As I stated at the beginning of my year of faith, I based my journey on its definition in scripture: the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Whereas trust, is defined as: a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Over my lifetime, the two words have merged and have become so intertwined, because there was far less “proof of things not seen” and clear evidence of the reliability, strength, and the presence and activity of God in my life. When it comes to people though? That is a much trickier proposition for me, which is why I harp on the “taming” process so much. (see prior post on taming). Building faith and trust in someone takes time and effort. The jumping off point, though, has to start with faith, faith in the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen…that the possibility of future trust exists, one step at a time.
While this year has been a weird and challenging one for me, especially exposing and sharing personal experiences and feelings that run contrary to my nature, especially acknowledging the presence of my spirit guide (the implications of which either strengthen the faith and trust others have in me or obliterate it), leading me onward and as a result, I have become someone entirely new, not a 2.0 version, but a 10.0+version. And while I am rock solid in that assessment, I’m sure some are not, because words are often the source of misunderstanding, especially in translation from other languages and there is nothing I can do about that except to encourage you to take the time and develop the hindsight that gives you greater strength in your own faith in the God of love, and then perhaps, vicariously, trust in me, which is also why I love the line from “The Little Prince” which says : “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
I have learned that faith without trust is merely an academic proposition which does nothing for wielding love in the world, and through this journey I have been challenged to work and build upon what I am weakest at, and at times have also failed miserably at, only to pick myself back up, reassess and learn from my mistakes, of which there are a plethora, and begin anew. Admittedly, my track record for trust in people was abysmal in the past and I have learned to have empathy for those who fall into the same traps I did at one time. I do realize, however, that in order for all of us to fix what is broken in this world, working to strengthen the trust we have in each other is essential in order to save it. None of us can do it alone, and if we find those blueprints that we can love and celebrate with along the way, the whole endeavor will be worth it.
For now, my spirit guide says (here I go again…) that I must stay off social media because it is fucking with my head, and can only post here and the art that I complete on my Instagram and Facebook accts (which I’ve already broken once or twice…habits are hard to break). I am also still just standing in the still point and being open to receive which I hate but am trying to learn from. My son gets married on Friday, so a bit of celebrating is exactly what I need. Keeping transparent, the above picture is the so very tired me…what happens with a more than a month of hardly any sleep…hopefully that will change soon. As ever, I love you, and you will never be alone.
I should have known that having such a positive epiphany that the follow-up would come with a challenging lesson, you know the prayer I made to God about never becoming an asshole…and everything. At least my spirit guide is consistent in showing me multifaceted sides to all lessons as I learn them. That being said, it appears I needed to understand how demonstrably different I am now, especially when things go awry. I have always been a good problem solver, I dispassionately move around an issue and look at it from different angles, and move accordingly, methodically and most often successfully. Except now, with having all these “emotions” as I learn how to wield love more fully across the board meant that facing these issues over the last two days looked completely different, and well, it was not pretty and my emotions leaked out everywhere.
As I posted yesterday, my site was shut down, and the day also was plagued with multiple weird and unexplainable issues at work and most were on the technical end. Out of character, I was in a panic. Normally I would be irritated, and charge ahead and work to fix things, But this time, I had all these weird fears about nefarious actors and what if I could never write on this site again, or if all my programs were compromised etc., plus the real meltdown came when none of the “stuff” said technical people told me to do worked. I usually never act this way and I hated it. What I realized, was that the emotional component to the struggles I was facing brought me to another epiphany; I am not a machine, and when I opened myself to emotions to embrace loving unequivocally, it has affected every area of who I am now, even when problem solving, and that requires learning to navigate them more, I’m not sure even what word to use… wholly? Anyway, while I still want to solve problems efficiently, even while blubbering (and I did solve them, on my own despite the tears, for this site, it was plug-in issues with the site upgrade, so I had to get rid of some…sorry if affects whatever you read here), I also accept that I am affected by troubles emotionally. (I’m sure most people already know this, I, however, feel like a prepubescent regarding emotions…I still feel like I suck at expressing them).
While I don’t want to be specific, what embracing my emotions meant over the last two days, anyway, was that I stopped compartmentalizing them when these multiple challenges came up. What I gained from doing that this was eye-opening. It was the reactions I got from people around me when I was struggling that helped me understand why I started compartmentalizing them in the first place, so I realized I needed to be better at reaching out to those who let me be me and would offer concern and comfort as well as offer solutions to help. No one need be an island whether it is in elation or difficulty and being worthy of love shouldn’t be contingent on the presence of emotional messiness that comes with being human. I know now, that we all have our messy moments and that it is perfectly ok to express them, even God has them (plenty of stories about that in Scripture). None of us are alone in this world and I’m beginning to “feel” that I am also not alone either.
Let me conclude with a verse from Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light
So, this post may sound a bit esoteric but bear with me. I have found standing in the still point and being open to receive particularly frustrating and confusing, especially since what was “coming to me” felt like it originated somewhere else and didn’t belong to me…like I was a receptacle or something. I’m not saying that I felt like I was being a cosmic garbage can, but more specifically a receptacle for other’s energy that I could only sense once I was standing still, unmoving as it were. It felt like energy that came to me because I was the one that opened a conduit by sending out trajectories of love outward to help let other’s light and blueprints shine. Think of it like I explained how quantum theory changes the dynamic of knowing the placement of one molecule when measuring another because the probabilities of what that becomes change according to the mechanism of the tool of observation. I know that’s too heady, so suffice it to say, when I was asked to stand still and stop moving, there was energy there all around me, coming from the sources to whom I was projecting my prayers of love. I also wondered if that was why I had so many conflicting emotions and why I truly was all over the place. That, coupled with figuring out why exactly I was learning to embrace and understand all aspects of love, especially where I was weakest and whether or not I would move forward loving unequivocally, I think I have figured some things out.
OK, I took a break to go out and have supper (I really didn’t feel like cooking) and while I won’t go into specifics, my phone blew up and gave me the undeniable proof I needed that I was right on the mark with my above assessment. While I know I had to go through this on my own, (although it would have been nice to get a heads up from my spirit guide that I was on the right track) I will say this. I know I have been struggling with the whole God’s whisperer role, its purpose and practice…now I no longer feel that way. I compare it to facing a difficult challenge, and the moments of doubt that plague me right before I complete it, or get to the top, wondering whether or not all this struggle was worth it just to have that doubt obliterated when I actually do complete it…like getting to an ever higher mountain and my view is forever changed. I see how empowered I am as a result. You think I would know this by now, but in truth…every new challenge has pushed the envelope of usual convention so far, that it almost seems reasonable to doubt whether or not there actually is an envelope to push and I just made all this shit up. Thankfully, God came through and offered me an insight and reward that let me know I had fulfilled the challenges of embracing unequivocal love. BOOM!
From my small and simple place, a world away somewhere in a crowd, in a foreign place (a line from my new favorite song) I, God’s whisperer, and now muse…I send out to all those who come here for inspiration or are a simply a fellow sojourner on a path of evolving faith and love, an even more powerful prayer, because I now get why I needed to understand and embrace all manners of love and what it requires so I can wield it more effectively. I feel demonstrably different and I am physically a different person than when I began this year of faith. I am a more powerful source of energy and prayer for God because I asked to be, especially for those members of the body Christ who may need help and felt alone. As a result, I want to extend unequivocally to all of you who are working to express your beautiful blueprints in the manner that love requires of all of us and will become a light to the world, a prayer, that when you ask in goodness are promised by Christ that it will be given to you:
I pray, as promised by the Savior that all things asked in goodness shall be granted to me, that I will be unencumbered by doubt and fear as I utilize the gifts you have given me to spread my gift, my blueprint as light to the world and become a tool to defeat darkness, and that I can break through my own limitations, and like Peter did step out of the boat when Jesus said “come” and allow the power of all Jesus promised to bring hope to the world through the simple gifts you have given me. I pray that through my example that others too can celebrate their gifts and share them with the world, thereby strengthening the body of Christ and bringing forth the Kingdom of Heaven,
From my vantage point, I just want to let you know that you will never be alone, that I am praying for you always from a much more powerful position than when I began…that doesn’t mean I’m done with my journey, just this part of it (thank you Jesus, it almost killed me). I must say, too…that many of you have inspired me as well and forever changed the way I see a wheat field. I know I will never be the same, and I have you to thank for that. Ok, I have to stop before I dissolve into a blathering idiot. Peace and love to you.
