Because of a headfirst plunge into paralyzing emotional discomfort, which on this journey I shouldn’t be surprised by but constantly am (like Charlie Brown is when he continues to believe Lucy’s promises that she won’t pull the football at the last minute just as he tries to kick it, and which she continues to do every time) I’ve found solace in focusing on simple tasks, gestures and daily regimens to help me cope and keep moving forward when all I want to do is to shut up and shut down. So, I clean, (nothing more grounding than cleaning a toilet and being reminded that no one is above getting their hands dirty), do clinic paperwork, cook, paint, work out, perform the general repair of broken things in my small world and pray pretty much all day. Let me begin by saying that I would rather endure extreme challenges physically, mentally, and spiritually than deal with the emotional upheaval of feelings that this journey has thrown in my face as of late. Emotions I cannot avoid, if this journey is to mean anything at all…feelings that have been deeply compartmentalized because they are so rooted in fear and trauma that, at the time, were simply a method I used to survive, and now all I feel is anger which has begun to leak out everywhere, hence the reason for this lesson I suppose. In truth, emotions are not my superpower; I am not good at them and feel completely lost when in order to continue to move forward, I must face and become more adept at what I’m weakest at, most importantly because in order to become more adept at them you have to actually engage with other people to do so.
At this point, it feels like a lot of the time everyone else is speaking a different language fluently that I do not understand leaving me with limited comprehension and confused having only a rudimentary understanding to help me fumble through, or a game that everyone plays all the time, which everyone knows the rules to except me. Yes, that sounds extreme, but it’s taken a lifetime for me to learn how to navigate through and around emotions and if I’m being honest, learned particularly to fake my way through when I don’t know what else to do. God will have none of that right now though, which in time I suppose I will appreciate like I have every other lesson along the way, but for now? I FUCKING HATE IT. It feels like being required to sing a beautiful aria or perform a complicated dance when you know that you absolutely don’t have the requisite skill at the moment to do so even adequately. The message that keeps me awake at night is this: “Easier is not better, you can’t fake your way around the depth of feelings you have if you want to wield love in this world.” Needless to say, my spiritual voice and I are not on speaking terms at the moment…And as an aside, for all of you who feel that emotions are your superpower, I ask you to look at the one thing in your life you are terrible at (come on, we all have them, so step out of your denial) and focus on that for the purposes of this post.
I know Jesus experienced deep emotions, joy, mercy, compassion, love, anger, sorrow, despair and so many more. And these teachings have been the basis for much of my emotional and spiritual intelligence to date. Except I am not Jesus, and I am not a man. The “man” part was so weird for me to admit to because I have spent much of my life proving I am as good as a man, but not so much embracing the feelings of being a woman that make me demonstrably different. And I know I am demonstrably different and perhaps have been in denial about that. Let me be clear, though, embracing my difference does not in any way subordinate me inherently to men out there, especially for those I choose to love. I say that because of the growing sense of misogyny that exists, which I believe is perpetuated by small insecure men (and not in the quote from Ephesians 5 that is woefully taken out of context). But for the sake of my experience at the moment, the spiritual acuity I’ve developed isn’t helpful, in that while it is foundational, it won’t help me understand why I do what I do or feel what I feel in the messy human way that is required of me right now. If wielding love effectively is my goal, then, I think, the dream I had so long ago about being asked to venture into hell is an appropriate place for me to start. A caveat…I wear an oblong black aventurine around my neck at all times as a protection and reminder of a particular symbol of this dream, and I also a wear a symbol of the alpha and omega as a reminder that God is always with me. Needless to say, I have been clutching them a lot lately.
While I will never go into particulars of how I learn this lesson, the nature of cyber space being the predominant reason, (Whether it is because I inspire negative feelings, which is not my intent, or because many of you are fucking mean) please know that I am diligently working on facing what I’m weakest at. Having come so far on this journey, I can’t stop now (and because I secretly believe this lesson came so late in the process so I wouldn’t quit now that I’ve come so far and am so close to whatever conclusion is a result of this journey). I will cope by immersing myself in simple things and promising to face every personal interaction that comes my way, whether I like it or not. And I also promise to continue my prayers and sending ripples of love out into the world…knowing that God will augment my imperfect human heart with a love greater than any of us can know.
