Category: A year of hope

Faith and Limits

The phrase: “No Limits”, was a guiding principle of my early life, as well as the phrase: “If it was meant to be it was up to me”. I thought I was holding to the principle that with God, everything was possible, which I still believe is true, however, none of us are on this journey alone, and when you’re so hell bent on moving forward at any cost, you do miss the occasional freight train coming your way that inevitably throws you off course. I missed seeing plenty of them, and have shouldered the consequences of the trauma caused, and yet at the same time have evolved by lessons from them that I would have never learned otherwise. I did settle down, and more importantly took the time to evaluate a situation when a huge obstacle seemed to be thrown down on my path. Sometimes, I believe the obstacles were heavenly blessings, sometimes a consequence of my impatience or inability to see when I was acting recklessly (like the time I swan dived off the top of a telephone pole with a simple harness to prove to the asshole guys below that while I may have been just a “peanut” as they called me, my metaphorical balls were bigger than theirs…which is why I went last, so there would be no discussion) Like I’ve said before my greatest weakness was thinking I had none, and I’ve paid a huge physical consequence as a result. Sometimes the limitations I face are just examples of living in a flawed human world. Lastly, some of the limitations were a result of people who threw obstacles in my path simply because they just didn’t like me or care or just didn’t give a shit and wanted me to fail, which is another reason why it’s important to surround yourself with those few people who have tamed you and have your back. Another essential caveat in understanding why I am standing where I am at this point is a prayer I made while part of a peace keeping mission with the National Council of Churches in Soviet Russia in 1984. I was the youngest by about a decade and in reaction to the bombast of many Pastors and Ministers I interacted with on the trip…I simply asked this : Lord, whatever it takes please, please, please never let me become an asshole (pretty much word for word). I believe God held true to that prayer and placed many obstacles and sent karmic blasts my way that kept me in my place.

Appreciating limits, learning from them and never wanting to become an asshole, to put it bluntly, are essential guiding principles for me now, besides all those other axioms of my faith. Which is why, and I’m going out on another limb here, I need to state clearly that I am not seeking fame, notoriety, or using a subject of my art as a steppingstone or any other misguided belief others have about why I paint what I paint and where it goes once I’m finished. It has always been my practice (even though I’ve only been doing this for five-ish years) to first offer the portrait to the subject in it if they want it as a gift before I put it up for sale. There are plenty of joyful examples of that in my small circle and I do it without bragging or notoriety. I do it because I simply want to continue the ripple (which is why I’ve also thought more than once why this gift came to me so late). Since the internet is, for me anyway, a kind of wild frontier, it has become one of those limits that I will have to learn to navigate around, with as much respect as I can. And I know I am pushing the limit of the prayer I made all those long years ago to God about not being an asshole…but if I see one more reel of an attractive Asian man sands shirt or other clothing in clearly visible underwear brands my fucking head is going to explode…put your damn clothes on. One of the things I’ve appreciated about Asian TV and films is a more genteel approach to human interaction, and people aren’t nekked and eating face all the time, plus modesty to the XY’s in my house were never and still aren’t a priority much to my chagrin, so I’ve seen enough for a lifetime….

Lastly, I don’t have much of an online footprint, because my presence is more to observe and learn and broaden my perspective. What I find hilarious and representative of my relationship with God is that when you search my name according to the AI info on Meta, It turns out I’ve had a long and illustrious career as a beauty pageant consultant (and I’m dead). Best laugh I’ve had in a long time…and for some I may need to say this, that is one of the many adventures that I haven’t had.

Let your next limitation be an opportunity to learn, re-evaluate, and redirect if needed, while still holding onto the power that guides you…as I said in the beginning, with God all things are possible.

Hope and Hubris

This is a tough one for me. In my mind, hope has always been more than a desire or an expectation or belief in a particular wish fulfillment, it is an expectation that goodness and love will prevail, even if my own actions fall short. Yet, in a world rooted in free will (that’s a discussion for another time) my hope, the anticipation of goodness can and often does run head on into the hubris of others, (seen as an exaggerated pride or self confidence rooted in limited or no real ability). Jesus tells us, for example, that the hubris of the Pharisees is believing themselves to be exceptionally pious or morally superior to others while rejecting core values of compassion, mercy and justice over outward displays of religious devotion.

I am not saying that I never fall into the trappings of hubris, but I certainly have in my past tried to learn from those moments (and the simple fact that I have about a 5 second karmic turnaround). The focus of hope verses hubris at this point in time, is to focus entirely on what core values will move us forward in goodness toward a better future. While my hope does sometimes wain in the face of those who preen with righteous arrogance that the train they are on is limited to just a select few, it is the strength of my faith rooted in my very real belief that there really is only one train, and either we work together on how that train reaches its destination, i.e. a better life on this planet first and then eternal life, or we allow the hubris of those who live in the confidence that only “the certain chosen few” get to ride the train, leaving no one to arrive at our destination.