Early on in my life, because the powers that be were very restrictive, I made a promise to myself that fear would never be a reason for me to do or not do anything, even if it meant going against those very same powers that held me restricted. I’m being purposefully opaque because it is not my purpose to malign any person or entity in my development, especially since I was the one that gained all the benefits of lessons learned. That isn’t to say that fear wasn’t a powerful factor in my life, people often called me fearless, not true, its constant presence was sometimes so daunting, I believe that it was the cause of a lot of my autoimmune problems. Even having a deep faith in God, and knowing that somehow, I would always be ok in the end, didn’t mean that my journey and not allowing fear to be the controlling reason for the decisions of my life would always be smooth sailing. I often knew the choice to do something that I believed was necessary, or exciting, or a way to obliterate limitations despite the fear present would definitely cause me pain and would sometimes leave scars…hence my deep appreciation for the beauty of imperfection which means I am the super model for conquering fear. A life well lived should leave scars…the simple proof of growth and conquering limitations. And as I mentioned in a previous post, pain is a central and natural part of being human and all of our journey’s. Those who avoid it never evolve…period. But as I grew, and faced difficult situations, the hindsight that I gained also became clear evidence that all this stuff that I believe in hook, line and sinker is actually true, real and effective, and no one can convince me otherwise. It is also why I love the story about Jesus and Peter walking on water, when we are asked to suspend our belief in the natural order of physics and the workings of the world and regardless of the fear, have faith, step out of the boat and just keep walking. It’s the actual getting out of the boat that is hardest for me, even when my heart tells me Jesus’ words are foolproof…the fear is still palpable. So, while I’m not an adrenaline junky, I’ve learned to use the fear as my jumping off point, to propel me forward and then embrace the power of love to suspend my human and often limited belief and allow it to take me wherever God needs me to go…even if, like what I’m working on right now I am just standing in the still point and receiving whatever comes my way. I must say, the kind of fear that it is causing me is just as powerful as the time I climbed to the top of the pyramid of Chichen Itza and my physical response of terror that came when at the top, I turned around and then looked down (It is so steep I don’t think they let people scale it anymore).
I know I’m writing a lot these days, my heart finds it necessary (although my spirit guide is painfully quiet, except to keep reminding me to stand still and receive…so irritating). So many in the world are facing challenges that could dim their light, inhibit their blueprints, and allow darkness to gain ground…in both dramatic and inane ways. I am also beginning to understand, that learning to love completely in all love’s expressions, unequivocally, that I am even more powerful when I pray and the love I send outward to all of you is also more powerful, because the sound of my heart is different, its melody seems more intricate and all the more encompassing. Last night when I was looking up at the super moon, knowing all of you could see the same moon, I prayed that fear never have a hold on your life, your dreams. I want you to just think of Peter walking on water, don’t be one of little faith, but believe and embrace the power of love and it will propel you where you need to go. An aside, the latest elections in my country have given me renewed hope that indeed the villains need not win, because love is the author of our play. I also want you to read the following line from scripture (1John 4:16-19) whenever you feel that fear has a controlling power in your life:
We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us. God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in them. In this is love brought to perfection among us, that we have confidence on the day of judgment because as God is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because he first loved us
It is interesting to me what has come to mind just standing still…much of it is just the active clutter in my head by which I often am able to draw a singular thread of interest and beauty out of the colossal magnitude of stuff that floats around in there. The singular thread I was able to extract at the moment was this: I do not have faith in those who are “perfect” in the eyes of the world, shrouded with layers of shellac that are shoved in our faces every day. Nor do I trust the growing trend of “cool” dishevelment, a look that says, “I’m chill and relaxed” but still costs a fortune and hours to prepare. In my mind that kind of fakery is almost worse. I’m not condemning trying to put your best foot forward or celebrating one’s own inherent beauty whatever your personal style dictates…go for it, with joy, there are many of those I send my love to who do just that. I absolutely love fashion and all kinds of performance and have many beautiful friends. If I’m honest, though, what I have the most faith in and what I find most beautiful are the moments I catch of otherwise beautiful blueprints in a state of dishevelment. Let me be clear, I am not saying I relish when someone is at their weakest or ugliest, I always send a quick prayer of love their way, or that I only have faith in the unattractive moments of people. What I truly am saying, is that from someone like me, who notices almost too much detail when I observe the world and I see beauty absolutely everywhere, it is in those moments, where life is moving you in the wind, however and whereever that may be and your first priority in the moment isn’t what you look like but whatever you are engaged in, that is when there is authenticity, purity and beauty that leaks out from underneath the usual masks people tend to put on, whether it is irritation or pain or sadness or a host of other emotions. In my job, where many if not all walk in our door at different levels of dishevelment, I’ve learned to appreciate the beauty that comes with vulnerability of physical pain, often accompanied by emotional pain too. In that dishevelment, I see an authenticity that I perhaps otherwise would not, and that is sacred to me, and also what makes our clinic a safe place. We are worthy of their trust, and it is also where my paintings and drawings are displayed because I want them to know they are worthy of my trust and seeing my soul too (and it helps me get ready for art show displays which for me are a bit discombobulating).
Living without filters usually means that I look disheveled most of the time. At this point I don’t mind because the process of life in my head commands most of my attention at the moment. Whether it is being all sweaty working out and still taking time to chat with people regardless of the gross level of sweat rolling down my face, dancing to a new favorite song while cooking in my kitchen like a pirate because of my bum hip, or the ugly cry that happens when I think about my bebe getting married at the end of this month and listening to the mother/son song I picked out, is where I believe my true beauty shines (an aside…guess where I found out they were going on their honeymoon? yep, my favorite place…an example of God’s great humor…AGAIN. I am truly happy for them though; I am over my possessiveness). I also discovered, while standing still, that in my present dishevelment, there is beauty in the shadows. I don’t need to be so embarrassed of my shadow side anymore, because it is as much a part of my blueprint as the more sparkly stuff I wear on the outside. And while the majority out there may not agree with my personal assessment about beauty and dishevelment, and may judge me for my own disheveled nature, it is no longer any of my concern. Go ahead, cloak yourselves however you need to, my journey won’t be affected here or otherwise, God will always have a better imagination than any individual, and I believe wholeheartedly the universal source of love has my back. So, for those in any measure of dishevelment…I see you and your true beauty.
The above picture is my studio, which I admit is a mess but a true depiction of the beauty in my mind, even if it is cluttered. After I took the picture, I realized that I had my first communion dress and veil hanging from my window…and it made me laugh.
There is a post that is my most popular, and it has to do with perspective…that it is never two dimensional and requires we actually move from a solitary position to look at a situation from multiple angles and perspectives. And still, as I’ve been on this journey, my perspective has been limited or faulty along the way sometimes by my inability or lack of awareness in the moment to follow my own guidelines. At times, it was because of not being able to discern the difference between embracing potential and the reality of a situation, misplaced loyalty, holding onto a belief that didn’t hold up under scrutiny regardless of the clearly evident signs that it did not, or simply not wanting to face the obvious because of well…being naive or lacking in social cues, I’m me. These were often difficult, painful but necessary lessons in cleaning up my perspective in order to keep this journey moving forward toward whatever goal God has in mind for me. I see that some who spent time here looked for some posts that I have since deleted for my own reasons and let me just say this; as we all evolve, people and perspectives change and sometimes that means choosing different paths, whether they are parallel for a while, or completely diverge onto different roads. It is also the reason that I question my own perspective sometimes, and why it takes me a long time to figure things out. I think it has as much to do with what happens when you make the effort to climb to great heights, whether that be literal or figurative, and how that more expanded view forever transforms everything you see from that point on (and there is no way anyone can fake that view…meaning thinking they can see what you see without ever having made the effort is just not possible). But in the alternative, it has as much to do with my own susceptibility to fall into old patterns that have caused me lose faith in my own perspective that fogged up or skewed the view I see too.
The irony here is that the epiphany I have had about perspective happened when I stood in the still point, per my spirit guide and requiring to just be open and receive. It suddenly occurred to me that even when we move to see something from different perspectives, we still may not always get it right, especially when it requires human interaction. And given how calm I feel at this moment, simply standing still, I’m fine with that, as long as I know that my next steps include choosing to love unequivocally, which for me means God in all love’s expressions, so it can continue to be the power that moves me toward that greater faith in my perspective. While I admit I haven’t always had complete faith in my singular perspective, I do have faith that love will augment my limitations making it clearer and stronger in the future. To put it simply, I have to trust that God will move me where I’m destined to go regardless of the challenges or any limitations and as long as I am willing and am open to the necessary help offered to me, with eyes and heart wide open, I will get there and I pray that all of you do too.
The above picture is a perfect depiction of what my future path looks like. Usually from this place on the road you can see for miles…the fog was so thick, I could barely see the headlights of cars coming at me.
