Here is the next half hour…it doesn’t look much better, yet.
Do you ever feel that if only you had received the necessary information at the time you could have saved yourself a lot of emotional angst and struggle? That describes my feeling in the moment…and yet I completely understand that if that said information would have been laid out for me in a complete picture diorama at the time, I wouldn’t see things the same way as I do now…which is a good thing, I’ve decided. It appears, that I missed plenty of signs, validation, glaringly obvious messages leaving me feeling pretty dense for someone who claims to be a pretty acute observer in the world. In the moment, I felt a bit foolish and embarrassed, until I realized that God’s/love’s timing is definitely not my timing. So, I am choosing to believe that my delayed awareness was intentional, to give me time to get out of my own way, out of my own head and not run for the hills in complete panic. It was a particularly unexpected lesson in letting go of control, asking for help and clarification and then allowing God/love, to help me see what I was missing. When I let go of control, (and I am not saying become a puppet) because I had clearly hit a wall and was stuck in the stalemate of my mind…I focused on all I have learned recently, and the past I’ve let go of, and focused on everything that love promises, and suddenly, the blockades came down, and the path ahead suddenly seems clearer, which, I guess, carries its own set of problems…namely there are no more excuses, its time to start moving and let go of the worry that some how I will fuck this up…which, at this juncture is pretty much impossible…the new information sealed the deal for me. I just need to adjust the rhythm of my life now and move according to a different timing, which isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Having the freedom of movement is wonderful…but new choreography, especially when you’re not the only one dancing, still takes practice.
I also read what Jesus says about worry:
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat (or drink), or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil
Today, I am a bird, a flower, in a grassy field, in all its splendor…I have all I need.