Tag: darkness

Sitting in the Dark with No Control

The above photo is a picture of a black hole I got from the NASA website. I figured it was apropos for this post because I am going to get a bit esoteric, which makes me grossly uncomfortable. This may seem a bit counterintuitive, for a person like me, given my chosen path and all that is presented here. I am, however, a pragmatist at heart and never would have continued to devote myself to this journey, if along the way I found no empirical evidence for what I am proposing here: my continued belief that cosmic love can and will save us all. I have recorded, throughout the years, exploits of challenging constructs as well as facing my own challenges to the ideals and axioms that have become the foundation to me moving forward. While pretty comfortable after all this time with the belief that I am on the right track…it appears that another break through was in order regarding the fundamentals of my/our present reality. Mind you, this is exactly what I am praying for all the time, to be a spiritual explorer, ready to face the unknown and soar to greater heights and yeah, I know, after all this time I should know better that what I think I am praying for may turn me on my head…and it did.

After a particularly daunting day, where up is down and down is up…and nothing made sense, especially the new concepts that I am working to wrap my head around, a functioning Noosphere, and its applicable and empirical relationship to the physical world, I was completely spent. It’s still a bit too theoretical for me and I was really getting confused about what was illusory, and what was real leaving me to wonder, then, how I was supposed to apply uniting the “within” to the “without” of the physical world in a pragmatic way. What followed was the reminder that I spent an inordinate amount of time along this journey releasing ideas, rules, permissions that no longer served the information I was uncovering and discovering right now, and yet I got the distinct impression I was still holding onto to some of those antiquated ideas and behaviors. And perhaps because I needed a crash course, I believe I was intentionally plunged into a darkness so deep, that I have never felt, like ever, along with the clear message that I had absolutely no control in this situation except to utilize “the Noosphere” and reach out to love there who would have all the control. Usually the colors and interactions I experience in my mind’s eye are amazing, but instantaneously that was turned into silence and blackness. It was terrifying and my first thought was that I was doomed…which was devastating, especially perhaps, because I was afraid that my gut reaction was a truer reflection of what little faith I had in my own hypotheses, which just added to the awfulness of the situation. In the deep dark, I did try to breath and remember that I was exploring unknown territory here, a road never travelled (at least by me, anyway), so I said these words I remembered when studying world religions: “from the mud the lotus grows”. So, as much as possible in my mind/heart/soul I sunk into the mud and let love take control.

With all my senses closed off, The only solace I got in this immovable darkness was a whisper from my spirit guide to remember that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things…love never fails, so reach out with your heart to the love which you cannot see, but can feel, for until you relinquish control to the love that exists on this higher plane, you cannot move forward. The next 24 hours were, well, a new experience for me…and slowly the darkness dissipated into greyness then to whiteness. While I’m still not sure what it all means because the movement from dark to light didn’t present a picture of anything…I did feel and was moved forward by love. I know it wasn’t a figment of my imagination either because afterwards, I could tell that I functionally began to interact with the world differently because the change had come from the outside in. The details are personal, but I guess I was surprised to learn how much control I thought I needed in my life and the idea of losing it was terrifying but was also what kept me from moving forward. At this point I do believe that “control” is the biggest illusion of all. While it is true we do control how we respond to our own personal set of circumstances, the belief that we have control over them and the particulars of our future is folly…there are just too many initial and continuing conditions we face that obliterate that idea. I am reminded that God answers all prayers asked in goodness, and to trust that in every situation, even those where it appears that our prayers are falling on deaf ears, Love has all the information that we do not, and requires us to have faith our prayers are being answered, especially in these moments. Releasing my control and trusting in cosmic love has opened a new door to unknown territory and I take up the challenge to explore where it takes me even if that road looks completely unexpected and unfamiliar. I am equipped with everything I need and it is my job to trust and believe in cosmic love that moves me forward.

A final thought…I had a dream last night where I picked pomegranate seeds, currants, grapes and shredded pink carrots out of a bowl at a banquet and placed them into a bowl of thick cream for a wonderful treat…

To Infinity and Beyond

I found the picture from climbing Chichen Itza…and the view looking back down. It was exhilarating and scary at the same time, but the story didn’t end there. When we got to the top and just after I took this picture, Steve told me that I had to go down and get a helicopter to come up and pick him up, at first I laughed, but then realized he was dead serious. His face was completely white, and I suddenly knew he was not only afraid of heights, but also agoraphobic as well. I told him I wouldn’t leave without him, so either we died up there or we took our time getting back down together. It took me over an hour to talk him down backwards, which is quite a feat for someone who is 6 ft 4, and a size 14 shoe. I went down backwards first, right behind him, he knew if he fell or slipped I would go tumbling downward, and it kept him thinking with a level head, to move one small step at a time, until we reached solid ground.

