Tag: hope

Faith of a Mustard Seed

The above photo was the first painting I did, inspired by my youngest son Riley (the picture following), the context of which is important in understanding the title of this post. In true transparency, I deplore weakness…which in fact, ironically, is one of my greatest weaknesses. The truth of the matter is that we all experience weakness at some point, and I think I’ve been blessed with my fair share…again, no plea for sympathy, it is just a fact, and one that became a blessing for me. I was diagnosed with a spondylolisthesis in my late 20’s (where the facet joints break off, so my L-5 vertebra is free floating). While I opted not to get surgery (because I was told it was only a 50% chance of improvement with 100% promise of future surgeries) I just kept fit, and received regular Chiropractic adjustments. (plus it doesn’t hurt that I fell in love with a chiropractor who also has a doctorate in sports injury). Anyway, along with a genetic autoimmune disease (adrenal/stomach) which caused dietary and digestive issues and bell’s palsy a facial paralysis three different times, my life has been focused on keeping a good diet, managing stress and structural strength, which I managed fairly well…until COVID.

Back in March of 2020, two days before our country shut down, while dancing with abandon at my nieces’ wedding, I shredded the labrum in my right hip (probably overtaxed by my back), which literally halted my ability to move and function normally, and since the country was shut down, there was nothing I could do to address the situation. I knew I needed a hip replacement but was forced to wait a year and a half. While trying to make the best of walking like a peg-legged pirate and being the administrator at our clinic which was dramatically altered and weakened by the pandemic and being cut off from people and unable to release my stress through movement, I really knew my mental health was at a fragile point like many others around the world. One day, my son Riley (both of my children were forced to move back home, which was also interesting…) gave me a picture he had taken the summer prior climbing Mt M at Montana State University where my oldest child got their computer engineering degree. He said simply, “Mom, you should paint this.” So I ordered a simple watercolor set and paper online and did just that. Not thinking whether or not I could do it or to what or where it would lead, I just did it, to put my energy somewhere positive amidst all the doom and gloom that surrounded me. The result has led me to a place that in hindsight, saved me. A gentle leap, the faith the size of a mustard seed has led me down another road less travelled, one more solitary and calm but vibrant nonetheless, even though it has forced me to adapt in ways I never thought possible.

I am by nature a mover. My earlier years were full of world travel that included cultural excursions, mountain/glacier/cliff climbing/hiking/biking, rafting down rivers, snorkeling, sailing etc., I also held multiple jobs beside my main gig in ministry to pay for said adventures that included aerobics instruction, cycling classes, writing curriculum, selling books and clothes (which were a wash because I seemed to use my paycheck to pay for all the good stuff I got at a great discount.;). While I’m glad I did so much when I was young, I also knew that adapting to my changing circumstances was inevitable. All was well, for a long time, until it wasn’t, when chronic pain (which I’ve spoken about before) was more in the forefront than in the background. I remember sobbing in the shower one day, when I couldn’t lift my leg up to the bench to shave my leg because of my hip issue and prayed that I could find a way around these horrible circumstances…and then Riley gave me that picture and said: “Mom, I think you should paint this.”

The reason for exposing all this personal stuff, which I am loath to do and literally makes me sick to my stomach sharing, is because I truly believe that in the depths of our sorrows, maladies, fears, disappointments, loneliness and the harsh reality of the weight of human limitation lies an opportunity that only takes the faith the size of a mustard seed in the God of love and possibility to find a glimmer of hope for a new path. To all who are weary, He will bring you rest. Part of adapting to a new reality for me means I can’t be embarrassed when my faith is stretched thin and I am weak, it happens to all of us. Faith is neither black or white…but I find comfort in believing that even a small amount of faith, when that is all I can muster allows me to take a deep breath and move forward, especially since I’m back to walking bit like a pirate again, as my other hip needs replacing. All will be well, though. I will dance the mother/son dance when Riley gets married in November, of that I am sure of.

Jesus said to them, “Amen, I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Hope and Women

I remember back in college during a theological seminar (was studying academic theology, the female equivalent of seminarian), a seminarian turned in frustration to me in a small group discussion about calls of the Holy Spirit and said quite loudly, “Why can’t you accept the fact that God only wants men to be priests!” And in my unequivocal way, I responded: “Oh, so you have a direct line to the Holy Spirit, do you?” He was disgusted and left the group. I tell this story because I have always felt it is important for girls/women to know that they should follow their calling wherever it takes them, regardless of the opposition others may have to that calling. I fear the tide is turning, though, toward greater opposition to this idea.

I also wrote a paper in graduate school about the obstacles women leaders face by attacks against their characters, often times sexual or intellectual as a mechanism to render their words, actions and relevance null and void. I remember how difficult the meeting with my professor was, not wanting to acknowledge what I thought was well documented paper. He believed it biased because I had way more women in my bibliography than men. I did question whether he compared the gender equality of all bibliographies, and he just got mad, which was stupid of me to say because he gave me a C. I don’t think he quite understood me, so he was surprised when I picked him for one of my panelists when defending my thesis. I won’t go into why, but afterward he went back and changed my grade from a C to an A. I believed, back then anyway, that if I could present something in more of a three dimensional way, perhaps a more female orientation then everyone’s perspective is broadened. In this case I believe I was successful. When I use the past tense in the aforementioned story when I say “back then”, it really means that more people than not used to be open to a greater truth, and new ways of seeing things. (of course many don’t, but there is nothing I can do about those kinds of people). Today, I don’t feel that way anymore.