The above picture is my “what the actual f*ck” face, in response to a nightmare I had last night. I took the above picture at my worst, with no makeup, bad lighting, sweaty after a workout to say I would rather people remember me like this, at my WORST than HOW I was represented in my dream last night….
I was in a room with a huge crowd of people that I do not know engaging in behavior that was different depending on the person interacting with me…and it was GOD AWFULL. It was as if my person had been appropriated and I kept wanting to scream out the person who was not me’s mouth and say “THIS IS NOT ME! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT, SAY THAT, OR ACT LIKE THAT! I literally woke up saying “that is not me.” I felt so nauseated that I fumbled my way to the bathroom. It took more than a minute to settle down and wonder what the actual fuck freaked me out so bad. I’ve been misjudged or misunderstood a lot my whole life…so what was behind my reaction? I came to the conclusion that it all has to do with the faith people put in their own observations…many of which, given the amorphous nature of cyber space, are in truth wholly inaccurate but because of how advanced the kind of fakery and manipulation of information has become out there, and how easily and quickly it can disseminate to others I worry about the impact on how we perceive any person, place or thing is having on the world we live in. And for me as observer? I am left with the very sorry feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better
What my last post was supposed to be about when speaking of walking in my own shoes, removed from any particular role I’ve played in the past, was to hone and purify my observations as I move along my future path. I have spent a lifetime looking into the impact that an observer has on shaping the reality of our world…and with the invention of the internet, AI, and access to millions we can literally “create” a sense of reality that is observable and feels real and yet is completely fabricated…I guess that is what has me freaked out. So let me present the science and power of observation as I understand it…
In the world of quantum the observer, or the means by which “something” is observed, means everything. Its form depends on “how” it’s observed. For example, light can exist both as a particle or a wave, depending on how it is observed, which, until quantum physics, was considered impossible. Physicist Werner Heisenberg, gave even more importance to the observer via the uncertainty principle, which states that the exact position and velocity of a particle cannot both be known at the same time—the more precisely one value is known, the greater the range of possibilities that exist for the other. Even the act of observing something changes the reality of what is being observed. In the classical view of the universe, science taught that by eliminating subjective influences nature could be revealed as she really was. Quantum physics changed that classical viewpoint by exposing a dichotomy between experienced and un-experienced reality. The idea that the mechanism of observation could actually affect what form matter took forced science into a new paradigm, besides giving great weight to the observer.
The discovery of the wave/particle duality has taken us beyond the limitations of Newtonian physics. There are two levels of reality which can be said to exist: reality as experienced, or as it exists in relation to the observer; and reality that is un-experienced, or as it exists in the absence of an observer (sort of like the old question does a tree falling in a forest make a sound when no one is there to hear it?). Un-experienced reality, then, is reality as it exists before or beyond human experience (perhaps in a dimension beyond height, width, weight, depth and time). Un-experienced reality relates to experiential reality in that it forms the basis or context of experienced reality like an archetype or prototype. The issue that is of central importance to me is the relationship between what is experienced and what is not. Naturally, since human beings, as observers, are confined by certain dimensional and subjective limitations, it would seem obvious that the un-experienced dimension has the greater control over what we perceive. I’m not so sure of that anymore; from my theological background I know the power human beings have to be co-creators of the universe and therefore color every experience with personal meaning. What I have begun to worry about in this age of information overload, is the effect that all the absolutely made-up bullshit out there in cyberspace that looks and feels like it is real but is a complete fabrication will have on the physical and tangible reality we observe every day. I certainly know that it affects how an observer moves in and responds to the world.
