me…what happens with a more than a month of hardly any sleep…hopefully that will change soon. As ever, I love you, and you will never be alone.
The above picture is a perfect depiction of what my future path looks like. Usually from this place on the road you can see for miles…the fog was so thick, I could barely see the headlights of cars coming at me.
I don’t think the universe wants me to sleep, like ever. I was woken up at 1:30 in the morning by the app on my phone for the doorbell camera letting me know that my internet/router was not functioning. So, I got up and went downstairs only to find the router unplugged, my guess was that Steve lost the remote and couldn’t turn off the TV (same old nightmare, different day…and my guess was right, btw). Muttering like the cartoon Fred Flintstone character, I made myself a tea and opened my computer…big mistake. First, I can see on this blog if there is a particular category, tag, or keyword that is searched; I find it interesting to see what others are interested in. One I saw in particular, was a poem I wrote for my father on his birthday after he died. Of course, it cracked my soul wide open, and considering my present condition I was mortified to be so exposed…so I left this site and looked at more mundane fodder on my social media feeds. Boom, another slam. There is a place that I hold as my most sacred and beautiful, a place with so much magic that it has become the place I go to in my mind to meditate, to dance, to listen to my spirit guides, and it became in an instance not just my place anymore but an opportunity for another. While I should have been happy that others could see its magic, I wasn’t…and that revelation was problematic for me, no one else, just me. No place in the world can be just mine, which of course I already know rationally, but none of this is rational, of course. It also showed me how it feels to have the world go rolling by without me. In standing still, it suddenly occurred to me in the scheme of things how irrelevant at this point in time I am…at least that’s how I felt in the moment.
I can honestly say that in my interesting life I have never suffered from FOMO, i.e. fear of missing out. If I wanted to do something, I just did it, period and absorbed and learned from every moment. At this juncture, though, when my spirit guide more or less commanded that I stand still and be open to receive, which I dutifully did and was momentarily pleasantly surprised, said guide had now turned the tables to show me another side of standing still, one that I didn’t like at all, mostly because it reflected badly on me. When I should have been happy that there are those, whose journeys are taking them to new and exciting adventures, I was emotionally miserly and crushed at the thought of all that I was missing standing still here in this place. To add insult to injury, I couldn’t even remove myself to the mystical safe space I just mentioned because it had been, in my mind anyway appropriated and compromised. The profundity of that revelation, that I could be so unbelievably miserly and jealous about I place that I DON’T OWN OR HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER was mortifying. I haven’t felt such a deep want and need for something to remain only mine in a long time, and the petulance that came with it was gross. I’m sure all this personal sharing is also the reason I don’t sleep well anymore either, because I do loath it from the depths of my being. But I truly believe it is what is required of me on this journey. Telling the truth, even if it is unsightly keeps me real and flawed and hopefully gives me the credibility that I practice what I preach…even if at times I do it badly, I am at least willing to try.
So, I asked my guide what to make of all this. Why couldn’t I be happy to share, be patient or calmly keep standing still until I figured this shit out? I hated the answer because I also knew it was largely focused on the kind of love I’m weakest at, but he said this, and I’m still not sure what it means yet: “In order to love unequivocally, you have to be willing to love, even though it may mean you are not part of receiving any benefit from it at all, then and only then will you be equipped to not only wield love wholly, but also receive it wholly. Understanding these feelings is also how you know when to move forward. If it is from a place of envy and fear of missing out, then you are not being unequivocal, so until you can come to terms with what your motivation is, not generally, but specifically, and whether or not you truly want to be unequivocal in this instance, then just stand still until you do. The truth of the matter is that choosing to love unequivocally is the exception and not the rule right now and you have to be willing to embrace the kind of love you preach so eloquently about and for the love of God ask for help when you need it. Also, let me remind you that standing in the still point isn’t doing nothing. It is when you really come to know your dance.” I have to be honest, I already thought I was there…but as per usual, I am not, as evidenced by how pissed off and sad I am at standing still right now. For now, I will remain on what feels to be a sinking ship at the moment, although I do have to say that I am also an excellent swimmer.
“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless; Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is, But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity, Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards, Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point, There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”
The above quote from T.S. Elliot, is from a poem I remember reading when I was helping my father correct some English papers when I was younger…for whatever reason this line stuck with me and it came to mind yesterday. Ready to start the day, by girding my loins for whatever lesson came next with the express sense that I wasn’t going to like it at all…my spiritual helper’s voice boomed in my head: “You’re going to do nothing but stand still and be open to receive whatever comes your way.” Immediately, I was flustered because doing nothing has never been an instruction, an inclination or justifiable approach to any problem I’ve been presented or faced…I mean like, EVER. So in my head I stood still and didn’t move…and I didn’t like it, and was reminded all throughout the day to be still and receive and listen, like I was some sort of a toddler. But I did, and strangely, things did come, without any effort on my part and it was admittedly a little freaky, even though I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. Even though I barely slept…(which you can see by the bags under my eyes) and it is starting to become a pattern, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in awhile, because perhaps I can discover my dance at the still point and still have faith that God will not give me a stone when I need a loaf of bread.
While I still “feel” like I am walking in the dark, I don’t have the inclination to rush forward anymore, with a sense to just to get it over with. Slow, and still and being open to receive isn’t my go to, but for now it will have to do. Standing in a the still point, being open to receive took more faith than I ever realized. And in truth, for the first time in my life, for one who claims faith comes so easy, I felt like I was demonstrably bad at it (and I hate being bad at anything). Its humbling, and scary and I don’t know where I’m going but I’m beginning to believe strongly, and not just in a cognitive way, but in a heart way that it will be just as God planned, because my commitment to wielding love, unequivocally hasn’t wavered, so it gives me courage to keep taking one step at a time, and when I need to, to simply stand in the still point of my turning world.
So, living in the throes of painful emotions is not fun. One, because I am not good at them or understand them as evidenced by the shit show of the many incarnations I expressed over the last few days, and two, I had to take a moment to stand still to figure things out which I also wasn’t sure I wanted to do either. I simply find it easier, sometimes to just get lost in movement, like I usually do. So, I made a concerted effort to step away and then stand still in my messiness to ponder this: In my desire to wield love, what is my real motivation? Is the reason I am freaking out, that I am wielding it incorrectly? What is it that I want out of it? Am I being manipulative in any way, shape or form? And then, once the dam broke, the whole wellspring of feelings came pouring out all over the place. So, when the flood waters abated (pun intended), what was left exposed was one of my greatest fears, one that was drilled into me by multiple sources who should have known better…that the kind of love I desired and wanted to wield in the world, was not possible unless I changed who I was, because I am impractical and wildly imperfect and have such impossibly high standards and continue to push myself and others to be better relentlessly, or because there was not a person on the planet who could relate to someone so complicated, intense and driven like me, a spiritual whirling dervish, of sorts. Again, this is simply a revelation about what I was told by the most influential sources that surrounded me. And while I am aware that some acted on my behalf, because I know I can be difficult and a handful at times, I had to live with the sound of my soul on mute for a large part of my life, and as an observer that had an incredible effect on how I saw and at times still see the world. It is also the reason that I am so committed to doing whatever I can to help every individual out there know they were made just as God intended and hope no one ever has to live a moment of their lives with their souls on mute. So, for me, it was the appropriate time to acknowledge some difficult truths, that wielding love can never be done partially, with the kind of love I understand easily and am comfortable with, like spiritual love and familial/fraternal love. I have to embrace the scarier types too, because love is the source of a myriad of expressions and not just the ones we are comfortable with. This revelation also helped me understand why it has always been easier for me to embrace the love of an omniscient being who “has” to love me because my “worthiness” or “me-ness” was immaterial to the situation.