Lets go back then. Late in his second term, Bill Clinton was impeached for an improper relationship with an intern. I think the outrage went across the aisle on this situation and he was rightly tried. Now, we have a president elect who, by a court of law, by a jury of his peers is found guilty of being a sexual predator (this was a civil, not criminal trial so he is not a sexual offender…legally anyway). Whether you believe it fair or not, his behavior like Clinton’s was established and proven legally. And yet, and these are the posts that gross me out most on social media, are the allegations that Kamala Harris slept her way to the top, which can be factually, on the record dispelled, but still believed because she was deemed not smart enough or qualified to get there on her own. It literally took me seconds to fact check the veracity of those allegations. The generalization here is that men get away with shit, even when they are actually guilty of it, and woman are metaphorically stoned or burned, even when they are not.

There are plenty of places in Christian Scripture where Jesus pushed back against the status quo when men test him on the treatment of women. One important time was when a mob brought a woman caught in adultery (so the mob says) to him in John 8: 3-11

Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say? “They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you? She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, (and) from now on do not sin any more.”

The interesting thing in this dynamic is that the man involved in the adulterous situation is nowhere to be seen. I am fully aware of the law at that time, and that women were considered no more than chattel, or property. Jesus, however, did not see her or other women that way. As a matter of fact, time after time Jesus helped and stood for women even when, by all cultural and temple standards, he should not have.

So, here we are. I expect there will be more character assassinations of women, people of color and sexual orientation who will be vilified and have their character questioned whenever their voices, qualities and callings make people in the status quo uncomfortable. In an age where facts just don’t matter as much as self righteous indignation and moral finger pointing (and yes, I am aware it happens on both sides) it does become more difficult to duck stones that come flying at my head. The hope for me comes when the woman walks away from Jesus, free from her accusers condemnation and Jesus saying “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life”

Hope and Rendering to Caesar

As I was praying yesterday, I was upset at the state of the world at present and this Scripture verse in the Christian New Testament came to mind:

Then the Pharisees went off and plotted how they might entrap him (Jesus) in speech. They sent their disciples to him, with the Herodians, saying, “Teacher, we know that you are a truthful man and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. And you are not concerned with anyone’s opinion, for you do not regard a person’s status. Tell us, then, what is your opinion: Is it lawful to pay the census tax to Caesar or not?” Knowing their malice, Jesus said, “Why are you testing me, you hypocrites? Show me the coin that pays the census tax.” Then they handed him the Roman coin. He said to them, “Whose image is this and whose inscription?” They replied, “Caesar’s.” At that he said to them, “Then repay to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and to God what belongs to God.” When they heard this they were amazed, and leaving him they went away. Matthew 22: 16-22

Further down in that chapter, they test him again:

When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one of them [a scholar of the law] tested him by asking, “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” He said to him, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments. Matthew: 22 34-40

Among the multitude of reasons I was upset about the election Tuesday, was the visceral reaction I had to many in our country that have skewed the line between what belongs to Caesar and what belongs to God. I too, like many, said my prayers about the election, but they were directed to God to help us provide a safe and fair one, and I felt glad that my prayers were answered. But thinking that God somehow answered a prayer by delivering the “appropriate” candidate is, in my mind anyway, the most gross hubris of all. I found all the posts, memes and words about answered prayers vulgar and idolatrous. I won’t apologize for that sentiment, because I said the same thing after the last election. Human beings elected a human being that more reflected what their personal desires represent, and not Gods. If you are under the misguided belief God delivered your candidate, and that somehow makes you a better American or person of God, then you are delusional and disavowing what Jesus claims are the two greatest commandments. And for the record? I love God as much as you do…and this country. Winning or losing an election doesn’t change that. We just have very different philosophies on how it should be run. Because I don’t like the president elect doesn’t make me your enemy, I am your neighbor and you are mine. I will never let one man’s hatred misdirect my love for God and neighbor, because love will always come first.

I also feel compelled to add another cavoite that underlined my frustration, with those who are so concerned about the economy and money as the reason they voted as they did. Jesus told his followers a parable about a rich man who compiled and hoarded his riches so he could eat, drink and be merry for years, but then God told the rich man that this night would be his last night, and what good would his riches be then. Jesus responded to the disciples:

Thus will it be for the one who stores up treasure for themselves but are not rich in what matters to God.” He said to (his) disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds! Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan? If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest? Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? As for you, do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore. All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides. Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your belongings and give alms. Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.

I fully understand how hard times are right now, as a health clinic who fought their way through COVID only to struggle again because of Steve’s accident, and health challenges of my own, I live with struggles everyday enough to empathize with all those whose struggles weigh them down too, and often are far weightier than mine. However, in hindsight, just like Jesus taught, I do make it through one day at a time, and are so very thankful my treasures lie in family (biological and created), friends and patients who exercise love for neighbor every day and a God who augments my fragile human heart in every breath.

I don’t mean to infer that we simply twiddle our thumbs and allow the world to just roll on. I won’t do that. I will continue to demand, in my own way, that the whole American body of which I am a small part be served, and that laws, and structures of this great American experiment continue to ensure that this country evolves as we approach the future, and that the pursuit of freedom and happiness continues for all.