I know I’m sounding heady right now, but with the plethora of examples of false information out there and the actual impact it has made on individual observers can’t be dismissed. I think all this falsehood has shaped our physical reality more dangerously than we will ever know. And I also think there are plenty of evil people out there who know this and have used it to corrupt the goodness that access to information and other people in this world could mean via the internet. Those who control information have the power…which is why Jesus warned us about prophets presenting themselves as wolves in sheep’s clothing. In this age of cyberspace, we all have to be hypervigilant about the truth of what we observe. As I walk forward in my own shoes…I will hone and root what I see and hear in fact not fiction. The dream I had will be a reminder of how easily it is to portray someone in a way that is completely false but feels real, especially when their purpose, like mine, is to wield love and celebrate the true and beautiful blueprint of all God’s people.
I told my son Riley, that when he got married, I was going to get a separate pair of shoes for the reception, so I wouldn’t break myself like I did at the last family wedding. They are comfortable and pretty snazzy if I must say so myself. Metaphorically? I think they clearly represent something else as well. Let me start with this: at this juncture in my life, I am no one’s mother, wife, administrator, fixer, chef, student, teacher, or the multitude of other roles I’ve fulfilled diligently (even if imperfectly) up to now. Nor am I the figment of imagination that exists in the minds of people I have no direct contact with out in cyber world. At this specific moment, I am walking unhindered by any expectations others may have of me in how to proceed forward, which feels pretty blind right now. It’s all new territory, much of which I admit I don’t have any rational grip on yet. I know my heart has been struggling a lot with love trajectories and in trying to get messages and observations out there that are simple, understandable and pure…but that’s not really how life works is it. So, for me, standing alone in my own shoes…I have to figure out how to have faith in my own badass butterfly feet. (This was where I paused my draft…)
And, as it happens…a full day later after I paused this draft…and the timing of which is indisputable proof that a huge lesson was coming my way, shit hit my shoes…
The day started with the deep sadness of losing a patient to suicide, Steve tried to help him overcome autoimmune struggles and a dependence on Benzos..(to treat anxiety and other nervous system diseases). The patient was so kind, and I was a bit of a wreck…which is a perfect time for the darkness to strike. While not going into too much detail, a conversation derailed with another patient, who I clearly believed misunderstood something I said, and in my attempts to explain, it escalated even further. The words got loud, and I got him back to a room, but also refused to be chastised for starting “something” which I admit, got me even more riled up (and yes, it could have been my ego). When the patient was leaving, he wanted to continue his outrage, and I directed and followed him outside. Thinking it was time to transform into my badass butterfly, I yelled too, refusing to succumb to his description of the conversation and challenging him on gaslighting…which was the wrong thing to say, and it riled him up further. As the shouting match became untenable, I said that we should stop, and I had to get back to work (plus I was visibly shaking by this point). Once I got inside, a patient grabbed me and hugged me. I apologized, and tried to slow down my breathing.
As I went back to my desk, I saw outside our window that the police had come and stopped the patient from leaving. I didn’t think, I just walked outside and greeted the police and told them that I was the other party that was engaged in the very loud argument. I wanted them to see I was ok. I tried to mitigate the situation by explaining the shouting match by putting my hand on the patient’s shoulder and saying that it was just a heated conversation that got out of hand and apologized for breaching the peace. I guess a couple people called from the parking lot (we share it with a grocery store). I showed them my ID, and went on my way. They stayed in the parking lot, this guy giving a speech for about a half hour. I didn’t care what he said, because I should have figured out early on that he really didn’t care about anything I had to say at all. Since it was lunch time, I made my way to the fitness club where I work out during lunch. Still shaking, it took me an hour of hard work to settle down.