The good news is that I did, amongst other emotions, feel peace realizing that my motivation to wield love, while incomplete was propelled by a true desire to help others shine their light in the world, and not to manipulate anyone to my particular point of view, or acceptance of anything I have to offer. The nature of love, which according to my faith is always rooted in qualities that are clearly laid out in and evolved throughout the Old and New Testament only really come to mean anything at all when put into action. The expressions are myriad depending on the individual and the kind of love whether it’s from spiritual love called “agape” which is the highest form of love, to “philia” a brotherly/sisterly love, to “eros” the desire and passion between people in love. While the substance of love is the same for all three, the expressions or how we wield it is not, so I’ve come to understand. And, as I learn to fill in the emotional gaps in my year of faith, in hopes of being more effective and powerful at wielding love in the world, (the lessons of which I choose to keep close to my heart), I have to start with me. I am who I am, just as God has created me to be and am worthy of the kind of love I desire, all of us are, even though I’m not sure what that means at this point. Again, what motivates me is the key, and as I fumble forward anything rooted in fear or old beliefs is unacceptable, so I am, within the framework of my faith, tackling those things that don’t necessarily come easy, but I also know how important understanding love is, so I’m charging up that mountainside.
I also want to state clearly that I know how manipulative the world can be…I see it every day, especially on social media…but like I learned from the story of taming the wood fox in “The Little Prince”, it’s so much harder to be manipulated when the proper rites of establishing ties are followed, and taking the time and having the patience it takes to “waste” time for those you establish ties with is a clear part of the equation…and it is the only way to transform how someone sees a wheat field.
I told my son Riley, that when he got married, I was going to get a separate pair of shoes for the reception, so I wouldn’t break myself like I did at the last family wedding. They are comfortable and pretty snazzy if I must say so myself. Metaphorically? I think they clearly represent something else as well. Let me start with this: at this juncture in my life, I am no one’s mother, wife, administrator, fixer, chef, student, teacher, or the multitude of other roles I’ve fulfilled diligently (even if imperfectly) up to now. Nor am I the figment of imagination that exists in the minds of people I have no direct contact with out in cyber world. At this specific moment, I am walking unhindered by any expectations others may have of me in how to proceed forward, which feels pretty blind right now. It’s all new territory, much of which I admit I don’t have any rational grip on yet. I know my heart has been struggling a lot with love trajectories and in trying to get messages and observations out there that are simple, understandable and pure…but that’s not really how life works is it. So, for me, standing alone in my own shoes…I have to figure out how to have faith in my own badass butterfly feet. (This was where I paused my draft…)
And, as it happens…a full day later after I paused this draft…and the timing of which is indisputable proof that a huge lesson was coming my way, shit hit my shoes…
The day started with the deep sadness of losing a patient to suicide, Steve tried to help him overcome autoimmune struggles and a dependence on Benzos..(to treat anxiety and other nervous system diseases). The patient was so kind, and I was a bit of a wreck…which is a perfect time for the darkness to strike. While not going into too much detail, a conversation derailed with another patient, who I clearly believed misunderstood something I said, and in my attempts to explain, it escalated even further. The words got loud, and I got him back to a room, but also refused to be chastised for starting “something” which I admit, got me even more riled up (and yes, it could have been my ego). When the patient was leaving, he wanted to continue his outrage, and I directed and followed him outside. Thinking it was time to transform into my badass butterfly, I yelled too, refusing to succumb to his description of the conversation and challenging him on gaslighting…which was the wrong thing to say, and it riled him up further. As the shouting match became untenable, I said that we should stop, and I had to get back to work (plus I was visibly shaking by this point). Once I got inside, a patient grabbed me and hugged me. I apologized, and tried to slow down my breathing.
As I went back to my desk, I saw outside our window that the police had come and stopped the patient from leaving. I didn’t think, I just walked outside and greeted the police and told them that I was the other party that was engaged in the very loud argument. I wanted them to see I was ok. I tried to mitigate the situation by explaining the shouting match by putting my hand on the patient’s shoulder and saying that it was just a heated conversation that got out of hand and apologized for breaching the peace. I guess a couple people called from the parking lot (we share it with a grocery store). I showed them my ID, and went on my way. They stayed in the parking lot, this guy giving a speech for about a half hour. I didn’t care what he said, because I should have figured out early on that he really didn’t care about anything I had to say at all. Since it was lunch time, I made my way to the fitness club where I work out during lunch. Still shaking, it took me an hour of hard work to settle down.
Being a badass butterfly, didn’t feel the same as it did in my dream. The emotions storming through me were too tumultuous at the time and I felt exhausted, defeated, incompetent in wielding love that I so confidently preach about. Thankfully, my older brother settled me down when I called him (thanks John…I love you) and helped to focus my effort to stand up for myself in my own solitary shoes, the emotions already surfacing from tragedy, and that even though I was acting from goodness, I can’t control the results, and the phrase from the Little Prince about words being the source of misunderstanding suddenly popped into my head. And most importantly? I am imperfect and have to learn from the situation. After lunch, I went to the two suites that surround us to apologize for the unprofessional argument only to hear that they were truly worried about me, this little woman standing while a man screamed in her face (I screamed too, but I get the physical imbalance of the situation). There was no swearing, no name calling, just me standing against what I felt was an unjust portrayal of “what I meant, and what I actually said” and in all honesty, that was all I cared about…my own clarification. Perhaps I am just being naive again, while I never thought I would be harmed, none of those in the other offices felt that way and stood on guard to help if anything happened.
Wielding love, at that moment was hard and for my part was an abject failure. I don’t have a security team, or popular presence showering me with adulation like so many people who are in the spotlight fighting against hate and violence or simply celebrating their beautiful blueprints with the world. And while I know that all situations have their difficulties, I sympathize with all the small lights out there who are walking alone in just their own shoes and trying to be a presence of love in the world. There are so many examples of how overwhelmed people are at this time in history, and every action can fuel the flames or give them a reason to hope. I am sad, humbled, and at the same time in awe of the strength I showed in the moment. I also realize, however, walking in my solitary shoes is harder than I thought and that I need love sent my way too, so trajectories? please send some my way….
The woman sat quietly on a rock facing blowing sands of the desert as a guide approached her. “You’re new,” she said.
He sat beside her and asked, “How are the love trajectories going?”
“Is that meant to be sarcastic?” she replied, immediately irritated.