I don’t think the universe wants me to sleep, like ever. I was woken up at 1:30 in the morning by the app on my phone for the doorbell camera letting me know that my internet/router was not functioning. So, I got up and went downstairs only to find the router unplugged, my guess was that Steve lost the remote and couldn’t turn off the TV (same old nightmare, different day…and my guess was right, btw). Muttering like the cartoon Fred Flintstone character, I made myself a tea and opened my computer…big mistake. First, I can see on this blog if there is a particular category, tag, or keyword that is searched; I find it interesting to see what others are interested in. One I saw in particular, was a poem I wrote for my father on his birthday after he died. Of course, it cracked my soul wide open, and considering my present condition I was mortified to be so exposed…so I left this site and looked at more mundane fodder on my social media feeds. Boom, another slam. There is a place that I hold as my most sacred and beautiful, a place with so much magic that it has become the place I go to in my mind to meditate, to dance, to listen to my spirit guides, and it became in an instance not just my place anymore but an opportunity for another. While I should have been happy that others could see its magic, I wasn’t…and that revelation was problematic for me, no one else, just me. No place in the world can be just mine, which of course I already know rationally, but none of this is rational, of course. It also showed me how it feels to have the world go rolling by without me. In standing still, it suddenly occurred to me in the scheme of things how irrelevant at this point in time I am…at least that’s how I felt in the moment.
I can honestly say that in my interesting life I have never suffered from FOMO, i.e. fear of missing out. If I wanted to do something, I just did it, period and absorbed and learned from every moment. At this juncture, though, when my spirit guide more or less commanded that I stand still and be open to receive, which I dutifully did and was momentarily pleasantly surprised, said guide had now turned the tables to show me another side of standing still, one that I didn’t like at all, mostly because it reflected badly on me. When I should have been happy that there are those, whose journeys are taking them to new and exciting adventures, I was emotionally miserly and crushed at the thought of all that I was missing standing still here in this place. To add insult to injury, I couldn’t even remove myself to the mystical safe space I just mentioned because it had been, in my mind anyway appropriated and compromised. The profundity of that revelation, that I could be so unbelievably miserly and jealous about I place that I DON’T OWN OR HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER was mortifying. I haven’t felt such a deep want and need for something to remain only mine in a long time, and the petulance that came with it was gross. I’m sure all this personal sharing is also the reason I don’t sleep well anymore either, because I do loath it from the depths of my being. But I truly believe it is what is required of me on this journey. Telling the truth, even if it is unsightly keeps me real and flawed and hopefully gives me the credibility that I practice what I preach…even if at times I do it badly, I am at least willing to try.
So, I asked my guide what to make of all this. Why couldn’t I be happy to share, be patient or calmly keep standing still until I figured this shit out? I hated the answer because I also knew it was largely focused on the kind of love I’m weakest at, but he said this, and I’m still not sure what it means yet: “In order to love unequivocally, you have to be willing to love, even though it may mean you are not part of receiving any benefit from it at all, then and only then will you be equipped to not only wield love wholly, but also receive it wholly. Understanding these feelings is also how you know when to move forward. If it is from a place of envy and fear of missing out, then you are not being unequivocal, so until you can come to terms with what your motivation is, not generally, but specifically, and whether or not you truly want to be unequivocal in this instance, then just stand still until you do. The truth of the matter is that choosing to love unequivocally is the exception and not the rule right now and you have to be willing to embrace the kind of love you preach so eloquently about and for the love of God ask for help when you need it. Also, let me remind you that standing in the still point isn’t doing nothing. It is when you really come to know your dance.” I have to be honest, I already thought I was there…but as per usual, I am not, as evidenced by how pissed off and sad I am at standing still right now. For now, I will remain on what feels to be a sinking ship at the moment, although I do have to say that I am also an excellent swimmer.
“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless; Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is, But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity, Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards, Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point, There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”
The above quote from T.S. Elliot, is from a poem I remember reading when I was helping my father correct some English papers when I was younger…for whatever reason this line stuck with me and it came to mind yesterday. Ready to start the day, by girding my loins for whatever lesson came next with the express sense that I wasn’t going to like it at all…my spiritual helper’s voice boomed in my head: “You’re going to do nothing but stand still and be open to receive whatever comes your way.” Immediately, I was flustered because doing nothing has never been an instruction, an inclination or justifiable approach to any problem I’ve been presented or faced…I mean like, EVER. So in my head I stood still and didn’t move…and I didn’t like it, and was reminded all throughout the day to be still and receive and listen, like I was some sort of a toddler. But I did, and strangely, things did come, without any effort on my part and it was admittedly a little freaky, even though I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. Even though I barely slept…(which you can see by the bags under my eyes) and it is starting to become a pattern, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in awhile, because perhaps I can discover my dance at the still point and still have faith that God will not give me a stone when I need a loaf of bread.
While I still “feel” like I am walking in the dark, I don’t have the inclination to rush forward anymore, with a sense to just to get it over with. Slow, and still and being open to receive isn’t my go to, but for now it will have to do. Standing in a the still point, being open to receive took more faith than I ever realized. And in truth, for the first time in my life, for one who claims faith comes so easy, I felt like I was demonstrably bad at it (and I hate being bad at anything). Its humbling, and scary and I don’t know where I’m going but I’m beginning to believe strongly, and not just in a cognitive way, but in a heart way that it will be just as God planned, because my commitment to wielding love, unequivocally hasn’t wavered, so it gives me courage to keep taking one step at a time, and when I need to, to simply stand in the still point of my turning world.
This song, which is a bit old, has popped up in my mind a lot these days, especially when I begin to wonder if the darkness has finally begun to overpower us. I remembered that the lyrics always gave me comfort…so I looked them up and thought maybe you could be comforted by them too. The song is by David Wilcox and is called “Show me the Way” https://youtu.be/SBmIIDiN57E?si=uWg6Za6wdOYYtryf
I hope this short little post will bring the kind of comfort it brought me. The God of Love’s imagination is so much broader than our own little perspectives…
You say you see no hope You say you see no reason we should dream That the world would ever change You say the love is foolish to believe ‘Cause they’ll always be some crazy With an army or a knife To wake you from your daydream Put the fear back in your life
Look If someone wrote a play To just to glorify what’s stronger than hate Would they not arrange the stage To look as if the hero came too late? He’s almost in defeat It’s looking like the evil side will win, So on the edge of every seat From the moment that the whole thing begins
It is love who mixed the mortar And it’s love who stacked these stones And it’s love who made the stage here Although it looks like we’re alone In this scene, set in shadows, Like the night is here to stay There is evil cast around us But it’s love that wrote the play For in this darkness love can show the way
Now the stage is set You can feel your own heart beating in your chest This life’s not over yet So we get up on our feet and do our best We play against the fear We play against the reasons not to try We’re playing for the tears Burning in the happy angel’s eyes
For it’s love who mixed the mortar And it’s love who stacked these stones And it’s love who made the stage here Though it looks like we’re alone In this scene, set in shadows, Like the night is here to stay There is evil cast around us But it’s love that wrote the play For in this darkness love will show the way
So, living in the throes of painful emotions is not fun. One, because I am not good at them or understand them as evidenced by the shit show of the many incarnations I expressed over the last few days, and two, I had to take a moment to stand still to figure things out which I also wasn’t sure I wanted to do either. I simply find it easier, sometimes to just get lost in movement, like I usually do. So, I made a concerted effort to step away and then stand still in my messiness to ponder this: In my desire to wield love, what is my real motivation? Is the reason I am freaking out, that I am wielding it incorrectly? What is it that I want out of it? Am I being manipulative in any way, shape or form? And then, once the dam broke, the whole wellspring of feelings came pouring out all over the place. So, when the flood waters abated (pun intended), what was left exposed was one of my greatest fears, one that was drilled into me by multiple sources who should have known better…that the kind of love I desired and wanted to wield in the world, was not possible unless I changed who I was, because I am impractical and wildly imperfect and have such impossibly high standards and continue to push myself and others to be better relentlessly, or because there was not a person on the planet who could relate to someone so complicated, intense and driven like me, a spiritual whirling dervish, of sorts. Again, this is simply a revelation about what I was told by the most influential sources that surrounded me. And while I am aware that some acted on my behalf, because I know I can be difficult and a handful at times, I had to live with the sound of my soul on mute for a large part of my life, and as an observer that had an incredible effect on how I saw and at times still see the world. It is also the reason that I am so committed to doing whatever I can to help every individual out there know they were made just as God intended and hope no one ever has to live a moment of their lives with their souls on mute. So, for me, it was the appropriate time to acknowledge some difficult truths, that wielding love can never be done partially, with the kind of love I understand easily and am comfortable with, like spiritual love and familial/fraternal love. I have to embrace the scarier types too, because love is the source of a myriad of expressions and not just the ones we are comfortable with. This revelation also helped me understand why it has always been easier for me to embrace the love of an omniscient being who “has” to love me because my “worthiness” or “me-ness” was immaterial to the situation.