Hope and Forgiveness

I know many minds are made up and I really get it…but when I heard Mr. Trump say that he would be women’s protector whether they liked it or not, and also had Brett Farve ( who is being investigated for welfare fraud in the tune of 77 million dollars and was fined by the NFL 160,000 for not cooperating in sexting scandal) speak at his rally, I thought it pertinent to add my perspective on the matter, because there is always potential for gaining insight for the future. I’ve been up against a patriarchy a time or two in my lifetime and career and have met plenty of men who thought it was their duty to act on my behalf (in this I’m not including my father or my husband, because it just makes sense that they embraced that duty, not because I’m incompetent, but because they had my back). The men I’m speaking about were varied, some turned out to be sexual predators legally named, employees who left in disgrace after spreading lies, and some were brilliant men who did not see me or hear me because I was a woman. Before you label me someone who has a bias against men…I don’t. I married one, and raised two amazing men. I’m only speaking about the men who crossed my path that thought by divine right, whether it be by nature or God, that as a women I was somehow subservient to them and should have limited or no access to roles that are afforded to men. I thought long and hard about revealing the actual stories, but I came to realize that those experiences were for me and my evolution and not anyone else’s validation. Because in truth, whether or not you believe me is immaterial at this point, because the most powerful thing I learned from all my experiences is that I don’t need anyone’s approval, understanding or endorsement of my life struggles, especially if it is the truth, and I benefited from the experience end of story.

But what I will tell you what I learned early on in my career is that I had to be better, smarter and more moral (I worked in ministry) than any of my counterparts because of my vulnerabilities…I was attractive, smart, driven and ambitious. I was also tired of the often authoritarian and draconian holds on ministry, and often fought to my detriment to move the needle forward, importantly, because I knew the high regard Jesus had of the women in his life, and amazingly, he let them make their own choices (the Samaritan woman at the well, Mary, Martha’s sister, the woman caught in adultery etc). This is not to say that I never made mistakes, because obviously I have…but I learned pretty quickly that the vast majority of those in the patriarchy I worked for had no fucking clue what was best for me, or even bothered to ask.

Back in 1973 when the Roe decision came down, I wore a bracelet reminding me to pray everyday for those unborn babies. I was 13 years old at the time, and was at the beginning of my relationship with my God. I wore it until it broke one day, and I take that as a symbol that as I matured and grew to understand more about the world, I realized the Roe decision was more about controlling women than it was to protect life. If you check all the statistics and equitable changes for women, it supports that conclusion. For example, in 1974, the Equal Credit Opportunity Act was passed where woman FOR THE FIRST TIME in history could get a bank account, credit card and loans, and housing and mortgages in their own name without their father or husband’s name or approval. I also learned that the Roe decision drastically improved maternal mortality for women and improved women’s health in general. More importantly it led me to embrace the firm belief that while I still held life in the womb as sacred, it would never be in the best interests of any woman to put her life in the hands of the government, or men who had no place making such a personal decision in a woman’s life. I’ve come to know plenty of women who were put in a horrible place of getting an abortion, and not one of them was cavalier about it or used it for birth control.

For me, I simply made the decision to wait until I was in my forever relationship to have sex. Regardless of how the world had grown to accept sex before marriage in the eighties and nineties, I knew that I was held to a different standard. Let me tell you it was a deal breaker for most of the men I dated. But as I said I was ambitious, and felt called to my ministry and did what was necessary to not only stand for my beliefs, but act in a way that no one could use said behavior, regardless of whether or not that behavior was acceptable pretty much everywhere else against me. The tragedy, though, was that often time perception is reality, and my commitment to “purity” didn’t matter to the people who wanted my silence, or try to force me to behave in a way that I felt was improper or simply just not like me. People believe what they believe and often take great pleasure in spreading lies and innuendo, but I still knew the truth. So when I hear someone like Donald Trump, a convicted sex offender tell the world he will protect women whether they like it or not, I feel sick to my stomach, and I call bullshit…because ladies? I can’t tell you how many of those same kind of men told me the same thing and were more concerned with “changing my mind” or controlling me.

So why did I entitle this piece, Hope and Forgiveness? Because in order for me and many women to move forward and trust their own strength again, forgiveness is an essential ingredient in moving forward towards a more hopeful future. Jesus said that we must forgive in order to be forgiven, seven times seventy, he said. I truly believe that is because when you hold onto transgressions committed against you, they eat you alive, and limit your power and ability to use your gifts to spread good ripples out into the world. I forgave my transgressors a long time ago, and it is freeing and strengthening experience. I also believe forgiveness is essential in standing strong and presenting a more loving society to our children for the future where we work to protect each other.

Hope and Blame

God I’m tired of it…all the lies, and the blame. In Jesus’ time it was the lepers, the prostitutes, the poor, all of them deemed “unclean”. Today, the list of those targeted as unclean is even longer because our access to information is so much more widespread, and with that comes an even deeper vitriol, because we can hate them from afar in perfect anonymity. It appears that as people of faith we have not yet mastered the basic tenets of behavior required of us. “Judge not, lest ye be judged”, Jesus said, “Why do you notice the splinter in your brother or sister’s eye, but do not perceive the beam in your own eye” he said. “Amen I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me” he said. “I will tell you, on the day of judgement people will render an account for every careless word they speak. By your words you will be acquitted and by your words you will be condemned” he said. And most importantly? Jesus said: “you shall love your neighbor as yourself” And when asked who our neighbor is, he told them the parable of the good Samaritan, which briefly is a story about a victim of a robbery who is passed by those who hold high rank and esteem in society, and yet it is one of the unclean of the time who helps him. When asked who the “neighbor” was in this story, Jesus replied, “the one who treated him with mercy”

So I think there is a pretty clear expectation of how we are supposed to respond to each other as people of faith in this time. More importantly, the behavior I described above is foundational for anyone in a leadership role, and not just in a religious sense. Empathy, careful choice of words, discerning judgement, objectivity and most importantly mercy is what I am looking for in my future leaders…not those who lie and blame others for our difficulties. The quality of character should be forefront in moving forward in choosing who to lead. Checking the veracity of the plethora of nasty tropes out there isn’t that hard, even a child can google. And if you choose to stay in your bubble or go down a rabbit hole because it appeases your bias, your own personal algorithm that is your choice. But, and this is a big one for people of faith…the one thing highlighted and despised by the most of the religions of the world….HYPOCRISY. Read Matthew 23 in the Christian gospel just to see how much Jesus despised it

I would think this would be obvious to people, but the level of growing rage against those who are different, or lesser than, renders me speechless. The hope moving forward, for me anyway, lies in letting go of blame, and embracing those who better emulate those qualities taught to me, mercy, compassion, truth and loving my neighbor.