Being a badass butterfly, didn’t feel the same as it did in my dream. The emotions storming through me were too tumultuous at the time and I felt exhausted, defeated, incompetent in wielding love that I so confidently preach about. Thankfully, my older brother settled me down when I called him (thanks John…I love you) and helped to focus my effort to stand up for myself in my own solitary shoes, the emotions already surfacing from tragedy, and that even though I was acting from goodness, I can’t control the results, and the phrase from the Little Prince about words being the source of misunderstanding suddenly popped into my head. And most importantly? I am imperfect and have to learn from the situation. After lunch, I went to the two suites that surround us to apologize for the unprofessional argument only to hear that they were truly worried about me, this little woman standing while a man screamed in her face (I screamed too, but I get the physical imbalance of the situation). There was no swearing, no name calling, just me standing against what I felt was an unjust portrayal of “what I meant, and what I actually said” and in all honesty, that was all I cared about…my own clarification. Perhaps I am just being naive again, while I never thought I would be harmed, none of those in the other offices felt that way and stood on guard to help if anything happened.
Wielding love, at that moment was hard and for my part was an abject failure. I don’t have a security team, or popular presence showering me with adulation like so many people who are in the spotlight fighting against hate and violence or simply celebrating their beautiful blueprints with the world. And while I know that all situations have their difficulties, I sympathize with all the small lights out there who are walking alone in just their own shoes and trying to be a presence of love in the world. There are so many examples of how overwhelmed people are at this time in history, and every action can fuel the flames or give them a reason to hope. I am sad, humbled, and at the same time in awe of the strength I showed in the moment. I also realize, however, walking in my solitary shoes is harder than I thought and that I need love sent my way too, so trajectories? please send some my way….
When Jesus sent out his disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits and to cure every disease and illness, he did it with very specific instructions. The full context is the 10th chapter of Matthew; I will share a few highlights.
As you go, make this proclamation: ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’
Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, drive out demons. Without cost you have received; without cost you are to give.
Do not take gold or silver or copper for your belts; no sack for the journey, or a second tunic, or sandals, or walking stick. The laborer deserves his keep.
Whatever town or village you enter, look for a worthy person in it, and stay there until you leave.
As you enter a house, wish it peace.
If the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it; if not, let your peace return to you.
Whoever will not receive you or listen to your words – go outside that house or town and shake the dust from your feet.
He said this because not only were they acting on behalf of Jesus, they were doing so because it was not for their own elevation or edification, but for Gods, and everyone they helped or healed should be immediately aware on whose authority they acted upon. Jesus also knew that there would be plenty of opposition to the words and actions they would be bringing to the “lost sheep of the houses of Israel” Jesus knew that the people of God had swayed far from what was necessary to bring forth the Kingdom of Heaven, and he wanted them to be prepared:
Behold, I am sending you like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and simple as doves. But beware of people, for they will hand you over to courts and scourge you in their synagogues, and you will be led before governors and kings for my sake as a witness before them and the pagans. When they hand you over, do not worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say. You will be given at that moment what you are to say. For it will not be you who speak but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Brother or sister will hand over brother or sister to death, and the father or mother their child; children will rise up against parents and have them put to death. You will be hated by all because of my name, but whoever endures to the end will be saved. When they persecute you in one town, flee to another. Amen, I say to you, you will not finish the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes. No disciple is above their teacher, no slave above their master.
I used to be worried and confused about this part of Jesus message, but as a precursor to what actually happened throughout the history of Christianity’s movement in the world, it’s pretty accurate. Jesus knew there would be those who contorted his teachings to their own edification and power structures, and wanted to make clear that the disciples should not be afraid of them:
Therefore do not be afraid of them. Nothing is concealed that will not be revealed, nor secret that will not be known. What I say to you in the darkness, speak in the light; what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. And do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather, be afraid of the one who can destroy both soul and body in Gehenna. Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s knowledge. Even all the hairs of your head are counted. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Everyone who acknowledges me before others I will acknowledge before my heavenly Father. But whoever denies me before others, I will deny before my heavenly Father. Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword.