What those who share in the kind hubris the Pharisees fell victim to results in their inability to see and understand that the world depends on the gifts of a whole lot more than their little group to run smoothly. The focus on a narrow perspective on how the world should run is in complete defiance of the analogy of the body that Paul uses in Corinthians, it acts in defiance of Jesus command that we treat the lowest of those in society as if they were him. It is not rooted in mercy or compassion, but the designation that “some” are not worthy and must be cast out. The hubris in this notion comes when a human being decides that they know the mind of God and can determine, by formula, who is worthy and who is not. It is the purest form of bullshit that exists. Just putting oneself under the umbrella of a religious or righteous person didn’t work for anyone in history who decided they knew what was best for everyone.

And that leads me to hope in true goodness. There have been religious leaders in our human history who did lay claim to greater knowledge, without falling into the trappings of hubris…and it was discovering their true strength lies in being humble over being full of pride. The true test of Christs power is that he faced the tests of his giftedness and was still willing to put that strength aside to make a great sacrifice on our behalf. There is no hubris in a God who loved us enough to die for us in order to save us…even in the face of our own frailty and flaws.

So my hope, while delicate, will reside in watching and supporting those who are compassionate, act with mercy, are humble and acknowledge that we are all on this train together, even when we are not all thrilled about who we have to share a seat with.

Hope and Women

I remember back in college during a theological seminar (was studying academic theology, the female equivalent of seminarian), a seminarian turned in frustration to me in a small group discussion about calls of the Holy Spirit and said quite loudly, “Why can’t you accept the fact that God only wants men to be priests!” And in my unequivocal way, I responded: “Oh, so you have a direct line to the Holy Spirit, do you?” He was disgusted and left the group. I tell this story because I have always felt it is important for girls/women to know that they should follow their calling wherever it takes them, regardless of the opposition others may have to that calling. I fear the tide is turning, though, toward greater opposition to this idea.

I also wrote a paper in graduate school about the obstacles women leaders face by attacks against their characters, often times sexual or intellectual as a mechanism to render their words, actions and relevance null and void. I remember how difficult the meeting with my professor was, not wanting to acknowledge what I thought was well documented paper. He believed it biased because I had way more women in my bibliography than men. I did question whether he compared the gender equality of all bibliographies, and he just got mad, which was stupid of me to say because he gave me a C. I don’t think he quite understood me, so he was surprised when I picked him for one of my panelists when defending my thesis. I won’t go into why, but afterward he went back and changed my grade from a C to an A. I believed, back then anyway, that if I could present something in more of a three dimensional way, perhaps a more female orientation then everyone’s perspective is broadened. In this case I believe I was successful. When I use the past tense in the aforementioned story when I say “back then”, it really means that more people than not used to be open to a greater truth, and new ways of seeing things. (of course many don’t, but there is nothing I can do about those kinds of people). Today, I don’t feel that way anymore.

Lets go back then. Late in his second term, Bill Clinton was impeached for an improper relationship with an intern. I think the outrage went across the aisle on this situation and he was rightly tried. Now, we have a president elect who, by a court of law, by a jury of his peers is found guilty of being a sexual predator (this was a civil, not criminal trial so he is not a sexual offender…legally anyway). Whether you believe it fair or not, his behavior like Clinton’s was established and proven legally. And yet, and these are the posts that gross me out most on social media, are the allegations that Kamala Harris slept her way to the top, which can be factually, on the record dispelled, but still believed because she was deemed not smart enough or qualified to get there on her own. It literally took me seconds to fact check the veracity of those allegations. The generalization here is that men get away with shit, even when they are actually guilty of it, and woman are metaphorically stoned or burned, even when they are not.

There are plenty of places in Christian Scripture where Jesus pushed back against the status quo when men test him on the treatment of women. One important time was when a mob brought a woman caught in adultery (so the mob says) to him in John 8: 3-11

Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say? “They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you? She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, (and) from now on do not sin any more.”

The interesting thing in this dynamic is that the man involved in the adulterous situation is nowhere to be seen. I am fully aware of the law at that time, and that women were considered no more than chattel, or property. Jesus, however, did not see her or other women that way. As a matter of fact, time after time Jesus helped and stood for women even when, by all cultural and temple standards, he should not have.

