Tag: unequivocal love

Weathering Turbulence

The above is a painting I’m working on which calms me a great deal while I forge ahead with building and sharing my gifts. I’ve placed some of my jewelry in a local boutique, and am finalizing details of the installation of my paintings in the public library during the month of July…both of which while great, still make me a little sick to my stomach.

Not that I believed living on a higher plane would be smooth sailing, or a simple exercise in mastering my sea legs…but I didn’t expect this kind of turbulence, especially the kind that nobody else can see, but those who choose to live on a higher plane. I hated writing that last sentence, because it sounds so pretentious, but really, its the opposite. The turbulence comes from the interactions and situations I am presented with, where I can’t unknow what I know now and am forced to choose between the person I was, or the person that I am in the moment, or the person who, in continuous evolution, I really desire to become, meaning every movement forward is a conscious choice between who I am going to be in that exact moment. I’m exhausted, and yet determined to never go backwards…so far, so good (except when I’m alone and I spill or break shit and swear like a sailor…that hasn’t changed). I’m not talking about the overthinking that I sometimes get trapped in…it is those obvious moments where I instinctively know there is a choice to make. The evolution also hasn’t been without help. I’ve had enough smacks on the head from God over my lifetime to remind me to ask for Love’s help when I need it, or to reach out to those I trust to ask for help too, and I’m getting better at it.

I was in a particular unsettling situation recently, ( for me anyway) when I needed a reminder that I was indeed a good person, who does good things, and has made a difference for good in my own way. So being aware that I was in a vulnerable place and didn’t want to backslide, or just coast through, I asked God for a little validation in the physical world from my trajectories, and it came…but not from where I thought it would. I recognized one of my old students at this social gathering, (I had to look him up on Facebook to make sure I didn’t embarrass myself, and it was him) I approached him and said Hello, and it was wonderful! It’s nice to not only be remembered, but to be remembered so fondly and then be introduced as his mentor, and have him share with me how much I have helped him in his life, especially with his faith, well, it made my heart full, and that one validation circumvented those who didn’t. It felt fortuitous that our paths crossed in the way it did and I am thankful to God for that. Accepting that we are all works in progress, evolving at our own pace is what I needed to be reminded of in that moment so I could learn to better deal with any turbulence that comes my way in the future, as well as be supportive of others during their turbulent times. It takes practice to be vulnerable and ask for help, and not look at it like its a weakness, because needing help is a simple facet of being human, and the quicker we all understand and embrace that notion, the quicker we can all evolve forward.

I told someone recently that everyone needs a place where they can feel safe to get all messy and emotional as we work through leaving our past selves behind and not be judged or rejected for it. It’s certainly what I want from those I choose to love, and expect from those who choose to love me. Regardless of my whirling dervish nature, I am worthy of that kind of safety as are those whom I have tamed, not only in the physical world, but the spiritual world as well, because we are forever responsible for those we tame, and also because that is what unequivocal love looks like in my book and it is the only way we keep moving forward together.

Before the Storm

I’m on my way to see my mother for the first time since she was placed in memory care. The above picture is full of trepidation, sleep deprivation and my last look in case I don’t make it out alive…Even though I feel pretty calm and almost resigned, it’s crazy the level of fear that she inspired in me my whole life, the remnants of which still lie deep beneath the surface and in the last 24 hours have come out sideways. I simply don’t understand the tendency for people to shut down, pull away or a host of other responses when someone goes to great lengths to give them their love, without reservation or strings. I guess, I will never understand it and I have chosen to love anyway…and not just in this instance, or with this person. I won’t ever be one who allows someone else to determine how I move forward, I’ve come too far, regardless of how confusing and awkward it may feel.. Anyway…pray for me.