“Perhaps, a bit,” he replied, “it feels a bit silly and naive” he added.
“What is that supposed to mean?” she said.
Well,” he said cautiously, “I think you are focusing on the more frivolous aspects of, what do you call them, ‘ripples of love’…
“Hmm, there is nothing frivolous about any kind of love, especially when I know that the song of my heart rings true, and I will not allow anyone, even you to make commentary on it. Thats not why I am here, and you know it.” She felt suddenly cold but knew the moment she set in motion had arrived.
“Ok, he replied, “Then why are we here?”
“Why should I tell you, isn’t it your job to instruct me?” She turned to face him.
He laughed and said, “Come on, I have been present in your life all along, you know the sound of my heart, you should be able to guess pretty accurately by now”
To which she responded, “Oh Serpent, we both know you don’t even have a heart”
Taken off guard, he said “What did you call me?”
She responded quietly, “Yes its true, you have been present in my life all along. You were there in every trauma, every obstacle, and every attempt to break me.”
Shifting quickly, he said: “Yes I have, especially in that faulty human structure of yours, the challenges, of which I am particularly proud to have thrown you off your game…I must say you have functionally allowed me to place limits on you in so many ways.”
“Once again, serpent, you’ve completely misread the situation” the woman challenged back, “While I don’t know how much of your hand was involved in my broken spine, the autoimmune diseases, or damage from accidents, you completely fail to understand how the grace I received transformed all those challenges, no, transformed me into the defier of odds, a beneficiary of strength I never would have known otherwise.” She said with a growing confidence that comes with saying it out loud.
“And yet I’m telling you; it will only crush you in the end.” He said, in a way only a serpent could.
The woman didn’t miss a beat, “You’ve said that before through the doctors who told me early on, that without the surgery, I would never carry children, and I had two, they said I would be walking with a walker by 40, and I’ve ridden my bike hundreds of miles across this country, camped out and hiked, sailed, climbed and learned to adapt to dietary restrictions, and health practices to curb my anxiety and focused on my brain and went to law school, and tried a host of other ways to pivot your attempts to break my spirit, my blueprint. You’ve stolen my smile three times, and three times, I did every protocol, and my smile came back. You have plagued me but never broken me. I’ve never taken an illicit drug, or painkiller ever, and I have embraced every necessary health regimen to be as normal as possible.” The woman looked directly into the serpent’s subtle shift in expression, “Your smirk is misguided! I have become something so much more and I celebrate my tenacity, strength and adaptability, so let me tell you, your threats of my demise are as empty as your soul, they do nothing but inspire me to work harder!”
His tone, becoming more ominous, said: “Celebrate all you like. You are but an insect, whom I simply enjoy torturing. What have you called our dance? Death of a thousand cuts?”
Laughing, she turned to him and said “An insect can also wreak havoc too serpent, look at any pandemic in history! It seems you don’t recognize the sound of my heart, after all. While you have received my sad message of taking a beat to stay intact as I wrote this post, know that it was simply a ruse to lure you here by feigning weakness, it dawned on me that sound, one you will never hear allows me to move beyond you, and around your machinations.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”, the serpent replied, “While you are correct that I don’t have a heart, I can feel the vibrations of your pathetic human heart caught in fantasies of sending out trajectories, fantasies of wielding love and bringing light into the world, which in truth, carry no greater weight than a spec of sand in the face of billions, and you think your sorry attempts matter at all? Right now, I am grooming multitudes into monsters, who will maim and kill and there is nothing you can do about it.
“Yes, it’s true…I’ve seen your latest handiwork at the Catholic School I know so well, Serpent”, the woman said in a slow condescending manner, “But please note, however, mine is not just a singular heart anymore, I am Eve, the first sinner, I am also Mary, the first saved…”
Showing a hint of irritation for the first time, the serpent, now in his true form said “So you figured it out, tread carefully woman, I too knew you before you were born, I tempted you to fall the first time, I will do it again”
“Oh, I’m not finished” the woman said, “I have come to learn, and to understand, and be transformed by a multitude of hearts that have crossed my path in a myriad of ways.” The woman turned quietly and said fiercely, “Though you can’t feel my heart, serpent, know that it is no longer just a frail human one shrouded in innocence and fear, it is augmented by His heart, His love, His gift of grace along with studying a millennia of your game playing and tricks, which, by the way, have more than blessed me with opportunities to find goodness in whatever you placed in my path this time around and I have become even stronger. So, hear me now, I am God’s whisperer, and I am not afraid of you or your chaos”
“As it stands whisperer” the serpent responded, “I can make it so no one will ever hear you again. I can make it so you become a joke, a woman who is delusional, a person of no consequence.”
“While you may try, and its true I am just a small woman whose great accomplishment is her simple persistent presence in the world, the multitude of experiences and interactions I have had in the world is clear evidence of the contrary. And remember the most important axiom of the Savior, all people are of consequence, faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains, and love never fails.” the woman continued, “And in all truth serpent, while you always focus on the big flashy picture, and the buildup of powerful tyrants and devastating wars, I, and others like me, have appreciated the power of the movement of butterfly wings to affect the future. I never needed to be big and powerful, although my path put me in the presence of some pretty powerful trajectories, just to see how at their core they are no more powerful a force than I am. The ripples of love already unleashed in the world in simple and ordinary ways are shining brightly in a manner that you can’t even begin to recognize…and you won’t because you don’t really know the sound of my heart, God’s heart, or anyone else’s heart out for that matter. The sound of those hearts is a chorus of love, the songs of their souls, the manifestation of the heavenly blueprint they were made to be and are shining their light in both simple and dramatic ways at this very moment, thus creating not just ripples, but tides of love, that you can’t possibly stop. I know this because you would need a heart to hear it, to feel it, and you would need to know the vibration of the sound of love, and how powerful it has become but you can’t. You may be the purveyor of lies, the Father of smoke screens, but those are temporary illusions at best and will not hold beyond the temporary chaos they create. The momentum has already begun; the tide is turning.”
The Serpent became angry and ominous and got in her face and spit out his final words “I will continue to bury this world in Chaos, noise and fear, and I will twist the Savior’s words like I have throughout history, and I will rip you and others apart like I have done since you ate that apple in the garden and unleashed sin into the world, and I will celebrate its demise”
Backing a step away, she thought for a moment and whispered: “That is the beauty of being just a small, ‘insignificant’ speck, one of many, we have, together, already defeated you. When Jesus died, and before he rose, he broke the walls of hell. You have relied on lies to cover this truth up, but they will no longer hold. The war has already been won with his sacrifice. What is left is each individual choice to receive his grace, to believe they are worthy of it. In this, I will succeed, because I have prayed for it, and if you know anything about His promises, anything asked for in goodness, shall be given to me” She paused and took a deep breath and said with authority, “Oh, and He asked me to tell you this: “You have lost the bet serpent, there is nowhere my love can’t reach. She is mine and I will be there for her, and when she calls me, I will answer,” She stepped back and looked into the void that were his eyes and felt calm and completely unafraid and said, “so let me add my message as well, a favorite quote from the priest and scientist Teilhard de Chardin, whose rhythm also beats in my heart: ‘Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, humanity will have discovered fire.’ And just so you don’t forget, let me repeat myself, though I may be small and seemingly insignificant in your plot, I have prayed for and sent out love to support the initial conditions of a multitude of beautiful blueprints God has created everywhere for decades, so we together, can take this newly discovered fire, this harnessed love and wield it in our world. Your biggest mistake was disregarding the simple movement of a butterfly’s wings, or the power of a mustard seed. Trajectories have expanded, the seeds of love have taken root, and their lights are shining bright. With God together we will wield love and bring the Kingdom to fruition.”