The reason I brought up this story is not to disparage anyone because of their fears, I’ve talked about my own plenty, but more as a reminder that we all have them, regardless of how you look to the rest of the world, and most often they remain hidden. In the moment, though, when we act in a way that disregards, or is a denial that we have them, the end result is that the fear can and often does win. In my small and insignificant world, after the shooting by ICE in Minneapolis, where I spent much of my life, I too was paralyzed with the kind of fear that left me wondering if the darkness had finally won, that this journey of mine was nothing more than a fools errand, and that the little bit of light I brought to the game was nothing compared to the black whole of chaos that is beginning to swallow this country. The lies from those in power, come so frequently and blatantly that, from a leadership position, I began to wonder if it is just impossible to keep this ship afloat. And yet, I know, that throwing the lying, liars that lie overboard is not an option. Why? because according to everything I know about living on a higher plane, the foundational axiom is this: we are all connected. So every movement I make affects the whole, regardless of how small…even if it is just a whisper. Every choice made in fear, weakens and as in the case of Renee Macklin Good, destroys connections that are meant to move and evolve us forward.

It is that very concept, a reminder that we are all connected, that gave me the strength to continue on this journey, fools errand or not, and a very specific connection that talked me away from my fear, and that’s all I’ll say about that. All I know, in my lifetime, I have had plenty of opportunities to help people face their fears and move beyond them, and it is my prayer today that all those lights, blueprints or whatever you want to call them I feel connected to have someone, right now, who can do the same for them. We, those who choose love over fear, need each other right now. And while I love the amazing solidarity of people protesting the violence, I do caution that while doing so, we take the time necessary to face and acknowledge the fears we have right now, and enlist those we love to help overcome them. Fighting for justice and change is important, but reaching out and loving each other is just as important, because that love will define what the fight looks like.

And now the title I used for today’s post, yep, another appropriation…I think quoting Buzz Lightyear is perfect. He may have suffered an identity crisis after learning that he is just a toy, and not the hero that saves the universe, but when he finds his true purpose of being a loyal friend, and being loved and cherished for who and what he is, perhaps he really does…save the universe, I mean. And Buzz also reminds me that it only takes the faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain…

Faith and Survival

This song, which is a bit old, has popped up in my mind a lot these days, especially when I begin to wonder if the darkness has finally begun to overpower us. I remembered that the lyrics always gave me comfort…so I looked them up and thought maybe you could be comforted by them too. The song is by David Wilcox and is called “Show me the Way” https://youtu.be/SBmIIDiN57E?si=uWg6Za6wdOYYtryf

I hope this short little post will bring the kind of comfort it brought me. The God of Love’s imagination is so much broader than our own little perspectives…

You say you see no hope
You say you see no reason we should dream
That the world would ever change
You say the love is foolish to believe
‘Cause they’ll always be some crazy
With an army or a knife
To wake you from your daydream
Put the fear back in your life

Look
If someone wrote a play
To just to glorify what’s stronger than hate
Would they not arrange the stage
To look as if the hero came too late?
He’s almost in defeat
It’s looking like the evil side will win,
So on the edge of every seat
From the moment that the whole thing begins

It is love who mixed the mortar
And it’s love who stacked these stones
And it’s love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we’re alone
In this scene, set in shadows,
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it’s love that wrote the play
For in this darkness love can show the way

Now the stage is set
You can feel your own heart beating in your chest
This life’s not over yet
So we get up on our feet and do our best
We play against the fear
We play against the reasons not to try
We’re playing for the tears
Burning in the happy angel’s eyes

For it’s love who mixed the mortar
And it’s love who stacked these stones
And it’s love who made the stage here
Though it looks like we’re alone
In this scene, set in shadows,
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it’s love that wrote the play
For in this darkness love will show the way

In the Most Unlikely of Places

 

holy-light

I’m writing in the darkness of my house, except for the twinkle lights from the Christmas decorations I finished putting up. I am a sucker for the beautiful respite this season brings to the darkness of winter. In the simple power of a few twinkle lights, a burst of hope shatters the darkness. In the most unlikely of places, among animals and shepherds, our faith is born. In the most unlikely of places, a seemingly untenable situation of a woman giving birth in a barn becomes our sacred event. In the most unlikely of places a starry night brings hope and guides kings with gifts to mark the occasion of the exact point in time when heaven’s greatest light comes into the world. And now our journey this advent season begins. Now, gifted by grace, we are the heavenly light that must shine in the most unlikely of places.