Just Plain Hope

As my pic, I chose a work in progress of Kamala Harris…one that I haven’t and probably won’t share on other social media sites (except for maybe the campaign…as a donation). Why? because I am so tired of the nastiness of the behavior for having the audacity to choose a side, and her ticket gives me hope, and a reprieve from all the name-calling, mistruths and fear mongering from the other side. Of course, we live in troubled times, BUT I think there is a responsible and hopeful way to go about change…change which will be frustrating for EVERYONE, because it means that no one will get everything that they want, and compromise is hard but necessary moving toward the future. And, I fear that those who don’t want change, have the misguided belief that their candidate can stop it from happening. Change is inevitable, evolution, however, is not. Evolution is never easy, because it means adapting to new circumstances, something many are too uncomfortable with. An underlying belief that I hold is that those who refuse to move forward and adapt, ,will simply never evolve, and their “fig tree” (an allusion to the gospel) will wither and die without bearing fruit. Hope in all people and things, and for me, God as a reliant support is rooted in my ability to continue to bear good fruit.

More importantly, for me anyway, I have recognized my personal bias at this point in history. I am tired of the misogyny prevalent today that somehow infers that woman are incapable of not only determining their own lives, but creating a better way forward for everyone than men do. I also believe that a man who has no ability to own up to, and suffer the consequences of his own behavior and chooses to instead vilify others, women, minority groups and any and all who disagree with him is not equipped to move us into a better future.

Kamala and Tim and their whole campaign gives me hope…not because they are perfect, but because they are willing to move ahead and adapt to a wildly changing future all within all the altruism that has kept this American experiment moving and adapting into the future.

Hope in Hand

More than ever, we live in a time where we have limited or no control over how people ingest information. Also more than ever, we have so many unknown sources whose soul purpose is to confuse, conflate and corrupt information for nefarious purposes. I know I sound paranoid, but as a daughter of an English teacher who demanded that when writing a research paper, I had better have at least three or four credible sources in my bibliography to support a quote or text, or I COULD NOT include it into my paper. I remember being on the end of his chastisement when I tried to sneak some things into a paper I wrote on Moby Dick, (and as a sophomore, I felt I should of at least had acknowledgement that I read the damn book when everyone else read the cliff notes). I still hear him in my head when I digest all that is going on in the world, but that is just me. I realize not a lot of people think like I do.

So then, where do we go? I have decided to continue to move forward with hope in hand, and spread the joy of that hope outward. I may not be able to change one single mind, and I guess I am coming to peace with that. However, I will continue to press forward for truth, accuracy and celebrate the good people I interact with every day. I will continue to send out good ripples, whether it is through art, kindness or the myriad of ways I interact with people everyday, and if I am judged, or misconstrued, I will be content that I have no control over that, but it is with joy that I put things out into the world.

I am calmer than I have been in a long time because I have left the burden of trying to explain, justify, or convince someone of my motivation, especially for those who either don’t really know me, or don’t really want to…its just too hard. So I move forward, checking my sources and my own motivation and breathe so much more calmly than I have lately and feel greater hope expressed in the world.

Living in Hope

Already there is a frenzy of media activity after yesterday’s tragic assassination attempt of Mr. Trump. I was, as in any violent attempt on a life, horrified, saddened and oh so very tired of it all. To say we are simply a divided country is probably the biggest understatement of, well, ever. I have already heard cries of vilification of the left as a mechanism of evil that justifies blame and hatred, (as I also heard vilification of the right, when Mr. Pelosi was attacked in his home). I have heard claims of God singly protecting Mr. Trump as validation of why he should win the presidency. What does it say to those who have fallen victim to gun violence and not survived? Does God love them any less because they did not survive and a murderer was successful? Are you really saying that God circumvented our free will in this one instance? So I offer a word of caution and care as we move forward in such troubled times. I am aware of callous comments made in other gun violence situations, for example, Sandy Hook elementary and Margery Stoneman Douglas Highschool being called a hoax, or a mechanism to impede second amendment rights, or the difficulty the Uvalde school community finding answers when that tragedy happened. There are too many examples of tragic deaths by guns to count. Violence is never good, why can’t we all at simply agree on that. We are a country with a rage problem. And, especially my fellow Americans, it is never someone else’s problem, especially if further rhetoric is used as a mechanism to root ourselves deeper into personal bias…then we do share the blame. Gun violence has become too prevalent lately as an expression of the deep anger, blame and hatred of the “other” in our lives, and it is with courage and strength of character that we must move forward, together to face the great divide that exists between all of us . We have to be able to talk reasonably about the violence issue in this country.

Being hopeful does not mean that one side only deserves to “win”, whether its an argument or an election, it can’t. Living in hope, means that we first put to practice the tenets of what this country is founded upon, that ALL PEOPLE are created equal and deserve a life of liberty and happiness. Secondly, as people of faith, or simply as a representation of thousands of years of developed civilized behavior, we must live according to those principles and work out our differences without the incivility, judgement and corruption that plagues us. As an ordinary woman, I may not make much of a ripple, but I do know when I act in a way that works against my principles, I am to blame for the wave of energy that moves outward and feel horrible for it. That isn’t to say that we can’t be angry about what is going on in our world, but it is the “how” we put that energy into action that counts. Living in hope means that even amidst all the turmoil we can all radiate hope for a greater future. We all have the necessary skills to do so, it just takes discipline and commitment to move forward together, and also believe in and fight for justice and the greater good, while still holding those accountable for actions taken against those principles. America has risen up from division before, and I will live in the hope we can do it again.