So, here we are. I expect there will be more character assassinations of women, people of color and sexual orientation who will be vilified and have their character questioned whenever their voices, qualities and callings make people in the status quo uncomfortable. In an age where facts just don’t matter as much as self righteous indignation and moral finger pointing (and yes, I am aware it happens on both sides) it does become more difficult to duck stones that come flying at my head. The hope for me comes when the woman walks away from Jesus, free from her accusers condemnation and Jesus saying “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life”

Hope and Rendering to Caesar

As I was praying yesterday, I was upset at the state of the world at present and this Scripture verse in the Christian New Testament came to mind:

Then the Pharisees went off and plotted how they might entrap him (Jesus) in speech. They sent their disciples to him, with the Herodians, saying, “Teacher, we know that you are a truthful man and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. And you are not concerned with anyone’s opinion, for you do not regard a person’s status. Tell us, then, what is your opinion: Is it lawful to pay the census tax to Caesar or not?” Knowing their malice, Jesus said, “Why are you testing me, you hypocrites? Show me the coin that pays the census tax.” Then they handed him the Roman coin. He said to them, “Whose image is this and whose inscription?” They replied, “Caesar’s.” At that he said to them, “Then repay to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and to God what belongs to God.” When they heard this they were amazed, and leaving him they went away. Matthew 22: 16-22

Further down in that chapter, they test him again:

When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one of them [a scholar of the law] tested him by asking, “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” He said to him, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments. Matthew: 22 34-40

Among the multitude of reasons I was upset about the election Tuesday, was the visceral reaction I had to many in our country that have skewed the line between what belongs to Caesar and what belongs to God. I too, like many, said my prayers about the election, but they were directed to God to help us provide a safe and fair one, and I felt glad that my prayers were answered. But thinking that God somehow answered a prayer by delivering the “appropriate” candidate is, in my mind anyway, the most gross hubris of all. I found all the posts, memes and words about answered prayers vulgar and idolatrous. I won’t apologize for that sentiment, because I said the same thing after the last election. Human beings elected a human being that more reflected what their personal desires represent, and not Gods. If you are under the misguided belief God delivered your candidate, and that somehow makes you a better American or person of God, then you are delusional and disavowing what Jesus claims are the two greatest commandments. And for the record? I love God as much as you do…and this country. Winning or losing an election doesn’t change that. We just have very different philosophies on how it should be run. Because I don’t like the president elect doesn’t make me your enemy, I am your neighbor and you are mine. I will never let one man’s hatred misdirect my love for God and neighbor, because love will always come first.

I also feel compelled to add another cavoite that underlined my frustration, with those who are so concerned about the economy and money as the reason they voted as they did. Jesus told his followers a parable about a rich man who compiled and hoarded his riches so he could eat, drink and be merry for years, but then God told the rich man that this night would be his last night, and what good would his riches be then. Jesus responded to the disciples:

Thus will it be for the one who stores up treasure for themselves but are not rich in what matters to God.” He said to (his) disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds! Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan? If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest? Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? As for you, do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore. All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides. Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your belongings and give alms. Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.

I fully understand how hard times are right now, as a health clinic who fought their way through COVID only to struggle again because of Steve’s accident, and health challenges of my own, I live with struggles everyday enough to empathize with all those whose struggles weigh them down too, and often are far weightier than mine. However, in hindsight, just like Jesus taught, I do make it through one day at a time, and are so very thankful my treasures lie in family (biological and created), friends and patients who exercise love for neighbor every day and a God who augments my fragile human heart in every breath.

I don’t mean to infer that we simply twiddle our thumbs and allow the world to just roll on. I won’t do that. I will continue to demand, in my own way, that the whole American body of which I am a small part be served, and that laws, and structures of this great American experiment continue to ensure that this country evolves as we approach the future, and that the pursuit of freedom and happiness continues for all.

Hope and Forgiveness

I know many minds are made up and I really get it…but when I heard Mr. Trump say that he would be women’s protector whether they liked it or not, and also had Brett Farve ( who is being investigated for welfare fraud in the tune of 77 million dollars and was fined by the NFL 160,000 for not cooperating in sexting scandal) speak at his rally, I thought it pertinent to add my perspective on the matter, because there is always potential for gaining insight for the future. I’ve been up against a patriarchy a time or two in my lifetime and career and have met plenty of men who thought it was their duty to act on my behalf (in this I’m not including my father or my husband, because it just makes sense that they embraced that duty, not because I’m incompetent, but because they had my back). The men I’m speaking about were varied, some turned out to be sexual predators legally named, employees who left in disgrace after spreading lies, and some were brilliant men who did not see me or hear me because I was a woman. Before you label me someone who has a bias against men…I don’t. I married one, and raised two amazing men. I’m only speaking about the men who crossed my path that thought by divine right, whether it be by nature or God, that as a women I was somehow subservient to them and should have limited or no access to roles that are afforded to men. I thought long and hard about revealing the actual stories, but I came to realize that those experiences were for me and my evolution and not anyone else’s validation. Because in truth, whether or not you believe me is immaterial at this point, because the most powerful thing I learned from all my experiences is that I don’t need anyone’s approval, understanding or endorsement of my life struggles, especially if it is the truth, and I benefited from the experience end of story.