The serpent stood silent before her. She took a deep breath and said: “You tire me serpent…I brought you here to tell you that I am no longer afraid of you and the havoc you have brought into my life, you cannot and will not hurt me anymore. God won’t allow it, because I finally see myself clearly enough to have already asked Him not to allow it. God is unequivocal, Love is unequivocal, and now I am unequivocal. In every step forward, I am fire, harnessing love and sending it out without restrictions, without limits, fully and without fear with a deep abiding faith that in each and every visual light I see and prayerful whisper I release to every person I send it to, is a love strong enough to shape weather and move mountains. A love that is a seal on my arm, a seal on my heart, stronger than death and one that never fails. So, yes I will continue to send out ‘my trajectories of love,’ as you call them, and once they are received and it cracks open souls like it has mine, they will do the same, and begin to affect the world as only love can do and together we shall unleash the powerful blueprints we were all called to be, in all their myriad of colors and expressions.” She looked up to where the serpent began to dissipate and said, “And always remember, there is no place anywhere, even in hell where the love of God can’t reach.”
I know everyone experiences both love and fear, essential parts of being human. There is a difference, though, between what we experience as love or fear, and what power becomes its driving force. For example, it isn’t uncommon for a person to “love” something or someone in such a way that in fear of losing it or feeling undeserving of it that fear becomes more of a motivation than the initial experience of love. Scripture tells us that love and fear are mutually exclusive, so when fear is a stronger motivator than love, the results are never good.
Regarding the general environment of the world today, I often hear the phrase, “how did we come to this” meaning the general level of anger, bullying, violence, greed, mistrust, blaming, etc. I think its taken a long time to get here. When love and fear are so intermingled for so long, its hard to keep those corrupting forces at bay. If you’ve ever been to a Christian wedding, I’m sure you’re familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, which espouses the many qualities of love: patient, kind, not jealous, not pompous or inflated, not rude, does not seek its own interests, slow to anger, doesn’t obsess over injury, does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in truth. Importantly, love bears all things, hopes all things, and endures all things…and never fails. A powerful phrase that I never forget: “If I speak in human and angelic tongues, but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or clanging symbol:.
Seems pretty clear to me. I can’t say I love my brother or sister and behave in a way that is antithetical to any of those descriptions of love listed above. And since we are all human, its understandable to believe that no-one acts purely out of love or fear, but when the fear out weighs the love the scale tips in favor of all the vitriol we are facing today. I may not control what motivates others, but I can see how they behave, and often, even when defining what love “looks” like, whether it is love of God, another, or a country, it doesn’t take a genius to see what their primary motivation is. In truth, those angry, accusatory, and loud mouth individuals out there blaming sections of the population for all the world’s ills, are nothing but gongs and clanging symbols. There are loving ways to express anger and outrage…and that noise? It’s not love.
Jesus spoke a lot about separating the goats from the sheep (in my mind those who are motivated by fear and those by love respectively) and he speaks of what their personal motivation is: “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me” And when the righteous challenged him responding that they had never seen him in any of those situations, he said: “Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sister, you did for me.” Boom
I know there are plenty of people, roughly more than half the country who are joyful and relieved at the outcome of the election, and roughly less than half who are not. So, I am thinking of the consequences of the kind of joy that Jesus spoke of in the gospel of John 15: 9-12:
As the Father loves me, so I also love you. Remain in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.
So this is a caution for all of us out there who claim to be people of faith, to keep Jesus’ words at heart. If you claim to be a Christian, and still cling to the belief that anyone who is not on your side isn’t worthy of Christ’s love, you have slipped too far into delusion and I wash my hands of you, just like Jesus instructed his disciples when they came up against those who would not listen and would treat them with ill will in Matthew 10:7:
Whoever will not receive you or listen to your words – go outside that house or town and shake the dust from your feet.
So for the rest of us, who really want to work toward unity and reflect what this country is founded on, this is for us. We are divided, that is true. But also true? Division will always exist with diversity and a nation built on the idea that all people are created equal and deserve an equal shot at life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I don’t claim to know what that will look like, but I do know that the anger, the conspiracy theories and the misinformation vilifying the party who won (and it isn’t Mr Trump’s party)isn’t working toward that goal . Our American world has thrived under administrations of both parties. It will continue to thrive if we keep our eye on the prize: A more perfect union, based on the structure that has maintained us for over two hundred years.
I am a democrat, fiscally conservative and socially liberal. If you really know me, you know I’m not evil, naive, misinformed about legitimate news sources or an idiot. So there goes your theory that I am part of a Satanic movement. I would say that Q-anon stuff is silly, but it is just too dangerous given the amount of people who are buying into it…and it is them that I am kicking the dust from my feet because obviously you have not understood the teachings of Jesus regarding, well, just about everything. You can hide behind all the traditional structures and denominations you want, but if you are not loving everyone, even the least among you like Jesus…you are the one suffering a morality crisis, not me.
I also caution those who are emboldened by Biden’s win. Our job now, is to be the party that leads, and not leave people behind or stop listening to people because we hate what they say. Yes, I will disregard those who work toward violence, anarchy and impede our evolution. But as some of greatest leaders have taught us, there is a way to lead that builds up the body, and gives regard to all parts of it. We have a government that is by the people and for the people for a reason, and we need to strengthen its infrastructure so that no one has the power to over ride the will of the people and its laws ever again. We can no longer be naive and think that once someone is in high office that tradition of honesty and integrity will prevail. There must be consequences when that doesn’t happen.
So I am cautiously joyful, and praying for consequences for those who choose not to remain in love, whether it be how you treat your neighbor or interpret God. Because if you continue to read the Gospel we know what happens then too.
Suddenly the air is gone, lungs burn, the automatic function of living is momentarily halted because of an unthinkable tragedy…we have to breathe and we can’t, the shock of it halts the involuntary exercise of bringing air in and exhaling it out, it seems impossible, painful and exhausting. The heart stops and then begins to pound as the adrenaline and panic kick in. There is an unconscious will that supersedes the painful blow and we suck in air and as the pain spreads air is forced back out, and brought in again. Your thoughts go straight to no, no, no, this can’t be happening, this can’t be right, there must be a mistake. Lives so vibrant can’t be gone…life doesn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t work this way. The sadness is enveloping, overpowering and paralyzing.