Hope and the Movie in my Head

A priest once told me that the movie in my head was better than the real thing and I was setting myself up for disappointment. I was decidedly angry about that and was set for a long time on proving him wrong…who was he to insult my imagination and desire for world change? I worked really hard throughout my lifetime and career to bring the movie in my head to fruition. Looking back, I am amazed at some of the things I attempted and all of the things I learned along the way. While I will always be thankful to my younger self’s energy, enthusiasm and commitment to a better world, change is hard, so if I’m being honest I was and still am disappointed in reality much of the time. But I still lean on the movie in my head as a mechanism to push for a better world, even if it’s scaled down quite a bit.

It’s humbling, as I got older, to realize that I was never going to be the mover and shaker I had always envisioned myself to be, but I still try to embrace the hope in a brighter future that motivated my every action when I was younger when the whole world was at my feet. And, while most of my disappointments were the result of my own failures, there was still quite a chunk of it that was the result of running up against those along the way who were more apt to be threatened by the movie in my head, which more resembled the necessity of a kaleidoscope of people and personalities (without prestige or power) that make the world a better place. I don’t care much for people in authority who feel entitled to force their “movie” onto everyone else, simply because somehow a public office, a pulpit or media forum made us think them superior because their presence saturates the airwaves we are exposed to. Repeating a message over and over so people know it by heart doesn’t make it a true or good one. But the affects of repeating a message over and over does effect how we live out the movie in our own heads, especially for those who claim a higher authority for said message, regardless if it a good one or not.

The sheer volume of information, stories, movies etc. out there demand that care must be taken before we allow another’s movie or vision to change and alter our own. I question the veracity of everything now, having fallen victim to those whom have tried to limit or thrash the movie in my head for their own selfish purposes. I would never want to do that to another person, which is why I am committed to continue to make hope the central theme for the movie in my head. Jesus once told his disciples that the Kingdom of Heaven is within…I take him at his word and it is where my hope lies…inside my head.

When Hope Wavers

I’d be a liar to say I’m hopeful all of the time, or even most of the time, these days. Even Jesus, though, felt hope wavering at times, whether it’s trying to explain something difficult to his disciples or just before his arrest in the garden begging his friends to stay awake with him, or when Judas betrayed him, his trial, and then his crucifixion. It’s weird to take solace in that, but it helps me. How does the world take something or someone inherently good and flip reality on its head to turn it into something bad? I don’t know, but I see it happen every day…and its getting harder to understand why. More impactfully, I am saying out loud that many people don’t really want to see the truth of a thing at all, especially if it would include the admission that they were completely wrong in their assumptions, that the real truth of something is beyond their limited comprehension (which truthfully, is a kind way of saying they are at best lazy and in the least just stupid), and the shift that they would have to make moving forward is just too hard and uncomfortable.

Understanding truth as multidimensional concept means that since I have a singular perspective, I cannot possibly comprehend it fully without help. I think that is why Jesus said that we will be judged by the same measure we judge others. In hindsight, I have learned in so many situations that just when I think I see something clearly, something else will occur to show me that I really don’t, that truth is more complicated and expansive than what I think I know in the moment. And that is a good thing, it is the way I want, no I need my continued evolution and appreciation for truth to be. For while evolution is one thing, arrogance is quite another. When it comes to truth, I think being evolved and arrogant cancel each other out. The most hopeless moments I’ve had recently is encountering persons who are so rooted in a one or two dimensional assessment of a person, an idea, or an event that could be easily broadened, clarified or even dispelled by the easiest of effort to more fully understand but won’t because it feels too good to be on the “right” side of things whatever that means.

And I know this will offend many, but I understand those moments of despair Jesus must have felt at his betrayal in the end, the obvious truths stamped down because those in power feared him, because there is some rush in being part of a angry mob, an excuse to remove the Son of Man who demanded a more loving, truthful and graceful way of life. Exponentially the “graceful way of life” freely given as a result of his sacrifice to any and all who ask, even the flawed humans who put him to death. But its the next phase forward that has dashed much of my hope these days…its the people who say they have embraced the grace of that sacrifice and name themselves as “Christians” but do not treat the least of those of us as if they were Christ, or do not use actions instead of words to let the world know they are Christian by how they love on another, or do not celebrate the talents and gifts of all God’s creation (and as explained in letter to Corinthians, the gifts of the Spirit, are all different) to become a fully functioning body of Christ. There is no less corruption of power, hierarchy , exclusivity within the church today, than there was two thousand years ago.

So, has the world we know really shifted as a result of the resurrection? I only know for sure that my world has transformed…I am who I am because of my faith, and I have been graced by gifts of the Spirit of that faith. And yet, my hope still wains sometimes, what do I do? In the simplest imperfect way, become a point of grace and hope for another, and embrace those who do the same for me.

Hope and Shining your Light

Yah, this hope thing can be tricky, because I certainly don’t want to sound saccharine, and quote a bunch of pithy stuff. I, like many people are struggling with the concept of true hope in an often corrupt world, especially in regard to root beliefs that have been held for a very long time. When I look out into the world, I fully admit, that I wonder what the hell people have been consuming (and not just drugs or alcohol) to believe some of the literal shit that is out there. Does anyone recognize truth anymore? Have we completely lost the ability to think critically or see truth beyond our own personal bias and desires to the point of harboring pure delusions just so we don’t have to shift our thinking? Are the people running the show actually the best out there to lead us down that straight and narrow road? (not just political, but religious, scientific and anybody else who purports to be an influence ). ANY PERSON OF INFLUENCE who rages on about the corruption of others, who utilizes a false narrative to create fear over potential, clouds judgement over the truth of a situation clearly, only complains and never offers solutions, and most of all, perpetuate hatred over love…just needs to shut the hell up. As you can see, my sense of hope has become a bit damaged.