But what I will tell you what I learned early on in my career is that I had to be better, smarter and more moral (I worked in ministry) than any of my counterparts because of my vulnerabilities…I was attractive, smart, driven and ambitious. I was also tired of the often authoritarian and draconian holds on ministry, and often fought to my detriment to move the needle forward, importantly, because I knew the high regard Jesus had of the women in his life, and amazingly, he let them make their own choices (the Samaritan woman at the well, Mary, Martha’s sister, the woman caught in adultery etc). This is not to say that I never made mistakes, because obviously I have…but I learned pretty quickly that the vast majority of those in the patriarchy I worked for had no fucking clue what was best for me, or even bothered to ask.

Back in 1973 when the Roe decision came down, I wore a bracelet reminding me to pray everyday for those unborn babies. I was 13 years old at the time, and was at the beginning of my relationship with my God. I wore it until it broke one day, and I take that as a symbol that as I matured and grew to understand more about the world, I realized the Roe decision was more about controlling women than it was to protect life. If you check all the statistics and equitable changes for women, it supports that conclusion. For example, in 1974, the Equal Credit Opportunity Act was passed where woman FOR THE FIRST TIME in history could get a bank account, credit card and loans, and housing and mortgages in their own name without their father or husband’s name or approval. I also learned that the Roe decision drastically improved maternal mortality for women and improved women’s health in general. More importantly it led me to embrace the firm belief that while I still held life in the womb as sacred, it would never be in the best interests of any woman to put her life in the hands of the government, or men who had no place making such a personal decision in a woman’s life. I’ve come to know plenty of women who were put in a horrible place of getting an abortion, and not one of them was cavalier about it or used it for birth control.

For me, I simply made the decision to wait until I was in my forever relationship to have sex. Regardless of how the world had grown to accept sex before marriage in the eighties and nineties, I knew that I was held to a different standard. Let me tell you it was a deal breaker for most of the men I dated. But as I said I was ambitious, and felt called to my ministry and did what was necessary to not only stand for my beliefs, but act in a way that no one could use said behavior, regardless of whether or not that behavior was acceptable pretty much everywhere else against me. The tragedy, though, was that often time perception is reality, and my commitment to “purity” didn’t matter to the people who wanted my silence, or try to force me to behave in a way that I felt was improper or simply just not like me. People believe what they believe and often take great pleasure in spreading lies and innuendo, but I still knew the truth. So when I hear someone like Donald Trump, a convicted sex offender tell the world he will protect women whether they like it or not, I feel sick to my stomach, and I call bullshit…because ladies? I can’t tell you how many of those same kind of men told me the same thing and were more concerned with “changing my mind” or controlling me.

So why did I entitle this piece, Hope and Forgiveness? Because in order for me and many women to move forward and trust their own strength again, forgiveness is an essential ingredient in moving forward towards a more hopeful future. Jesus said that we must forgive in order to be forgiven, seven times seventy, he said. I truly believe that is because when you hold onto transgressions committed against you, they eat you alive, and limit your power and ability to use your gifts to spread good ripples out into the world. I forgave my transgressors a long time ago, and it is freeing and strengthening experience. I also believe forgiveness is essential in standing strong and presenting a more loving society to our children for the future where we work to protect each other.

Hope and Blame

God I’m tired of it…all the lies, and the blame. In Jesus’ time it was the lepers, the prostitutes, the poor, all of them deemed “unclean”. Today, the list of those targeted as unclean is even longer because our access to information is so much more widespread, and with that comes an even deeper vitriol, because we can hate them from afar in perfect anonymity. It appears that as people of faith we have not yet mastered the basic tenets of behavior required of us. “Judge not, lest ye be judged”, Jesus said, “Why do you notice the splinter in your brother or sister’s eye, but do not perceive the beam in your own eye” he said. “Amen I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me” he said. “I will tell you, on the day of judgement people will render an account for every careless word they speak. By your words you will be acquitted and by your words you will be condemned” he said. And most importantly? Jesus said: “you shall love your neighbor as yourself” And when asked who our neighbor is, he told them the parable of the good Samaritan, which briefly is a story about a victim of a robbery who is passed by those who hold high rank and esteem in society, and yet it is one of the unclean of the time who helps him. When asked who the “neighbor” was in this story, Jesus replied, “the one who treated him with mercy”