So…I think the prayers worked, and I dodged a bullet. While I was meeting with my sister and talking about how to navigate the visit if things went awry, the nurse at my mother’s facility called and because of an incident, I couldn’t visit her (and for my safety). Obviously, while it was fortuitous that she called, I was frustrated and sad (hence the post pic, after some tears and a bit of comfort). I know I look like shit, so don’t judge. Gonna lose myself in a new painting I’m starting and sending her soul some love.

The Secret of Success

So between a shit show and shining success…that is the attitude of what yesterday and today felt like, to which I write with a quick deviation from instruction on learning to live on a higher plane, because I’m not all too sure that what I feel at the moment is actually representative of living on a higher plane. To start, the day of the move to memory care ( and the day of my show) was laden with anxiety, mostly for my sisters who were on site, directing the move right under my mother’s nose (first time I’ve name her as THE family member), and me not being present, because I had committed to participate in an art show, feeling powerless to help in any way. At about an hour before I was done with my first day showing and selling my art, I started getting emergency phone calls dispatched from my mother’s life link button she wears around her neck. I spent the last portion of the show walking back in forth in the parking lot desperately trying to, and and delicately explaining to this company not to dispatch the emergency crew because she was safe at her new memory care facility, and was just unhappy with her circumstances. Finally, in a hysterical laughing, crying way…I just had to tell the truth, that my mother would continue to push this button because it was “her means” to call her husband, Elon Musk to whom he had given her full responsibility to distribute his money, to come and get her. I could hear silence on the other end, and then a choking voice (I knew she was covering up her laughter) that she would transfer me to her supervisor. Once connected, the same funny noise came, when she read the explanation of her underling, and I had to interject and say out loud, that yes, I knew it was crazy, and yes, it was it was ok to laugh…to which she let out the loudest guffaw I have ever heard. Her response: Mam, this is the singular best story I have ever heard in this job (most of the details, I did not share here). She closed the account and even gave me a refund. for the rest of the year…to which the full staff at her new place and my sisters now think I am a rock star (because the staff finally witnessed, first hand, the transformation that we, my siblings, all knew personally that was akin to the most frightening horror story character ever created). In this moment, and I know I’m not being kind and loving unequivocally and I’m OK with that, given how this ordeal unfolded, I am not sorry for it, I released a huge burden. And if God happens to give me a smack of karma, I’m ok with that too. The true heroes of this story are my sisters and the people that have to deal with her now. We all did the best we could for her to honor my dad’s promise and keep her safe, and now realize she has made her bed and well….enough said.

The other side of the last two days is the pride I felt when so many people were amazed and impressed with my art. I received an invitation to display some of my pieces at the new libraries’ artists gallery wall this summer and also met a wonderful gallery owner who is excited to what we can do in the future. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I felt pride at my ability to squelch the fear that started to rise up when I accepted the invitation at the library and also when I told the other gallery owner I would be proud to have her present one or more of my pieces in her space. There was also an artist who saw the piece I did called, “A portrait of an artist at rest” (Wang Yibo), and said that it reminded him of one of Rembrandt’s techniques regarding shading and depth. I absolutely had no fucking idea what he was talking about, and also didn’t tell him that I just acted by the seat of my pants, and simply thought that if I added an iridescent paint to the black it would give the appearance of a velvet background….which means that I guess that the attempt was successful…and even though I didn’t have a clue about anything else that came out of his mouth. I just smiled, like Mona Lisa and shook my head in the affirmative. Also, both my brother, (who came in from Florida) and my youngest sister came up to see me, in leu of seeing my mother and I was so shocked and pleased because my brother had never seen my art in person before. So, as far as I’m concerned at the moment, I am happy that I stood on my own two feet and weathered both storms…my mother and my own fear of success. I still have one more day to show tomorrow, but somehow I already feel like I’ve won and passed the test, because I know my mother is now safe, regardless of how angry she is…and I believe that am really good at what I do, end of story, which leaves me better equipped to live and love on a higher plane.