There is no correct script for handling death…and there are no feelings that are off limits. The path that the immediate family walks is obliterated and altered to the road never wanted to be traveled, ever. But it is the love that fills in the cracks of all who are shattered by the simple gestures of loved ones: hugs, stories, prayers, and food that will help hold them up for whatever is to follow. The love is what will augment and keep resilient the shattered and brokenness of the present moments. It is the love that is the strength of this small community and the connections that are depicted in scripture when the apostle Paul talks about the body of Christ being many different parts holding on together each with different jobs to do to keep the body living and breathing together, in love. This body becomes a sanctuary that protects these moments of intimacy, and makes breathing, in and out become less stressful when it is done together. Being cherished and loved will make the new road traveled less lonely. It is impressive thing to witness for this big city girl.
There is much comfort that lives in this place, even amidst the pain. Kindness and generosity flow in waves over this community who have pulled together more than once to celebrate the ripple effect these two young men and others have brought into the world. It is a reminder to all of us to remain on our best behavior and place the pettiness that often overwhelms us aside and remember who we really are. The presence of these beautiful young men must continue to be reflected in our daily lives. Their ripples that flow outward into the world are now our responsibility. We now breathe for them and for all those who loved them.
So what a year it has been. Training to wield love amidst, (I was going to say something more delicate but sadly the truth can’t be couched) SO MUCH SHIT is probably the most brutally effective and yet demonstrably most uncomfortable way possible. And yet now that I am at the end of this year of learning to wield love I’m not quite sure how adept that I have become. What I have learned is to strip down what love is not. It isn’t contingent on anything, it isn’t rigidly defined, it isn’t earned, it is not limited to religion, or what is culturally appropriate. It is not self contained or controlling, it is not present because of the use of the word…it is present because of the substance of the energy that it is. I know that last bit may be confusing, but the most important lesson I’ve learned this year? I have learned that most people don’t have a fucking clue what love is especially amidst the pain, struggle and challenges that most of us face in our lives everyday. The very power we should turn to to manage the struggle is circumvented by anger, hate and blame, sometimes couched in the very name of love that we are supposed to seek. That kind of love, the righteous, judgmental and fire and brimstone kind has nothing at all to do with the true nature of love. The love I’ve embraced, been overwhelmed by and grieved by the loss of, is made so much more clear by the darkness that has surrounded me…because then the love and its light is so much brighter.
And yet my greatest weakness in my training has been to curb the desire I have to rage against the unmitigated bullshit that people give to justify hate, lies, bias and racism, sexism, greed and so much more. I have had to revisit all the many things I’ve learned over that last five years to refocus all the emotions that come with movement in this world that is the antithesis of all the gospel preaches and just move forward with purpose, clarity. truth and love and find ways to embrace all that my faith teaches me, regardless of what I receive in return. Most of the time, in the moment, I think I’ve failed miserably this year. But now as I look back over the year, I do see progress. I have learned to set boundaries, demand as much from others as I am willing to give them, and love in the way that brings my heart joy, instead of someone else telling me how I should do it. I’ve learned to respond to hatred with kindness and expanded my prayers to include those that are not kind-hearted.
But the most important thing that I learned this year? I am certain that scripture’s words are my heart’s words also when it comes to defining love. It is patient, and kind, slow to anger and doesn’t celebrate fault, it is deliberate and the opposite of fear, it is omniscient and omnipresent, it is the source of everything and NEVER used in judgement or to punish. It never fails…and as long it is the source of my heart, neither will I. I also learned that I will wield love in any instant that threatens any person, place or thing that stands in opposition to it. That is powerful, and frightening and beautiful.
I haven’t written a post in awhile. It’s been an intense couple of months. It’s been a wild ride of emotions. I’ve celebrated life, death, relaxation, this beautiful planet, friends, family, illness, and felt sad at what is broken and corrupt and how that affects not only me, but everyone. I have figured out a few things this year focused on love, and what I’ve come to understand are the necessary elements to wield it well. Love isn’t an idea, a belief, or a religion. It isn’t exclusive or limited to one group of people. Love has matter and dimension that extends way beyond our human ones, an independent omniscience that cannot be defined by or limited to any one human definition. Love can not be wielded falsely by those who would frame it in a way that gives them greater control or power…love won’t tolerate illusion and can become as destructive as fire when the world tries to limit, redefine or destroy it. Love is the source of life and all evolution. But I also know that none of the above matters if somehow it isn’t translated to action. And what does that look like from a million different perspectives, is there a way to love incorrectly? That question still seems to exist beyond my level of clearance…but I am comfortable in choosing Christ as one who does know the best way to love.
And based on that relationship, this is what I learned:
This is a heady paragraph…but necessary to understand my train of thought…so please bear with me. Love in its entirety is so far beyond my individual perception that I can only get glimpses. My biggest obstacle this year was thinking that I needed to understand love in its entirety before I could wield it correctly. That’s just not possible, I am too limited. I know God is not limited, while I welcome the presence of God in my life, I also feel charged with the responsibility to work with God as a partner and not just a puppet blindly following the precepts of a church structure to tell me what to do to get to heaven…this whole relationship with God is so much more than that. While I’ve learned much in my study of theology, I also know that the flaws, (in today’s organized structures) far out weigh the benefits for me. So, for all intents and purposes I embrace the idea that without a structure I act blind a lot of the time regardless of what my intentions are, so I have learned to activate all my other senses that have gotten a little rusty for a better chance of getting it right.
Prayer, constant prayer…and not just when I or anyone else wants or need something, but prayer for continual direction, for understanding and insight before I wield love. In Christian scripture we are promised that anything we ask for in goodness, shall be given to us. So I take Jesus at his word that if I’m serious about what to do in a situation, I will receive the necessary insight. If I’m still unclear, I pray that those self imposed obstacles and prejudices are removed from my eyes, so that I can see a clear answer. And yes, more often than not we are our own worst enemies…I am the reason that an action fails and not the other way around. People are so fragile, I’ve observed, that they lash out and blame others first when love isn’t present….and blame never gets anyone anywhere. I also pray for those champions of love and light in the world to have the courage and strength to shed light into darkness and not hide it under a bushel basket.
Next, I ask for forgiveness, at the end of every day, when people and life are just too much that I’ve failed in wielding love like I could have (which is a lot). It really helps, not kidding…like unloading weights everyday. I am a better person because of it, because I feel a physical manifestation of love that I’m opening my soul to. I may be judgmental, and a bitch at times but love is not. It’s also important to forgive others too. I will say this: the more I’ve learned about love, the more I know what it is not…and the lack of it is soul crushing when it comes to the future of this world. Scripture teaches us a lot about forgiveness, but if you can’t acknowledge your own flaws and ask for, and then receive forgiveness…then any act of love will be so much more stunted.
I think its most powerful to wield love in small and ordinary ways. Looking at a person directly into their eyes and seeing them and being present is a more powerful gift that you think. So often, people just want to be heard…and seen. And in order to see others, you have to let them see and hear you too. It was in my struggle with authenticity that I realized wielding love isn’t possible if you can’t take off your own mask and let the world see your true face. Love’s authenticity and wielding it effectively is contingent on my own authenticity. And in a world where judgement and bullying is dished out quicker than anything else, it takes courage and strength…and faith to do that.