So I think there is a pretty clear expectation of how we are supposed to respond to each other as people of faith in this time. More importantly, the behavior I described above is foundational for anyone in a leadership role, and not just in a religious sense. Empathy, careful choice of words, discerning judgement, objectivity and most importantly mercy is what I am looking for in my future leaders…not those who lie and blame others for our difficulties. The quality of character should be forefront in moving forward in choosing who to lead. Checking the veracity of the plethora of nasty tropes out there isn’t that hard, even a child can google. And if you choose to stay in your bubble or go down a rabbit hole because it appeases your bias, your own personal algorithm that is your choice. But, and this is a big one for people of faith…the one thing highlighted and despised by the most of the religions of the world….HYPOCRISY. Read Matthew 23 in the Christian gospel just to see how much Jesus despised it

I would think this would be obvious to people, but the level of growing rage against those who are different, or lesser than, renders me speechless. The hope moving forward, for me anyway, lies in letting go of blame, and embracing those who better emulate those qualities taught to me, mercy, compassion, truth and loving my neighbor.

Just Plain Hope

As my pic, I chose a work in progress of Kamala Harris…one that I haven’t and probably won’t share on other social media sites (except for maybe the campaign…as a donation). Why? because I am so tired of the nastiness of the behavior for having the audacity to choose a side, and her ticket gives me hope, and a reprieve from all the name-calling, mistruths and fear mongering from the other side. Of course, we live in troubled times, BUT I think there is a responsible and hopeful way to go about change…change which will be frustrating for EVERYONE, because it means that no one will get everything that they want, and compromise is hard but necessary moving toward the future. And, I fear that those who don’t want change, have the misguided belief that their candidate can stop it from happening. Change is inevitable, evolution, however, is not. Evolution is never easy, because it means adapting to new circumstances, something many are too uncomfortable with. An underlying belief that I hold is that those who refuse to move forward and adapt, ,will simply never evolve, and their “fig tree” (an allusion to the gospel) will wither and die without bearing fruit. Hope in all people and things, and for me, God as a reliant support is rooted in my ability to continue to bear good fruit.

More importantly, for me anyway, I have recognized my personal bias at this point in history. I am tired of the misogyny prevalent today that somehow infers that woman are incapable of not only determining their own lives, but creating a better way forward for everyone than men do. I also believe that a man who has no ability to own up to, and suffer the consequences of his own behavior and chooses to instead vilify others, women, minority groups and any and all who disagree with him is not equipped to move us into a better future.

Kamala and Tim and their whole campaign gives me hope…not because they are perfect, but because they are willing to move ahead and adapt to a wildly changing future all within all the altruism that has kept this American experiment moving and adapting into the future.

Hope in Hand

More than ever, we live in a time where we have limited or no control over how people ingest information. Also more than ever, we have so many unknown sources whose soul purpose is to confuse, conflate and corrupt information for nefarious purposes. I know I sound paranoid, but as a daughter of an English teacher who demanded that when writing a research paper, I had better have at least three or four credible sources in my bibliography to support a quote or text, or I COULD NOT include it into my paper. I remember being on the end of his chastisement when I tried to sneak some things into a paper I wrote on Moby Dick, (and as a sophomore, I felt I should of at least had acknowledgement that I read the damn book when everyone else read the cliff notes). I still hear him in my head when I digest all that is going on in the world, but that is just me. I realize not a lot of people think like I do.

So then, where do we go? I have decided to continue to move forward with hope in hand, and spread the joy of that hope outward. I may not be able to change one single mind, and I guess I am coming to peace with that. However, I will continue to press forward for truth, accuracy and celebrate the good people I interact with every day. I will continue to send out good ripples, whether it is through art, kindness or the myriad of ways I interact with people everyday, and if I am judged, or misconstrued, I will be content that I have no control over that, but it is with joy that I put things out into the world.

I am calmer than I have been in a long time because I have left the burden of trying to explain, justify, or convince someone of my motivation, especially for those who either don’t really know me, or don’t really want to…its just too hard. So I move forward, checking my sources and my own motivation and breathe so much more calmly than I have lately and feel greater hope expressed in the world.