One quick epilogue that I am amending to this post…I added a picture of a little hedgehog who picked out a piece of jewelry…my favorite customer of the weekend. Also? I have conflicted feelings about a lot of the gushing about my work…often, I didn’t like it at all, because it felt like the focus was on the wrong thing and was often followed by words like I have no talent, or you are so lucky. I wanted them to be moved by the art, or feel encouraged to make their own or use their own gifts. Regardless of how many times I explained that I only started this a few years ago, and didn’t know what I was doing either, that if they felt a passion for it, they should just try. The important part is in the creation…because it changes the individual as well as the environment…most looked at me like I was nuts…and it made me feel sad. I am even more resolute to bring love into the world one piece of art at a time.

Success, the Within and the Without

The above is the first self portrait I did requested by my mentor early on…I updated it a bit, but still kept the rough edges of representing an early work…

I have been dreading this post…circumstantially, it has been physically (although my lungs are finally clearing from the crud), emotionally and materially overwhelming in every regard. And it was within this context that the subject of success, primarily my own, has been hammering in the forefront of my mind (and the incessant chattering of my spirit guide, which more than any other time lately, I even tried to convince myself was a function of my imagination…to no avail). I am a participant in a county wide art show coming up this weekend. That in and of itself is a challenge: finishing pieces, pricing, organization, presentation, packaging, setup utilizing all aspects of advertising and promotion offered to me, etcetera, etcetera all in the context of baring my soul to the general public, many who are perfect strangers, which I find deeply disconcerting. Also, at the same time, the moment came suddenly for “the move” to a safer space for a family member which, being the medical representative, demands my presence in a myriad of ways, from physically approving the space, to the myriad of checks, paperwork and meetings with medical professionals. The move, of course, happens over the same period of time as my show…which fucking sucks, especially since we can’t say anything to her until the last minute. I have to take time off work (the running of our clinic, which also takes a huge chunk of my time) this coming week to join with my sisters and healthcare representatives to break the news just prior to the move and it will not be pretty. Thankfully, I have amazing sisters who have generously given me permission to focus on the show during the actual move and they would do the dirty work, (my son Riley offered to help move the heavy stuff…love you for that, my bebe). They were all so excited to be present with me at this show, but now will sadly be otherwise occupied…leaving me to stand on my own two feet.

The other issue, which is a direct connection to what I described above, were the messages this person hammered into my head from as early as I could remember. Messages like: Don’t shine, you will make everyone else feel bad, Don’t stand out, Don’t be better than, Be quiet, Be invisible, You can’t do that, I won’t allow that, I won’t pay for that, Be this, don’t be that, Who do you think you are, You were built wrong, Respecting me means doing what I say, Being smart is good enough, don’t get greedy, You think you know so much, you’re so arrogant…etc. were axioms that took so much of my time and life to untangle that I was left not only with a skewed view of what my God given talents were, but how I was supposed to use them, actually, of how I am still supposed to use them. This is NOT in any way, shape or form, a mechanism for your pity, that is insulting to me, especially since there are so many others who have risen from more harsh circumstances than mine, It is, however, merely an explanation of how I ended up where I did. As in all our lives, some of the worst points of darkness, offer the greatest opportunities for uncovering a deeper and more beautiful light, and that is how I am trying, amidst great consternation, to look at it. But…as was made clear by all that has been ruminating in my mind and intuition, I still have some dismantling to do with some of the more pervasive messages, namely, it is perfectly acceptable to have been given many different kinds of gifts from God that may make me stand out ahead of the herd and it is time to stop running from them, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me feel right now. My focus must be on taking the “talents” I’ve been given, like the parable says, and make something of them. I have taken comfort in Teilhard’s definition of success: The slow work of God often involves passing through stages of instability, meaning success requires patience and faith in God’s ultimate plan rather than immediate and measurable results, and how well one acts according to God’s will and participates in the ongoing, creative work of the universe. True success is moving toward a greater awareness of a “higher” state of being where individual spirits converge and unite in love. I have also taken comfort in the words of scripture: love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love. Never. Fails.