The good news is that I did, amongst other emotions, feel peace realizing that my motivation to wield love, while incomplete was propelled by a true desire to help others shine their light in the world, and not to manipulate anyone to my particular point of view, or acceptance of anything I have to offer. The nature of love, which according to my faith is always rooted in qualities that are clearly laid out in and evolved throughout the Old and New Testament only really come to mean anything at all when put into action. The expressions are myriad depending on the individual and the kind of love whether it’s from spiritual love called “agape” which is the highest form of love, to “philia” a brotherly/sisterly love, to “eros” the desire and passion between people in love. While the substance of love is the same for all three, the expressions or how we wield it is not, so I’ve come to understand. And, as I learn to fill in the emotional gaps in my year of faith, in hopes of being more effective and powerful at wielding love in the world, (the lessons of which I choose to keep close to my heart), I have to start with me. I am who I am, just as God has created me to be and am worthy of the kind of love I desire, all of us are, even though I’m not sure what that means at this point. Again, what motivates me is the key, and as I fumble forward anything rooted in fear or old beliefs is unacceptable, so I am, within the framework of my faith, tackling those things that don’t necessarily come easy, but I also know how important understanding love is, so I’m charging up that mountainside.
I also want to state clearly that I know how manipulative the world can be…I see it every day, especially on social media…but like I learned from the story of taming the wood fox in “The Little Prince”, it’s so much harder to be manipulated when the proper rites of establishing ties are followed, and taking the time and having the patience it takes to “waste” time for those you establish ties with is a clear part of the equation…and it is the only way to transform how someone sees a wheat field.
While this topic has been in the forefront pretty much the whole year, honestly, I was afraid to tackle it knowing that when I choose a topic (usually rammed in the front of consciousness) it is often accompanied by a test in real life, so I’ve been avoiding it. But given the last few months, I think I’ve pretty much gone through the gamut, so it doesn’t feel like much of an issue right now. There are so many examples I could use to articulate how pain is inherently tied to my faith development that are deeply personal, and I will keep those closest to my heart. There is one, though, that I feel comfortable sharing because it involves participating in the great gift of creation, and being given the opportunity to celebrate in another of God’s powerful blueprints.
I was finishing my last bike marathon across Iowa, and for some reason I was really being affected by the heat…to the point where I almost fainted a couple of times. Of course, I was confused because the heat has never been an issue with me. I was standing in a cold shower at one of the contracted high schools where we all cleaned up and while doing some math in my head, I suddenly realized that I could be pregnant. While I didn’t say anything, everyone in my group knew about my heat sensitivity and when I started celebrating at the end of the daily ride refusing any alcohol it didn’t take much for them to figure it out. (which Steve was always irritated by because they knew before he did). While I was extremely healthy, I also had the worrisome issue of my spinal fracture and the warning the doctors had given me about carrying a child.
Because I am obsessively diligent, I followed every protocol, but it wasn’t easy. I carried the baby very low, almost below the break in my back, and it wreaked havoc on my pelvis. I even continued to work out and do aerobics classes (much to the chagrin of all the other women in the class who thought I was being reckless). By the time I was ready to deliver I could no longer drive because I couldn’t fit behind the wheel of the car. While I only gained about 20 pounds with my pregnancy, I swear the baby’s feet were pushing straight against my pelvis and their head against my belly. Anyway, long story short, during delivery, my bebe got stuck. My hips are very narrow, and while his head was crowned, their shoulder’s got stuck. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place (Connor was born with the broadest little shoulders I have ever seen…) After 3.5 hours of trying every possible position, including putting a suction cup devise on their head and pulling…two doctors determined they would have to push the baby back in and do a C-section.
During this whole process, I was freakishly calm and in problem solving mode (the nursing staff even made an award they gave me for quietest and calmest difficult delivery ever). Steve brought in Pizza at around hour 2 for people (he is always hungry) to which the doctor and my dad were ready to kill him for (by that time there was a crowd present). So, when the doctors told me what their plan was, I was adamant and told them absolutely not, after all this time I was not going to have a C section (plus the baby’s heart rate was stable). I told the doctor to take a leg, and my sister-in-law to grab the other, and the other doctor to push from behind and we were going to get this baby out. It worked like a charm. There were tons of complications after which I won’t go into, but I do realize that creation is a risky endeavor, especially for me but I knew that God was with me…hence my calm during the process. As I have mentioned prior, this beautiful creation has kept me on my toes my whole life, and the pain of participating in their creation and development was and is a central tenant to my faith development. There are countless other examples in my life where pain, whether it is emotional, physical or spiritual, in hindsight, was a central ingredient to the woman I have grown into, which gives me courage in this moment to weather through whatever is presently laid down on the path in front of me.
There are all sorts of opportunities to be a co-creator with God, even if it is simply manifesting one’s own blueprint, but I will tell you this: it absolutely cannot be done without pain, without effort, without sacrifice, without trial and error, without trusting oneself, and especially without faith, in whatever power of love, or universality you believe in. And when I’ve opined in my prayers at how confusing and hard this time is for me right now, my spiritual helper brought to mind that I need to have the same resolve that I did when I have faced the physical and mental challenges I have weathered, all of which has brought me to a more powerful place. I guess what I’m saying is that I was told to stop being such a melodramatic fucking baby about it and keep moving forward regardless of any emotional pain or discomfort…because I know it’s simply part of the process, one that I will pretty much guarantee will be rooted in wild pendulum swings of emotional upheaval, which is simply a microcosm of where the larger world swings right now too. So, know this…I am still sending out ripples of love outward, in the hopes that whatever pains of growth you are experiencing it will take you to a better place if you embrace it and learn from it.
I wasn’t planning on posting today, but I am in such deep internal conflict, that I felt compelled to respond to well,…I don’t like my words from past posts used against me (which it intuitively feels like, not sure)…even if or when appropriate. It feels passive aggressive and well, more a mechanism to invalidate and pass judgment than appreciate and understand where someone is coming from. While I understand no one can understand a person’s soul, I think I’ve laid mine out pretty consistently here, and regardless of how flawed this journey has been and how damaged I may be, there has been an evolution from older to newer posts…and yet I am still a person of consequence in God’s eyes, and should be treated as such. Kahlil Gibran says that your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite, and that neither reason nor passion should rule alone. Reason without passion is confining, while passion without reason is self-destructive. They are the rudder and sails of the soul; both are needed for a controlled journey. I have always taken this to heart because often the greatest conflicts are internal, and as Gibran says, one must constantly treat passion and judgement like two loved guests in your house giving equal honor and attention to both. I try to also take Jesus’ advice to remove the plank from my own eyes before I point out a speck in another’s. Again, while I’m not always successful, I am the painter in this situation, and I always start with my own canvas first.
Even wielding love requires balancing reason, judgement, passion and appetite. And it is pretty obvious that I’ve treated one guest, reason and judgment in my soul better than the passion and appetite and in the attempt to balance them out it may have gotten a bit messy, especially moving into a space that I never intended, expected or understood how completely overwhelming it could be. Gibran also suggests that loving in secret is a way to protect the love itself from the “foolishness” of revealing secrets and the pain that comes from exposure. He advises keeping passion concealed, as it is both a secret and a medicine, and its hidden nature is what protects it, much like hiding troubles can keep you safe. And while I see the wisdom in that from an individual perspective, unfortunately I believe it conflicts with the love that is commanded of us by God. While praying and giving in private may be a mechanism to insure one’s motivations are pure, and to please God, love is not something that is done in secret, but proven by actions, actions that say to the world that no one should be embarrassed by love… in any form. And, as I have alluded to by my vibrant and vivid dreams of being naked all the time, also tells me that hiding love is something none of us can afford to do right now, so I won’t even when I feel cornered by emotions that are completely overwhelming. I will continue to love unequivocally and unencumbered by personal invention and in accordance to my faith, even knowing that it can and will cause me discomfort, awkwardness and at other times elation. So, there is the unvarnished truth that I didn’t want to share…and yet did. I am walking solo in my own shoes forward into a future that is terrifying yet at the same time rooted in the wonderful blueprint that I was born with and a faith that God has a future for me also rooted in joy and not sorrow. Let me conclude with another line from Gibran: let love be a moving sea between the shores of your souls, its seems to fit my particular situation perfectly.