Living in Hope

Already there is a frenzy of media activity after yesterday’s tragic assassination attempt of Mr. Trump. I was, as in any violent attempt on a life, horrified, saddened and oh so very tired of it all. To say we are simply a divided country is probably the biggest understatement of, well, ever. I have already heard cries of vilification of the left as a mechanism of evil that justifies blame and hatred, (as I also heard vilification of the right, when Mr. Pelosi was attacked in his home). I have heard claims of God singly protecting Mr. Trump as validation of why he should win the presidency. What does it say to those who have fallen victim to gun violence and not survived? Does God love them any less because they did not survive and a murderer was successful? Are you really saying that God circumvented our free will in this one instance? So I offer a word of caution and care as we move forward in such troubled times. I am aware of callous comments made in other gun violence situations, for example, Sandy Hook elementary and Margery Stoneman Douglas Highschool being called a hoax, or a mechanism to impede second amendment rights, or the difficulty the Uvalde school community finding answers when that tragedy happened. There are too many examples of tragic deaths by guns to count. Violence is never good, why can’t we all at simply agree on that. We are a country with a rage problem. And, especially my fellow Americans, it is never someone else’s problem, especially if further rhetoric is used as a mechanism to root ourselves deeper into personal bias…then we do share the blame. Gun violence has become too prevalent lately as an expression of the deep anger, blame and hatred of the “other” in our lives, and it is with courage and strength of character that we must move forward, together to face the great divide that exists between all of us . We have to be able to talk reasonably about the violence issue in this country.

Being hopeful does not mean that one side only deserves to “win”, whether its an argument or an election, it can’t. Living in hope, means that we first put to practice the tenets of what this country is founded upon, that ALL PEOPLE are created equal and deserve a life of liberty and happiness. Secondly, as people of faith, or simply as a representation of thousands of years of developed civilized behavior, we must live according to those principles and work out our differences without the incivility, judgement and corruption that plagues us. As an ordinary woman, I may not make much of a ripple, but I do know when I act in a way that works against my principles, I am to blame for the wave of energy that moves outward and feel horrible for it. That isn’t to say that we can’t be angry about what is going on in our world, but it is the “how” we put that energy into action that counts. Living in hope means that even amidst all the turmoil we can all radiate hope for a greater future. We all have the necessary skills to do so, it just takes discipline and commitment to move forward together, and also believe in and fight for justice and the greater good, while still holding those accountable for actions taken against those principles. America has risen up from division before, and I will live in the hope we can do it again.

Prayers for You on My Birthday

Today is a monumental milestone in this year for me around the sun as I turn 65. The number means less to me than government health coverage, but it also stands as an indicator of the amount I’ve experienced and learned over the years. This year my prayers for you involve hope. While the hope I pray for may be limited to my understanding of it, I pray I do you justice during these often troubled times and that the gesture itself brings you hope.

I pray for an association of trusted and loving individuals to surround and embrace you, ones that will emboldened you to share the unique gift that you are to the world. When we are at our best, the world shines brighter and encourages all you interact with. Never underestimate the power of a ripple.

I pray that you love unrestricted by a form and function so narrowly restricted by society, and that the power of that unrestricted love brings you hope. Love should never be defined by, and limited to societies’ comfort or ease, for true love is stronger than death and should shatter all who would try to limit its power by their faulty and fearful judgments. Love is the opposite of fear:


Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became an adult, I put aside childish things. At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I pray in any an all moments of trial and hopelessness, that you may know that God answers all prayers asked in goodness, and that with hope, faith and love all things are possible, even if it may not seem so at the time. Our sole perspective can be so limited to the small creatures that we are, but when connected to something greater, even a mountain can be moved.

I pray that your hope does not lie in retribution, lies, judgement and punishment for what you believe is wrong in the world, these are the true weapons of the dark. While fighting for justice, it is truth that will set us free, as well as doing what is right, loving goodness and walking humbly with God.

I pray that hope supersedes all the weights that inhibit your movement into the future whatever the challenges you experience, and that its guiding light can bring you the growing peace that you are never alone in this world, because with God, all things are possible. You are stronger than you know, rely on the gifts you have been given.

I pray that you know the world needs all of us right now. Never fall into the faulty belief that one voice does not matter. We are all of consequence and the world needs your voice. We are are challenged to nurture and bear fruit for the world we live in. Jesus condemned the fig tree that did not bear fruit. Keeping your voice to yourself is like a tree refusing to bear fruit. You were given a talent for a reason…use it.

Mostly, I pray and hope for fulfilling all of the above so we may all work together as parts of a greater whole, each doing our part to bring all our hopes to fruition.