I had a sudden and harsh realization amidst all the myriad of emotions this week, that I will never reach a higher state of being, or converge and unite in love unless I face my own fear and worthiness of success. While I cognitively know how capable I am, and talented…I do hide and am comfortable in anonymity, which, according to the parable is tantamount to burying my talents in the ground. (and the very reason this parable has always made me a little sick to my stomach). So, regardless of my natural inclination to be “supportive” rather than be in the lead…it is important, at this point anyway, to prove to myself and “her” that I can be and will be in the forefront of a creative movement, even if only momentary, and that is the lesson at this appointed time. Ironically, the circumstances of the moment only seem to serve as the exact incentive for to me to forge ahead. It is her messages that I bury in the ground, and not my talent…and doing so with just my own two hands and feet seem to be the appropriate way to do so.

Faith…A Summary

Generally, my last post on the yearly theme comes with a bit of relief, because most often having conquered what I believe was expected of me over the course of the year leaves me enough time to celebrate the season of light (I steer away from the word “Christmas” because of the commercialization of it). Not so, this year. If anything, I think there will be a continued onslaught of lessons until I find the rhythm necessary to move into or onto, not sure which is more accurate, a higher plane (next year’s theme). I’ve come to believe that understanding faith and building a strong foundation necessary to move forward on my journey as a whisperer and wielder of love more fully and accurately isn’t like learning a language…that once you know it, that’s it, you’re done. Faith and wielding love are more like walking on water, no two situations or initial conditions are the same, and you need to develop a spiritual proprioception to keep your balance. I think the spiritual vertigo I’ve experience this year is an apt description for all the ups and downs I’ve had on this journey, and it didn’t dawn on me until now that I was approaching these situations too concretely.

The essence, experience and unlimited nature of faith and love can’t be understood by restricted concrete and formulaic expressions but are more akin to water, the world of the unconscious or living beyond the limitations of human dimensions. Allowing faith and love, both of which are the source of my blueprint, my dance, practically demands that I “jump out of the boat”, as it were, where I can move without the restrictions of form and convention, that I suspend the limitations of human dimensions and embrace the divine. If I can’t do that, then all this talk about faith in the God of love means nothing at all, at least to me anyway. Recently, after a particular difficult crisis of faith and failure at wielding love, even though momentary, in hindsight I watched how easily I fell into bad habits, the details of which are immaterial except to say I have figured out that my own personal rhythm is so much stronger that I have ever given it credit, so that when I stopped allowing outside forces, for lack of a better term, to throw me off balance or drag me down, I did quickly pull myself together by taking a moment to breathe, remember, and hold onto firmly to everything I’ve learned this year and in doing that, I got my rhythm back.

Looking back in hindsight, like I’ve done after most themes, I never could have predicted how it would have unfolded. In all honesty, I think given where I started, and knowing what it would entail, I would have hid in a virtual cave…especially given all the “feeling” and “sharing” I had to do. And, because God’s imagination is so much better than ours and is always right, in my case anyway (and whether you think I’m crazy or not, also the presence and influence of my spirit guide) …I am not the same woman as I was last January, not by a landslide. In some ways I feel smaller, softer and more delicate than when I began, and in other ways I have become one fucking badass butterfly. I have worked incredibly hard at what I am weakest at, especially in a public forum, often hating the exposure, but it brought me to such great heights and broadened my viewpoint so much that I am incredibly grateful, and also proud, mostly because I think it has been some of the hardest work I’ve ever done and I rose to every challenge. My soul was cracked wide open, and it won’t be on mute anymore; the sound of my heart became more full and more melodic than ever before, because I learned to love unequivocally. The God of love made me just as I am, and in embracing that blueprint, I am looking forward to all the comes as a result.

I am thankful and humbled by all those established and new trajectories out there who have shown me love along the way. I pray for you always and know I love you and that you will never be alone. Because all things asked in goodness are granted: may the God of love protect you, give you hope, strength and courage, and help you celebrate the impact your beautiful blueprint will have on the world. You are a light to the world, and some, in particular, a light to mine.