I guess my next question is this: How do we get our hope back. That my friends, has been my greatest challenge. It isn’t enough to simply believe in and embrace hope in my soul…that is like keeping my light hidden under a bushel basket. There has to be a way, where all of us commit to unsheathe the gifts we have been given and expose them to the world, so that we can not only change it for the better, but to stand against the fear mongers, haters and hypocrites who are sucking the intelligence and clear sightedness out of our collective human consciousness. Now I get that anyone can use a gift for nefarious purposes…I think we’ve seen plenty of that already. We can only be responsible for what is within our own selves, and we have to be willing to never let fear become an element of that equation. I can only be responsible for how I share, and for me that is with kindness, love, intelligence and generosity. I also know that how others respond to the gifts I bring to the table is beyond my control, but as long as I share my gifts truthfully, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks. I say this not to avoid criticism others may have, but more as a reaction to the all too easy negation of a person’s gifts through judgment and bullying. I am specifically saddened by the increase of negativity on social media, and the level of suicide that results.

Building back hope doesn’t begin with the movers and the shakers of the world, but with individuals we engage with every day. What can I do to help elicit the beauty that lies within each and every individual? That’s where we start.

Hope in things that are

Sometimes its easy for me to get caught up in the hope of things to come, pushing energy into future dreams, prayers, desires, that I forget to stop and remember that in order to move successfully into a hopeful future, I have to recognize the hope that exists in the present, if I take the effort to look for it. It’s been a tough time for me, as it has been for many. Looking back, though, my path forward would have looked very different had I succumbed to the difficulties life seems to present on a daily basis, (the death of a thousand cuts, as I call it). I don’t get hung up on comparing woes with anyone, mine are distinctly that, mine…but I do offer some simple advice to those in the throes of difficulty: take a moment each day to highlight the hopeful moments that occur, and some of the weight falls away. I think its part of creating necessary pathways in the brain to create a more positive perspective on what ever appears to be challenging at the time.

In hindsight, sometimes the greatest difficulties present great opportunities, the struggles of COVID became an opportunity for me to become an artist, an ability I never knew I had. My limiting biomechanics became an opportunity to be still and embrace the more contemplative side I craved as a young woman. Going down those paths, help keep me focused on the possibilities of future paths, if I keep focusing on the hope that exists in the present.

Hope

Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and said, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.”

This is one of the phrases of scripture that many “Christians” don’t pay enough attention to. I put the word in quotes because in many ways I don’t even recognize the essence of Jesus in many churches who claim him as their guiding principle in today’s world. Traditional power structures such as wealth, control and authoritarianism that has corrupted many “religious structures” often weighs me down until I realize the “saving” power they offer their flock is like the camel squeezing through the eye of a needle, because it is rooted in human frailty of elitism, comfort and wealth not God. They are no better than carnival barkers who offer the perfect cure with little effort on the part of one who consumes it, except the belief that somehow by being a part of an elitist club, (where only “they” are correct and righteous) that they have secured their space in heaven. They should spend more time listening to the gospel message, itself, especially when the above story concludes with:


And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands for the sake of my name will receive a hundred times more, and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first.

So my focus this year isn’t a condemnation of the rich, or too many indulgences at Christmas time or the prestige that comes along with being connected to the perfect church. party or demagog…it is the hope that for God, all things are possible, and that all prayers, asked in goodness and faith will be answered. Moving forward with faith, hope and love is my greatest power. Even in today’s challenging circumstances, I pray today that the power of hope guides and encourages you in this year’s journey around the sun.

Joy and …..

This post was originally titled something else. I tried to live within the theme of joy, but given the current situation in our country and world, the message seemed inappropriate, because truthfully,…it felt trite, disingenuous, disrespectful, entitled, and simply unfair to be talking about joy right now. So, if you would indulge a bit of diversion this is my “not joy” insight. If joy is feelings of great pleasure, happiness and contentment, then we should all take a quick hiatus for a moment. There are times when given the gravity of the violence happening in my home town, when a discussion of joy is reserved for a later date. There may be a time to talk of joy amidst crisis, but that moment is not now.

I have only one single perspective. If I stand alone and demand that the only value is in what I see, and hear and dismiss any other vantage point because it is contrary or different than my perspective then it is antithetical to my personal evolution and contrary to my faith. If I try to move around to see things from different angles and ask for and listen to the perspective of those who may see things vastly different than I do, I think that not only helps me evolve and fulfills what Jesus requires of us, but is the only necessary place from which good solutions are to follow. I think its essential to take a moment and walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Looking at things from a variety of perspectives, asking and listening to others doesn’t mean that I have to buy in to any one perspective, but it is required if we are to love our neighbor as ourselves, and love the least among us as if they were Christ. What seeing from a variety of perspectives does for me is to create a sense of empathy, understanding and a greater truth beyond my own limited perspective. Then I get to re clarify and move beyond my limitations.

We have some difficult steps to take now and into the future. It can’t happen without a dialogue, one that is sure to be charged with emotions and opinions. But, if we truly want to get beyond this crisis of the pandemic, racial inequity and the resulting violence and bring together the people of this country, then confronting the uncomfortable and learning to address these problems with civility and respect is a necessary requirement. Before any of us stand in polarity for or against any issue, remember these words that Jesus spoke:

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will render an account for every careless word they speak. By your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.