A change in scenery is often a benefit for me when I am stuck in a place where I feel an inability to move anywhere, on any level. So, the chance to go to Louisville Kentucky to experience the bourbon capital of the world and a Jim Gaffigan concert to kickoff of his bourbon tour by a dear friend of Steve’s was a gift from God (even though, honestly, I don’t like bourbon…like AT all). Staying at the amazing 21cMuseum hotel that also housed its own museum of modern art, which I don’t understand but fell in love with anyway, was the perfect context to appreciate and embrace the emotions that I didn’t understand either. Before the trip I prayed that I would be in the moment for every personal interaction and make good eye contact and let the moment itself lead the way. What followed over the next few days, while exhausting and invigorating at the same time, stilled many of my fears about what and how to feel. I simply chose not to control them, and regardless of how awkward I felt about what the “right” thing to do was, or put any particular name or parameter on them, I just felt what I felt and let my heart guide whatever came out of my mouth (which for someone as cerebral as I am, was a bit like riding a bike with a blindfold on). It wasn’t always perfect, but it was true and honest, which I guess is the best that I could ask for.
I had amazing encounters, for example, I loved the trans concierge who I made sure to keep eye contact with while we bonded over funny stories. She was “obsessed” with my eyelashes and couldn’t believe they were real, told me stories about her ex and the Green Bay Packers and I showed her my latest painting and then asked if I could take her picture because I wanted to paint her. I’m not sure if she believed me, but I got her contact info and look forward to the surprise she will receive someday soon. There was also a moment when I was able to with a look and a give heart gesture with my thumbs because I didn’t know what else to do to give comfort to a server who dropped a whole tray of glassware at the bar and had the wherewithal to ask first if everyone was ok, and was so upset she had to leave the area, but not before I flashed her what hopefully was my sign of been there done that and don’t worry about it. She smiled, though, in a real way…so maybe it helped. I chose, specifically, to make eye contact with the doorman, and thank him for all the great info he gave us about Louisville and oh the smile that lit up his face! I focused on all the staff at the distilleries and restaurants who served us and thanked them personally (because you know they all wear name tags). I think I freaked a few of them out…but the fact that I had to use my umbrella after a while for a cane because my hip was literally killing me from all the standing and the walking we did made me seem a little less, well, weird, I guess. I think there are a lot of people in the world who go about their day doing hard work for others who never get noticed and I made it a personal commitment to notice everyone I had contact with. And it was lovely, and yet, because you know there will always be another side…I was also forced to acknowledge that no amount of training will change the reality that my other hip was clearly coming to a point of no return and would need replacing…like soon. So, amidst the pain of everything emotional, the pain of the physical was right there too but in a weird way it put me in the perfect place to deal with my emotional weakness. Pain seems to have a way of keeping me from faking anything…at all. As an aside, my last hip replacement was a dream, I walked out after less than 24 hours, with just a cane, and was pretty much back to normal after just a few weeks (which is also when Steve nearly killed himself in a bike race). And who knows, maybe there is another mountain or cliff to climb in my future…always good to have goals, right?
The weird thing about letting my heart do the walking and the talking on this trip is that it is also when I felt most deeply that letting go of control, of trying to choreograph what something is “supposed” to look like is when I felt the power of God, of love the most deeply. I want to be very careful here, because I’ve heard plenty of tales of “love made me do it” as a way to justify behavior and other kinds of bullshit, and that isn’t what I’m saying at all. What I am trying to say, however inarticulately, that while I understand cognitively what love means to me, as the force and power that propels me forward from a standpoint of belief, I also needed to allow “it” to be what actually moved me, in whatever form it needed to take without my own baggage getting in the way of it, especially without my interpretation of the what the “rightness” of it should look like. I hope this isn’t too confusing but simply saying that I learned to let go and let God seemed too trivial and stupid, for all the upheaval it has caused me. While I have not completely let go of all the compartmentalized crap I’ve held onto for so long, I have moved beyond it to hopefully a freedom to trust my own heart and allow it to feel what it feels and trust that it will be in accordance with what God requires of me.
I did continue to have trouble sleeping. In the quiet the feelings I avoid would manifest themselves quite powerfully leaving me in a puddle much of the time…but that’s all I’ll say about that. The good news is I never felt alone, ever, but just needed to “let go and let God”, as it were (plus Steve sleeps like the dead so I didn’t have to worry about keeping him awake).
All in all, the trip was incredible, with great restaurants and distillery tours and tastings, and especially the Jim Gaffigan concert, and being able to attend his after party. I don’t think I’ve laughed that long and hard for a very long time. Who knew Louisville and learning to become bourbon forward would help me have faith in living in the moment, but it did.
Because of a headfirst plunge into paralyzing emotional discomfort, which on this journey I shouldn’t be surprised by but constantly am (like Charlie Brown is when he continues to believe Lucy’s promises that she won’t pull the football at the last minute just as he tries to kick it, and which she continues to do every time) I’ve found solace in focusing on simple tasks, gestures and daily regimens to help me cope and keep moving forward when all I want to do is to shut up and shut down. So, I clean, (nothing more grounding than cleaning a toilet and being reminded that no one is above getting their hands dirty), do clinic paperwork, cook, paint, work out, perform the general repair of broken things in my small world and pray pretty much all day. Let me begin by saying that I would rather endure extreme challenges physically, mentally, and spiritually than deal with the emotional upheaval of feelings that this journey has thrown in my face as of late. Emotions I cannot avoid, if this journey is to mean anything at all…feelings that have been deeply compartmentalized because they are so rooted in fear and trauma that, at the time, were simply a method I used to survive, and now all I feel is anger which has begun to leak out everywhere, hence the reason for this lesson I suppose. In truth, emotions are not my superpower; I am not good at them and feel completely lost when in order to continue to move forward, I must face and become more adept at what I’m weakest at, most importantly because in order to become more adept at them you have to actually engage with other people to do so.
At this point, it feels like a lot of the time everyone else is speaking a different language fluently that I do not understand leaving me with limited comprehension and confused having only a rudimentary understanding to help me fumble through, or a game that everyone plays all the time, which everyone knows the rules to except me. Yes, that sounds extreme, but it’s taken a lifetime for me to learn how to navigate through and around emotions and if I’m being honest, learned particularly to fake my way through when I don’t know what else to do. God will have none of that right now though, which in time I suppose I will appreciate like I have every other lesson along the way, but for now? I FUCKING HATE IT. It feels like being required to sing a beautiful aria or perform a complicated dance when you know that you absolutely don’t have the requisite skill at the moment to do so even adequately. The message that keeps me awake at night is this: “Easier is not better, you can’t fake your way around the depth of feelings you have if you want to wield love in this world.” Needless to say, my spiritual voice and I are not on speaking terms at the moment…And as an aside, for all of you who feel that emotions are your superpower, I ask you to look at the one thing in your life you are terrible at (come on, we all have them, so step out of your denial) and focus on that for the purposes of this post.
I know Jesus experienced deep emotions, joy, mercy, compassion, love, anger, sorrow, despair and so many more. And these teachings have been the basis for much of my emotional and spiritual intelligence to date. Except I am not Jesus, and I am not a man. The “man” part was so weird for me to admit to because I have spent much of my life proving I am as good as a man, but not so much embracing the feelings of being a woman that make me demonstrably different. And I know I am demonstrably different and perhaps have been in denial about that. Let me be clear, though, embracing my difference does not in any way subordinate me inherently to men out there, especially for those I choose to love. I say that because of the growing sense of misogyny that exists, which I believe is perpetuated by small insecure men (and not in the quote from Ephesians 5 that is woefully taken out of context). But for the sake of my experience at the moment, the spiritual acuity I’ve developed isn’t helpful, in that while it is foundational, it won’t help me understand why I do what I do or feel what I feel in the messy human way that is required of me right now. If wielding love effectively is my goal, then, I think, the dream I had so long ago about being asked to venture into hell is an appropriate place for me to start. A caveat…I wear an oblong black aventurine around my neck at all times as a protection and reminder of a particular symbol of this dream, and I also a wear a symbol of the alpha and omega as a reminder that God is always with me. Needless to say, I have been clutching them a lot lately.
While I will never go into particulars of how I learn this lesson, the nature of cyber space being the predominant reason, (Whether it is because I inspire negative feelings, which is not my intent, or because many of you are fucking mean) please know that I am diligently working on facing what I’m weakest at. Having come so far on this journey, I can’t stop now (and because I secretly believe this lesson came so late in the process so I wouldn’t quit now that I’ve come so far and am so close to whatever conclusion is a result of this journey). I will cope by immersing myself in simple things and promising to face every personal interaction that comes my way, whether I like it or not. And I also promise to continue my prayers and sending ripples of love out into the world…knowing that God will augment my imperfect human heart with a love greater than any of us can know.