Faith in Inspiration

So, this post may sound a bit esoteric but bear with me. I have found standing in the still point and being open to receive particularly frustrating and confusing, especially since what was “coming to me” felt like it originated somewhere else and didn’t belong to me…like I was a receptacle or something. I’m not saying that I felt like I was being a cosmic garbage can, but more specifically a receptacle for other’s energy that I could only sense once I was standing still, unmoving as it were. It felt like energy that came to me because I was the one that opened a conduit by sending out trajectories of love outward to help let other’s light and blueprints shine. Think of it like I explained how quantum theory changes the dynamic of knowing the placement of one molecule when measuring another because the probabilities of what that becomes change according to the mechanism of the tool of observation. I know that’s too heady, so suffice it to say, when I was asked to stand still and stop moving, there was energy there all around me, coming from the sources to whom I was projecting my prayers of love. I also wondered if that was why I had so many conflicting emotions and why I truly was all over the place. That, coupled with figuring out why exactly I was learning to embrace and understand all aspects of love, especially where I was weakest and whether or not I would move forward loving unequivocally, I think I have figured some things out.

OK, I took a break to go out and have supper (I really didn’t feel like cooking) and while I won’t go into specifics, my phone blew up and gave me the undeniable proof I needed that I was right on the mark with my above assessment. While I know I had to go through this on my own, (although it would have been nice to get a heads up from my spirit guide that I was on the right track) I will say this. I know I have been struggling with the whole God’s whisperer role, its purpose and practice…now I no longer feel that way. I compare it to facing a difficult challenge, and the moments of doubt that plague me right before I complete it, or get to the top, wondering whether or not all this struggle was worth it just to have that doubt obliterated when I actually do complete it…like getting to an ever higher mountain and my view is forever changed. I see how empowered I am as a result. You think I would know this by now, but in truth…every new challenge has pushed the envelope of usual convention so far, that it almost seems reasonable to doubt whether or not there actually is an envelope to push and I just made all this shit up. Thankfully, God came through and offered me an insight and reward that let me know I had fulfilled the challenges of embracing unequivocal love. BOOM!

From my small and simple place, a world away somewhere in a crowd, in a foreign place (a line from my new favorite song) I, God’s whisperer, and now muse…I send out to all those who come here for inspiration or are a simply a fellow sojourner on a path of evolving faith and love, an even more powerful prayer, because I now get why I needed to understand and embrace all manners of love and what it requires so I can wield it more effectively. I feel demonstrably different and I am physically a different person than when I began this year of faith. I am a more powerful source of energy and prayer for God because I asked to be, especially for those members of the body Christ who may need help and felt alone. As a result, I want to extend unequivocally to all of you who are working to express your beautiful blueprints in the manner that love requires of all of us and will become a light to the world, a prayer, that when you ask in goodness are promised by Christ that it will be given to you:

I pray, as promised by the Savior that all things asked in goodness shall be granted to me, that I will be unencumbered by doubt and fear as I utilize the gifts you have given me to spread my gift, my blueprint as light to the world and become a tool to defeat darkness, and that I can break through my own limitations, and like Peter did step out of the boat when Jesus said “come” and allow the power of all Jesus promised to bring hope to the world through the simple gifts you have given me. I pray that through my example that others too can celebrate their gifts and share them with the world, thereby strengthening the body of Christ and bringing forth the Kingdom of Heaven,

From my vantage point, I just want to let you know that you will never be alone, that I am praying for you always from a much more powerful position than when I began…that doesn’t mean I’m done with my journey, just this part of it (thank you Jesus, it almost killed me). I must say, too…that many of you have inspired me as well and forever changed the way I see a wheat field. I know I will never be the same, and I have you to thank for that. Ok, I have to stop before I dissolve into a blathering idiot. Peace and love to you.