Awkward subject to follow…just a head’s up.

When I was a child attending Catholic school, we spent a lot of time learning about the saints, I suppose as an incentive on how to behave as a good Catholic/Christian. What I remember in a general way were that male saints performed heroic deeds in the name of spreading the gospel against those who would try and silence them and often died horrible deaths. For women saints, however, the highlight of their heroic deeds included defending their virginity against those men of power who would forcibly take it from them, and by refusing to do so, also died horrible deaths, or another prerequisite was remaining a virgin because the church decided it was an indication of purity. I made a decision early on that saint hood was definitely NOT for me…best decision of my life. I want to tread carefully here, I DO NOT mean to defame or demean those in history who did what they did for God. But remember what I said about love…that just because you decide an act/behavior/expression is love, doesn’t necessarily make it so. Well, I believe the same goes for the kind of behavior that “the church” had decided was requisite for sainthood…in particular, for women.

Early on in my theological training, especially as I became more knowledgeable in scripture, I saw major contradictions between the interactions Jesus had with women and those historically, who went on to become saints in his defense. I’ll just say out loud what I’ve thought for a long time…Jesus didn’t give a shit about whether a women was a virgin or not. Sure he challenged them to straighten out their lives, but didn’t he challenge everyone to do the same? I think he meant that everyone should live a good and honest life, live up to their greatest potential and choose the greater path (remember the choice offered to Mary when her sister Martha demanded she help serve?). One of my most favorite gospel stories (included in all four), is when a woman, (in one it is Mary, in others she is unnamed and a woman of “ill repute” they are each a bit different) comes to where Jesus and the disciples are dining to wash his feet with her tears, wipe them with her hair and anoint his head with expensive oils…one of the most beautiful images I can recall about an intimate physical and loving expression between Jesus and another woman in scripture. When the men present (the gospels differ, some of the men are his disciples, others those he met along the way, and yet another is a healed leper) are vexed by what she is doing, especially since the oils could have been sold for a great deal of money to help the poor, he chastises them and says she has done a good thing, they offered no hospitality to him, but she did. And then he said the this famous line: “The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me.” I’ve always loved this story, because as a man, Jesus declared that she had shown him “great love”. Mary Magdalene (after who I am named) another woman Jesus loved, stood with and supported Jesus until the very end, at his crucifixion and was the first to see him when he rose from the dead…an apt tribute to her behavior in my book…and it had nothing to do with her virginity, but that they loved each other. Contrary to popular belief, no where in the bible is she described as a prostitute.

I completely understand that in the context of the time and culture in the stories of the early saints, when a woman chose to remain a virgin and unmarried, it was more likely that she did so to retain her own agency and the freedom to live independently and preach and teach the gospel in the way she felt compelled to, and also because as a women she was considered chattel and under the control of a man, whether it be a father or a husband. Jesus openly challenged that antiquated social convention over and over, and it has always made me sad that the church never seemed to embrace his attitude. It has always seemed ridiculous that women were continued to be sanctified by simply abstaining from sex, as if the breaking of her hymen whether by force, culture or marriage somehow made her “less than” or not as pure, it’s not only irrational, but unreasonable in response to the gospel message. That their sainthood rested in protecting their “greatest virtue” from another man’s appropriation of it stymied even my 11 year old self (I clearly wrote about it in my fifth grade diary and please note that I had just “found out” about sex the year before, to which I believe sounded awesome…although I was unsure of the mechanics of it, my passion for David Cassidy at the time led me to believe that I was in for something big and I was 10… and also yes, I was indeed a very strange child). When I became older and studied theology, I was pissed off even more, especially since Jesus never saw the women that surrounded him in that way. I felt the church clearly put the onus on me to be a woman who remained functionally “unexciting” and still preach about love and the gospel. While it was clearly obvious, although unfair, I knew, as I prepared for ministry, it was simply a reality that I had to navigate carefully in a church culture of totally fucked up sexual understanding, value and behaviors. I did “abstain” because it was true that the expectations and standards were different for women than men, and given that I was attractive and dynamic (which is simply a fact, so get over it) I simply kept to those definitions of love, laid out by Paul, and did the best that I could in any given situation to retain the highest integrity that I could. What helped me, in a weird way, was recommitting to the child hood decision I had made that sainthood was definitely not for me. I loved men too much, even though I was completely clueless how to “engage” (but not in any way that was untoward, because deciding that I wasn’t a saint, didn’t mean I rendered null and void the rules of love). The sad truth, beyond the fact that I sucked at it, what often kept me from “dating” a man I liked was what I did for a living: a spiritual and social “cold shower” as it were. More importantly, I truly believe that if God could choose me, a whirling dervish and the antithesis of sainthood, to walk this path as a whisperer of love, then perhaps there were better qualities/gifts I had to focus on rather than worry that I had a fowl mouth, no filters and well, the rest will be unsaid.

Anyway, the reason I bring all this up is another attempt to challenge the draconian cultural rules (total crap) that historically have plagued, mostly women, but also those who express love in different ways, so there is a clearer understanding of how to live on a higher plane. I am no less a disciple of the God of love because of the manner in which I choose to express love. I, and only I, ultimately know whether its source is love or not…no one else. And, I must say with the increasing stories of sexual exploitation and abuse in modern society, we have to hit this bullshit head on. I don’t care how awkward it is. Look at the colossal horror story the Epstein files have created and the damage that has occurred. And the fact that there is so much secrecy and pushback about bringing the perpetrators and the truth to the public is even more reason to address this issue. Like I’ve said countless times before, we are all connected and in this together when it comes to moving into our future and the misguided ideas about sex and sexuality have to be addressed. How we do that is a whole other matter and way above my pay grade, but as a casualty of the distortion of a beautiful expression of love, I do not want any other human being to become collateral damage of the way the darkness has weaponized it.

As I’ve said in many posts this year, we have to decide which cultural rules or the world’s rules (as defined by humans) help us live successfully on a higher plane (which are never defined but discovered by or revealed to humans), and which ones hinder us. I think history has shown, especially through all the arts, that humanity can progress in a way where it is possible to live in the world as well as on a higher plane, but sometimes, however, it doesn’t. So, one of my main goals this year is to offer, rationally, when its time to let go of antiquated or illusory “world” views when it comes to what is necessary to live on a higher plane, especially when it comes to the power of love, and understanding how to wield it according to its true nature: the source of life and what guides and evolves us forward, and sainthood, happily is not a prerequisite. I am not a saint, never was, never will be…I am a simple whisperer for the God of love, a mustard seed, and my small little butterfly wings (although a badass one) will express my love and will change the weather a world away. What gives me faith in this statement? Jesus said that they will know you are my disciples by how you love one another.