I think we should all pause, especially in this day and age where there is a growing war with who controls the Word of God, and how it can be weaponized as a tool for the darkness. If you preach hate against any member of the body, you are not speaking for God, if you preach superior status in any way, you are not speaking for God, if you preach exclusivity and reject anyone, you deny the premise that all people are of consequence and you do not act on God’s behalf, and if your actions are rooted in fear, anger, hatred, judgment, and chaos, you do not act for God. If your actions reject forgiveness, and embrace violence, you do not act for God. You cannot kill sin or the sinner, that isn’t how Heaven’s sword works. I think we need to remember the power and energy of Heaven’s sword…is the power of love. Jesus says this poignantly in the gospel of Luke:
How can you say to your brother or sister, ‘Brother, sister, let me remove that splinter in your eye,’ when you do not even notice the wooden beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! Remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter in your sister or brother’s eye. A good tree does not bear rotten fruit, nor does a rotten tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit. For people do not pick figs from thornbushes, nor do they gather grapes from brambles. A good person out of the store of goodness in their heart produces good, but an evil person out of a store of evil produces evil; for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks. Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ but not do what I command? I will show you what someone is like who comes to me, listens to my words, and acts on them. That one is like a person building a house, who dug deeply and laid the foundation on rock; when the flood came, the river burst against that house but could not shake it because it had been well built. But the one who listens and does not act is like a person who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the river burst against it, it collapsed at once and was completely destroyed.”
If you truly read scripture, it isn’t difficult to understand how we are expected to behave as a follower of Christ, its laid out pretty clearly. So, in moving forward, like when the disciples were first sent out, HOW you move forward as a follower of Christ couldn’t be more important. In large ways and small, trusting that God will be present in every word and action if you pray out of the store of goodness in you heart, God will be there. After his death and resurrection, when Jesus sent the disciples out and they were worried about their authority moving forward without his physical presence, he told them simply this: They will know you are my disciples by how you love one another. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. I don’t need to stand out on a street corner and proselytize (that is not to say if you feel called to do so you shouldn’t), it is by my simple and yet consistent actions of love that mark me as a follower of the Savior. And I personally believe that actions speak louder than words.
Throughout my entire life I have faced scrutiny and judgement about the actions and words I speak on behalf of God, especially regarding this particular journey of mine and how often my ideas seem to run contrary to the structures who believe only they speak on behalf of God, as a result, I’ve become much stronger at letting go of how those structures can limit or harm me. Because in every daily prayer I make, I trust that the Lord lets me know what it is I need to say and that it will be God’s love as I understand it through the teachings of Jesus that moves me, and that as a result I will remain precious to him. This does not mean that I am placing an imprimatur on my actions and the words I say and write, because I know how fallible and imperfect I am, but that it is my genuine and honest request to God for whom I am a whisperer, that all I say and do comes from a source of goodness and love in my heart that will endure until the end.
The woman sat quietly on a rock facing blowing sands of the desert as a guide approached her. “You’re new,” she said.
He sat beside her and asked, “How are the love trajectories going?”
“Is that meant to be sarcastic?” she replied, immediately irritated.
“Perhaps, a bit,” he replied, “it feels a bit silly and naive” he added.
“What is that supposed to mean?” she said.
Well,” he said cautiously, “I think you are focusing on the more frivolous aspects of, what do you call them, ‘ripples of love’…
“Hmm, there is nothing frivolous about any kind of love, especially when I know that the song of my heart rings true, and I will not allow anyone, even you to make commentary on it. Thats not why I am here, and you know it.” She felt suddenly cold but knew the moment she set in motion had arrived.
“Ok, he replied, “Then why are we here?”
“Why should I tell you, isn’t it your job to instruct me?” She turned to face him.
He laughed and said, “Come on, I have been present in your life all along, you know the sound of my heart, you should be able to guess pretty accurately by now”
To which she responded, “Oh Serpent, we both know you don’t even have a heart”
Taken off guard, he said “What did you call me?”
She responded quietly, “Yes its true, you have been present in my life all along. You were there in every trauma, every obstacle, and every attempt to break me.”
