Category: dance

A New Dance

The above photo was taken on the way to surgery two days ago…the sunrise was beautiful, and I took it as a message that God was with me and had my back for what was to come.

I’m back for a quick update…Surgery done, new hip installed, and I am indeed, the valedictorian of recovery. During the week prior, I spent time doing all the pre-surgery protocols and appointments that, while they went great, left me in the throws of anxiety. Control was entirely in the hands of other people, and that is hard for me (others too…I know I am not alone in this). What I dreamed about often and what was all encompassing in my mind was the idea of how my injured hip, its damage and the pull and effect it had on the music in my soul and my dance in the world became the perfect metaphor for how limited we become in developing our blueprints in the physical world by those damaging circumstances we all have to face every day. I literally could not dance my dance or hear the music beginning to emerge in my soul clearly anymore because it was time to acknowledge what wasn’t working and fix it. This new hip, was to become for me, a new opportunity to hear the music in my head more clearly and now have the freedom to physically dance my dance. The spiritual part, though, was harder. It also meant that I had to release the damaged parts of my past that also limited my movement forward, meaning releasing all those people and behaviors that unnecessarily altered my physical journey as well. I apologize if I’m not being too clear, but at this point in my year of living on a higher plane, the physical world and the spiritual world are inseparable. So if I am to welcome new physical freedom I have to simultaneously welcome the same spiritual freedom too…and that means letting go of the spiritual damage that was limiting me just like my damaged hip was limiting me.

My surgery took place on Tuesday, (two days ago). I am already walking with a cane, doing stairs and am working hard doing exercises with an attitude of love as a welcome from my body to the new “part” to enhance my journey. I also decided to spiritually celebrate all those who were there for me during this process with love and gratitude as I released all the isolation I felt last time. To start, I want to thank those that helped me at Westfield Hospital: Megan, Michaela, Matthew, April, Nick, Avery, Dr Weiss and his team, Kenzie, Brittani, Hunter, Rinee, Tammie, Will, Kay, Nida, Jud, and Lynn who were present, loving and helpful throughout this ordeal. Healthcare workers never get enough credit for the level of amazing and often unsung work they do in the healing process. I had many lovely conversations getting to know these people, most were surprised that I actually asked their names and seemed interested in their lives. I always responded that it made it so much easier for me to utilize their help when I got a sense of who they were, and all were open and marvelous. I hate being in a hospital and was glad it was only overnight. Interestingly in one of my conversations with my case worker Lynn, she asked me what I did and when I told her I was a painter and showed her some of my work, she was moved and them came back later to share that she had contacted the Phipps center for the Arts at the University of Wisconsin River Falls who does the hospitals art on their gallery walls and it looks like I will display there too. What a great opportunity to bring the joy of art to the healing process. The new dance has begun.

The next few weeks will be filled with a different kind of effort, the changing of my dance. While the physical part manifests as overcoming the pain of such a dramatic physical alteration, for me it is a welcome pain, one that offers a freedom I have sorely missed. The spiritual part is more challenging, because behavioral change is hard, but I’m going to be the valedictorian of spiritual recovery as well. Yesterday, when I got home from the hospital (thank you my bebe Riley for picking me up) my sister texted and let me know my mother had fallen and cracked ribs. They are having her rest and managing her pain. You know what? I felt nothing, and was glad she was safe and sent a prayer of recovery for her…a huge landmark for me. There were also several “issues” of work and real world stuff that I either handled or let go for another day…and focused on myself, for once. It was good.

I want to end this rambling (I am still on medication…which I hate, but they limited upon my request, to which I am grateful) with how much appreciation I have to those trajectories, to those I love who sent me love…I felt it overwhelmingly and it was central in helping me make it through this experience easily. The hard part is over, I am on the mend and open to receive all that is coming my way. I am thankful and ready to dance into my new future.

Joy and Dancing

I keep thinking God is punking me with  joy as a my yearly focus…especially given all that is happening in the world right now…what exactly is there to be joyful about? And then I had an epiphany…and danced. In context, my beautiful niece got married last weekend. Most people had to travel (we did) and some from abroad. There were cancellations, concerns, anxiety and some frayed nerves. Yet love was celebrated, families were together, and in the face of  growing world fear, an opportunity for joy. So this is what I exercised during this trip: conscious joy. In every moment, to find the joy, because its there, always present and waiting to be seen and felt.

I saw joy when myself and others exercised kindness, others so appreciated it. I saw joy in the joining of two phenomenal people in love, and felt joy in all that we as parents accomplished with such amazing offspring and support for one another. I found joy in the warm sun, beautiful surroundings and time to breath (and I don’t mean that metaphorically). I felt overwhelming joy watching my brother and his daughter dance together, and felt an other worldly presence of my niece’s mother and my father who both have passed that washed over me with joy also. I practiced joy in re figuring crazy moments and laughed about them. And then, even though I didn’t want to at first…when given the opportunity, I danced…just like I used to. At that moment I remembered how much I loved it, why I did it and could feel my joy alter the world, even if in a minuscule way. I’m still paying for it now (my body just doesn’t work that way anymore) but it was the best reminder of why my favorite verse was David dancing naked before the ark of the covenant. It transformed my fear, and I realized that joy can be found at all moments. It reminded me why I am a  person of faith. It reminded me that all things are indeed possible if we have faith in God, ourselves and each other.

I am beginning to appreciate that my theme this year is joy. I think God knew I would be prone to dark moments and hopelessness. So I am conscious of it at all times. Joy can be found even in the darkest moments, because we are the very creation of love, and with that understanding comes joy. And this understanding will be crucial as we move forward in this crisis…for me I will try to exercise joy.

You would know the secret of death

ireland-cross

Here is the poem I read at my father’s funeral…I made it almost the whole way through, until the part about dancing…

On Death

Kahlil Gibran

You would know the secret of death. But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life? The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; and like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity. Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor. Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king? Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then you shall truly dance.

 

I still hear his voice, telling me that the smallest gestures can make the largest impact, to live fearlessly and faithfully. I embrace fully in the dream of building the Kingdom of God, one simple brick at a time. Papa, you taught me that and you showed me that by all the people that showed up to celebrate you…from your students, neighbors, colleagues, family, the diocese, and many friends. Your heart was open wide to the body of Life and from above you still walk with me and all those you love to keep singing and dancing until we meet our King.