There will be a variety of perspectives on all the worlds ills in the weeks to come, especially before our elections…let reason, love, truth and the golden rule of treating others as we would treat ourselves reign. I won’t tolerate bullying, but I am open for dialogue. I am praying all the time, for us all.

Truth and Water

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I know I’ve said this before…be careful what you pray for…when I spoke of money in the last post and the story of the widow’s mite, giving from need instead of want etc…I should have known that I would be tested on that particular conclusion and commitment. Tuesday our water stopped running. Wednesday the phones and internet were down, I have all my neighbors coming to my house on Saturday to celebrate the season. I am making the food for said celebration…and I have no water, and until yesterday with no internet or phone, trying to fix the problem was very difficult. So, feeling like Job for a few moments, “life is but drudgery” and all that, I rallied and repeated my mantra over and over…”All will be well, all will be well and all manner of things will be well.” The irony of the word “well” wasn’t lost as I was told the diagnosis after replacing many things plumbing was: “the WELL pump is shot.” I guess I am getting what I asked for: being in need. It has taken a Herculean effort to not panic as the costs add up and yet I’m also thinking that that is the point: will being thrust suddenly in need stop me from giving? The answer is no, it will not because I am actively choosing faith, choosing God and I felt peace about that. I found a great well guy, with the suggestion of a friend and my water is again flowing. The lesson here is that we are all in need, even if we don’t know how much because we are so insulated by the comforts of modern living. So how do we cope when life gives us situations when our “well” runs dry? The truth of the matter is that we can’t do it alone, we need God and each other and that is what strikes fear in most people…that we all “need” outside help. For me this is the heart of what this season of light should be about. We are not alone in the darkness. There are truly good people about and it should be our sole focus during this sacred time to extend a hand to one another and say I am here for you, you are not alone. Give a little light and receive a little light.

The truth about water is that we can’t live without it, and yet we take it for granted every single day.  I know I certainly did. I feel the same way about truth. The water for the soul is truth, and without it we cannot survive. While I may not appreciate God’s timing in all this, I certainly understand it. I appreciate water so much more now that I have it back. I also appreciate what life without truth would be like, in a country where I could not speak freely, it would be as devastating. I am hoping that I never have to live without it and pray God doesn’t feel the need to deprive me of it to teach me a lesson…ever. An end run of avoiding getting what I prayed for? I hope so. Today, I am grateful…for water and for truth.

 

More prayers for you on my Birthday

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Today, I celebrate the anniversary of the day I arrived on this planet. Today I feel joy because: I am surrounded by a loving family, I am empowered by a loving God, I choose love as my focus and energy, and I embrace truth. justice and the American way 🙂 So here goes…

  1. I pray you be kind in thought, word and deed…the world is in desperate need of your kindness, make it your superpower.
  2. I pray for you to stand for truth in all that you do, especially when it may appear to be against your own interest, watch how it can transform that moment. In truth there is always greater freedom. Lies deteriorate God’s Kingdom in this world and we have the power to stop it.
  3. I pray you come to realize how important you are to the fabric of this world. Your golden thread holds many other threads in place to show and become an even greater beauty. Never underestimate God’s blueprint, every thread is counted.
  4.  I pray that you release fear in your life. It is a source of animosity and judgment, and inhibits your ability to be all that God intends for you to be. Find comfort in knowing that when God is for you, nothing will come between you and God’s power.
  5. I pray your eyes are open to the wonder of God’s creation and that you can take precious moments to let the beauty of our world sink in and nourish your soul and  in so doing you recognize your own beauty.
  6. I pray you see clearly the impact you have on those around you and that your love, hope, faith, kindness and truth do influence and affect them. I pray that you’re open to receiving the same from them. I know sometimes its easier to give all those things out than receive them.
  7. I pray that you can ask for forgiveness as well as forgive others for any intended or unintended  hurts. Most importantly I pray that you forgive yourself. We are all imperfect and our journey on this earth isn’t about being perfect but growth.
  8. I pray that you find happiness and contentment in all you do, and if what you do doesn’t make you happy, I pray for the strength to find what does and do that.
  9. I pray that you find a way to laugh everyday, it will do your brain good!
  10. I pray that this next year we all find ways to rise above all the negativity and work together to build the Kingdom of God. And I pray we remember every day that all things are possible through God

A Lifetime of Bearing Fruit

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I found out late last night that one of my roommates from college passed away. In looking through all my old photo albums, I was aware, once again, of those positive influences in my life who helped me overcome my inadequacies, and stood as an example of goodness, truth and such kindness. She stands front and center. I know its common to talk about people who die in celebratory language and images. But Louise was the real deal. She would get teased sometimes by her Pollyanna approach to the world, but she was just, simply, so good. She helped me stay optimistic when my more brooding tendencies would begin to take over. A fellow sojourner on a quest for spiritual enlightenment, she visited a community in Canada to calm her spirit and find some answers, like I did in the desert in New Mexico. She found her soul mate in her husband Tom, a relationship I often used as an archetype of how a man and woman behave in a healthy relationship. I wasn’t always good at social cues, and Louise somehow helped me navigate through the complications of relationships. Even after all this time she continued to be that person who glowed, and that was intrinsically so much better than many of us not just because she was kind, funny and smart, but she moved in the world living a life that reflected her spiritual values and made it seem uncomplicated and effortless…and she never made me feel inferior, never once, even though I believe it to be true, in every sense of the word. Lou was matter of fact about what was necessary to be a modern Catholic Christian. She had her causes and worked tirelessly to bear her own brand of “good fruit.”