The above picture is my “what the actual f*ck” face, in response to a nightmare I had last night. I took the above picture at my worst, with no makeup, bad lighting, sweaty after a workout to say I would rather people remember me like this, at my WORST than HOW I was represented in my dream last night….
I was in a room with a huge crowd of people that I do not know engaging in behavior that was different depending on the person interacting with me…and it was GOD AWFULL. It was as if my person had been appropriated and I kept wanting to scream out the person who was not me’s mouth and say “THIS IS NOT ME! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT, SAY THAT, OR ACT LIKE THAT! I literally woke up saying “that is not me.” I felt so nauseated that I fumbled my way to the bathroom. It took more than a minute to settle down and wonder what the actual fuck freaked me out so bad. I’ve been misjudged or misunderstood a lot my whole life…so what was behind my reaction? I came to the conclusion that it all has to do with the faith people put in their own observations…many of which, given the amorphous nature of cyber space, are in truth wholly inaccurate but because of how advanced the kind of fakery and manipulation of information has become out there, and how easily and quickly it can disseminate to others I worry about the impact on how we perceive any person, place or thing is having on the world we live in. And for me as observer? I am left with the very sorry feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better
What my last post was supposed to be about when speaking of walking in my own shoes, removed from any particular role I’ve played in the past, was to hone and purify my observations as I move along my future path. I have spent a lifetime looking into the impact that an observer has on shaping the reality of our world…and with the invention of the internet, AI, and access to millions we can literally “create” a sense of reality that is observable and feels real and yet is completely fabricated…I guess that is what has me freaked out. So let me present the science and power of observation as I understand it…
In the world of quantum the observer, or the means by which “something” is observed, means everything. Its form depends on “how” it’s observed. For example, light can exist both as a particle or a wave, depending on how it is observed, which, until quantum physics, was considered impossible. Physicist Werner Heisenberg, gave even more importance to the observer via the uncertainty principle, which states that the exact position and velocity of a particle cannot both be known at the same time—the more precisely one value is known, the greater the range of possibilities that exist for the other. Even the act of observing something changes the reality of what is being observed. In the classical view of the universe, science taught that by eliminating subjective influences nature could be revealed as she really was. Quantum physics changed that classical viewpoint by exposing a dichotomy between experienced and un-experienced reality. The idea that the mechanism of observation could actually affect what form matter took forced science into a new paradigm, besides giving great weight to the observer.
The discovery of the wave/particle duality has taken us beyond the limitations of Newtonian physics. There are two levels of reality which can be said to exist: reality as experienced, or as it exists in relation to the observer; and reality that is un-experienced, or as it exists in the absence of an observer (sort of like the old question does a tree falling in a forest make a sound when no one is there to hear it?). Un-experienced reality, then, is reality as it exists before or beyond human experience (perhaps in a dimension beyond height, width, weight, depth and time). Un-experienced reality relates to experiential reality in that it forms the basis or context of experienced reality like an archetype or prototype. The issue that is of central importance to me is the relationship between what is experienced and what is not. Naturally, since human beings, as observers, are confined by certain dimensional and subjective limitations, it would seem obvious that the un-experienced dimension has the greater control over what we perceive. I’m not so sure of that anymore; from my theological background I know the power human beings have to be co-creators of the universe and therefore color every experience with personal meaning. What I have begun to worry about in this age of information overload, is the effect that all the absolutely made-up bullshit out there in cyberspace that looks and feels like it is real but is a complete fabrication will have on the physical and tangible reality we observe every day. I certainly know that it affects how an observer moves in and responds to the world.
I know I’m sounding heady right now, but with the plethora of examples of false information out there and the actual impact it has made on individual observers can’t be dismissed. I think all this falsehood has shaped our physical reality more dangerously than we will ever know. And I also think there are plenty of evil people out there who know this and have used it to corrupt the goodness that access to information and other people in this world could mean via the internet. Those who control information have the power…which is why Jesus warned us about prophets presenting themselves as wolves in sheep’s clothing. In this age of cyberspace, we all have to be hypervigilant about the truth of what we observe. As I walk forward in my own shoes…I will hone and root what I see and hear in fact not fiction. The dream I had will be a reminder of how easily it is to portray someone in a way that is completely false but feels real, especially when their purpose, like mine, is to wield love and celebrate the true and beautiful blueprint of all God’s people.
I told my son Riley, that when he got married, I was going to get a separate pair of shoes for the reception, so I wouldn’t break myself like I did at the last family wedding. They are comfortable and pretty snazzy if I must say so myself. Metaphorically? I think they clearly represent something else as well. Let me start with this: at this juncture in my life, I am no one’s mother, wife, administrator, fixer, chef, student, teacher, or the multitude of other roles I’ve fulfilled diligently (even if imperfectly) up to now. Nor am I the figment of imagination that exists in the minds of people I have no direct contact with out in cyber world. At this specific moment, I am walking unhindered by any expectations others may have of me in how to proceed forward, which feels pretty blind right now. It’s all new territory, much of which I admit I don’t have any rational grip on yet. I know my heart has been struggling a lot with love trajectories and in trying to get messages and observations out there that are simple, understandable and pure…but that’s not really how life works is it. So, for me, standing alone in my own shoes…I have to figure out how to have faith in my own badass butterfly feet. (This was where I paused my draft…)
And, as it happens…a full day later after I paused this draft…and the timing of which is indisputable proof that a huge lesson was coming my way, shit hit my shoes…
The day started with the deep sadness of losing a patient to suicide, Steve tried to help him overcome autoimmune struggles and a dependence on Benzos..(to treat anxiety and other nervous system diseases). The patient was so kind, and I was a bit of a wreck…which is a perfect time for the darkness to strike. While not going into too much detail, a conversation derailed with another patient, who I clearly believed misunderstood something I said, and in my attempts to explain, it escalated even further. The words got loud, and I got him back to a room, but also refused to be chastised for starting “something” which I admit, got me even more riled up (and yes, it could have been my ego). When the patient was leaving, he wanted to continue his outrage, and I directed and followed him outside. Thinking it was time to transform into my badass butterfly, I yelled too, refusing to succumb to his description of the conversation and challenging him on gaslighting…which was the wrong thing to say, and it riled him up further. As the shouting match became untenable, I said that we should stop, and I had to get back to work (plus I was visibly shaking by this point). Once I got inside, a patient grabbed me and hugged me. I apologized, and tried to slow down my breathing.
As I went back to my desk, I saw outside our window that the police had come and stopped the patient from leaving. I didn’t think, I just walked outside and greeted the police and told them that I was the other party that was engaged in the very loud argument. I wanted them to see I was ok. I tried to mitigate the situation by explaining the shouting match by putting my hand on the patient’s shoulder and saying that it was just a heated conversation that got out of hand and apologized for breaching the peace. I guess a couple people called from the parking lot (we share it with a grocery store). I showed them my ID, and went on my way. They stayed in the parking lot, this guy giving a speech for about a half hour. I didn’t care what he said, because I should have figured out early on that he really didn’t care about anything I had to say at all. Since it was lunch time, I made my way to the fitness club where I work out during lunch. Still shaking, it took me an hour of hard work to settle down.
Being a badass butterfly, didn’t feel the same as it did in my dream. The emotions storming through me were too tumultuous at the time and I felt exhausted, defeated, incompetent in wielding love that I so confidently preach about. Thankfully, my older brother settled me down when I called him (thanks John…I love you) and helped to focus my effort to stand up for myself in my own solitary shoes, the emotions already surfacing from tragedy, and that even though I was acting from goodness, I can’t control the results, and the phrase from the Little Prince about words being the source of misunderstanding suddenly popped into my head. And most importantly? I am imperfect and have to learn from the situation. After lunch, I went to the two suites that surround us to apologize for the unprofessional argument only to hear that they were truly worried about me, this little woman standing while a man screamed in her face (I screamed too, but I get the physical imbalance of the situation). There was no swearing, no name calling, just me standing against what I felt was an unjust portrayal of “what I meant, and what I actually said” and in all honesty, that was all I cared about…my own clarification. Perhaps I am just being naive again, while I never thought I would be harmed, none of those in the other offices felt that way and stood on guard to help if anything happened.