Hope and the Movie in my Head

A priest once told me that the movie in my head was better than the real thing and I was setting myself up for disappointment. I was decidedly angry about that and was set for a long time on proving him wrong…who was he to insult my imagination and desire for world change? I worked really hard throughout my lifetime and career to bring the movie in my head to fruition. Looking back, I am amazed at some of the things I attempted and all of the things I learned along the way. While I will always be thankful to my younger self’s energy, enthusiasm and commitment to a better world, change is hard, so if I’m being honest I was and still am disappointed in reality much of the time. But I still lean on the movie in my head as a mechanism to push for a better world, even if it’s scaled down quite a bit.

It’s humbling, as I got older, to realize that I was never going to be the mover and shaker I had always envisioned myself to be, but I still try to embrace the hope in a brighter future that motivated my every action when I was younger when the whole world was at my feet. And, while most of my disappointments were the result of my own failures, there was still quite a chunk of it that was the result of running up against those along the way who were more apt to be threatened by the movie in my head, which more resembled the necessity of a kaleidoscope of people and personalities (without prestige or power) that make the world a better place. I don’t care much for people in authority who feel entitled to force their “movie” onto everyone else, simply because somehow a public office, a pulpit or media forum made us think them superior because their presence saturates the airwaves we are exposed to. Repeating a message over and over so people know it by heart doesn’t make it a true or good one. But the affects of repeating a message over and over does effect how we live out the movie in our own heads, especially for those who claim a higher authority for said message, regardless if it a good one or not.

The sheer volume of information, stories, movies etc. out there demand that care must be taken before we allow another’s movie or vision to change and alter our own. I question the veracity of everything now, having fallen victim to those whom have tried to limit or thrash the movie in my head for their own selfish purposes. I would never want to do that to another person, which is why I am committed to continue to make hope the central theme for the movie in my head. Jesus once told his disciples that the Kingdom of Heaven is within…I take him at his word and it is where my hope lies…inside my head.

When Hope Wavers

I’d be a liar to say I’m hopeful all of the time, or even most of the time, these days. Even Jesus, though, felt hope wavering at times, whether it’s trying to explain something difficult to his disciples or just before his arrest in the garden begging his friends to stay awake with him, or when Judas betrayed him, his trial, and then his crucifixion. It’s weird to take solace in that, but it helps me. How does the world take something or someone inherently good and flip reality on its head to turn it into something bad? I don’t know, but I see it happen every day…and its getting harder to understand why. More impactfully, I am saying out loud that many people don’t really want to see the truth of a thing at all, especially if it would include the admission that they were completely wrong in their assumptions, that the real truth of something is beyond their limited comprehension (which truthfully, is a kind way of saying they are at best lazy and in the least just stupid), and the shift that they would have to make moving forward is just too hard and uncomfortable.

Understanding truth as multidimensional concept means that since I have a singular perspective, I cannot possibly comprehend it fully without help. I think that is why Jesus said that we will be judged by the same measure we judge others. In hindsight, I have learned in so many situations that just when I think I see something clearly, something else will occur to show me that I really don’t, that truth is more complicated and expansive than what I think I know in the moment. And that is a good thing, it is the way I want, no I need my continued evolution and appreciation for truth to be. For while evolution is one thing, arrogance is quite another. When it comes to truth, I think being evolved and arrogant cancel each other out. The most hopeless moments I’ve had recently is encountering persons who are so rooted in a one or two dimensional assessment of a person, an idea, or an event that could be easily broadened, clarified or even dispelled by the easiest of effort to more fully understand but won’t because it feels too good to be on the “right” side of things whatever that means.

And I know this will offend many, but I understand those moments of despair Jesus must have felt at his betrayal in the end, the obvious truths stamped down because those in power feared him, because there is some rush in being part of a angry mob, an excuse to remove the Son of Man who demanded a more loving, truthful and graceful way of life. Exponentially the “graceful way of life” freely given as a result of his sacrifice to any and all who ask, even the flawed humans who put him to death. But its the next phase forward that has dashed much of my hope these days…its the people who say they have embraced the grace of that sacrifice and name themselves as “Christians” but do not treat the least of those of us as if they were Christ, or do not use actions instead of words to let the world know they are Christian by how they love on another, or do not celebrate the talents and gifts of all God’s creation (and as explained in letter to Corinthians, the gifts of the Spirit, are all different) to become a fully functioning body of Christ. There is no less corruption of power, hierarchy , exclusivity within the church today, than there was two thousand years ago.

So, has the world we know really shifted as a result of the resurrection? I only know for sure that my world has transformed…I am who I am because of my faith, and I have been graced by gifts of the Spirit of that faith. And yet, my hope still wains sometimes, what do I do? In the simplest imperfect way, become a point of grace and hope for another, and embrace those who do the same for me.

