I should have known that having such a positive epiphany that the follow-up would come with a challenging lesson, you know the prayer I made to God about never becoming an asshole…and everything. At least my spirit guide is consistent in showing me multifaceted sides to all lessons as I learn them. That being said, it appears I needed to understand how demonstrably different I am now, especially when things go awry. I have always been a good problem solver, I dispassionately move around an issue and look at it from different angles, and move accordingly, methodically and most often successfully. Except now, with having all these “emotions” as I learn how to wield love more fully across the board meant that facing these issues over the last two days looked completely different, and well, it was not pretty and my emotions leaked out everywhere.

As I posted yesterday, my site was shut down, and the day also was plagued with multiple weird and unexplainable issues at work and most were on the technical end. Out of character, I was in a panic. Normally I would be irritated, and charge ahead and work to fix things, But this time, I had all these weird fears about nefarious actors and what if I could never write on this site again, or if all my programs were compromised etc., plus the real meltdown came when none of the “stuff” said technical people told me to do worked. I usually never act this way and I hated it. What I realized, was that the emotional component to the struggles I was facing brought me to another epiphany; I am not a machine, and when I opened myself to emotions to embrace loving unequivocally, it has affected every area of who I am now, even when problem solving, and that requires learning to navigate them more, I’m not sure even what word to use… wholly? Anyway, while I still want to solve problems efficiently, even while blubbering (and I did solve them, on my own despite the tears, for this site, it was plug-in issues with the site upgrade, so I had to get rid of some…sorry if affects whatever you read here), I also accept that I am affected by troubles emotionally. (I’m sure most people already know this, I, however, feel like a prepubescent regarding emotions…I still feel like I suck at expressing them).

While I don’t want to be specific, what embracing my emotions meant over the last two days, anyway, was that I stopped compartmentalizing them when these multiple challenges came up. What I gained from doing that this was eye-opening. It was the reactions I got from people around me when I was struggling that helped me understand why I started compartmentalizing them in the first place, so I realized I needed to be better at reaching out to those who let me be me and would offer concern and comfort as well as offer solutions to help. No one need be an island whether it is in elation or difficulty and being worthy of love shouldn’t be contingent on the presence of emotional messiness that comes with being human. I know now, that we all have our messy moments and that it is perfectly ok to express them, even God has them (plenty of stories about that in Scripture). None of us are alone in this world and I’m beginning to “feel” that I am also not alone either.

Let me conclude with a verse from Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light