Everyone has an angle

angleI know I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks, more about how to say what I want to say, rather than not having anything particularly pertinent to say. So let me begin with this: Does everyone on the planet have an angle? If they do then I must have one, and if I do, what is it? What I see in the mirror everyday doesn’t always match what other people see, that is just a downfall of human perception. While that statement may seem obvious, and probably rings true for most people, it is important to not let anyone else define you. Feedback is important, don’t get me wrong…there needs to be some measure of critique to break through the illusions we create about ourselves…you know the little rationalizations we create to justify and explain away flaws that we know are there but just don’t want to see. But feedback with out a clear sense of self is a lot more dangerous. I’ve been meditating a lot lately on who exactly it is that I see in the mirror and what it is I want to see reflected back.

I used to be so much more clear of her image when I was younger. I was always taught to never be afraid to see my flaws…because God gave me the necessary raw ingredients to make the best me, and it a life’s journey to figure out how to make them work, so I think keeping in mind maturity, I was pretty clear about who was looking back at me. Developing objectivity has always been a necessary tool in developing my potential, because pretending to be something I’m not will just perpetuate an illusion that completely inhibits growth. The sting of recognizing a weakness or flaw is so much less painful when founded on the belief that I am made in God”s image and surrounded by people who are committed to my development. Logically, then, being surrounded by sycophants or adversaries inhibits growth, and the challenge relies on who’s feedback to trust. Even though I always believed that my path was one less traveled and therefore would be difficult to predict in the far off future…I didn’t think it would ever look like this. So I ask the question am I the person I wanted to become, have I been misled or waylay-ed? Am I the kind of weak person who needs people to tell me how great I am? Or am I the kind of person who is too naive to realize that I’m being preyed upon as a step for someone else to get ahead? Or, just as important, is there any way I do damage to others to inflate my own self image? What is my angle…or do I even have one? Yes, the world in my head can be exhausting…but the dreams I’ve had lately have me understand those nagging questions.

I’ve been naked in my dreams a lot lately. Nothing tawdry, just naked incidental to what ever else I doing in my dreams. Occasionally I will notice and say to myself: “Fuck, I’m naked, I should put some clothes on” (yes I do swear in my dreams…no filters with the unconscious) and that tells me that I don’t need to hide and there is no lingering neurosis that freaks me out when I wake up. So I guess my angle is that I don’t really have one and those that do create some anxiety for me. I found myself really anxious watching the TV show “Smash” the other night because of how many hidden agenda’s and backstabbing there was. I couldn’t handle the ruthless nature of the industry; I find it just too exhausting. Perhaps it means that my optimism is cracking and that I am questioning the universe’s ability to distribute the necessary comeuppance to those fakey fakers of the world. I don’t think knowing that I don’t have an angle helps me navigate the world any better…but at least I know where I stand.

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