I. Love. To. Drive. I always have, especially since being the third of Irish triplets in my family (which means being born in quick succession often less than a year between siblings) meant I couldn’t get my license until I was 18 because of the cost of insurance (both my brothers also had “incidents”). When I finally got that picture ID in hand as proof to the world I had reached a whole new level of independence, I felt such incredible joy and freedom. And while I am a rule follower, there is nothing like a long road trip along a freeway going fast with the music blasting in the background. Anyway, yesterday was my post-op appointment. It went great, and the best part was being told I could drive again (since it is my left hip and I am not taking opioids). I felt a similar joy in the moment that I got my license the first time…the freedom to move on my own, especially in accordance to my own rhythm and schedule again. That autonomy is such a simple pleasure, one I was a bit surprised at how much I had already missed (I know its also only been 10 days). The idea of “drive” also brought to mind a whole host of other things. What are all the many things that will drive me now with my new freedom of movement on this higher plane? While it’s true, I have all sorts of ideas and possibilities floating around in my head on “where” this drive will take me, which is exciting, BUT per usual on this journey…I was also presented with the question of “what” will drive me too…and it was more than humbling.
Yesterday after my post-op appointment an embarrassing thing happened. Once the bandage was removed, my new scar was visible along with the deep bruising of the surgeon’s fingers along my hip, and well, other places and I found it deeply shocking. Now of course I am aware the amount of force that is necessary when they shove the spike of the new hip into my femur, but it is quite another thing to see the proof of it…it was quite disconcerting and in that exact moment, the horror on my face in the mirror was proof I also thought it was quite ugly as well. My normally small hip and thigh looked monstrous. While I don’t consider myself to be a vain person, that visceral reaction at what my body went through and then actually recoiling at the sight of it in the mirror, shocked me a bit. Moreover, it kicked my joy to the sideline. I felt so sad that I didn’t rise above it in the moment. How stupid is that? Crap, am I really that conventional? Logically, I know it is temporary, because you can barely see the scar from the other hip now…but in the moment it was quite humbling and revelatory that I am still driven by simple externals and world definitions too. To add insult to injury I also got a bit of a reaction/dermatitis to the anti-inflammatories I’m taking so my neck is bright red and on fire…thank God for aloe.
Having the ability to “drive” oneself is such a freedom, but it is also important to check once in awhile all those vanities that subliminally influence where and how we drive forward too. Sometimes the most simple reaction brings the greatest epiphany. The picture below while still disheveled, includes a bit of vanity too, red neck and all.
I also promise that next post I will be back on track to living on a higher plane…which will focus on happiness…
Here is a tidbit:
Views on Happiness
Teilhard argued that true happiness is found in growth and progress rather than in static tranquility, comfort or avoidance of risk. It does not come from hoarding possessions or seeking control, but from giving oneself over to a purpose larger than the individual. He characterized three pillars:
- The inner unification of the self
- The union of our being with others who are our equals through genuine relationship.
- The subordination of our individual life to a greater, transcendent whole (serving God or the collective evolution of the universe).