Wielding love, at that moment was hard and for my part was an abject failure. I don’t have a security team, or popular presence showering me with adulation like so many people who are in the spotlight fighting against hate and violence or simply celebrating their beautiful blueprints with the world. And while I know that all situations have their difficulties, I sympathize with all the small lights out there who are walking alone in just their own shoes and trying to be a presence of love in the world. There are so many examples of how overwhelmed people are at this time in history, and every action can fuel the flames or give them a reason to hope. I am sad, humbled, and at the same time in awe of the strength I showed in the moment. I also realize, however, walking in my solitary shoes is harder than I thought and that I need love sent my way too, so trajectories? please send some my way….
When Jesus sent out his disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits and to cure every disease and illness, he did it with very specific instructions. The full context is the 10th chapter of Matthew; I will share a few highlights.
As you go, make this proclamation: ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’
Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, drive out demons. Without cost you have received; without cost you are to give.
Do not take gold or silver or copper for your belts; no sack for the journey, or a second tunic, or sandals, or walking stick. The laborer deserves his keep.
Whatever town or village you enter, look for a worthy person in it, and stay there until you leave.
As you enter a house, wish it peace.
If the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it; if not, let your peace return to you.
Whoever will not receive you or listen to your words – go outside that house or town and shake the dust from your feet.
He said this because not only were they acting on behalf of Jesus, they were doing so because it was not for their own elevation or edification, but for Gods, and everyone they helped or healed should be immediately aware on whose authority they acted upon. Jesus also knew that there would be plenty of opposition to the words and actions they would be bringing to the “lost sheep of the houses of Israel” Jesus knew that the people of God had swayed far from what was necessary to bring forth the Kingdom of Heaven, and he wanted them to be prepared:
Behold, I am sending you like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and simple as doves. But beware of people, for they will hand you over to courts and scourge you in their synagogues, and you will be led before governors and kings for my sake as a witness before them and the pagans. When they hand you over, do not worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say. You will be given at that moment what you are to say. For it will not be you who speak but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Brother or sister will hand over brother or sister to death, and the father or mother their child; children will rise up against parents and have them put to death. You will be hated by all because of my name, but whoever endures to the end will be saved. When they persecute you in one town, flee to another. Amen, I say to you, you will not finish the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes. No disciple is above their teacher, no slave above their master.
I used to be worried and confused about this part of Jesus message, but as a precursor to what actually happened throughout the history of Christianity’s movement in the world, it’s pretty accurate. Jesus knew there would be those who contorted his teachings to their own edification and power structures, and wanted to make clear that the disciples should not be afraid of them:
Therefore do not be afraid of them. Nothing is concealed that will not be revealed, nor secret that will not be known. What I say to you in the darkness, speak in the light; what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. And do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather, be afraid of the one who can destroy both soul and body in Gehenna. Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s knowledge. Even all the hairs of your head are counted. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Everyone who acknowledges me before others I will acknowledge before my heavenly Father. But whoever denies me before others, I will deny before my heavenly Father. Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword.
I think we should all pause, especially in this day and age where there is a growing war with who controls the Word of God, and how it can be weaponized as a tool for the darkness. If you preach hate against any member of the body, you are not speaking for God, if you preach superior status in any way, you are not speaking for God, if you preach exclusivity and reject anyone, you deny the premise that all people are of consequence and you do not act on God’s behalf, and if your actions are rooted in fear, anger, hatred, judgment, and chaos, you do not act for God. If your actions reject forgiveness, and embrace violence, you do not act for God. You cannot kill sin or the sinner, that isn’t how Heaven’s sword works. I think we need to remember the power and energy of Heaven’s sword…is the power of love. Jesus says this poignantly in the gospel of Luke:
How can you say to your brother or sister, ‘Brother, sister, let me remove that splinter in your eye,’ when you do not even notice the wooden beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! Remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter in your sister or brother’s eye. A good tree does not bear rotten fruit, nor does a rotten tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit. For people do not pick figs from thornbushes, nor do they gather grapes from brambles. A good person out of the store of goodness in their heart produces good, but an evil person out of a store of evil produces evil; for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks. Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ but not do what I command? I will show you what someone is like who comes to me, listens to my words, and acts on them. That one is like a person building a house, who dug deeply and laid the foundation on rock; when the flood came, the river burst against that house but could not shake it because it had been well built. But the one who listens and does not act is like a person who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the river burst against it, it collapsed at once and was completely destroyed.”
If you truly read scripture, it isn’t difficult to understand how we are expected to behave as a follower of Christ, its laid out pretty clearly. So, in moving forward, like when the disciples were first sent out, HOW you move forward as a follower of Christ couldn’t be more important. In large ways and small, trusting that God will be present in every word and action if you pray out of the store of goodness in you heart, God will be there. After his death and resurrection, when Jesus sent the disciples out and they were worried about their authority moving forward without his physical presence, he told them simply this: They will know you are my disciples by how you love one another. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. I don’t need to stand out on a street corner and proselytize (that is not to say if you feel called to do so you shouldn’t), it is by my simple and yet consistent actions of love that mark me as a follower of the Savior. And I personally believe that actions speak louder than words.
Throughout my entire life I have faced scrutiny and judgement about the actions and words I speak on behalf of God, especially regarding this particular journey of mine and how often my ideas seem to run contrary to the structures who believe only they speak on behalf of God, as a result, I’ve become much stronger at letting go of how those structures can limit or harm me. Because in every daily prayer I make, I trust that the Lord lets me know what it is I need to say and that it will be God’s love as I understand it through the teachings of Jesus that moves me, and that as a result I will remain precious to him. This does not mean that I am placing an imprimatur on my actions and the words I say and write, because I know how fallible and imperfect I am, but that it is my genuine and honest request to God for whom I am a whisperer, that all I say and do comes from a source of goodness and love in my heart that will endure until the end.
The woman sat quietly on a rock facing blowing sands of the desert as a guide approached her. “You’re new,” she said.
He sat beside her and asked, “How are the love trajectories going?”
“Is that meant to be sarcastic?” she replied, immediately irritated.
“Perhaps, a bit,” he replied, “it feels a bit silly and naive” he added.
“What is that supposed to mean?” she said.
Well,” he said cautiously, “I think you are focusing on the more frivolous aspects of, what do you call them, ‘ripples of love’…
“Hmm, there is nothing frivolous about any kind of love, especially when I know that the song of my heart rings true, and I will not allow anyone, even you to make commentary on it. Thats not why I am here, and you know it.” She felt suddenly cold but knew the moment she set in motion had arrived.
“Ok, he replied, “Then why are we here?”
“Why should I tell you, isn’t it your job to instruct me?” She turned to face him.
He laughed and said, “Come on, I have been present in your life all along, you know the sound of my heart, you should be able to guess pretty accurately by now”
To which she responded, “Oh Serpent, we both know you don’t even have a heart”
Taken off guard, he said “What did you call me?”
She responded quietly, “Yes its true, you have been present in my life all along. You were there in every trauma, every obstacle, and every attempt to break me.”
Shifting quickly, he said: “Yes I have, especially in that faulty human structure of yours, the challenges, of which I am particularly proud to have thrown you off your game…I must say you have functionally allowed me to place limits on you in so many ways.”
“Once again, serpent, you’ve completely misread the situation” the woman challenged back, “While I don’t know how much of your hand was involved in my broken spine, the autoimmune diseases, or damage from accidents, you completely fail to understand how the grace I received transformed all those challenges, no, transformed me into the defier of odds, a beneficiary of strength I never would have known otherwise.” She said with a growing confidence that comes with saying it out loud.
“And yet I’m telling you; it will only crush you in the end.” He said, in a way only a serpent could.
The woman didn’t miss a beat, “You’ve said that before through the doctors who told me early on, that without the surgery, I would never carry children, and I had two, they said I would be walking with a walker by 40, and I’ve ridden my bike hundreds of miles across this country, camped out and hiked, sailed, climbed and learned to adapt to dietary restrictions, and health practices to curb my anxiety and focused on my brain and went to law school, and tried a host of other ways to pivot your attempts to break my spirit, my blueprint. You’ve stolen my smile three times, and three times, I did every protocol, and my smile came back. You have plagued me but never broken me. I’ve never taken an illicit drug, or painkiller ever, and I have embraced every necessary health regimen to be as normal as possible.” The woman looked directly into the serpent’s subtle shift in expression, “Your smirk is misguided! I have become something so much more and I celebrate my tenacity, strength and adaptability, so let me tell you, your threats of my demise are as empty as your soul, they do nothing but inspire me to work harder!”
His tone, becoming more ominous, said: “Celebrate all you like. You are but an insect, whom I simply enjoy torturing. What have you called our dance? Death of a thousand cuts?”