Shifting quickly, he said: “Yes I have, especially in that faulty human structure of yours, the challenges, of which I am particularly proud to have thrown you off your game…I must say you have functionally allowed me to place limits on you in so many ways.”
“Once again, serpent, you’ve completely misread the situation” the woman challenged back, “While I don’t know how much of your hand was involved in my broken spine, the autoimmune diseases, or damage from accidents, you completely fail to understand how the grace I received transformed all those challenges, no, transformed me into the defier of odds, a beneficiary of strength I never would have known otherwise.” She said with a growing confidence that comes with saying it out loud.
“And yet I’m telling you; it will only crush you in the end.” He said, in a way only a serpent could.
The woman didn’t miss a beat, “You’ve said that before through the doctors who told me early on, that without the surgery, I would never carry children, and I had two, they said I would be walking with a walker by 40, and I’ve ridden my bike hundreds of miles across this country, camped out and hiked, sailed, climbed and learned to adapt to dietary restrictions, and health practices to curb my anxiety and focused on my brain and went to law school, and tried a host of other ways to pivot your attempts to break my spirit, my blueprint. You’ve stolen my smile three times, and three times, I did every protocol, and my smile came back. You have plagued me but never broken me. I’ve never taken an illicit drug, or painkiller ever, and I have embraced every necessary health regimen to be as normal as possible.” The woman looked directly into the serpent’s subtle shift in expression, “Your smirk is misguided! I have become something so much more and I celebrate my tenacity, strength and adaptability, so let me tell you, your threats of my demise are as empty as your soul, they do nothing but inspire me to work harder!”
His tone, becoming more ominous, said: “Celebrate all you like. You are but an insect, whom I simply enjoy torturing. What have you called our dance? Death of a thousand cuts?”
Laughing, she turned to him and said “An insect can also wreak havoc too serpent, look at any pandemic in history! It seems you don’t recognize the sound of my heart, after all. While you have received my sad message of taking a beat to stay intact as I wrote this post, know that it was simply a ruse to lure you here by feigning weakness, it dawned on me that sound, one you will never hear allows me to move beyond you, and around your machinations.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”, the serpent replied, “While you are correct that I don’t have a heart, I can feel the vibrations of your pathetic human heart caught in fantasies of sending out trajectories, fantasies of wielding love and bringing light into the world, which in truth, carry no greater weight than a spec of sand in the face of billions, and you think your sorry attempts matter at all? Right now, I am grooming multitudes into monsters, who will maim and kill and there is nothing you can do about it.
“Yes, it’s true…I’ve seen your latest handiwork at the Catholic School I know so well, Serpent”, the woman said in a slow condescending manner, “But please note, however, mine is not just a singular heart anymore, I am Eve, the first sinner, I am also Mary, the first saved…”
Showing a hint of irritation for the first time, the serpent, now in his true form said “So you figured it out, tread carefully woman, I too knew you before you were born, I tempted you to fall the first time, I will do it again”
“Oh, I’m not finished” the woman said, “I have come to learn, and to understand, and be transformed by a multitude of hearts that have crossed my path in a myriad of ways.” The woman turned quietly and said fiercely, “Though you can’t feel my heart, serpent, know that it is no longer just a frail human one shrouded in innocence and fear, it is augmented by His heart, His love, His gift of grace along with studying a millennia of your game playing and tricks, which, by the way, have more than blessed me with opportunities to find goodness in whatever you placed in my path this time around and I have become even stronger. So, hear me now, I am God’s whisperer, and I am not afraid of you or your chaos”
“As it stands whisperer” the serpent responded, “I can make it so no one will ever hear you again. I can make it so you become a joke, a woman who is delusional, a person of no consequence.”