Hope and Shining your Light

Yah, this hope thing can be tricky, because I certainly don’t want to sound saccharine, and quote a bunch of pithy stuff. I, like many people are struggling with the concept of true hope in an often corrupt world, especially in regard to root beliefs that have been held for a very long time. When I look out into the world, I fully admit, that I wonder what the hell people have been consuming (and not just drugs or alcohol) to believe some of the literal shit that is out there. Does anyone recognize truth anymore? Have we completely lost the ability to think critically or see truth beyond our own personal bias and desires to the point of harboring pure delusions just so we don’t have to shift our thinking? Are the people running the show actually the best out there to lead us down that straight and narrow road? (not just political, but religious, scientific and anybody else who purports to be an influence ). ANY PERSON OF INFLUENCE who rages on about the corruption of others, who utilizes a false narrative to create fear over potential, clouds judgement over the truth of a situation clearly, only complains and never offers solutions, and most of all, perpetuate hatred over love…just needs to shut the hell up. As you can see, my sense of hope has become a bit damaged.

I guess my next question is this: How do we get our hope back. That my friends, has been my greatest challenge. It isn’t enough to simply believe in and embrace hope in my soul…that is like keeping my light hidden under a bushel basket. There has to be a way, where all of us commit to unsheathe the gifts we have been given and expose them to the world, so that we can not only change it for the better, but to stand against the fear mongers, haters and hypocrites who are sucking the intelligence and clear sightedness out of our collective human consciousness. Now I get that anyone can use a gift for nefarious purposes…I think we’ve seen plenty of that already. We can only be responsible for what is within our own selves, and we have to be willing to never let fear become an element of that equation. I can only be responsible for how I share, and for me that is with kindness, love, intelligence and generosity. I also know that how others respond to the gifts I bring to the table is beyond my control, but as long as I share my gifts truthfully, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks. I say this not to avoid criticism others may have, but more as a reaction to the all too easy negation of a person’s gifts through judgment and bullying. I am specifically saddened by the increase of negativity on social media, and the level of suicide that results.

Building back hope doesn’t begin with the movers and the shakers of the world, but with individuals we engage with every day. What can I do to help elicit the beauty that lies within each and every individual? That’s where we start.

Hope in things that are

Sometimes its easy for me to get caught up in the hope of things to come, pushing energy into future dreams, prayers, desires, that I forget to stop and remember that in order to move successfully into a hopeful future, I have to recognize the hope that exists in the present, if I take the effort to look for it. It’s been a tough time for me, as it has been for many. Looking back, though, my path forward would have looked very different had I succumbed to the difficulties life seems to present on a daily basis, (the death of a thousand cuts, as I call it). I don’t get hung up on comparing woes with anyone, mine are distinctly that, mine…but I do offer some simple advice to those in the throes of difficulty: take a moment each day to highlight the hopeful moments that occur, and some of the weight falls away. I think its part of creating necessary pathways in the brain to create a more positive perspective on what ever appears to be challenging at the time.

In hindsight, sometimes the greatest difficulties present great opportunities, the struggles of COVID became an opportunity for me to become an artist, an ability I never knew I had. My limiting biomechanics became an opportunity to be still and embrace the more contemplative side I craved as a young woman. Going down those paths, help keep me focused on the possibilities of future paths, if I keep focusing on the hope that exists in the present.

Hope

Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and said, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.”

This is one of the phrases of scripture that many “Christians” don’t pay enough attention to. I put the word in quotes because in many ways I don’t even recognize the essence of Jesus in many churches who claim him as their guiding principle in today’s world. Traditional power structures such as wealth, control and authoritarianism that has corrupted many “religious structures” often weighs me down until I realize the “saving” power they offer their flock is like the camel squeezing through the eye of a needle, because it is rooted in human frailty of elitism, comfort and wealth not God. They are no better than carnival barkers who offer the perfect cure with little effort on the part of one who consumes it, except the belief that somehow by being a part of an elitist club, (where only “they” are correct and righteous) that they have secured their space in heaven. They should spend more time listening to the gospel message, itself, especially when the above story concludes with:


And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands for the sake of my name will receive a hundred times more, and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first.

So my focus this year isn’t a condemnation of the rich, or too many indulgences at Christmas time or the prestige that comes along with being connected to the perfect church. party or demagog…it is the hope that for God, all things are possible, and that all prayers, asked in goodness and faith will be answered. Moving forward with faith, hope and love is my greatest power. Even in today’s challenging circumstances, I pray today that the power of hope guides and encourages you in this year’s journey around the sun.