Laughing, she turned to him and said “An insect can also wreak havoc too serpent, look at any pandemic in history! It seems you don’t recognize the sound of my heart, after all. While you have received my sad message of taking a beat to stay intact as I wrote this post, know that it was simply a ruse to lure you here by feigning weakness, it dawned on me that sound, one you will never hear allows me to move beyond you, and around your machinations.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”, the serpent replied, “While you are correct that I don’t have a heart, I can feel the vibrations of your pathetic human heart caught in fantasies of sending out trajectories, fantasies of wielding love and bringing light into the world, which in truth, carry no greater weight than a spec of sand in the face of billions, and you think your sorry attempts matter at all? Right now, I am grooming multitudes into monsters, who will maim and kill and there is nothing you can do about it.
“Yes, it’s true…I’ve seen your latest handiwork at the Catholic School I know so well, Serpent”, the woman said in a slow condescending manner, “But please note, however, mine is not just a singular heart anymore, I am Eve, the first sinner, I am also Mary, the first saved…”
Showing a hint of irritation for the first time, the serpent, now in his true form said “So you figured it out, tread carefully woman, I too knew you before you were born, I tempted you to fall the first time, I will do it again”
“Oh, I’m not finished” the woman said, “I have come to learn, and to understand, and be transformed by a multitude of hearts that have crossed my path in a myriad of ways.” The woman turned quietly and said fiercely, “Though you can’t feel my heart, serpent, know that it is no longer just a frail human one shrouded in innocence and fear, it is augmented by His heart, His love, His gift of grace along with studying a millennia of your game playing and tricks, which, by the way, have more than blessed me with opportunities to find goodness in whatever you placed in my path this time around and I have become even stronger. So, hear me now, I am God’s whisperer, and I am not afraid of you or your chaos”
“As it stands whisperer” the serpent responded, “I can make it so no one will ever hear you again. I can make it so you become a joke, a woman who is delusional, a person of no consequence.”
“While you may try, and its true I am just a small woman whose great accomplishment is her simple persistent presence in the world, the multitude of experiences and interactions I have had in the world is clear evidence of the contrary. And remember the most important axiom of the Savior, all people are of consequence, faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains, and love never fails.” the woman continued, “And in all truth serpent, while you always focus on the big flashy picture, and the buildup of powerful tyrants and devastating wars, I, and others like me, have appreciated the power of the movement of butterfly wings to affect the future. I never needed to be big and powerful, although my path put me in the presence of some pretty powerful trajectories, just to see how at their core they are no more powerful a force than I am. The ripples of love already unleashed in the world in simple and ordinary ways are shining brightly in a manner that you can’t even begin to recognize…and you won’t because you don’t really know the sound of my heart, God’s heart, or anyone else’s heart out for that matter. The sound of those hearts is a chorus of love, the songs of their souls, the manifestation of the heavenly blueprint they were made to be and are shining their light in both simple and dramatic ways at this very moment, thus creating not just ripples, but tides of love, that you can’t possibly stop. I know this because you would need a heart to hear it, to feel it, and you would need to know the vibration of the sound of love, and how powerful it has become but you can’t. You may be the purveyor of lies, the Father of smoke screens, but those are temporary illusions at best and will not hold beyond the temporary chaos they create. The momentum has already begun; the tide is turning.”
The Serpent became angry and ominous and got in her face and spit out his final words “I will continue to bury this world in Chaos, noise and fear, and I will twist the Savior’s words like I have throughout history, and I will rip you and others apart like I have done since you ate that apple in the garden and unleashed sin into the world, and I will celebrate its demise”
Backing a step away, she thought for a moment and whispered: “That is the beauty of being just a small, ‘insignificant’ speck, one of many, we have, together, already defeated you. When Jesus died, and before he rose, he broke the walls of hell. You have relied on lies to cover this truth up, but they will no longer hold. The war has already been won with his sacrifice. What is left is each individual choice to receive his grace, to believe they are worthy of it. In this, I will succeed, because I have prayed for it, and if you know anything about His promises, anything asked for in goodness, shall be given to me” She paused and took a deep breath and said with authority, “Oh, and He asked me to tell you this: “You have lost the bet serpent, there is nowhere my love can’t reach. She is mine and I will be there for her, and when she calls me, I will answer,” She stepped back and looked into the void that were his eyes and felt calm and completely unafraid and said, “so let me add my message as well, a favorite quote from the priest and scientist Teilhard de Chardin, whose rhythm also beats in my heart: ‘Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, humanity will have discovered fire.’ And just so you don’t forget, let me repeat myself, though I may be small and seemingly insignificant in your plot, I have prayed for and sent out love to support the initial conditions of a multitude of beautiful blueprints God has created everywhere for decades, so we together, can take this newly discovered fire, this harnessed love and wield it in our world. Your biggest mistake was disregarding the simple movement of a butterfly’s wings, or the power of a mustard seed. Trajectories have expanded, the seeds of love have taken root, and their lights are shining bright. With God together we will wield love and bring the Kingdom to fruition.”
The serpent stood silent before her. She took a deep breath and said: “You tire me serpent…I brought you here to tell you that I am no longer afraid of you and the havoc you have brought into my life, you cannot and will not hurt me anymore. God won’t allow it, because I finally see myself clearly enough to have already asked Him not to allow it. God is unequivocal, Love is unequivocal, and now I am unequivocal. In every step forward, I am fire, harnessing love and sending it out without restrictions, without limits, fully and without fear with a deep abiding faith that in each and every visual light I see and prayerful whisper I release to every person I send it to, is a love strong enough to shape weather and move mountains. A love that is a seal on my arm, a seal on my heart, stronger than death and one that never fails. So, yes I will continue to send out ‘my trajectories of love,’ as you call them, and once they are received and it cracks open souls like it has mine, they will do the same, and begin to affect the world as only love can do and together we shall unleash the powerful blueprints we were all called to be, in all their myriad of colors and expressions.” She looked up to where the serpent began to dissipate and said, “And always remember, there is no place anywhere, even in hell where the love of God can’t reach.”
There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces. A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace
Today I apologize for being cryptic as I share the above quote from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. Right now I am working on my next post entitled: Faith and the Serpent, a daunting title, I know. I need the time and space to move ahead in tact, and had a very strong need to explain that. Think of it as my experience in the desert like Jesus did facing challenges and temptations. I may be quiet for a bit, but forging through whatever is necessary. A good thought or two my way would be good.
Then the LORD said, “Go outside and stand on the mountain before the LORD; the LORD will be passing by.” A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the LORD – but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake – but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was fire – but the LORD was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound. When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went and stood at the entrance of the cave. A voice said to him, “Elijah, why are you here?”
The above verse came to me the other night when I woke up just after 1 a.m. and I saw a light under my bedroom door, I thought “why is he still up?” I got up, went downstairs and I realized that Steve had already gone to bed, but this little lamp was left on…which literally hasn’t been on for more than two years. (I used it when Steve was confined to the living room after his accident, and I had to wake him up to give him medication and take care of the commode) When he got up the next morning I asked him about the lamp, and he said he didn’t touch it, it was completely dark when he went up to bed. Of course I wasn’t surprised in the least, given, well, everything lately…but anyway, I digress.
After working zealously for God, Elijah, in fear of his life and with the help of an angel, escaped into the desert and ended up in a cave. He felt alone and defeated especially after all he had accomplished for God, and that was the context of the above quote. Sometimes I think we only give credence to the large and flashy moments that grab our attention as proof there is something powerful and sacred going on, and that God works more powerfully in the miraculous and in the form of powerful humans. While those things certainly can be and are true, I was reminded in the dark, where I sat for a few moments after turning off that stupid lamp, and in quiet silence remembered the verse above. God was not in the wind, the earthquake and the fire, but in a gentle whisper requiring silence in order to hear God.
So, I sat in the dark and quiet and listened. As I become more untethered to form and convention of the world on this journey and the more solitary this road has become the loneliness I feel is becoming more and more palpable. Then my heavenly voice spoke to me and said, “Mary Frances, just be content with being a whisper and all will be well.” And like I do often these days, I cried. I spent so much of my life trying to be the wind, an earthquake or a scorching fire for God because I suppose it was what I thought I was supposed to be doing for God, when actually, all those “things” led me here, to be in a place where I am comfortable, for once, not being a movement or a force to be reckoned with (although don’t get me wrong, I am still and will always be a badass butterfly), I am content with being a whisper, sending out love and hope, in the form of words, prayers, art and simple actions.
A final caveat…during COVID, when my eldest got a job outside of Chicago, they sent me a link to a song from the 1975’s “You know the sound of my heart” They meant it as a loving gesture, thankful that someone on the planet knew their heart and they found great strength in that. I believe the same goes for all of you out there, I hope you know the sound of my heart, and that, in the rhythm of its small whisper brings you joy.