“While you may try, and its true I am just a small woman whose great accomplishment is her simple persistent presence in the world, the multitude of experiences and interactions I have had in the world is clear evidence of the contrary. And remember the most important axiom of the Savior, all people are of consequence, faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains, and love never fails.” the woman continued, “And in all truth serpent, while you always focus on the big flashy picture, and the buildup of powerful tyrants and devastating wars, I, and others like me, have appreciated the power of the movement of butterfly wings to affect the future. I never needed to be big and powerful, although my path put me in the presence of some pretty powerful trajectories, just to see how at their core they are no more powerful a force than I am. The ripples of love already unleashed in the world in simple and ordinary ways are shining brightly in a manner that you can’t even begin to recognize…and you won’t because you don’t really know the sound of my heart, God’s heart, or anyone else’s heart out for that matter. The sound of those hearts is a chorus of love, the songs of their souls, the manifestation of the heavenly blueprint they were made to be and are shining their light in both simple and dramatic ways at this very moment, thus creating not just ripples, but tides of love, that you can’t possibly stop. I know this because you would need a heart to hear it, to feel it, and you would need to know the vibration of the sound of love, and how powerful it has become but you can’t. You may be the purveyor of lies, the Father of smoke screens, but those are temporary illusions at best and will not hold beyond the temporary chaos they create. The momentum has already begun; the tide is turning.”
The Serpent became angry and ominous and got in her face and spit out his final words “I will continue to bury this world in Chaos, noise and fear, and I will twist the Savior’s words like I have throughout history, and I will rip you and others apart like I have done since you ate that apple in the garden and unleashed sin into the world, and I will celebrate its demise”
Backing a step away, she thought for a moment and whispered: “That is the beauty of being just a small, ‘insignificant’ speck, one of many, we have, together, already defeated you. When Jesus died, and before he rose, he broke the walls of hell. You have relied on lies to cover this truth up, but they will no longer hold. The war has already been won with his sacrifice. What is left is each individual choice to receive his grace, to believe they are worthy of it. In this, I will succeed, because I have prayed for it, and if you know anything about His promises, anything asked for in goodness, shall be given to me” She paused and took a deep breath and said with authority, “Oh, and He asked me to tell you this: “You have lost the bet serpent, there is nowhere my love can’t reach. She is mine and I will be there for her, and when she calls me, I will answer,” She stepped back and looked into the void that were his eyes and felt calm and completely unafraid and said, “so let me add my message as well, a favorite quote from the priest and scientist Teilhard de Chardin, whose rhythm also beats in my heart: ‘Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, humanity will have discovered fire.’ And just so you don’t forget, let me repeat myself, though I may be small and seemingly insignificant in your plot, I have prayed for and sent out love to support the initial conditions of a multitude of beautiful blueprints God has created everywhere for decades, so we together, can take this newly discovered fire, this harnessed love and wield it in our world. Your biggest mistake was disregarding the simple movement of a butterfly’s wings, or the power of a mustard seed. Trajectories have expanded, the seeds of love have taken root, and their lights are shining bright. With God together we will wield love and bring the Kingdom to fruition.”
The serpent stood silent before her. She took a deep breath and said: “You tire me serpent…I brought you here to tell you that I am no longer afraid of you and the havoc you have brought into my life, you cannot and will not hurt me anymore. God won’t allow it, because I finally see myself clearly enough to have already asked Him not to allow it. God is unequivocal, Love is unequivocal, and now I am unequivocal. In every step forward, I am fire, harnessing love and sending it out without restrictions, without limits, fully and without fear with a deep abiding faith that in each and every visual light I see and prayerful whisper I release to every person I send it to, is a love strong enough to shape weather and move mountains. A love that is a seal on my arm, a seal on my heart, stronger than death and one that never fails. So, yes I will continue to send out ‘my trajectories of love,’ as you call them, and once they are received and it cracks open souls like it has mine, they will do the same, and begin to affect the world as only love can do and together we shall unleash the powerful blueprints we were all called to be, in all their myriad of colors and expressions.” She looked up to where the serpent began to dissipate and said, “And always remember, there is no place anywhere, even in hell where the love of God can’t reach.”