And last, but not least…wielding love demands that we are willing to extend it to the least of those in our lives. Who that is, is different for every person. I have to wield love even to those whom I despise. How else will the world be transformed? How else do we build a body that is worthy of that kind of transformation? I’m tired of preachers and teachers, and talk. (and I’m aware that I’m guilty of it too, so I do even get tired of myself). I want simple actions gestures and behavior that is appropriate for those who claim they are acting in the name of love, whether it is for God, country, family or any of the commands that Christ gave us. And I must admit, those who stand in righteousness but who are comfortable with name calling, bullying, less than transparent behavior, divisiveness, willful ignorance of the truth, and condemnation of their brothers and sisters on this earth, I will wield love for you too. It’s hard, and at times frustrating…but love trumps hate, and I can’t ever forget that.
Imagine if your wallet was unlimited and you never had to worry about having enough money. Would your relationship with money change? What would you spend your money on? Would you buy a bunch of stuff, or build a lavish lifestyle? Would your friends change? Would you bestow gifts on others, or just the people who give you something back or who you believe were worth of it? Would it change how you think about being generous? Would you give more, care more about the challenges of the world? I think that knowing your wallet was unlimited wouldn’t change your relationship with money at all. Would you want to know how others used your generosity, or even care? Would you worry that perhaps someday that unlimited wallet would change so you’d need to stockpile? Or if everyone had enough, how would it change your status in the world? If every hierarchy that existed based on the level of income you had was obliterated, would you feel any different? If it controls your happiness now, even in your lack of it, wouldn’t it still control you in its abundance? Just google the effect of money for people who suddenly became wealthy to start…not a pretty picture. There are plenty of people who have more money than they could spend in a lifetime, hell several lifetimes…and sit on it, and build power structures that help them continue to sit on it. Or they use it to wield power and not love.
Now image if your heart was as limitless as your wallet. Would you change how you wield love in the world? Would you love in spite of getting little or nothing in return? Would you love only those who show you love, or whom you deem worthy? Would it be conditional? Would you dole it out carefully as if it were in short supply? Would you wield it only according to certain prescriptions and rules that dictate how to get it and who deserves it? Would you participate in a hierarchy who put you above others in the world in terms of eternal life? That is the trouble with conditions and love they don’t go together at all. Placing limitations on love turn it into something else, something that some people call love, but it is in name only…because love does not exist in limitation…
So, if you believe in a limitless God, one that brought a savior to our world to give our hearts an unlimited source of that love, without condition…then you have to wield it as you would if you had an unlimited wallet. No excuses…Not receiving love is not a reason to stop wielding it. Here’s the funny thing about money and love…even with an unlimited supply, would it change how you use it in the world? Again, I don’t think so. Our understanding of love is intimately related to our understanding of money. I guess that’s why Jesus intimated that they couldn’t exist in the same plane. If you’re generous with one, you have to be generous with the other. I’m sure the reverse is true as well. Anyway there are plenty of parables in the Gospels that warn us of our attachment to money and its affect on our ability to love.
So why did I title this post love and quid pro quo? I did so because quid pro quo means “something for something”. While it may seem obvious in relation to money, that we pay out and get something in return, but the value of it? We spend money on trivial things like we have an unlimited wallet, and are often miserly when it comes to extending it in generosity. Civilized society depends on a rhythm, a flow of investing, sharing and giving without a clear personal return. Too often it is also how we measure out how much love to give, but that’s not how it should work. The exact opposite is true, love should be given without regard of return, because we have an unlimited supply. It may look different in how it is applied uniquely to every individual, (remember it is patient, kind, etc.) but the expectation is to wield it according to its nature which is free, abundant, and without expectation of payment or return. Every single lesson in scripture lays that idea out for us. You never earn God’s love, its yours for free. And the thing I learned from this unbelievably challenging year? How I spend money and wield love in this world has nothing to do with never having enough…because somehow in the moment I always do. That is what faith is supposed to look like…walking your path and working on building faith that you have enough, you are enough and to face challenges that arise in your life with the belief that God will never abandon you, that God will never give you a stone when you ask for bread, that God can be seen clearly in every gesture of love, and never, ever in any other action.
This was my most difficult post to write, not only because I am talking to myself as much as I am talking to you, but because I have been challenged this year to dissect my relationship to both love and money, and while grateful for the lessons learned I am also full of sadness at the deep anger and hateful divides in this world. It is direct opposition of all that I have learned, believe and hold dear…not just in our country, but in those institutions that are supposed to represent and be the fountain of God’s unlimited supply of love to this world. They are being corrupted, and we must join together as warriors of love to turn things around. You may not agree with my method, but you have to agree that something must be done….because love dissolves corruption, it shines a light on lies and manipulation, it bears all things and never fails…
As another year cycles to my 60th year on the planet, I am consumed by love…the abundance of it, the shortage of it, the mischaracterization of it, and mostly the lack of understanding how powerful it can be. So this year, my prayers for you are all about love,
I pray you understand that your DNA, the very composition of you is rooted in the profound mystery of love. Love is the source code, and there is nothing, not even the best liars in the world, that could convince me otherwise…I pray that you understand this too.
I pray that you have the eyes to see, and the ears to hear, that each person has the composition of love too. Our job, is to help them realize it…
I pray that you become aware that at your core is the potential to bear great fruit, God has bestowed upon each of us unique talents, a unique melody meant to share with the world.
I pray that you have the strength to let your talent, your melody sing and never let the haters and those who spread dissonance drown you out. You have the power of love on your side, it is built in you and empowered by God. Change the space you are in to let it shine out of you.
I pray that you wield love in your own unique way to help heal the pain and sorrow that exist in our world. Your potential is unlimited, and like a ripple effect, it circles outward to influence others to do the same.
I pray you remember that we are on this planet to bear fruit, not to burn or tear it down, we are commanded to nurture and sustain it, and leave the judgement to God…for God alone commands the day and the night, we are gifted with its beauty and ability to help us rise to our greatest potential.
I pray that you understand helping another see and reach their potential can only serve and help our own journey, there is abundance in this world for everyone.
Most importantly I pray that you be kind, slow to anger, not judge, forgive, and have the faith of a mustard seed…for then you truly can move mountains
I didn’t want to write today. I just didn’t. But then “want” doesn’t really seem to be part of my training this year. Facing difficult subjects head on is what is required, so here goes. Life is sacred. It’s the reason that I’m on this journey and is the reason that I’m training to wield love in a world that is full of fear and hate, and more and more appears to be demonstrably against the sacredness of life. I’m not talking about abortion, because I don’t believe the movement is really concerned about the sacredness of life at all, because you can’t make someone appreciate life’s sacred quality by enacting a law. I happen to know that there are many individuals out there who feel all life is sacred on both sides of this issue. This “movement” is about control. This movement is about judgement. This movement is about power. I know those last statements will strike the solar plexus of many, but just bear with me for a moment.