She was that friend you could always pick up right where you left off. I was able to talk to her on the phone a few times after she got sick because she lived in another state. The first time, I didn’t even know she was sick, we didn’t talk about that, we just picked up and updated like we usually did. My world was brighter every time we connected, and it is my hope that I made her world brighter too. She was my only friend that continued to write letters long hand as well, waxing philosophically much of the time, continuing to search and grow. They are in my box of letters along with others like my father’s that made me think and grow. She again, was much better at it than I was. I would start but never finish, and end up sending missives separated by long periods of time that had many different sections that were started and then stopped. I regret letting my own ill health often get in the way of reconnecting, but I do feel confident that she knew how much I loved her, even if we didn’t see each other very much.

I have often used Saint-Exupery’s “The Little Prince” in the story of the wood fox, to depict how to make friends or tame people…

Taming

Louise tamed me. She transformed how I learned to see the world. I’m sure through her husband and beautiful children, her friends and family, no one will see the wheat fields in the same way agian. And it is nice to know that there is one more angel in heaven watching over and bringing us light and hope.

Seeing Colors

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Christmas time, a season of wonder, full of hope…but what should it mean to people of faith? There are plenty of people out there who appreciate this season for a host of reasons…those of us who claim to be Christians should be on a whole different page. We should always live with a sense of wonder and hope, even if, in times of trouble, it is buried deep. The funny thing, is that given the current climate, most people (and I’m talking about Christians here) don’t live that way. They live in fear of others who are different from them, or think differently than them, or embrace such righteousness that they, like the religious elite that Jesus despised, think that everyone else is beneath them, and take pleasure in condemnation or scapegoating others. Those are the distinctions for me that are proof they don’t get it, they can’t see all the glorious colors that faith, hope and love brings. There will be plenty who read this who will have a visceral reaction…who does she think she is? except in more in more salacious terms. I don’t care. There is too much at stake. If you see yourself in any of the descriptions I’ve negatively laid out, then read a bit of the Gospel and CHANGE. Bullshit doesn’t work anymore. If you want to be a change-maker, a true disciple, then you believe what Jesus taught. Walk on water, do the things he did, show the world you are truly a disciple by how you love one another…AND DON’T WORRY ABOUT BEING SEEN, OR GETTING CREDIT, OR ANYTHING BUT LIVING JOYFULLY IN THE COLORS BROUGHT TO SIGHT BY THE FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE THAT YOU SUPPOSEDLY LIVE AND LOVE BY. For those of you who aren’t necessarily religious, per say, and are tired of me proselytizing, try and read between the lines to at least embrace the simple challenge of living beyond fear.

That is my commitment for next year. I want to meet and know people who see in color. I want to help bring that goodness to the forefront.

The Waiting Game

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To wait, is to stay in one place in expectation of something. Waiting is never easy in this day and age and I think it would be safe to say that we do it badly. It can inspire the worst behavior, whether it is in traffic, or shopping, shipping, or security lines at the airport. It can also inspire despair, waiting for justice, for assistance, for long awaited promises. We expect and often times demand immediate results. In doing so we lose the sacred element of expectation: faith, hope and love. What if we could use this season of light to relish waiting, to use the pensive moments we often hate to take a beat and just relish the expectation of what is to come, instead of giving into the fear it often inspires, i.e. the unworthiness that comes when we don’t get what we want, or think we deserve?

Waiting gives us an opportunity to exercise faith, to trust, regardless of our present circumstances, that the goodness we are waiting for will come. Waiting gives us a powerful opportunity to extend that same faith toward our brothers and sisters, often inspiring the same hope in them, which, in turn gets extended out to even more people. Most importantly, though, it brings a precious opportunity to reflect on what it is we are waiting for. In the the readings for the third Sunday of Advent, Jesus asks the people, regarding John the Baptist,

What did you go out to the desert to see?
A reed swayed by the wind?
Then what did you go out to see?
Someone dressed in fine clothing?
Those who wear fine clothing are in royal palaces.
Then why did you go out? To see a prophet?
Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet.
This is the one about whom it is written:
Behold, I am sending my messenger ahead of you;
he will prepare your way before you.
Amen, I say to you,
among those born of women
there has been none greater than John the Baptist;
yet the least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.

So, if all we celebrate this Advent is to become of any consequence at all, we must anticipate with hope, faith and love all that Jesus promised. He lived, died was resurrected so that we have, by his grace, that special place in the kingdom of heaven. If we could live in that space of anticipation, the world would become transformed. Let this truly become a season of goodwill toward all, in every moment of preparation for Christmas.

On Seeing the Glass Half Full

half-full-glassIt’s been awhile, and the reason is simple: life happens and sometimes life is hard. Events occur and people we love grow ill and the future teeters in a precarious balance that seems beyond everything but hope and prayer. The world is fraught with crisis and to weigh in demands I make a choice. Will I be a glass half empty person or a glass half full person. I choose to stand on the side of the half fullers. For me its not a Pollyanna thing but a hard stance in the face of negativity and dare you to defy my hope kind of thing. Ultimately, it is a requirement of my faith…for without it, I am just a seed on rocky ground. This world is so good, and so full of great things happening every day, and not the apocalyptic nightmare purported over the many means of media.

It’s also a science thing for me…in a quantum situation, i.e. light can exist as a particle or a wave depending on how its observed (note, prior to this double slit experiment, it had to be one or the other, light could not exist as both). Life can be good or bad, I as the observer determine which…and that determination matters more than anything. I can affect an outcome through faith, hope and love. Words matter, telling the truth matters, prayer matters, looking to the future no matter how daunting with God, in whatever form, augmenting our weakness with deep abiding love and strength matters. It ultimately distinguishes who gets up and moves forward.

For you glass half empties…I offer you my prayer to learn to see with hopeful eyes