I keep focusing on the words of Jesus when he instructed his disciples to love one another in a way that even the least of us deserve. While it is easy to feel charged up to fight for the unborn, there is no reciprocal fight for those that already exist on this planet. The reason, I would wage, is because the movement isn’t about love and the sacredness of life…it is about control, and regulating a woman’s body under the auspices of “saving a live.” If the movement were about the sacredness of life, then it would also be dedicated to saving life in those that are already born in every corner of the world suffering greatly. But I guess once that first breath is taken they are somebody else’s problem. Scripture challenges us in this:
We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us. God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in them. In this is love brought to perfection among us, that we have confidence on the day of judgment because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” but hates their brother or sister, they are a liar; for whoever does not love a brother or sister whom they have seen cannot love God whom they have not seen. This is the commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love their brother or sister
1John:15-21
So, then, what is to be done about the sacredness of life? If the end result means to have us all understand and appreciate the sacredness of life, then it certainly isn’t by denying a women’s choice to arrive at that conclusion on her own. I have known women who have had abortions BECAUSE they believe that the fetus they carried was sacred and would do anything to fight for life, including the choice to end it. And yet I’ve known women who just didn’t want to bring a life into the world…and while my personal choice may have have been different, it was MY personal choice and conscience that I followed. Follow the commands of Christ…that we love our neighbors as ourselves and that what we do to the least of our brothers and sisters you do unto Christ who saved us. I think that looks more like reaching out in other ways besides allowing the government to force its will upon women. I know there are many who disagree with me on this issue, as to be expected…we all have the freedom to hold our own beliefs, I get that. But please, do not think for one minute that its because you hold life more sacred than I do, or anyone else who may disagree with you…because you would be wrong.
So wielding love for me in this situation? It means listening to women’s stories and seeing what a grave and complicated issue this is. It means really looking at the least among us and seeing sacredness in them. It means loving and not punishing…like Georgia’s law does. It means looking around and seeing that all life is sacred, and like the story of the Good Samaritan when Jesus asked a scholar of the law listening to the parable what loving our neighbor looked like “he said the one who treated the Samaritan with mercy…and Jesus said: “go and do likewise.” We don’t force people to believe in God, they need to get there on their own…we shouldn’t force women to make a choice they don’t have a say in either. Wielding love could help us all understand the sacredness of life.
Geez, this is a trying year. I would think talking about my training to wield love would inspire people…obviously it seems to make some people uncomfortable and the source of some judgey behavior. I thought it was obvious that this was my personal journey…MINE, and so right from the start let me just say that I have completely embraced this training and it is my journey and no one else’s. So far, I think its been extremely beneficial, I’ve learned a lot, suffered a lot, and become a much better person. I will say that the last three years has led me to this simple, yet profound understanding: love isn’t conditioned on anything but acting on it, embracing it, and extending it outward, with no expectations or conditions. It’s expression is unique to the individual, and undefined except for simple and yet powerful criterion I’ve followed from 1 Corinthians 13: it is patient, it is kind, it isn’t full of envy, it isn’t arrogant or proud, it isn’t rude and doesn’t seek it’s own interests, it is slow to anger and does not brood over injury (some versions say evil), it doesn’t rejoice in wrongdoing but with the truth, it bears all things, hopes all things and endures all things. It never fails. It is the opposite of fear.
Love is also the measure by which we should see and recognize with clarity those in the world who claim to wield love and follow Christ, but only seem to confuse or confound what his teachings are really about. Love is the means by which these wolves are exposed. We are also taught in scripture that wielding love always bears fruit, and is by the fruits of love that the path through the narrow gate becomes clear:
“Do to others whatever you would have them do to you. This is the law and the prophets. “Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road broad that leads to destruction, and those who enter through it are many. How narrow the gate and constricted the road that leads to life. And those who find it are few. “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but underneath are ravenous wolves. By their fruits you will know them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? Just so, every good tree bears good fruit, and a rotten tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a rotten tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. So by their fruits you will know them
And it seems that the wolves out there today don’t even bother hiding under a sheep’s clothing, they walk freely and shout what you see isn’t what you see, what is true is really false, and behave in ways that are contrary to all love’s criterion. It is when truth and love become contorted and absorbed into a personal dictum that great divides occur and unity falters. No good fruit can come of it. And no good fruit can occur when all those criterion listed above are disregarded as unnecessary or weak. Love is wielded when we treat others as we want to be treated, period, even those we choose to see as wolves. I say choose to see, because I have learned in my training that what we see is always colored by our own personal perceptions. And because perceptions are limited and often not based in fact, I am even more committed to being diligent about uncovering truth and making my actions speak louder than any words ever could. Words are often the source of misunderstanding, but wielding love is so much harder to misconstrue. I’ve also said that wielding love by no means infers that we will simply “be nice”. Solomon in the Old Testament declares that: “stern as death is love…its flames are a blazing fire.” There are still great wrongs occurring in the world that must be righted, but it is how we address them and proceed forward that makes the difference. Calling out injustice and fending off the wolves can still be done according to the necessary precepts
I do still question why in the face of so much corruption there are so many who refuse to open their eyes to see and their ears to hear at the bare minimum to avoid any path of destruction and avoid it like the plague. It is never about who is right and who is wrong, (I tend to fall into that rut), but rather seeing clearly the behavior that is required of us and whether or not it bears fruit. I choose to seek with clarity and love, and as the prophet Micah says: do right, love goodness and walk humbly with God.
“Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord, I will repay” is an important theme in the Old and New testaments…and one in my own life as well. I once wrote a paper in law school entitled, “Vengeance is mine saith the law, it will repay” My professor rolled her eyes when she saw the title, but changed her tune after she read it (I got an “A”). The point of my paper, from a theologian’s perspective was to render what is God’s to God, and to Caesar what is Caesar’s. The bottom line, was that if you are going to be a person of faith, then, as scripture states many times, leave vengeance to God. If you are an American citizen where freedom is recognized as an unalienable right then vengeance is in the hands of our legal system which is set up to protect those freedoms, even in the face of a criminal act. I know, I know, we don’t live in a perfect world…there are unjust laws, and as for faith…its hard to let go of the hurt, unfairness and cruelty of this world. The tenor of our hate filled world is a sorry reminder of that. As one who harnesses and wields love, though, vengeance can never be a driving force.
For Christians, Jesus speaks about forgiveness, loving your enemy, praying for those who persecute you, etc., etc. My time on this earth is too short to waste it worrying about who is going to get their just desserts. I used to be that person crying over the injustice in the world and it ate me alive (which is not the same thing as working for justice). It’s just a waste of emotion. If we trust that God has our backs, and that whatever you put out into the world will come back to you tenfold…then the exercise of letting go and letting God is instrumental in effectively harnessing love. I’m not suggesting passivity, not at all. Fighting for justice is also fundamental to my faith…but there is a powerful distinction between energizing a fight for love and justice because you believe an omnipotent God has our backs and will trust those precepts that are fundamental to that faith and the energy of a fight that obliterates the “enemy” because they think they can do a better job than God or believe that have been enlisted by God to hate another or it just feels good in the moment. Regarding Caesar’s world, we can’t revere the rule of law and then seek vengeance by disregarding it and manipulating it when it doesn’t give us the result we want. When we stand against all the negativity and hatred in the world, it has to be done with the belief that everyone, even those we see as enemies at the moment stands to benefit from wielding love.
As any person of faith, there is an expectation of certain behaviors that are in alignment with the central tenets of that faith. As a citizen of this country, there are also certain expectations of behavior as well. Melding the two together is a natural struggle to be sure, but wielding love whether it be for God, country or both can’t be done by bean counting those that break both sets of laws. That is why I struggle so deeply with the present situation in this world. People are far too eager to justify their vengeance against their “enemy” because they happen to think they are on the right team and believe the notion that anyone who doesn’t believe like they do are the enemy. Its exhausting, and stands in direct opposition to what it means to wield love in the world. Like it or not, America includes many “teams” and Christianity commands that we love one another…even our enemies. Vengeance has no place in either.
I will be the first to admit that there are days when I want to hate everybody. Part of love’s training is to be aware of and work through these weaknesses constantly. I am not always a compliant student, but I am getting better. It is often the hardest part of my training…to wield love to those who demonstrably relish in the us against them fight, or judging others as lessor than, or bullying and name calling, or those who lie or are violent or are all of the above, the list goes on and on. The truth of the matter is that we are all human and I’m sure there are those out there who wish vengeance on me by wishing me ill, judging me and calling me names…and I may not even be aware of it. I know my heart, but others may not, which may mean attributing to me qualities I don’t think I deserve, and I know I have, at times, done the same thing to others. I’ve stopped allowing the world to define or weaken me by those judgments, especially when the world is in such desperate need of love which also means bringing my heart to the forefront for everyone to see, and that is not easy…because the world can be a cruel and unfair place after all. And yet it is because I have faith in a God that has my back and augments my vulnerable heart with a greater one that vengeance plays no part in my journey. It is a burden I don’t want or need anymore. So I wield love and celebrate those that do the same in the world. The other problem with vengeance is that it takes our focus away from the people who should be celebrated for all the love they share.
Every day I say the phrase “I choose” in my head, whether it is to control my vapid tongue or expose my heart…it is my choice. I make the conscious choice to wield my love in the best way I can. I choose love, not vengeance.
So yeah, the trials continue…this time it’s not cars, boils, subzero windchill, or money…its mother nature. We’ve had a whole winter’s worth of snow in four weeks, about 40 inches of snow. I’ve always thought that living up here in the great white north keeps out the riffraff, that you have to be built of sturdy stuff to with stand the winters here…in the hope that it would also help build strength, character and a sense of humor. There is something to be said about gearing up for subzero temps, shoveling out so I can actually get my car out of the garage and face the treacherous black iced roads even before I get to work and start my day. It’s easy to whine about it, commiserate and share weather related horror stories, but it’s also an opportunity to share stories of people helping each other out, whether it is shoveling, starting a car, helping someone who is stuck etc. It is in these small sacrifices that we strengthen our ability to wield love in a world in desperate need of it.
The amount of snow seems to have slowed everything down enough to give me pause to focus on the sacrifices that love demands of us every day. Some are easy for me, extending a helping hand, or listening, and giving support, and putting other’s needs above my own. Some are hard, like trusting someone to put my needs above theirs when I am so depleted I don’t have much at the time to give, being vulnerable to accept help and while its hard to admit…making sacrifices to those outside my circle who I feel don’t deserve it, but I am obligated to help because of the golden rule I chose to follow: treat others the way that you want to be treated. I feel that simple axiom hones our ability to wield love: to accept the sacrifices that others make for me with love and to sacrifice in the name of love for others. The challenging circumstances of weather, money and physical challenges only stand to purify that sacrifice because it becomes more intentional. To sacrifice in the name of love in spite of challenges only makes us stronger.
So, I guess the training on how to wield the power of love has begun…with the year of a thousand cuts. By all accounts, I don’t tend to over react to life’s foibles, I’m more likely to turn them into a good story, but so far this year? I swear Beelzebub is trying to trip me up with, well there is no other word but shit (which I also stepped in, by the way). From cleaning vomit out of my husband’s car when a never before attack of vertigo seized him while driving (no flu or illness inspired), my car not going out of second gear, the front door of our clinic not opening (forcing us to replace the knob) my bed breaking in the middle of the night (3 a.m.), “someone” losing my car keys, replacing a faucet that stopped giving us cold water, bank deposits mysteriously delayed for no apparent reason and some more delicate ones that I can’t add to protect the innocent…and these are only from this week! I found myself holding my breath in anticipation of the next crisis.
While these events may seem innocuous in the face of terrible tragedies that occur every day, I maintain it’s these kinds of events that literally grab focus away from the good I could be doing and just wear me down (and I’m assuming many feel the same way I do). Things that I normally brush off seem so much bigger and crueler and in a way limit my ability to wield love in the world. Questions like, “am I being punished?” “am I just that unlucky?” and the far more irrational ones like, “is Satan lurking around here somewhere?” “am I being plagued because I’m championing love this year?” It is the compounding of these events and the bad attitude that I take that send ripple effects outward to others and voila the love quotient goes down. I went back to read some the book of Job in the Old Testament, it is involves much of the same phenomenon. The Devil bets God that he can take a wonderful, happy, successful and loving servant of God (Job), and turn him by plaguing him with all sorts of irritants. Those who surround Job try and convince him that it must have been something he had done or God wouldn’t be punishing him…still Job doesn’t lose faith. When he begins to waver, God storms in and demands answers to those who seen to know the mind of God when they fail to answer, God sets them straight…some things are just beyond our comprehension. The good news is that lesson learned, Job goes on to live a blessed life.
Wielding and harnessing love requires that we get rid of the notion that when bad things happen we are being punished by a vengeful and puritanical God. Those kind of beliefs bring out the worst in us: guilt, shame, fear, blame, mistrust, hatred, etc. And those beliefs also cause ripple effects by affecting other people who then create their own ripple effects and before you know it the whole world is in crisis and crippled to handle major crises when they actually happen. I felt like my task during this shit-storm of irritating events was to: 1) try and see the humor in it (cleaning out the vomit from my husband’s car, I was laughing hysterically when I pulled his phone out from under it all…Q-tips are amazing) and 2) not extend my irritation to other people, hence the ripple effect. I tried, with limited success to consciously fight the darkness that irritants bring with love creating a positive ripple effect that perhaps would help someone else who is facing their own personal shit storm (most of the time with laughter and a good story). While I may have simplified the situation a bit, I think the lesson I learned is the most important foundation in my year of love: that wielding love takes training, discipline, faith and the willingness to put into action the promised of scripture, which demands that we love God, ourselves and others regardless of vomit, lost keys, broken beds, doors, faucets, and shit.
